Hello Everyone,<P>This is my first time to post on this site, first time anywhere for that matter. I'll try and keep it short and get the part where I need help. Thanks for your patience in advance.<P>My W and I have been married for nearly 16 years and we have three children. I really believe deep down we love each other very much. We both strive to be good Christians but like many so many times fall short.<P>Even though we have had our share of conflict through the years overall I think we would both tell you we have had a great marriage. Thats were the heartache comes in. In 1992 I had an affair with a lady in the office that lasted for about 3 months. My wife became suspicious and approached me on it just as things were starting to go over the top. I was blinded by what was happening and by the the grace of God broke off the other relationship and re-committed myself to my wife and our marriage. If all had only gotten better after that. My wife was very forgiving at least to me and seldom ever brought the matter up. Right or wrong I did what I could to protect her feelings and in many cases did not share just how I felt about the other woman to my wife. In a short period of time, the fog lifted and I felt very blessed to still have my marriage in tact. From that experience I learned just how much I love my wife and can easily committ to be faithful to her the rest of our lives.<P>And this brings me to heartache number 2. I learned in August of last year my wife had been having an affair with a very close friend of mine. The two families had vacationed together and our children still remain very close. We also attend the same church. My wife and his wife were best friends. You can imagine the pain and hurt we have all been through.<P>My wife is a beautiful person both inside and out. Her love for God is very strong, in many instances she has been the spiritual leader in our home. Her affair was something I never imagined she could participate in. Come to think of it, I never thought I could either.<P>I suspected the affair was happening for quite a few months but she always denied it and made me feel quilty when I questioned suspicious things. I thought I was going crazy to be suspicious and each time she would deny everything. The discovery was about 6-8 months into the affair due to a phone call I overhead. I was really shaken as I confronted her with it, she went on to tell me that day that she had fallen out of love with me. She said she had stong fellings for him. She said while there was a deep emotional relationship, there had been only 1 kiss and no sexual contact. I'm not sure what to believe, the withdrawl period was so severe I often think there must have been more happen. She insists there was not, and I have chosen to believe her to keep my sanity.<P>She immediately committed that day to never seeing him again and working on our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I realize all the ways I did not meet my wifes needs over the 16 years even though I thought we had a great marriage. She suggested with attend the his needs her needs workshop and we did. I beleive 100% in the concept although at times it is very hard to practive. We made lots of progressive until I learned 4 months later that she had called him again 3 or 4 times. Once again, when I confronted her she committed to not calling him again. One month later I heard a message on her cell phone where he was calling and leaving an I love you message to her. <P>That was all I could take, I told her that was the last straw, either quite him forever and focus on our marriage or it was over. I hoped and prayed she would do the right thing. Which she did. We both firmly beleive in marraige till death and how important our family is to our children.<P>Obvisiously the trust at this point is close to zero. We also began to meet with a counselor. At times this went well but often moved to slowly.<P>The problems we are fighting through now include total lack of trust on my part towards her. I always thought the fog would lift and she would come back with a very sorrowful spirit and a willingess to meet all my needs as I strove to meet hers. This never really happened as I wanted it to. I have had to draw affection out of her, I have questioned her lack of wanting to regain my trust many times, she does not show admiration to me as often as I would like. Our sexual relationship has been good most of the time, although I wish she could show more passion at times. I know it sounds as though she has lost her love for me. And in many ways I think she has. Although I think it is due to the conflicts, bad arguements, etc. that are keeping her from making progress. <P>It is so difficult to manage my expectations for her. I want her to come back and desire to reassure me, show affection to me, make me know and feel her love, her admiration. This may sound very selfish, but I desire for her to let me know that she realizes how wrong she was about him and about us. That I am the love of her life. That the feelings she had for him were created in a fantasy world. I thought the fog would lift and those would be thoughts would overcome her. While she has felt some of this I am sure, not the level I would have hoped for.<P>To make matters worse, we still continue to see the other person often, school events, church, sports. I don't handle these situations well. I usually say things to her to prompt reassurance from her that I am the love of her life, who she wants to be with. I think he is still after her although maybe sitting back and waiting just a little. He continues just to make himself available. <P>I have expressed to her that I will relocate (currently searching for new job in new city) to get away from the pressure this puts on our relationship. I have a very successful career but am willing to give it up with my current company to get away. She is willing to move as well.<P>I need for her to want to restablish trust. She says she wants me to trust her, but her actions/ words are slow to come in building it. I keep pushing her and this results in arguements. Which then destroys any good feelings she is trying to feel for me.<P>I keep trying to put the words into my wifes mouth that I want her to say to me, when she repeats it, it never seems to give me much satisfaction. I would like for her to share her thoughts without me asking for them.<P>Again, I have my own issues to work through. FYI, the reasons why she fell out of love with me were due to, letting work consume to much of my time, missing kids events sometimes, my sports activities with buddies (2 times per year), not helping enough with kids at night or around the house, making better financial decisions. I make significant income, but overspend also. Financial situation has been source of real frustration in past, although recently it has gotten much better. Never even close to bankruptcy, just poor decisions on what priorities were.<P>Through this ordeal, I have learned just what the impact was to my wife by not meeting her needs. I am fully committed to meeting her needs the rest of our lives. I love her more than you can imagine. The need I am not meeting for her is the need of time and space while she finds herself fully. At times she is mostly there. Other times she seems defeated and depressed. How long does it take to rebuild a marraige, to recapture those deep feelings of love and mutual satisfaction? She is tired of all my verbal therapy to fix things, she wants things to just be normal. I need for her to re-connect before things can be normal.<P>Am I expecting too much? Can someone share some thoughts that I can think about and use to help get us through this? Thanks for your thoughts in advance.<P>