My husband and I have been having marriage problems after 23 years. <BR>Last Wed. after we had an argument, I went into our bedroom and there was a cable sex show on. I got mad and blew up. He said he didn't even know it was on because he feel asleep while watching another show earlier. So, he got even more mad at me for "accusing" him of something he didn't do. <BR>But, when I left the room, he did leave the show on, because he "was mad". <BR>We continued to argue and he took his wedding ring off, put it on my dresser and said he wanted out. <BR>That following Friday evening, he got our special truck out of the garage to take to a cruise in (informal car show). He did this on Saturday too at a different one. This is a new thing for us as we just bought the vehicle awhile back. <BR>On Sunday, he said he wanted to get along. We were able to talk some and I told him that, to me, when he went out places without his ring on purpose, he's telling me he doesn't care about me at all and is giving other women the opportunity to come up to him, thinking he might not be married. (I realize that some women would go to even a married man but I was talking about some of my single friends who care if a man is married or not). <BR>He told me that he has no intentions or thoughts of trying to meet other women and a ring doesn't mean anything. But he also said that he saw on a tv show that a woman said she wore her wedding ring, even though not married anymore, to keep guys from hitting on her....<BR>But, here it is, Monday and he still has it off, on purpose and going about his day. <BR>Oh, this past week, he did admit that he hasn't been "proud" of me in a couple years. <BR>What do you think about wedding rings? What do single people think about them when looking for others? <BR>Am I over reacting?<BR>BTW, we have been sleeping in separate rooms since I saw the movie on the tv. He said he doesn't care.<BR>Any and ALL advice would be appreciated as my heart is broken. <BR>His thing is to "defend" his actions by pointing out things I did wrong, even if the things I did were YEARS old. I feel he's acting like a teenager anymore. <BR>PS I really don't at all nag him! Even when things are broken, I don't mention it much. I just want "security" and it appears that the more I tell him this, the more he pulls away! <BR>We had a great marriage until after he had back surgery and then, it was like someone else came out of the recovery room! His moods changed that much! Even our children remark about how they can't get along with him anymore and how moody he is but he won't listen to any of us. <BR>Thank you for your advice!<BR>Ana

Ana, you have the same thoughts I do on a wedding ring. It's more than a piece of jewelry that says I'm taken to other people. It's the love and commitment it shows to the spouse.<BR> <BR>Was your husband scared of dying in the surgery? Reason I ask is because my mom had 3 major ones in 18 mos and she is a changed person. She is very depressed and hard to get along with. I hate to say this but could it be a "mid-life crisis"? Do you think he would cheat? Or is he looking for attention to make himself feel attractive and vibrant? <BR>Maybe he is feeling old and wants to regain his youth? Is he putting blame on you because as he looks at you he sees himself?<BR>Take care.<BR>

Ana,,,<P> I have to ask you why you got mad because you thought your H was watching porn? Why are you sleeping in another room?<P>I am asking these questions because I don't feel I could give you a totally honest answer without all the facts. <P>If you blew up at him, then I can understand why he got upset. Taking off his ring and saying that he is done is something different. His "back & forth" needs to be addressed. Have you sat down with him and honestly asked him what he wants right now from your marriage? He is obviously withdrawn to a point, there has to be a reason. I would suggest that you ask him what is wrong. If he brings up past discretions on your part, take the responsibility for them, apologize and keep going. He doesn't feel that those issues are settled or he wouldn't keep bringing them up. Give him the opportunity to settle those with you.<P>Personally, my H and I haven't worn our wedding rings in about 2 years. Mine is too small and his had to be cut off when he jammed his finger. I will say that if he isn't interested in meeting women, he won't meet any. I doubt many will even come on to him. It's all about body language. My H and I have no problem not wearing our rings, but we have different reasons than you do. We both know that, wedding ring or not, we are not going to find anyone else, because we aren't looking.<P>As for your security, you must find that within yourself. It is nice for our feelings, ideas and opinions to be validated by someone else, but it isn't neccessary. Find your self-confidence and security within yourself,,,,it is there. You'll be happier and so will your H. Security is something that you can only get from within. No matter how much your H does to "give" you security, you won't feel it until it is in your heart.<P>I hope that I have helped you in some way.<P>Wolf<P>------------------<BR>"You can't think your way into a new way of living. <BR>You have to live your way into a new way of thinking."<BR>Passionate Marriage<BR>David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Yes, you're right about how I feel about the ring. I feel that by taking it off, it not only dishonors me, but our vow to God and all the marriage represents. <BR>I have felt that he is going through a depression, yes and a midlife type crisis. Especially since he talks about his looks, his lack of strength and other things about aging and the aftereffects of his injury and surgery. <BR>I know he seems to go out of his way to be an "authority" on things anymore. It's not fun to talk to him because he doesn't give and take in a conversation, he "lectures" but it must make him feel important. He talks about himself ALOT!<BR>He insists he loves me, he says his favorite thing in the world is holding me at night while we sleep and he only wants peace and harmony. <BR>However, he procrastinates on his responsibilities, getting mad and tense when it catches up with him and he can sit for HOURS watching car shows on tv when he has nothing to do. <BR>I don't think he wants to cheat but of course, like us all, would love attention and admiration. I try to do this and be his "cheerleader" but anymore, it's very difficult. <BR>Our doctor did recommend that he get an "evalutaion" because he not only believes that my h is depressed but might have another problem (He mentioned bi polar but didn't want to "go there" since he's not a Psychiatrist) My husband won't go and although he tried antidepressants, they had side effects that my H said he couldn't deal with. Plus, if he got mad (at me for ANY reason) he'd quit the pills cold turkey and then we'd REALLY have a roller coaster ride for awhile!<BR>I realize my H has problems and others who know him think of this too. My H says he's moody because he's in chronic pain.<BR>But, I really would like to address just the wedding ring part and see if I'm over reacting.... or seeing a huge warning of what is to come (infidelity?)<BR>Sorry this is so long and thank you all!<BR>Ana

