How do you let go? Here's my problem. My husband is in the military. He was drinking alot and wasn't there for me emotionally for about 2 years. He also put in for a transfer without my full approval which upset me. So there was a lot of resentment for quite a while. He left for the new assignement and the kids and I stayed behind to finish the school year and get our house rented out. This lasted about 8 months with 2 visits from husband. I really needed a break from him and was almost happy for him to go. While he is living alone, he said he was drinking more and more and realized what he was doing was wrong. He missed us, his family, very much but didn't think I was there for him anymore. I must admit I wasn't at the time. Anyway, he found solace in writing anyone and everyone crying on their shoulder. This one girl, a step-cousin whom we have knows since she was a little girl but is now 30, started writing back. I guess they became very close online. Of course, I didn't know about this. When my kids and I finally moved to be with my husband, he seemed like a changed man. He was so attentive, wasn't drinking, and life seemed good. THEN, this step-cousin moved to the area after just getting divorsed from her husband. Since she was a step-cousin and her mother and I were close friends I really helped her a lot with childcare while she looked for a job...letting her eat dinners with us, spend the night, etc. One day, I got a call from a male stating my husband was talking to a girl almost everyday while I was gone. This mystery person has remained a mystery to me. But almost immediately I recieved email of correspondence from this OW and my husband. She stated she missed him, missed his daily calls, and couldn't wait to "see him, hear him, touch him...". She also put her phone number in the email which I recognized as this step-cousin, now known as OW! The email address was from sexfantasy@..... and also stated plans of wanting to get together alone. Right away, I went off the handle and called her up letting her know I saw the emails. Then I called my husband at his work. When he got home he of course said it wasn't what it looked like and he had a lot of explaining to do. He told me how lonely he was and how they emailed each other. He didn't know why she moved out here and couldn't speak for her. He did admit she helped him through a rough time when he thought he had lost his family and at the time he thought she was his only friend. He straightened up one night when he realized what he was doing. He said he hit rock bottom that night and realized either he had to quit drinking and work on getting his family back or he wouldn't be around much longer. Okay...... I emailed the OW several times who said she was helping him through a rough time as he was drinking. When I asked about the email addy and why all the secrecy she stated it was my husband's idea because he didn't think it was a good idea to be emailing and calling her. He told me that was the first time he had gotten email from her at that addy and didn't know anything about it. I realize I wasn't there for my husband but ever since I had moved back we had been getting along so very well. I think when she moved here she was expecting more from him maybe and tried to start things up. It has created a problem with our family as it is hard for me to even see her at family gatherings. She insists she did nothing wrong by emailing him these things. I just can't believe she would ask favors of me and act like my friend while persuing my husband behind my back. As far as my husband, he has never said anything bad about the OW and I guess this hurts. I told her I expected him to drop all ties with her and I know there will be times at family gatherings when she and her little boy will be present but I don't even want him to smile at her. He can be cordial but nothing beyond that. I feel like a jealous insecure wife. I wonder if he is still corresponding with her. He never checks his email at home anymore..only at work. I just wish I could get over this....I don't talk about it with him anymore but it is still eating at me and it has been about 4 1/2 months. I really, really get depressed. He agreed to therapy but I don't know how to go about finding a therapist and there is the fear of telling my problems to someone I don't even know face to face. <BR>Any suggestions from anyone out there? THANKS.

