A difficult story to tell and believe me I could ramble on for hours about the intricacies of the relationship between my wife and I.<BR> <BR>To summarize as much as possible, we have been married for around 13 years, together for 16 years. We have 3 children 11,12 & 14. <BR> <BR>My wife now 35 endured a difficult childhood in which she suffered violence, sexual abuse and constant critism from a stepfather between the ages of 9 and 15. Her mother managed to ignore this for most of the time. Once the family had finally left this monster she went through sheltered accomodation where her mother turned to drink and men. My wife at 16/17 then went through a series of short term relationships with men until at 19/20 she met me. I guess I was all the things that she had not had before. Non violent, caring considerate and tolerant. She has never recieved councelling for or talked much about the abuse she suffered and on reflection this has shown in her time with me in terms of her low self confidence, fragile ego and great dislike of criticism or fault. As our relationship progressed she helped her self confidence problem by buying an image (clothes, car hairstyle etc) that made her feel better. During the early periods of these separations she has exhibited similar behaviour on each occasion. Withdrawn, denial of reality, an aggresive single minded attitude towards separation (nothing will distract her) supposed confusion, defensive and unrelenting. <BR> <BR>Mr X is probably all those things that her stepfather was, a history of violence, short temper and wild. My wife knew him from her younger days and has described situations when she was with him that lead to her seeing this side of his nature. He has been in and out of relationships for most of his life. <BR> <BR>We are now at our third separation.<BR> <BR> <BR>The first was some 7 years ago initiated by some accusations directed at me about extra marital affairs. These were unfounded but the initial nail in the coffin of the marriage in that my wife sought comfort and attention from another man who I guess should be called Mr X. I commited completely to councelling but alas my wife found the digging into her past uncomfortable and managed only 4 sessions. The situation of a sort of stand off remained where I believe she was stuck in the abilty to decide between myself & Mr X. Ultimately after 6 months I gave up & began to see someone else. The short term miracle cure to my marriage I guess due to jealousy because my wife suddenly wanted back in. <BR> <BR>Alas, after this came a period of reconcilliation which suffered from a good deal of blame from each side and lasting less than a year before My wife announced again that she no longer wanted to be in the marriage, leading to separation number 2.<BR> <BR>This managed to be a more complete separation in that she purchased a separate house and seemed to be absolutely resolute that this was the final time we could do this. Along came the same Mr X with whom she apparantly had gained some considerable feeling for. He was obviously a considerable factor in her decision to separate.Several months passed in which her initial anger and aggression towards me faded. Contact between us continued due to the children and there always remained a feeling in my mind that she was not comfortable with the decision. Sure enough after I dissapeared on holiday for two weeks upon my return she had changed her mind again and indicated that she was going to work to make it right between us again. 7 months passed with us having a relationship while still living apart ultimately leading to her selling her house and moving back in with me. A slower reconcilliation with lots of questions as to both our wishes being contantly raised. Unknown to me at that time, Mr X was still around and 'active' during the 7 months of reconcilliation.<BR> <BR>That was three and a half years ago. If asked how our marriage was since the reconcilliation I would have said good. Few arguments, positive growth of the household, well behaved balanced children, reasonable sex life etc....Until just after christmas, a mixture of moving to a bigger house, the cost of christmas etc. we were a bit short of money, I was under more pressure at work, the children were growing up and enjoying learning how to argue with mum & dad and generally we hit a bit of a low which would through money coming in and a few changes at work have naturally resolved themselves. I hasten to add this was not a situation of arguments and bitterness, just a difficult time that marriages go through. I still felt the marriage was strong.<BR> <BR>After two weeks of her being a bit withdrawn I asked my wife what was up. She explained that she did not love me anymore and wished to separate again (bombshell). This was supported by the fact that her sister had obtained the telephone number of Mr X and my wife had made a call to him although she assured me that she did not wish to persue a relationship with him.<BR>That was 9 weeks ago. <BR>In the space of 6 weeks, she had managed to sort out a rented flat for her and the children and move out. Alas here we are again where I have the feeling that she is now unsure as to the decision she made.<BR>She has admitted further calls to Mr X but assured me there has be no meeting. An assurance that I do not feel entirely confident with as circumstances have arisen that lead me to believe otherwise although none of these conclusive. <BR>I feel that with the shortness of money and my work pressures she was not able to satisfy her self condence boost requirements and due to bad timing of the phone number arriving we are now at this point again.<BR> <BR>The difficulty for me is that she seems unable or unwilling to really talk about why she felt that separation was the only answer. She has justified all the usual problems associated with separation such as effect on the children, financial implications Etc without apparent care or concern. It seems that she is stuck in between Mr X and I but unable to contemplate or consider what to do next. If she goes either way, then she will burn bridges that cannot be repaired.<BR> <BR>As for me........ Stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I feel that she will go full circle again and at some point want me back. If so however I guess that I have to consider as to the liklihood of it happening all over again. Maybe I could only do this if she would consider councelling but that seems not a very possible option at the moment. The other option is to let go and seek a new life in the future but somehow I feel that will lead to strong efforts from my wife to start again, something that I would find hard to refuse.<BR> <BR>I have reached the point of complete frustration, sadness and despair. If she would admit to seeing MrX then I would find it easier to let go until then however its seems I have to sit and suffer the eternal wait until either some event triggers her to action or she can be prepared to make her mind up.<BR> <BR>What can I do? <BR>

