I have been asking myself this for years. My husband is now a recovering alcoholic, but for the past 8 years, he has been an active heavy drinker. But he didn't drink heavily until the day we got married! He even passed out on our honeymoon night. We checked into the hotel suite & 10 minutes later, he was out cold. I spent our entire night crying and confused Then, 2 weeks after our wedding, he was arrested in the grocery store for stealing cigarettes (when he had more than enough money to buy them) he just thought he could get away with it. I had to call our new next door neighbors (who were a doctor couple & coming over for dinner at our house that night) to pick me up at the grocery store because I couldn't drive my husband's stick shift. They ended up having to bail him out of jail. I was totally humiliated. I remember sitting on my couch alone, looking at our shimmering Christmas tree, and thinking..It's not supposed to be like this. I just got married 2 weeks ago. Everything is supposed to be happy and normal. I think my attraction for him starting dying right then and there. But consciously, I did not realize that.<BR>Years went on & he never seemed to be able to pay for our bills or our rent. My parents always ended up paying our way for things. I held jobs once in a while but nothing steady. I was pretty depressed but nothing that showed from the outside. I think this stopped me from function and obtain a good job that would pay the bills. Also, it is VERY important to add that months prior to meeting my husband, I had ended a 5 year long relationship with a man that was a closet drug addict. he was in law school and a college graduate but I didn't know he was unfaithful and an addict until the last few years of our relationship. This relationship scarred me intensely.<P>Back to my marriage: As the years went by I came to realize I couldn't count on my husband for a lot if things. He never could maintain our house or bills. We had creditors calling every day. he was constantly falling asleep n the couch instead of coming to bed. And if I did wake him up, he was extremely cruel and belligerent. During the day when he wasn't drinking, we were fine. despite all of this, we were very close friends and enjoyed a tremendous amount of common interests. <BR>4 years into our marriage he had managed to open our own profitable company. We were hugely successful and attempted to start a family. After surgery to conceive, we were blessed with a baby girl. Unfortunately, during this time, my husband's drinking took a turn for the worse. he was never there at the end o my pregnancy he wrecked his car 4 times in a month & managed to drive into our garage door one night. He always came home so drunk that he couldn't stand up. I had to have my parents stay with me on the weekends to help with my premature baby. My husband was always asleep, or calling me a bad mother because I had post partem depression. He lost our business and we had to sell our new home.<P>After we moved to another state and tried to open a company there. It failed miserably. During this time, I began drinking more wine at night to cope with the pain of being emotionally alone and financially broke. I never drank to the point of not being able to care for my child or being coherent, but still, it was more than a normal person would drink. During this time, my husband and I began talking of an open marriage. You see, for the past few years, I had became very unattracted to him, so he had gone without any psychical intimacy. I tried and tried to overcome that & felt extremely bad over it. The subject sounded attractive to him because he missed having sex. I did too! But I wasn't about to have sex with him because it disgusted me. I had lost all attraction towards him. Yet, in the back of my mind, I thought he would grow up & become the man I thought I had married..so this *seemed* like a good temporary solution. I KNOW..STUPID! But I was so beaten down by years of disappointment and distrust that I was seeking an outlet. Yet at the same time, I wanted to keep my marriage. We chose two people that we both trusted and knew wouldn't try to break up our marriage.,..His ex Brother In Law by marriage and my best friend. I know..horrible! WHAT were we thinking? That's just it..we weren't thinking normally. It turns out that he never acted upon our agreement because my best friend lived 400 miles away & backed out, but I acted upon it. But he did talk to her on the phone and I know they talked about sex when they did talk. He wrote her via email a few times as well. From there, with me, it got out of hand. I went over board. It was so liberating that I let it get out of control. It was DEFINITELY not the answer to my problems. My husband was hurt badly by this; even though he agreed to it AND got mad when I wanted to back before it started. I ended it but not until a year and a half later. I realized it was wrong and that God wouldn't want that. But my thinking was so clouded by years and years of emotional abuse from addiction by not just my husband, but my former boyfriend. here I was 32 years old and I had never known what a normal, loving, secure relationship was. My husband now acts as though he is holier-than-thou because he didn't physically act on anything. Even though he would have in heart beat & he DID talk sexually over the phone with my friend. And I caught him secretly talking with her recently.