I am in desperate need of advice form those of you that have been here. I have destroyed every relationship that I have ever been in. I have this tendancy to immerse myself in the other person, think only of them and neglect myself tot he point that when I do want something, I try to get it in an entirely inappropriate manner. This could be starting an argument after she has said that she is not in the mood for making love tonite and we had an incredible sessioin only two nites before. It could be that I feel afraid to voice my opinion even after she has said thousands of times, "you do not have to be afriad, be yourself." How do you go back to being yourself. I want to be the man that she married. I am so sick and tired of being this (In her words) a person that "whines and complains about everything." I want to be my own man.<BR>Any suggestions? Thanks<P>------------------<BR>FreddyB

freddy,,,<BR> I have been there. I am still learning how to "find" myself again. I used to engulf my H because of my insecurities. It scared me to death that I wanted him so bad. It makes you vulnerable. You have to decide that you can face your fears and conmfort yourself. It is ok for her to not want to talk right now. And it is ok for you to respect the fact that she doesn't.<P>Myself, I decided that I was no longer willing to feel pathetically grateful just because my h decided to talk to me. I say what I feel, and that is that. If he decides to talk to me, great! It means that he is comfortable talking to me. If not, I don't need him to validate what I'm saying. I know it is valid, regardless of how he feels about it. I know that may sound cold towards your W, but think, how cold have you been to YOU? Is it cold to just accept how your W feels? Accept how you feel just the same.<P>Start drawing boundaries. Don't do anything that will compromise your beliefs, your comfort, your standards for yourself, etc. Realize that it is ok to say no. Stand up for your self-respect. <P>Giving to your W is ok, when it doesn't compromise who you are or how you feel toward your W. Just like it is nice when your W gives to you freely, you should be able to do that, too. Freely means giving without hurting yourself in the process. It also means giving without worrying about rejection. If she doesn't agree with you, so? We don't have to agree with each other on everything. I'm sure you don't agree with everything she does. It's all a part of being an individual. We don't NEED someone to agree with us to still feel and believe the way we do.<P>The bottom line is to be yourself. And let your W be herself. That is all you should expect. It's all you really want isn't it? the rest will follow.<P>I use to not be able to tell my H no, for anything. And I lost all my self-respect. I barely have any back, but it is getting there. And it took me saying that, while me H's needs are important, I have to give to myself first. I had to stop neglecting myself and expecting my H to make me feel better. That is my responsibility to make sure I am happy. I took that responsibility back from him. He is still scared because I "changed the rules" on him. But he does have more repect for me and what I need. All it took was for ME to have some respect for it, too.<P>I suggest you get the book, "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. It is an amazing book that teaches you how to love others by accepting yourself. It also teaches you how to draw boundaries. It has helped me to begin putting my life back together on my own. I am learning how to depend on myself for things.<P>I hope that I have helped you in some small way.<BR>Good luck!<P>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

To Nakona;<P>Thanks for the advice. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I had pretty much come to the same conclusion as what you say....it is the DOING part that is the hardest I guess.<P>How do you deal with your H when you want something, say intimacy, or going for a walk or maybe to dinner and he doesn't. For me it is like rejection. Is this where the part of boundaries and knowing how you feel in yourself come into play?<P>Our biggest headaches right now are sex and disciplining her step daughter. What is normal for married couples to be intimate? I feel so totally left out at times. It feels like she does not think I know what I am talking about.<P>Anyway, I am rambling. Thanks again for your reply.<BR><P>------------------<BR>FreddyB