Stillhoping - you have my sympathy and prayers. I'm assuming you're familiar w the MB principles. It seems to me plan A is most appropriate at the moment. I would stongly suggest a session w Steve Harley. He is very good.

You are going to stay on the merry-go-run until she sees that you are serious about moving on without her which means filing for divorce. It is obvious from your posts that she has some serious psychological issues that needs to be addressed by a therapist. As long you take her back without insisting that as a precondition she must go for therapy she will continue this cycle. If this Mr.X has a history of violence you should try to obtain custody of the children. Your children should not have to see inappropriate behaviour by their mother.<p>[This message has been edited by max (edited May 06, 2001).]

Stillhoping,,,<P>I would agree with Max. You have to draw some boundaries here. It seems that she is uncomfortable with stability. For example, when things are going good, she's out the door. Until you decide to go on without her. She is insecure, and has no self esteem, that much is pretty obvious. There is nothing wrong with you saying that the only way you will consider a reconciliation is if she goes to counseling. Stay apart until you are comfortable with the risk of her bolting at the first sign of comfort. Tell her what this does to you. All of it. Be kind, respectful and understanding. But be firm.<P>If she says no, she has made an educated choice. She would know EXACTLY what the repurcusions are. Then stand by your decision. You have given her control of your relationship. Take some of that control back. You control whether or not you get back with her. If you are scared because of what she has done in the past, tell her. Tell her that you can't do it anymore and that you are considering filing for divorce(if that is what you plan to do). <P>Stand your ground, make your own decisions. Don't let someone else make them for you. Be true to yourself. It doesn't sound like you have done that in a while.<P>If this other guy is what she chooses,,,,,and he is abusive, think of the kids.<P>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

hey thanks <BR>I guess the hardest part is taking control myself. I have always tried my hardest for her and the children, yes I have my faults havn't we all? but it seems how ever much of a good guy I have been she can almost overnight flick a switch and become emotionally detached insistant on the end of the relationship.That is the bitterest pill to swallow. Maybe if I was hard & cold I could walk away easier - I suppose I like to think I will be treated with the same level of respect as I would give her. Waking up to the fact that she seems incapable of this is also difficult.<BR>Ultimatums for councelling could only be done when/if she gets to the point of wanting the marriage back.<BR>whats next I dont know - maybe if someone else came along for me then I would look at my marriage in a different light? keep up the help it is supereb

I just wanted to add that you sound a lot like me a month ago. I found this amazing book, it is in my signature. I used to voluntarily bend over backwards for my H. It got to a point that I had nothing left for myself. I realized that I had to draw the line somewhere. Giving like I was hurt me too much to keep going. I sacrificed my self-respect, my dignity, my dreams,,,all I had left was a tiny glimmer of hope. <P>Then,,,,I realized that I was hurting myself for nothing. No one will appreciate that. No one respects someone that has no self-respect. I told my H that I was no longer willing to do the things that were harmful to me. Believe me when I say we still have some serious fights over this. My standing up for myself has really put a fire under him. It scares him more than he'll ever admit, because I took away his security blanket,,my will to do everything but wipe his derriere for him! He needed to be needed, and I needed too much. When he got what he wanted, he realized that it wasn't like he thought it would be, so he withdrew. Until a month ago, I did everything. He gave me control of everything and made me responsible for everything. I just dumped some of it back in his lap. It has helped, no matter how cold it sounds.<P>Being cold isn't the answer. Keep being kind, and understanding, and patient. Just quit leaving yourself out of that equation.<P>Hope I have helped.<BR>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.