Ana,,,<P>I will only address the wedding ring. Hope I didn't step out of bounds before.<P>It sounds like your H may just be feeling unattractive. It sounds like his confidence level is really low right now. All those things that go with that are things we all have to find inside ourselves.<P>Are you over-reacting? If it were me, yes. But I'm not you. If YOU feel that you are, then pull back a little. Give him at least one compliment a day, and honest one. And see if that helps. <P>I have to say it,,,if he's in chronic pain he needs to see a doctor.<P>Ok,,,I"ll shush for now. I hope that helps some. Just trust yourself to know what is best for you marriage. Just remember that your H is a PERSON,,,,he has dreams, hopes, fears, insecurities, and anxiety just like you do.<P>Good luck!!<BR>Wolf

Nakona Wolf, <BR>He had got mad at me when I didn't do what he thought needed to be done for a customer. The possible customer did not qualify for a loan and I knew it but he didn't have faith in me, I guess. He wanted me to "do more" but the woman had horrible credit and not enough money so I stood by my final answer and it made him mad. <BR>I was going to go to bed in our bed when I saw the movie and thought he was doing this to hurt me. He normally won't watch something like this if I'm around because he knows it makes me upset. I don't think he is in the habit of watching them often when alone either so porn is not really a issue so much as used as a way to get back at me that night.<BR>I can apologize about anything but he never will accept - he says I'm not sincere, or I"m 'too late" or any number of things. He is a victim -- always!<BR>He seems to dwell in a victim mode often. Once when a check came to his business name instead of to him personally, he got mad because the people deliberately did that to him to make him pay taxes... He assumes this type of victimization often.<BR>He exibits anger in areas most people might not. For example, if there is a "dumb" driver on the road, my H won't go out of his way to avoid an accident until the very last minute because as he sees it, he isn't "doing anything wrong" and it's the other driver's fault. Of course, I am a nervous wreck on the passenger side and then he gets mad at me for not "trusting" him.<BR>He has gotten mad at me for being gone too long at church (he won't go, never has except a Christmas program), gets mad at me if I wear pajamas to bed. (He hates the "feel" of them), etc. <BR>He says I'm controlling but even a counselor that we tried, felt that Greg has issues of his own that don't have anythign to do with me but with his own person.<BR>It's so sad as i thought we'd have it made once the kids were grown....

Well Ana, at 23 years of marriage, I wouldn't say you guys are rookies at marrital disagreements. However, you two seem to be in the "punish the other guy mode" Not sleeping in the same bed, taking off the wedding ring, intentionally keeping the porn movie on, etc. You guys are just sparring with each other.<P>You can't control your H but you can choose your own attitude. Don't punish by staying away. Continue to meet your Hs ENs. However, I'm not saying to let him run over you. Keep your tongue and try to respond to his anger with loving concern. It does sound like he needs to have a follow up visit with the doctor. Chronic Pain could explain his behavior. It doesn't condone it but it might explain it.<P>Keep at it. Explain to him about your concerns about the wedding ring. Be up front and honest, tell him you expect him to wear it unless theres a medical problem or a reguirement to remove it (working around machinery, chemicals, etc) My W occasionally removes her rings when her fingers swell, but that's usually only a day or two. I definitely notice though.<P>On the other hand, I know people who have been married for years and never wear their rings. Go figure! Other's wear their ring in the belly buttons! Yuk!<P>Keep posting, there's an answer in here somewhere.

Ana I don't think you are over reacting about the ring. I will tell you a little about my conflict and see if that helps. My husband and I are going through a very rough time even separated briefly. Been married 7 years, 2 kids. At time I am not wearing my rings, my husband is wearing his. I know taking them off to myself does not mean I am single and looking, it just means I am hurting in a BIG way. I know in my heart I will not be able to put them on until we are on the road to recovery (we seem to be tripping on that first bump alot) I guess to me it is my way of telling him I am still hurt without having to nag about it. <BR>I don't know if this helps, but I truly do not believe if it hurts you that it is over reacting. I hope you will be able to find the words to tell your husband your feelings without creating even more conflict.

There you go! Brent said it perfectly. You can't control your H, but you have complete control over how much you allow his actions affect you.<P>You can choose which amount you allow it to hurt, or not hurt. It is your decision.<P>I agree with your past counselor, your H has issues he should deal with. But, let me ask you, who doesn't? We all deal with things when we are ready. It isn't something that can be pushed, it comes with time and maturity.<P>Good luck!<BR>Wolf