My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters (one I had prior to our marriage and the other delivered right before our marriage)which we both love dearly. A year ago we had some marital problems and instead of him coming to me, he decided to talk to other females and get their opion on our situation. I don't exactly know what was discussed, he says nothing but how to deal with our lack of communication. Any way that is when I began receiving the phone calls and finding phone numbers in his pockets. When I called some of these women, the things that they said did not in any way coincide with what he said. Some of these women had the nerve to give description of the intimate moments that they had with my husband. I begged and pleaded for him to stop the conversations and he said that he would but then the internet communications started and with that came the nights of not coming home. Well after 6 months of that we separated and he went to PA, during that time things were fine while we were apart until I got sick and needed him to come and take care of the children while I was in the hospital. (That in itself was a chore.) Then the violence came and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. So we separated again this time I asked him to try counceling with me, he agreed but insisted that the councelor was bias and didn't want to go anymore. So then we tried the pastor to our church and he didn't like that because he said that she was too spiritual. So then his job ended and he decided to move to GA. He came to me and said that he wanted me and the girls to move with him but if I wanted to stay he would understand. He said that this would give us a chance to start over. I agreed but 2 days before moving we couldn't settle on an apartment and he decided not to come home then the violence arupted and he went to jail. I fractured my foot and was unable to finish loading the household goods. So I called some male friends over (that didn't like him anyway) and they moved the goods for me. Well he got out the next day and offered to help me drive since I had already given up my apartment and signed a lease for an apartment in GA. Since I have been here in GA there have been 13 women and 3 said that they have had intercourse with him either oral or vaginal, he still denies the allegations but I am just tired of the whole ordeal. I tell him that I want out and he either cries or becomes violent. We have separated 2 since we have been here and I thought that things were getting better until I realized that I have never gotten over the first situations. I have a great deal of mistrust and hostility towards him. I very rarely believe anything that he says. I have tried to explain to him that trust is something that is not easily gained once you have lost it. I need some time to gain that trust back and it is hard with him in the home. So he decided to walk out and not say anything to me for 4 days. Then once we did start to communicate it was arguments. We got into it when we were on the highway and his cell phone rang with a woman on the other end. I asked that he pull the car over and let me and the children out. He asked for us to get back in so that he could take us home but I said not until he called her back and he refused so he left us at the gas station. Another incident was at another gas station, we got into an argument about all the new clothes that I bought him being in the trunk of the car. He became angry and decided to drive off with me and our 3 years old daughter in the trunk. In that incident he recieved a reckless endangerment citation and was carried off to jail in front of my daughter for disorderly conduct. I have started to see a councelor to try to figure out what and how to deal with this man because I just don't know anymore. Then the counselor suggested that if he really wants to make things work between the 2 of us that I have to put somethings in his control and sit back and watch and accept what he does with them. So I gave him the counselors number and asked him to call saying only that without counceling I feel that our marriage is a lost cause. He scheduled an appointment and attended, he even scheduled a second appointment but I still have my doubts. I feel as though I should have left the situation alone a long time ago but I wanted it to work not just for me but the children also. But have I hurt them more by involving him in their lives? And am I just fooling myself by hoping for some sign of a change, some sign that says that he does love me and would never do any of the things those women have said? I don't know, but what I do know is that I have alot of resentment towards my husband for even placing me or the children in those situations to even deal with these questions.<P>------------------<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lost_wife (edited April 19, 2001).]

