My boyfriend and I agree that we are perfect for eachother and love each other very much. However, he has decided to end our relationship because he cannot get over the fact that I "disrespected" myself enough in a previous relationship (2 years before I met current bf) by experimenting sexually by having a threesome with my ex and another male and another time with another female, one time each. He feels as though it is an infidelity against him and although I tell him I would never do that again and that I didn't enjoy the times it happened, he wants to just walk away. He feels that I allowed myself to be disrespected by my ex in that way and therefore I am now regarded as a sexual object to him and not "special". I don't know what to say or do. Any ideas?

My suggestion is to end the relationship. Your boyfriend's attitude is clearly destructive. You did not know him back then. People experiment all the time when they are growing up. I believe that you judge a person by their current actions and not their past. He is being honest that he is unable to get over this. Do not let his problem become your problem because he will eventually destroy your self esteem.<BR>I think that you need to find someone different. His attitue is very immature since all this happened in the past before you even knew him.

whtevrhpns,<P>I can identify somewhat with your delima. When I met my W, she had a 4 yr old. Obviously she had prior relations. She also told me of two other sexual relationships where she lived with the individual for a period of time. One before her first marriage and the other afterwards with her son.<P>I really had to do some soul searching because it did bother me. Why, I can't really say. I knew it had nothing to do with me or our current relationship, but it still bothered me.<P>She was my first and I hadn't had any prior relationships other than dating and heavy petting, etc. (No intercourse) <P>So, I guess my point is that I think your BF is lucky that you have been upfront and honest with him. It's now up to him to decide if he can handle it within the bounds of marriage.<P>These are exactly the issues couples have to decide on prior to marriage. I agree with Bryanp that you should dissolve the relationship if he decides he can't handle your history. (I'm sure he has one also, doesn't mention that though does he?)<P>Don't be ashamed for your past. Learn from it and make your future what you want it to be. It sounds to me like he's missing out.<P>Take care and good luck!<P>P.S. I'm dying to know how what you thought of your threesome experiences. That's always been one of my fantasies. My W knows this and we both agree that it wouldn't be good for the marriage so it will just have to stay a fantasy. (As some should)<P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B

Brent and Bryanp, thank you so much for your input. Since last night, I am starting to agree that I have to just let go. He has absolutely nothing holding him back when we are together, but the minute he has some time to think or has time to discuss my situation/past with his friends then all of a sudden he has an issue. His friends "claim" that they'd love to go out with someone who has done what I've done but "would NEVER date someone like that" because I would now be put into a "sleazy" category instead of "special". I say that his friends can imagine what they would do all they want but it is a different story once strong feelings are involved. So....my theory is that he is just "talking" himself out of dating me and forcing himself to push aside his strong feelings. <P>He does have a history. He is just upset that he never went so far as to do what I did.<P>As far as the threesomes.....of course it was exciting but I would never do it again. I enjoyed the fantasy 100% more than the experiences. A fantasy can last forever but following through put an end to it and I can no longer even think about the fantasy because the actual situation pops into my head. <P>[This message has been edited by whtevrhpns (edited April 26, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by whtevrhpns (edited April 26, 2001).]

<p>[This message has been edited by whtevrhpns (edited April 26, 2001).]

Hi,<P>Well if the boyfriend's holier than thou attitute weren't enough to end the relationship, his gossiping to his friends and solicting opinions to expound to you certainly would be. If you stay with him you will hear about this all the rest of your days.<P>Take care

Girl, If your man is that insecure in himself about your past, then he needs to be gone. I am newly married and my wife has more experience than I...but even with my problems, I ahve not let that bother me.<P>You did nothing wrong other than experiment in your younger days.<P>Look back on your experience as a bridge crossed not as an anchor that will pull you down.

My wife told me about a night she had sex with a married guy then, while feeling guilty about it, had sex with another guy just a few hours later . We shared everything about our pasts no secrets, but it takes 2 emotionally stable individuals for that to work. I was never judgemental & she wasn't either, because it was in the past, the past make us what we are today and I love her for what she is. That experience molded her into the person she is today, and I'm OK with that. So help your BF to see the positive & grow or face the reality that he may not be in the same place as you are. <P>PS. Some guys are hypocrites when it comes to sexual experimentation, your BF friends sound like that type.<P>good luck

whtevrhpns,,,,<BR> I would have to agree with everyone here. It sounds like your bf is jealous of your past experiences, and at the same time he still hangs on to the idea that a man is judged by how many times he "scores" but a woman is a slut if she even thinks about it. It amazes me how some men want a lady in the kitchen and a wh**e in the bedroom, yet the two can never mix. Immature.<P> Sweetie, if he can't get over it, he'll make sure you don't either. It sounds like he isn't very exceptable of you, maybe in other ways, too? Possibly controlling in subtle ways? If that is true, I would have to agree that this is not the man for you. Let him take his judgments and hit the door. No one needs or wants anyone to treat them with a 'better than you' attitude.<P>Hope I have been of some help.<BR>Good luck!<P>Wolf<BR><P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Well ya have to say one thing about your BF. If he in fact is feeling this strong about it then so be it. From what you say it almost sounds like an act. Since he has shared it with others. If he is truly convicted about being with you because of your past sins then that is for him to decide. However, if he thinks with counseling he can get past it great. He, I am sure, is not so blameless in his past. In fact God views all sins in the same light, all are equal to condemnation. I think I would say to him.."Look this is my past. It had nothing to do with you. It is between me and God and God forgave me. If you can not then move along."<BR>I can promise you unless you get counseling he will haunt you with it for here until the grave.

I totally agree with Brent. You BF has to deal with it by trying to get over it or you have to end the relationship, other wise he will continue on and on about this, and sooner or later it's going to grow on you, and you are going to start to hate him. Before I met my wife, i'm not exactly sure when... but before her and I met, my wife had a threesome with two guys. I really hate the fact that she did... but what can I really do about it? nothing, so i'm trying everday my best to deal with it and not think about it. Ask him if he dislikes or hates the fact that you had the threesome or that you were with other people, but this you will get a better understanding of his anger. Other wise tell him to just chill out.

Here's a simple or complex problem that I need advice on. One night during the time that my wife and I were dating(boyfriend + girlfriend), we were just laying down relaxing and talking, and she had asked me what I thought about having a threesome. I asked her what she meant by that, and she told me that she was asking me how I would feel about her and I having a threesome with another guy, and I asked her how(you can do it several ways). She told me that she wanted me to watch another guy f**&k her, that, that would be sorta a turn on for her. I told her no, that I was against that, I was an open-minded person but that I was against that because I loved her, and that it would not be respectful towards her or me. Anyways time went and this last summer her and I work talking, and we kinda started talking about each other's pasts and was telling me what the coldness was like for her of her past guys using her and her using them for sex, and when she would also say of her sleeping with these guys, I would get angry inside. Anyhow, she had also told me about her having a threesome with two guys sometime before her and I met. Well I just want to say that knowing all this just gets me really mad. I know her past is her past of before we came together, but knowing that she had sex with other guys before me, bothers me really bad. I also wish now that she was my first. Anyways, please tell me what any of you see wrong here and how I can really go about dealing with this. We have been married for a year and 2 months.

Ok, now call me crazy or whatever but, sometimes I wonder how it would be if my wife and I had a threesome. I mean no disrespect towards me or her, I just wonder what to do about this little desire. Please help.

I let myself get drug through the mud for six months because I wasn't a virgin... it sucks... and set up a <B>really bad</B> cycle of my assuming responsibility for everything wrong in our relationship, and her largely supporting it.<P>Your past is your past, it's part of who you are... don't let anybody take that away from you.