What do I do now?<P>Married 25 years and he has left. No explanation other than he had an affair 2.5 years ago for three months and is experiencing guilt bigger than he can handle while at home - doesn't know why he had the affair, can't explain why he feels nothing for me any longer, can't pinpoint when he began feeling this way, can't explain the events that provoked this feeling within him.<P>I encouraged him to receive individual counselling since Nov. 2000 which has now ended. During this time he left home three months ago. He has told me of the affair.<P>I too received individual counselling, which was trying to help me accept his decision to make the steps he has made thus far.<P>My problem stems from him still not being able to decide what he wants to do. He hasn't told his parents or extended family. I understand him not wanting to do this quickly, but they will be so hurt to find out from some other source instead of him. His sisters know and they would appreciate him addressing the issue. I on the other hand feel that the longer he doesn't tell them that there could be a sliver of hope for us.<P>After discovering MB, I wrote him a letter indicating that I was willing to forgive his indiscretion and to work towards a better marriage than we had before. To date, he has not responded, nor did he bother to address the letter with his counsellor.<P>I didn't ask for a response, but it sure would give me some glimmer of hope for our future.<P>I realize I can't work towards my goal of a fulfilling marriage while the door is locked, but I ask for suggestions on how to perceive my reality. Is he really going with a mid-life crisis and totally unable to address issues like our marriage with any valour?<P>How do I assess his situation without being confrontational. I feel his counsellor missed the possibility of him being depressed. I want to remain hopeful without becoming stuck in denial.<P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

Tryingto,<P>I think you need to post in the General Questions section. You will receive more responses there. If you haven't read the material here, although it does sound like you have read some, then go to the "Just Found Out" section and read NSR's General greeting, or go to Onegoing's post on the same topic. Within there you will find many, useful posts. Particularly, look up Plan A. Perhaps you can read His Needs Her Needs a book by Harley, but for sure look up the articles on needs.<P>I would suggest that you talk with your H. It would seem that he is very depressed. It is possible that guilt has something to do with this as more than a few people here have pointed out. Finally, he may think that you could never forgive him for what he has done.<P>If you think you can or have already, then it would help him, I would think.<P>Sorry, I cannot be of more help. I do hope you find what you need here.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

Thank you Just Learning:<P>You're right, he is feeling guilty, very guilty about the affair, I wrote him a letter and sincerely explained to him that I was very willing to forgive and to work on our marriage. I too think he doesn't think it possible for me to be able to do something, he himself cannot.<P>I have tried to get him to realize that he is experiencing guilt. I have spoken with the family doctor. But he has been able to hide his true side from the family doctor as well as his therapist (who the family doctor was hoping would trigger something in him- but it didn't happen).<P>He is having a terrible time, I know but who believes me -- I'm just the grieving widow with no sense of pulling myself together and telling him to hit the road. Why can no one see the trouble I see, I'm I way out in left field?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>Tryingto,<P>I think you need to post in the General Questions section. You will receive more responses there. If you haven't read the material here, although it does sound like you have read some, then go to the "Just Found Out" section and read NSR's General greeting, or go to Onegoing's post on the same topic. Within there you will find many, useful posts. Particularly, look up Plan A. Perhaps you can read His Needs Her Needs a book by Harley, but for sure look up the articles on needs.<P>I would suggest that you talk with your H. It would seem that he is very depressed. It is possible that guilt has something to do with this as more than a few people here have pointed out. Finally, he may think that you could never forgive him for what he has done.<P>If you think you can or have already, then it would help him, I would think.<P>Sorry, I cannot be of more help. I do hope you find what you need here.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Tryingto,<P>You see it because you know your H. Some see it hear because quite frankly if you read this site for long you will gain a tremendous insight to this whole situation.<P>I have a question for you. Is it possible to go see your H? He hasn't responded to your letter, but I am not surprised at that. I suspect that perhaps he has lost his way, but he can be guided back.<P>I do hope you do some reading here. Read the book Surviving an Affair, by Harley. If you do you will see what he is going through. There is so much to say, but I know that love can be rebuilt. I suspect that he feels nothing for you for several reasons: <P>1. Depression<P>2. The OW is still in his mind, and he had to shut down his feelings for you in order to handle the guilt.<P>The trick here is not to try to rekindle the love. What you need to do is become his friend again. It will be hard because you will probably have to listen to him say things about OW that you don't want to hear. But if you can become the person he talks with, walks with, then I think two things can happen, actually more than two. <P>One, you will learn to like your H again and the forgiveness will become stronger. He will learn to trust you again (odd the cheating person always seems to lose trust ). He will start to heal.<P>I would strongly recommend that you go read SKM's post on her 1st of recovery from her affair. It is titled something "chronicles" I believe you can search for that word and get her post. It will give you a time scale for recovery by the betrayer.<P>My advice, read, learn, and try to be his friend. Go see him, take him to dinner, and talk about anything but the relationship. Show him that you talking to him doesn't have to be painful, share everyday things, articles in the paper, argue about politics . Do you see what I mean?<P>Meanwhile, hang in there, this can be done.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I have been unsuccessful in locating the posting of SKM's 1st recovery. I used the search of * chronicles - nothing turned up. Could you e-mail to me the page you feel I will benefit from reading.<P>Today was a good day. For the first time my H and I attended our son's provincial tournament games for the whole day. He was pleasant to be around. Our daughter returned from university today as well and I invited him to come by the house to see her, he did but I had no contact. I was in the basement in my office doing paperwork and didn't even realize he was upstairs until my son came down and told he was leaving.<P>I was nice, friendly, applied no pressure whatsoever. He was indifferent - carried own with doing his own thing, but at times I think he forgot he was alone and spoke to me like he used to. I sensed a 'baby step' in my direction - but I'm not putting up hopes just yet.<P>I have read Plan A - I was unknowingly doing that already since last October - no luck. He felt he needed to leave because the tension - no explosions though - was causing each of us to loose a lot of weight and definitely making it extremely difficult to enjoy life at the simpliest of times.<P>So I have been forced into Plan B - some of the time, and exercising Plan A when appropriate.<P>But how do I help him see, gently I might add, that he should seek additional services of the medical profession to assist him through this 'right of passage' they call male menopause?