You said that you feel you should have left long ago. <P>Is there benefit for you in the relationship? <P>When we continue to be hurt... we continue to go through shock, pain, anger, etc... and this unrealistic desire to set things right as a way to resolve the hurt we have suffered. That, at least, is my experience in a relationship.<P>In a relationship, trying will not always set things right. When dealing with an abusive individual, we cannot expect that he is going to change. If he did, that would be a factor to consider. However, wishing and hoping that he is going to change is sometimes deceptive bait that keeps us in the trap of an abusive situation. <P>I've been in one myself.<P>I would advise you to be realistic and not wish and hope of how things could be. Take a good square look at how things are.<P>The more clearly you are able to focus on how things really are... which is clouded by hurt constantly hammering you and causing shock and pain reactions... the better choices you will be able to make for you and your children. <P>The people around you who love you see what is happening. You are being hammered. Your perceptions and reactions would be reflexively clouded by the hurt of what you are enduring.<P>Please take some time, and maybe create some space, to step back and regroup inside yourself. Give yourself time to recenter so that you are able to feel, think, and respond with objective reason. At least that is my advice if you would like to consider it.<P>If you are able to remove yourself from the situation and give yourself time,... you may learn that "resentment" (a reaction to being hurt... and not necessarily that you are trying to get back at him... just trying to get back to center with him) is what is pulling you back into the relationship in it's current condition. <P>It is like all of us to have a desire to right wrongs and experience peace, calm, fairness, and equity. Sometimes, it seems to make sense to achieve that outcome by trying harder to make a relationship work.<P>But if you leave the relationship long enough to not be further hurt by it... then the hurt and pain will no longer pull you back in. At that point you will be able to make a more clear evaluation of what is in your best interest.<P>It takes time.<P>(I hope I am not stepping on your toes at all. If any of what I have to say does not apply or work for you <BR>then so be it.)<P>If you are doing your share... you have done your share. <P>If doing your share hasn't resolved his unwillingness to do his share... then doing more will not tip the scales. <P>Our emotions really do cloud our decision making process... and being in an abusive situation means that hurt is being moved through your emotions, your thoughts, and your decision making processes.<P>I encourage you to really focus on healing and recovering from the hurt of the situation. That means not being in the situation if he is not going to stop behaving in harmful manners.<P>Once you are not being impacted, effected, and moved by the harm he is inflicting... when you have had time to recover from the shock waves of abuse... then look again... weigh your options... draw some lines... make some plans... and decide what is in both your best interests.<P>If he cannot make up his mind not to hurt you... then you must make up your mind not to let him.<P>Blessings and peace,<P>Laura<BR> <P><BR>

[QUOTE] "Then the violence came and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I agreed but 2 days before moving we couldn't settle on an apartment and he decided not to come home then the violence arupted and he went to jail. I fractured my foot and was unable to finish loading the household goods. I am just tired of the whole ordeal." <P> "I tell him that I want out and he either cries or becomes violent. We got into it when we were on the highway and his cell phone rang with a woman on the other end. I asked that he pull the car over and let me and the children out. He asked for us to get back in so that he could take us home but I said not until he called her back and he refused so he left us at the gas station." <P> "Another incident was at another gas station, we got into an argument about all the new clothes that I bought him being in the trunk of the car. He became angry and decided to drive off with me and our 3 years old daughter in the trunk. In that incident he recieved a reckless endangerment citation and was carried off to jail in front of my daughter for disorderly conduct. figure out what and how to deal with this man because I just don't know anymore." <P>Lost_Wife,<BR>You and your children are in danger. This man may one day kill either you or your children. You are being abused and the abuse needs to stop. You cannot stop it. He has to do it. You cannot allow him to be around you or the kids at all until he receives some emotional help. I know this sounds harsh and hard line, but it is the truth. The safety of your children and yourself are the most important issues right now, NOT your marriage.<P> "Then the counselor suggested that if he really wants to make things work between the 2 of us that I have to put somethings in his control and sit back and watch and accept what he does with them."<BR> <BR>He has enough control...he is using your love for him and love for your dream of a family to keep you hanging on. If he wants to go to counselling great, but not at the expense of you/the kids being around as a punching bag when things get tough. <P> "I feel as though I should have left the situation alone a long time ago but I wanted it to work not just for me but the children also. But have I hurt them more by involving him in their lives? "<P>Yes, they are learning that violence is a way to handle life. They are learning it's ok. Would you like your daughter to grow up and marry a man like your husband?<P> "And am I just fooling myself by hoping for some sign of a change."<P>No, you love him, and you want a family. But do you want this type of family or a safe, loving and nutruring environment?<BR>Please, remove yourself and your kids from this before it's too late. I would suggest that you call the local Women's shelter for an escape plan. Do not tell him what you are planning to do. After you are safe you can let him know that you do love him, but will not place yourself or the kids in anymore dangerous situations. Reconciliation is only possible after he completes counselling and anger management.<P>I'm sorry to be so strict. I have seen the loss of too many abused women who tried to hang on because "he's trying". Do not return until he's healed.<BR>Prayers for you,<BR>Twyla<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Twyla (edited April 20, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by laura_lee:<BR><B>You said that you feel you should have left long ago. <P>Is there benefit for you in the relationship? <P>When we continue to be hurt... we continue to go through shock, pain, anger, etc... and this unrealistic desire to set things right as a way to resolve the hurt we have suffered. That, at least, is my experience in a relationship.