Hi, I am new to posting, but I just had to ask for advice from anyone who may be able to help.<P>My husband rejoined the Navy, after a 5 yr absence, and he was in the Navy when we met, but recently I have been having some trust issues with him since he had to leave a month and a half ago.<P>While he been gone, he visited a strip club, went through almost 900 dollars, and constantly lied to me about what he was doing, & never called when he said he would. He never told me what was wrong, and never said anything to the contrary when I told him that I thought maybe it was something I did or said before he left, but after his second week away, I received a bank statement, and found out about all the money he was withdrawing out of our bank account, so I went and cancelled BOTH of our ATM cards.<P>I am hurt, and constantly crying about this stupid stuff, and I really don't know what to do. When we talk it is strained. I know my husband is a good man, and really loves me, AND our 3yr old son, and he says constantly that he is sorry that he ever hurt me so bad, but I am having problems trusting him. I really love him, and I know that I should trust him, but everytime I think of all the lies, and pain he has put me through in this past month, AND ABOUT HIM IN THAT STRIP BAR, I start thinking "WHAT IF'S" like, what if he cheated on me, what if he is lying to me again, what if he is hurting me this bad, just so I will divorce him, stuff like that.<P>I guess the feelings I am having lately are a combination of missing him terribly, and hurt because he lied to me in the first place.<P>I love my husband so much, and I KNOW he loves me, but the thought of him lying to me hurts so much, and the fact that all he does is say "I'M SORRY", but never in any real way I can believe, just - "I am sorry to put you through all this sh**", so why can't I BELIEVE HIM???!!!!<P><BR>Not only all this, but him going to the strip club, after a specific promise from him before he left that he wouldn't do that sort of thing hurts the worst, because it makes me feel ugly, fat, undesirable, and generally just awful.<P>I just miss him so much. He was and is my best friend, and I miss that closeness so much. The man I married would NEVER HAVE done ANYTHING LIKE THIS before, but now, he seems strange, distant, and he is always in a hurry to get off the phone, when we talk.<P>I just feel so betrayed!!!!!! AND, I guess I feel left behind, and left out of all the dicision making, but I thought I would be prepared for this, because we waited soooo long for him to be able to rejoin. (He had to meet weight requirements, and it took 4 1/2 months for him to be at the correct weight)<P>I asked him if he would go to counseling with me, when he returns, and he said yes, so maybe that's what I need, but what am I supposed to do when these feelings come up til he returns? I do NOT want to keep fighting over this, but I just don't know what to "believe" from him anymore.<P>I know we won't be able to solve any of this, because he will be away at school for another month and a half, so how do I deal with this until he returns?<P>I really need some advice, because I want to be with this man forever, because I do love him, and he is basically a good man, who DOES love his family, but maybe I just need to see another side of it...<P>How do I start to trust him again, because now everytime we talk, I imagine all sorts of things he is doing AFTER he gets off the phone with me.<P>He made some promises to me before he left for school, and so far he has kept them, like calling more, but I just keep expecting him to "MESS UP" again...<P>Any replies welcomeed...<P>J.<P>------------------<BR>"True love is forever...right?"

navywife03:<P>If your husband has agreed to counseling, I would strongly urge you to try the MarriageBuilder's phone counseling. You can call the office at 888-639-1639 for an appointment. If you've gotten familiar with the site and the concepts, it sounds as if these skills could be the perfect thing to help your marriage through these difficult times.<P>At this point, I'm not sure if you're dealing with thoughtless behavior or an affair. Your reaction to your husband's behaviors, while "normal", will not help this situation. I wouldn't think of divorce as a solution here---you need to encourage honesty from your husband, and the two of you need to learn how to use the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement with your spouse). If you were using the POJA in the marriage, he wouldn't have gone to the strip club. <P>Not to repeat myself... , but I would really urge you to try the counseling with the Harleys (Dr. Harley's children, Steve and Jenn, do the counseling---they're both terrific, and I know this first-hand). Start immediately: one of the great things about this counseling is that one spouse can make a big difference in the marriage. Another great thing is that the phone counseling doesn't require you to be at the same physical location---you and your husband can do it right now. In fact, it's more likely that Steve or Jenn would have one-on-one sessions with the both of you for a while, to sort out the issues.<P>You might also want to post at the Emotional Needs section of this Board. It gets more traffic than "Resolving Conflict".<BR><p>[This message has been edited by K (edited May 17, 2001).]

thank you, I will try posting to the other topic group, and I will speak to my husband about the phone counseling, but the thing is, he really doesn't have time to do it now, as he is in school, and attends all day everyday til 3:30, then he has naval duties, so we do have to discuss it...<P>Thank you again!<P><BR>J.

navywife:<P>If your husband doesn't have time to do it, you should be doing it without him. And the MB counseling times are pretty flexible: I believe that you can get an appointment anywhere from 7am to 10 pm, Central.

navywife:<P>There was an interesting MB discussion thread a few days ago about strip clubs titled "Question for men: Ye Olde Strip Club Topic" at this address:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008900.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008900.html</A> <P>It might help a little in that some of the posters said there was less going on in those clubs than many people think. However, it might discourage you as well, so I offer the address just in case you want to read this thread, if you haven't already. <P>I am so sorry to hear of the difficult situation you are in. Not knowing what is going on, if anything, can be so painful.<p>[This message has been edited by computergal (edited May 18, 2001).]