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by freddyb:<BR>[B]How do you deal with your H when you want something, say intimacy, or going for a walk or maybe to dinner and he doesn't. For me it is like rejection. Is this where the part of boundaries and knowing how you feel in yourself come into play?<P>YEP! This is a big area where your feelings of yourself come into play. It does feel like rejection, probably always will. The difference is in how much you ALLOW it to affect you. You can choose to be severely hurt and rejected, or you can say, "ok, maybe next time." Or how about asking her if she would like to do something if she doesn't want to do the same thing? Boundaries come into play in some of the darnedest places. Not only the boundaries for those that surround you, but for yourself, too. Don't hurt yourself to appease anyone else.<P>Our biggest headaches right now are sex and disciplining her step daughter. What is normal for married couples to be intimate? I feel so totally left out at times. It feels like she does not think I know what I am talking about.[B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> Who says that there IS a normal intimacy level for couples with children? Seriously, it is different for every single couple. That level is something you have to hash out together. It will be whatever you BOTH find comfortable. I guess it really depends on how you define intimacy. Let me know your definition.<P>I do have a couple questions for you. What makes you feel like she thinks you don't know what you are talking about?<P>What problems are you having with your step-daughter? Not trying to be personal (like this board isn't!) but what problem areas are you having with your sex life together? <P>I'm glad that I was able to elp with my previous post. you are most definately not alone in this. There are many more who have been where you are. Keep your chin up, it will get better.<P>Wolf<BR><P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Nakona;<P>Let us tackle the step daughter first;<P>She is an Attention Deficit/Hyper Disorder child who is gifted to the point of almost being a genius. Now I have heard that these children are also sometimes incredibly obnoxious....which she is. She back talks, says no, is addicted to her video game. Will not do what is asked, will not answer when spoken too and though she is 11, she acts 4 or 5 by the way she talks...<P>Her mother tells me that I have to learn to ignore her. Now, I have 4 children of my own...they live with their mom...that is a WHOLE 'nother story...anyhoo, my kids don't do this.<P>We have been seeing a counselor and my W is working on her discipline techniques....She is getting some better at her consistancy. I guess the biggest thing with me is that we disagree on discipline and I feel that she does not respect my opinion. This is where the part of she does not think I know what I am talking about comes from. I have gotten so mad at this child that I have attacked her. I spent a week in a mental hospital over that. Do I just learn to ignore rude behavior. To me that is just setting this child up for failure as an adult....<P>Now on to the other thing...intimacy and sex.<P>My W is older than me by a few years. I will be 40 next year and she is past there. As a matter of fact she is, I guess post-menopausal. Her desire for sex is greatest when what is left of her hormone cycle is at its peak....then we have wonderful times because she starts them, is willing to try new things. However, if I ask...that is a different story. I define intimacy as hugging, kissing, cuddling (Not only in bed but on a couch or in a park) and that kind of thing. She tells me that she is not always in the mood for a long drawn out session of love making and that if I want a 'quickie' that is fine. I suppose that since we are both professional people and we are both tired at the end of the day, I need to be more understanding...but I did not think that once every other week or so was going to be the norm. I hate 'taking care of it myself' if you know what I mean. Also, she says she is not that much of a touchy feely person and I like that close physical contact. She also says that I want it every day. That is not true. What I want though is a kind of rythmn where both of our needs can be fulfilled. Yeah, making love every day would be nice...for a week or two, but not for ever. I would be happy with maybe a couple of times a week....I dunno.<P>Thoughts on this. Am I wrong to want to be able to start something with her on my own once in a while?<P>Thanks<BR>F

Freddy,,,,<BR>I will try to keep it as short and simple as I can, but it will be a long reply.<P>Let's take one thing at a time. First your step-daughter.<P>"Her mother tells me that I have to learn to ignore her." Ummm,,,,no. I disagree srongly with that. What does that teach her? That disrespect is ok. It doesn't prepare her for the real world.<BR> I suggest that you do a few things:<BR>(1)stay in counseling, it takes a lot of strength to raise a child of ANY caliber<P>(2)control your anger. If you think you are going to lose it, WALK AWAY! Go calm down, then reapproach the situation.<P>(3)set rules for your step-daughter. For example, if she ignores you in leau of the video game, ground her from it for a week. You and your wife should sit down and decide together what the rules and discipline will be. <P>(4)Keep giving your opinion. It feels good to be accepted, but if your opinion isn't, it is ok to disagree. Your wife is hearing you,,,don't withdrawl because she isn't reacting the way you want her to. That isn't fair to anyone involved.<P>Let's look at your wife's sexual desire. <P>"Her desire for sex is greatest when what is left of her hormone cycle is at its peak....then we have wonderful times because she starts them, is willing to try new things. However, if I ask...that is a different story."<BR>Let's look at her sexual desire for what it is, her desire for you. Could it be that she is more willing when she is comfortable with who she is? I really believe that it doesn't have much to do with a hormone cycle. Her horniness does, yes. But do you want her to only have sex when she is horny? I want my husband to have sex with me more because he has a desire to be close to me. Horniness is ok sometimes, but even half the time.<BR>Sweetie, don't ask. Seduce her. She may not want to the first time, but that is no reason to not try again in a different way. Don't make the mistake I did and just tell her that you want her,,show her too. That is where your intimacy comes into play. Seduce her with kindness, giving little things that you don't normally give. It doesn't matter that she doesn't return it immediately. If you keep giving, eventually she will feel 'safe' enough to give back. And you will appreciate it all the more for waiting for it.<P>I will stop for now. I look forward to hearing from you real soon.<P>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Nakona;<P>Thanks for the different take on this....as for the step daughter....I will continue to give my opinion and as a matter of fact she IS currently supposed to be grounded until the weekend...I hope my W is strong enough to see it through.<P>As for thought two....intimacy....I had not thought of things in quite the terms you have put them in. It is some food for thought and I need to give it a try.<P>I really appreciate the chance to talk to someone.<P>Freddy

