I've never done this before so I'm not so sure where to start. Basically, I'm 37 yo and live w/my BF of almost 3 years. I am extremely insecure about a woman who works with us. Although she lives in another state, there is phone communications and they have traveled together a few times for busiess. She's much younger, flirtatious with my bf and most men. BF has stated in past that someone told him she might be interested in him.<P>I met her last night at a company function. To look at her, I shouldn't have felt threatened. Was pleasant, made nice. But by the end of the evening I was convinced she had hots for my BF and she was crying when she left. He said maybe it was because he was mean to her by not spending any time talking to her. Said he was very uncomfortable because of how I felt about her and he couldn't be himself. Said I ruined his night! Excuse ME!!! Why would somene who is "just a friend" cry? He swears nothing has ever happened and never would happen. Says he has no interest in her. We got into a HUGE fight. He is so mad,he won't talk to me. Said he's sick of my insecurity. Angry that I don't trust him. (He's never given me reason not to). Says he's done with me. I am so upset!<P>Typically I don't let other woman get to me, but for some reason this one does. Do you believe in a "gut" feeling that something isn't right? Am I overreacting? How do I get over this problem of insecurity? I truly love him and I know he loves me too, but doesn't want to deal with my low self-esteem.<P>Help!!!<BR>

Kicker,,,<P> I do think you have to deal with your insecurity. That's not something that anyone can give you. You have to find security within yourself. Insecurity can not only hurt you, it can hurt those you care about, too, as you've experienced.<P> That said, I have to tell you that most friends don't leave crying because someone doesn't talk to them. If she is just a friend to him, the same may not be true from her point of view. She obviously cares more than that. I understand that your BF hasn't given you reason to distrust him. He stayed with you at the function? Didn't disappear with this other gal? If that is true, then I would say that there is a good chance that he isn't monkeying around with her. However, he needs to see that this other gal wants more than just friendship! If he isn't interested in that, then HE needs to tell HER to back off.<P> It is his responsibility. He may not see that she is interested in him. But there are ways for you to show him. Just be kind, respectful and gentle with your conversation about it. You don't want him to think you are questioning HIM, you want him to know that you BELIEVE him, and believe IN HIM. Let him know that she is a threat and you can see what she is trying to do.<P>I hoped that this helps. Let me know how it goes.<P>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Thank you Wolf for your input. Unfortunately he will not even discuss this with me. He is insistent that he is leaving me over this. You said that I should tell him it is her I am worried about and I have tried to do this. His argument is that if I don't trust her, I don't trust him. Does that make any sense to you? I don't even know her. I've talked to a couple girlfriends about this and they seem to totally understand where I am coming from. I sensed something and I believe I saw her reactions to him. How can I not feel threatened by this?<P>I spoke to a male friend of ours who insists that my BF is completely faithful to me. Even if he had the opportunity he wouldn't take it. He told me to just get this out of my mind and give it a few days to cool down.<P>I took my BF aside and told him I trusted him and I would never say anything more about it. He just yelled at me to forget it! It's over! We are done and he's sick of this and he's finding somewhere else to live. <P>He is leaving on a business trip today (no, she's not involved) and I went over to give him a quick peck good-bye on the cheek and he turned away from me.<P>I feel so numb inside. I would do anything to make this right, but he says he wants no part of it. I understand you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, but HELP!!! I am desperate. I love this man. What next???<BR>

It sounds to me that he is feeling guilty about something, maybe desire for his friend, to react so badly to the situation as you have described it. For him to throw away a relationship over this is crazy, unless there are other problems or something else is going on, sounds fishy. BTW she was the one upset, not you, what did you do to RUIN his evening? Simply making her feel uncomfortable by attending with you BF? Good Luck, he isn't being honest IMHO.

You know, Bandito. I thought the same thing...about his reaction being caused by guilt. I do know that he was married for 13 years to a wife who rarely wanted sex and he never cheated on her. Having known him for 4 years before we started dating, I believe that to be true. However, she once asked him if he had feelings for someone else that he couldn't do anything about. He said no, but ultimately he told me that he had in fact been having feelings for someone and that someone was me. Apparently he had feelings for me for years, but I never knew. He never let on in any way. I would like to bring this up to him, but I haven't spoken to him since yesterday morning when he was totally not responsive and I don't plan on calling while he's traveling.<P>Regarding other issues...Yes! We have other issues. We each have two kids that we have brought into this relationship and each set has been raised very differently. We both have issues with each other's kids and have actually started counseling to deal with this, and other miscellaneous issues. (we've only gone twice). Also, he can be very controlling - has a hard time seeing things another way once his mind is made up. He becomes withdrawn when he's mad and won't talk for days. Things are very black and white...he has a hard time seeing the gray.<P>Now me on the other hand, am Perfect!! HAHAHA Really, I do have a tendency to be insecure and can be demanding, however, I think that's because I really do believe I give a lot in the way of love and I'm always busy, busy, busy. <P>Well, again, the guilt thing has really gotten to me. I have asked him in the past...why, if it bothers me, must you have a friendship with this person. He just gets mad and says there is nothing going on, it's a friendship, that's it. They really have limited contact, that I know of.<P>We have a counseling appt. next Monday, but at this point I don't think he'll be going. I will though. My mind is in a tizz. Sometimes I'm mad, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I just want to SCREAM! You can't get any answers when they won't talk.<P>Anyone else have an opinion? Any and all are welcome!!!<P>Thanks!!!!