<P>It was confusing because despite all of this craziness, my husband and I were truly connected as best friends. We were raised with strong moral values (this is why the open marriage thing was so insane for us to even considered). We both came from homes that were Christian and not affected by divorce. Both of us came from wealthy families and we were close to our family. Although my husband's father was an alcoholic (but he was 6 years recovered at the time of his death)<P>8 year later, here we are..My husband is sober for 3 months now & attending AA. He now has a wonderful job with excellent benefits. But he cannot get over this situation happening with us. I need to add that I caught him talking with my so called nest friend behind my back. I ended my friendship with her. This was AFTER the fact of us trying to put our marriage back together and trying to get over the Open marriage thing. So it is not like he has been a saint.<P>We are now separated due to him finding out about an incident with me and his brother in law meeting at a time he didn't know about) This was 2 years ago when this happened. I have since been faithful and leafing my life with God. I have asked forgiveness and am a Christian. Everything I do is positive and loving & respectful of others. I do not drink and neither does my husband. <P>Still..I don't know what to do..Should we divorce or is it worth counseling over? And even if we heal, will I ever be attracted to him again. Because right now when he touches me, it's like my brother touching me. It makes me want to peel off my skin. I do not find him sexually attractive in the least. And to be honest, I'm usually attracted to a different body type and height than him. I know that sounds shallow, but it is important. However my sister made a good point. She said it wouldn't matter if he were 4 3',, that if he had been respectful of me, treated me well & was a good man I could count on all these years, that I would be attracted to him. That attraction comes from more than height body type. I know this is true, but still I second guess myself. is this al from the addictions I have lived with? That is why I am wondering if it is salvageable at all. We both ADORE our daughter who is now 3. And my husband is the BEST father to her in this world. he would do anything for her and is 100% hands on father. I cant imagine her living without us both is the same house, but we both deserve peace and happiness. My husband and I are both willing to go to counseling and realize we need it whether we break up or stay together. We think of each other in everything we do during the day...I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go to counseling and put a Band-Aid over this if I cant get the attraction back he deserves a sex life in a relationship as I do. I desperately am ready to feel and live again & I know he is. he is sober and getting his act together and he deserves a good life as I do. No matter what, we want counseling to understand what we have been through and done to each other & to raise our daughter with love and strength in her knowing that her mother and father love her and each other..whether apart or together.<P>Please..no scathing remarks or insults. Until yo have walked in my shoes, please don't judge. I know it is easy to do, but please don't. Thank you.<P>

April,,,,<BR> You are definately in a pickle! I will try to answer your question. First I would like say congradulations to your H for becoming sober!!! Do you realize how close you came to being in his shoes?<BR> Also, you mentioned a close correlation between your H and exBF. It looks to me like you have to stop choosing men who are "addicts". You can't change them, can't even help them. They have to do it themselves.<BR> That being said, I will try to answer your question.<P>"Should we divorce or is it worth counseling over?"<P> Only you can answer that. Counseling is definately worth it,,,,if you want your marriage. It will take all the patience and understanding and courage you have. And from what I have read, you have A LOT!<P>"And even if we heal, will I ever be attracted to him again."<P> That is all part of the healing. It could be that you aren't attracted to the alcoholic, or the disrespectful man you were with for so long. BUT, once you heal together, you will respect him again. And he will respect you again. Your sister is right, physical attraction is more than being attracted to a person's outward appearance. It's a state of mind that involves not only your feelings toward them, but also how you percieve them.<P> I would suggest that, even if you don't go to counseling with your H, go alone. You have been through some hard times, too. A little guidance wouldn't hurt.<BR> Also, do you go to the AA meetings with your H? If not, try going to another chapter of AA that he doesn't attend. Or go to the meetings that are for the family of the alcoholic. It helps sometimes just knowing that you are not alone. You can draw an immense amount of strength by just knowing that. Those people have gone through the same things you have, they CAN help you understand where your H is right now with his alcoholism. And that is important if you want to fix your relationship with him.<P><BR>I hope I have been able to help you in some small way.<P>I look forward to hearing from you.<BR>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.