liljane,<BR>You sound justified in your concerns. However, I think you should give your H a chance. Take him up on his offer to attend counseling. He made some big mistakes, basically in not trusting you. (But at the time, you weren't meeting his ENs)<P>Through a counselor you can get all the details on the table and move past all this. It sounds like your H is receptive. If the Step cousin or whatever she is continues to persue your H then you will have to take further action, but with your H's help, she will go away and leave you alone.<P>Concentrate on your relationship with H. Try to meet all his ENs. Make sure he doesn't have any reason to persue the OW. If you're new here, then read up on this website. Print out the questionnaires and start a dialog with H. Take your marriage back!<P>Good luck and keep posting. Others much more wise than me will chime in and hopefully, you'll get a good handle on how to proceed.<P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B

Just a question, if your H is in the military, do you have a mental health clinic on post? Mine is in the Army and we use the post clinic. It is free, and convenient. Also, if you have Tri-Care, there are no longer co-pays off post for mental health. Give it a shot. Sounds like you both could use some goog guidance right about now.<P>good luck!<BR>Wolf<BR> <P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by liljane:<BR><B>How do you let go? Here's my problem. My husband is in the military. He was drinking alot and wasn't there for me emotionally for about 2 years. He also put in for a transfer without my full approval which upset me. So there was a lot of resentment for quite a while. He left for the new assignement and the kids and I stayed behind to finish the school year and get our house rented out. This lasted about 8 months with 2 visits from husband. I really needed a break from him and was almost happy for him to go. While he is living alone, he said he was drinking more and more and realized what he was doing was wrong. He missed us, his family, very much but didn't think I was there for him anymore. I must admit I wasn't at the time. Anyway, he found solace in writing anyone and everyone crying on their shoulder. This one girl, a step-cousin whom we have knows since she was a little girl but is now 30, started writing back. I guess they became very close online. Of course, I didn't know about this. When my kids and I finally moved to be with my husband, he seemed like a changed man. He was so attentive, wasn't drinking, and life seemed good. THEN, this step-cousin moved to the area after just getting divorsed from her husband. Since she was a step-cousin and her mother and I were close friends I really helped her a lot with childcare while she looked for a job...letting her eat dinners with us, spend the night, etc. One day, I got a call from a male stating my husband was talking to a girl almost everyday while I was gone. This mystery person has remained a mystery to me. But almost immediately I recieved email of correspondence from this OW and my husband. She stated she missed him, missed his daily calls, and couldn't wait to "see him, hear him, touch him...". She also put her phone number in the email which I recognized as this step-cousin, now known as OW! The email address was from sexfantasy@..... and also stated plans of wanting to get together alone. Right away, I went off the handle and called her up letting her know I saw the emails. Then I called my husband at his work. When he got home he of course said it wasn't what it looked like and he had a lot of explaining to do. He told me how lonely he was and how they emailed each other. He didn't know why she moved out here and couldn't speak for her. He did admit she helped him through a rough time when he thought he had lost his family and at the time he thought she was his only friend. He straightened up one night when he realized what he was doing. He said he hit rock bottom that night and realized either he had to quit drinking and work on getting his family back or he wouldn't be around much longer. Okay...... I emailed the OW several times who said she was helping him through a rough time as he was drinking. When I asked about the email addy and why all the secrecy she stated it was my husband's idea because he didn't think it was a good idea to be emailing and calling her. He told me that was the first time he had gotten email from her at that addy and didn't know anything about it. I realize I wasn't there for my husband but ever since I had moved back we had been getting along so very well. I think when she moved here she was expecting more from him maybe and tried to start things up. It has created a problem with our family as it is hard for me to even see her at family gatherings. She insists she did nothing wrong by emailing him these things. I just can't believe she would ask favors of me and act like my friend while persuing my husband behind my back. As far as my husband, he has never said anything bad about the OW and I guess this hurts. I told her I expected him to drop all ties with her and I know there will be times at family gatherings when she and her little boy will be present but I don't even want him to smile at her. He can be cordial but nothing beyond that. I feel like a jealous insecure wife. I wonder if he is still corresponding with her. He never checks his email at home anymore..only at work. I just wish I could get over this....I don't talk about it with him anymore but it is still eating at me and it has been about 4 1/2 months. I really, really get depressed. He agreed to therapy but I don't know how to go about finding a therapist and there is the fear of telling my problems to someone I don't even know face to face. <BR>Any suggestions from anyone out there? THANKS.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>hi....<BR>ready your letter made me feel like we are leading double lives...<P>I too am having trouble getting over a betrayel....my husband became a police officer and I was pregnent with a 6month at home...<P>I had left my job to stay at home with the children and my husband started becoming withdrawn and verbally abusive.<P>I asked him several times to get help over a period of 6 months and was considering leaving him...even though I was going to have a baby 8 months pregnent. I then found a letter from "a friend" at that point I confronted my husband and he brooke down and cried. they crying continued for 2 weeks. I had found phone bills which had her work, cell, and pager on it...they spoke daily and even more than once.<P>Then a night of drinking he said he kissed her.<P>I confronted the women...and asked how she could do this ....she was a mother of two herself.<P>I was going to separate from my husband ...that week...he begged me to try and work it out...<P>He today is a great father, and does not drink...almost 3 years later...however, I still get depressed ...worry about what he is doing at work...and don't trust him...<P>He lied and I will never be able to get passed that I feel..<BR>we know have a 3rd child and on the surface things appear fine. However, I feel like I am never going to get over this betrayel of trust...<P>The OW husband never found out...I know his name and have the obsession of calling him...<P>