I'm glad that another point of view helps. Just remember that sometimes it just takes you stepping back and looking at the BIG picture to see things the way they are.<P>Keep your chin up, it will get better. <P>If your wife can't hold it long enough to make sure your step-daughter stays grounded for her week, remind her that she won't respect someone who doesn't stand by what they say. It isn't easy somtimes to punish, but it is worth it for the child. Try to support her on her problem with discipline, sometimes all it may take is some reassurance that she is doing the right thing.<P>Good luck! I'm so glad I could help.<P>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Nakona;<P>I need to ask you a question....My W is not feeling well lately, back pain, really tired etc... How do you deal with that when you have been really understanding but you still have your desires and feelings?<P>Freddy

Well, I guess it really depends on what you mean. I have endometriosis. It is a very painful disease. Most months I am doped up on demoral for at least 2 out of 4 weeks. I have to go for surgery next week for it. But anyway, my hubby and my best friend both know that I'm not worth spit when I am hurting, so they take care of everything. My best friend takes care of the kids while my H is at work and he picks them up on his way home. Then he comes home, tells me hi and sees if there is anything I want before he goes to cook supper. Then he cooks, and cleans up the mess, plus any chores that I can't do like laundry or tidying up the living room. I'm not sure why he does all that for me except that he loves me so much. This has been going on for quite a while. At first he was pretty overwhelmed by it all, but now he does a great job!<P>I hate to say it, but I need more info. What desires and needs do you mean? How long has she been sick? I know that my situation may not be any where near your's, but I hope that it helps you somehow.<P>Let me know your answers. I will be on here until Wednesday night, I have to go in for my surgery on Thursday. yay. scarey.<P>Hope to talk to you soon,<BR>Wolf<P><P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Nakona;<P>I was referring to those good ol 'human desires' kind of thing. I guess I can continue to be understanding.<P>As for your situation. I will put you on my prayer list.<BR>Thanks soo much.<BR>Freddy

Freddy,,,, <P>Thank you so much for your prayers. I really appreciate your concern. Hopefully, it will be over soon!! I seem to be getting nervous the closer the date gets, Imagine that!!!<P>As for your humanly desires, yes be understanding. You know or not you are being taken advantage of. Have you sat her down and told her how you feel in a kind, respectful way? Let her know that you completely understand her situation, you just want her to understand your's, too. <P>Sometimes when you are taking care of someone for a while, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by it all. If that is the case, let her know. It will pass. It will pass faster if she understands that, even though she is sick, she let's you know that she appreciates the things you do to help her. I know that probably isn't what you want at the moment, but it will help to smooth it over AND help you to be patient.<P>I am so glad I have been able to help. I wish you so much luck!! I would be willing to bet that you and your W will pull through this and be stronger and happier than ever. It is hard, but sometimes it takes just one to change everything. You are strong enough to do that. Have you read the articles on this site? Maybe if you print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire, it might help you and your W to understand each other a little more. Keep reading and keep your spirits up.<P>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Thanks;<BR>Good luck and don't be nervous. Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Don't let the nay sayers get you down.<BR>Freddyb

Thanks Freddy <P>How ya doing today? Any progress?<P>Wolf

We had a pretty good weekend. Saturday was a really interesting day...I got into a fight with my W youngest son...that is another story. He has a REALLY BAD ATTITUDE, but we worked through it together and were in perfect agreement.<P>Yesterday was nice. We vegged until noon, we had a little intimate moment....although her idea of romance is to ask...'Is there anything you want?' If I say yes, then she just throws the covers back and pulls her jammies up and basically says go for it. No play, no kissing (She says it doesn't do anything for her)...kind of takes the romance out of it. Sometimes she will help me get in the mood...but we don't have a lot of foreplay...<P>I do have to say though that we worked outside planting a garden, took a walk and just had a nice day in general, especially in light of saturday....<P>At least we are talking things through. I am trying to not prolong everything. If I ask a question and she answers it I am trying not to analyze it into the ground. I am also trying not to ask 'did I do something wrong? is it my fault? what did I do?..' Those kind of things.<P>Well, have to go and get back to work...<BR>Thanks for checking in.<BR>Freddy

