I am 35 years old and have been happily married for almost 16 of those years. We have had problems (usually my doing) but not like this before. <P>First let me say this about my wife. She is an attractive 37-year-old Red Headed, fair skinned, short (petite) woman. I think she is beautiful (but maybe I am blinded). She is normally a caring person. She goes out of her way to be nice with most people. She is a bit naive and insecure about a lot of things from her physical build to her intellect. (This is nothing I did not know about when we married)<P>I am a 6'1" 35 year old with brown hair and wear glasses. I am more emotionally motivated than most men I know. In other words I am driven by my emotions first, brain later. I too am a bit naive and insecure (she knew this when we married)<P>Another man hurt her before we met and another woman hurt me before we met. (I say man and woman really we are talking about 18-19 year old people.) We both were aware of this when we got married and have been ever since. Truth is known I did some hurting of my own in regards to my ex-girlfriend. She told me she wanted to see other people and I took it badly and later she tried to make amends and I led her on and had sex with her and then left her thinking we were going to try to make things work. (There had been talk as well as planning of marriage) I also lied to her about buying a ring.<P>My ex-girlfriend has always been a sore spot with her for reasons like my Mom saying to her when she was pregnant with our first child "Oh, I saw so and so today and we had a talk". Well this type of talk may have been inappropriate at the time and the mere mention of this woman's name used to cause arguments. <P>As I was saying, we have been married for 16 years and have had our ups and downs. Slightly more ups than downs, but it is close. Most of the problems stem from either money or something stupid I did at the time. For instance, I was in the USAF and was sent to a base with a colleague (female type) and we got along just fine together. Probably too friendly according to most people (I am guessing here). I called my wife from a bar and told her I had closed it down with this woman and others and said some stuff (although I am not sure what) that made her upset. I also had pizza with this girl and her roommate in her room (was hungry and ordered pizza and ended up eating it in her dorm room) (dorm room is not a true picture--it was more like a hotel room for two people.) There was one chair and I set on the bed. I told my wife this and a couple of years later were able to put it behind us (somewhat). (Nothing happened sexually)<P>As I said, we have had our ups and downs and we are in a deeper down slide than ever. We both have been trying to be better people and Christians (Episcopalian) but it seems like no matter how many single steps forward we make we always take two steps back. We have been having problems with a daughter and with money etc. and some of the problems stemmed from a turbulant relationship I had with my mother over the years. We would not talk for years at a time. <P>Well my mother and my wife and I finally cleared the air last year and are now getting along a lot better than we ever have. (Not perfect by any means but tolerably well). During my conversation with my mother trying to clear the air she mentioned some things that upset her about me and I mentioned some things about her. One of the things she said about me struck me later. She said she had talked to my ex-girlfriend later after my wife and I had married and my ex<BR>Had told her that the reason she broke up with me was because I lied about the ring and she knew it so she broke up with me to try and get me to come clean with her I guess.<P>Over the last year and a half I have been working away from home and coming back on the weekends and it has been hard. However, I have had a lot of time to read and study the Bible as well as other books (mostly theological in nature or work related)<P>Now to the point. Over the years I have been reading my Bible (studying it actually) and attending Church more regular and I thought I had an Idea in my head that a Christian person is a forgiving and caring type of person. So when things started to go badly again for us in our family life and to an extent our personal relationship I started asking myself what could I have done in my past to cause all these money problems or child problems etc. I had been wondering (ever since my conversation with my mother) if maybe it had been the way I treated my ex-girlfriend and others in my life that I may have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. I told my wife that I felt this way about 6 months ago. I told her I only had regrets about the way I treated ex and other people. Well, started wondering this and told my wife that I thought I should try to contact my Ex through a classmates thing online and send off an E-Mail telling her I was sorry. (It was in my mind that I was going to contact this woman eventually anyway but I did not want my wife to think it was because I was trying to rekindle a romance or anything like that) My wife after some talking said to "follow my heart". So I did and I sent the e-mail the next day and told my wife I did. I said in the email I sent that I was sorry for having treated her badly and regretted it and I wanted her to know that. I also said in the e-mail I was happily married and this was not a come on or anything. I emailed my wife a copy of what I was going to send and she said it was okay so I sent it. I put my work phone number and temporary apartment phone number down for her to call if she wanted to talk or whatever. I really was not expecting her to call me but she did. We ended up talking and clearing the air and she told me what I did in her opinion and I told her what she did in my opinion and we said that we did not hate each other and wished things worked out different but things happen for a reason. Then we started talking about each other and about our family and she said she had been divorced twice and was seeing someone for 2 years and was falling in love with him and was a single parent and she weighed 60 pounds more than in high school to give me an Idea of what she looked like. I told her about my daughters and what I looked like and a little about my wife. Toward the end when we said goodbye it got a little emotional to say goodbye again and she said maybe we could be friends and I said I did not think we should and my wife would never understand etc. Then afterwards we said goodbye and good luck. That was then end of my talking to her. <P>My wife has since told me I have no concern for her feelings, that I never should have made the call, that I should have said more things positive about her in the conversation, that it was not God leading me into this decision it was Satan's influence, we have been married for so long in the eyes of God and she felt we were all partners and then I did this to her and God let me so now God and I are wrong and she is right, she said that I might as well have cheated on her because of how bad she feels (by the way--my ex and I are separated by over 1,000 miles.), she has called me a --astard and said I could not have hurt her more if I tried, when she was sick she said maybe she would die and then said she bet that is what I wanted etc...<P>I have since got mad and started telling her how I feel by her attitude and insecurities taking over and that she is not rationally thinking about what happened and how it took place and that she is twisting my words around to be whatever she wants them to be instead of the context they were used in. <P>I do not want to separate or divorce but she will not talk to anyone because she says she is too embarrassed to because "what will her parents think of me and so forth". I said I did not care that I thought she needed to talk to someone anyway. <P>This brings us close to up to date. Needless to say, she is upset and I am upset and I need some advice on how to handle the situation further. Is this enough detail for a woman to give me her perspective on this issue (because my wife feels that any woman would have reacted as she had)<P> <P>------------------<BR>JB