<P>In a relationship, trying will not always set things right. When dealing with an abusive individual, we cannot expect that he is going to change. If he did, that would be a factor to consider. However, wishing and hoping that he is going to change is sometimes deceptive bait that keeps us in the trap of an abusive situation. <P>I've been in one myself.<P>I would advise you to be realistic and not wish and hope of how things could be. Take a good square look at how things are.<P>The more clearly you are able to focus on how things really are... which is clouded by hurt constantly hammering you and causing shock and pain reactions... the better choices you will be able to make for you and your children. <P>The people around you who love you see what is happening. You are being hammered. Your perceptions and reactions would be reflexively clouded by the hurt of what you are enduring.<P>Please take some time, and maybe create some space, to step back and regroup inside yourself. Give yourself time to recenter so that you are able to feel, think, and respond with objective reason. At least that is my advice if you would like to consider it.<P>If you are able to remove yourself from the situation and give yourself time,... you may learn that "resentment" (a reaction to being hurt... and not necessarily that you are trying to get back at him... just trying to get back to center with him) is what is pulling you back into the relationship in it's current condition. <P>It is like all of us to have a desire to right wrongs and experience peace, calm, fairness, and equity. Sometimes, it seems to make sense to achieve that outcome by trying harder to make a relationship work.<P>But if you leave the relationship long enough to not be further hurt by it... then the hurt and pain will no longer pull you back in. At that point you will be able to make a more clear evaluation of what is in your best interest.<P>It takes time.<P>(I hope I am not stepping on your toes at all. If any of what I have to say does not apply or work for you <BR>then so be it.)<P>If you are doing your share... you have done your share. <P>If doing your share hasn't resolved his unwillingness to do his share... then doing more will not tip the scales. <P>Our emotions really do cloud our decision making process... and being in an abusive situation means that hurt is being moved through your emotions, your thoughts, and your decision making processes.<P>I encourage you to really focus on healing and recovering from the hurt of the situation. That means not being in the situation if he is not going to stop behaving in harmful manners.<P>Once you are not being impacted, effected, and moved by the harm he is inflicting... when you have had time to recover from the shock waves of abuse... then look again... weigh your options... draw some lines... make some plans... and decide what is in both your best interests.<P>If he cannot make up his mind not to hurt you... then you must make up your mind not to let him.<P>Blessings and peace,<P>Laura<BR> <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I want to say thank you. So much has happened since I wrote this message. I just spent 45 days in jail because he would rather see me in jail than with another man. So now I have moved to NC to get away from him. My children are in FL and we are ok. <BR><P>------------------<BR>

I just wanted to say thank you. So much has happened since I wrote the message before. I just spent 45 days in jail because he says that he would rather see me in jail than with another man. So now I live in NC and my children are in FL but we are all safe.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Twyla:<BR><B> [QUOTE] "Then the violence came and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I agreed but 2 days before moving we couldn't settle on an apartment and he decided not to come home then the violence arupted and he went to jail. I fractured my foot and was unable to finish loading the household goods. I am just tired of the whole ordeal." <P> "I tell him that I want out and he either cries or becomes violent. We got into it when we were on the highway and his cell phone rang with a woman on the other end. I asked that he pull the car over and let me and the children out. He asked for us to get back in so that he could take us home but I said not until he called her back and he refused so he left us at the gas station." <P> "Another incident was at another gas station, we got into an argument about all the new clothes that I bought him being in the trunk of the car. He became angry and decided to drive off with me and our 3 years old daughter in the trunk. In that incident he recieved a reckless endangerment citation and was carried off to jail in front of my daughter for disorderly conduct. figure out what and how to deal with this man because I just don't know anymore." <P>Lost_Wife,<BR>You and your children are in danger. This man may one day kill either you or your children. You are being abused and the abuse needs to stop. You cannot stop it. He has to do it. You cannot allow him to be around you or the kids at all until he receives some emotional help. I know this sounds harsh and hard line, but it is the truth. The safety of your children and yourself are the most important issues right now, NOT your marriage.<P> "Then the counselor suggested that if he really wants to make things work between the 2 of us that I have to put somethings in his control and sit back and watch and accept what he does with them."<BR> <BR>He has enough control...he is using your love for him and love for your dream of a family to keep you hanging on. If he wants to go to counselling great, but not at the expense of you/the kids being around as a punching bag when things get tough. <P> "I feel as though I should have left the situation alone a long time ago but I wanted it to work not just for me but the children also. But have I hurt them more by involving him in their lives? "<P>Yes, they are learning that violence is a way to handle life. They are learning it's ok. Would you like your daughter to grow up and marry a man like your husband?<P> "And am I just fooling myself by hoping for some sign of a change."<P>No, you love him, and you want a family. But do you want this type of family or a safe, loving and nutruring environment?<BR>Please, remove yourself and your kids from this before it's too late. I would suggest that you call the local Women's shelter for an escape plan. Do not tell him what you are planning to do. After you are safe you can let him know that you do love him, but will not place yourself or the kids in anymore dangerous situations. Reconciliation is only possible after he completes counselling and anger management.<P>I'm sorry to be so strict. I have seen the loss of too many abused women who tried to hang on because "he's trying". Do not return until he's healed.<BR>Prayers for you,<BR>Twyla<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Twyla (edited April 20, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>