To Nakona;<P>Just wanted to check in and see how the hospital thing went?<P>

I have a similar situation, freddy. My boyfriend has a 17 yr. old daughter who has committed almost every crime short of murder and yet I'm supposed to be understanding and supportive. She has no remorse nor conscience about the hell she's put the family through and is only cooperating now and applying for a boot camp because she's on the brink of going to jail. Her dad announced to her a couple of nights ago that he was proud of her for applying and wouldn't press charges against her for stealing and forging checks for almost 1,000.00 I was livid. I know for a fact that the only reason she filled out the application was to keep from going to jail because earlier she had stated there was NO WAY she was going to any camp. She has already started finding reasons why this camp might not be any good. That's the game......get dad to take the heat off , then back out on promises. I've expressed my displeasure and dislike for this child and now my boyfriend is angry and cold. I'm on the verge of moving back to GA and saying "to heck with it". I love him and it's unfortunate. Maybe YOU could give ME some advice. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by freddyb:<BR><B>Nakona;<P>Let us tackle the step daughter first;<P>She is an Attention Deficit/Hyper Disorder child who is gifted to the point of almost being a genius. Now I have heard that these children are also sometimes incredibly obnoxious....which she is. She back talks, says no, is addicted to her video game. Will not do what is asked, will not answer when spoken too and though she is 11, she acts 4 or 5 by the way she talks...<P>Her mother tells me that I have to learn to ignore her. Now, I have 4 children of my own...they live with their mom...that is a WHOLE 'nother story...anyhoo, my kids don't do this.<P>We have been seeing a counselor and my W is working on her discipline techniques....She is getting some better at her consistancy. I guess the biggest thing with me is that we disagree on discipline and I feel that she does not respect my opinion. This is where the part of she does not think I know what I am talking about comes from. I have gotten so mad at this child that I have attacked her. I spent a week in a mental hospital over that. Do I just learn to ignore rude behavior. To me that is just setting this child up for failure as an adult....<P>Now on to the other thing...intimacy and sex.<P>My W is older than me by a few years. I will be 40 next year and she is past there. As a matter of fact she is, I guess post-menopausal. Her desire for sex is greatest when what is left of her hormone cycle is at its peak....then we have wonderful times because she starts them, is willing to try new things. However, if I ask...that is a different story. I define intimacy as hugging, kissing, cuddling (Not only in bed but on a couch or in a park) and that kind of thing. She tells me that she is not always in the mood for a long drawn out session of love making and that if I want a 'quickie' that is fine. I suppose that since we are both professional people and we are both tired at the end of the day, I need to be more understanding...but I did not think that once every other week or so was going to be the norm. I hate 'taking care of it myself' if you know what I mean. Also, she says she is not that much of a touchy feely person and I like that close physical contact. She also says that I want it every day. That is not true. What I want though is a kind of rythmn where both of our needs can be fulfilled. Yeah, making love every day would be nice...for a week or two, but not for ever. I would be happy with maybe a couple of times a week....I dunno.<P>Thoughts on this. Am I wrong to want to be able to start something with her on my own once in a while?<P>Thanks<BR>F</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi there sleepless;<P>I don't know if I can really give you any hope or not...My W and I were just in a counseling session this very afternoon where the number one topic of conversation was the step daughter from hell.<P>Basically what it boils down to is this;<P>You, like me, have an entirely different expectation of the child than you BF does. You are one that draws the line in the sand and by golly if they cross over it, there is all hell to pay. He on the other hand is the one who has been with him pretty much all his life, allowed her to run wild in the first place and is so rooted in that routine that he is not going to change. Plus, he probably has that soft heart and 'doesn't want to drive her away.' <P>What we were told today was that we need to sit down and have a face to face with each other and see if we can meet in the middle regarding this discipline thing.<P>I happen to be with you, the only thing that is going to break up this, the best relationship in my life, is how I interact with this child.<P>I am working on trying to ignore the most troubling behavior...and yes it is very hard.<P>Now, as to the money....do you have a joint account? If so, you might want to look at putting your money in your own secure place and when the BF asks why, be blunt and say I don't want her to forge off of my money.<P>Let's look at it another way, you can relate it to Corinthians...No I am not particularly religious and am not trying to preach...just offer some words of encouragement.<P>There is a passage that relates to people who marry that are from different backgrounds and religions. Paul in his letter basically tells these people to be happy with each other, accept themselves the way they are and to move on with life. Your BF has allowed this to happen, you have not. His D will be the one thrown in jail, you won't. He will have to live with that. You just need to be there to support him, not rub his nose in it.<P>I don't know if this helps or not....I still get so frustrated I have just started to leave the room or the house when something is going on. That way, I physically remove myself from the situation.<P>Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing, maybe we can do this together...<P>Blessings to you.<P>