I am new to Dr Harleys methods but when I first started reading them I felt I had finally found someone who I agree with. My wife of over 10 years and i have both been reading this site indipendantly for over a week and we agreed that this is what we need for our marriage.<BR> When we got to the Radical Honestly part of our discusion she told me she had had sex with 34 men before she met me. I am about to be sick, I had to stop our talk right away. I can't look her I the eye. She had never indicated for a minute that she lived this kindof a life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this one. How do I cope with this ?<BR>h

I understand your feelings. You did ask for radical honesty and you certainly got it. I would imagine that most women and men normally minimize the number of partners they have been with. I do not know your story but if she has been faithful in your 10 years of marriage then I would work on getting over it. On the other hand, if she has been unfaithful then I would guess she may have a pattern of sexual behavior that would make it difficult for her to stay<BR>faithful. The bottom line is if she has been trustworthy in the marriage then be thankful for that. If she has been unfaithful especially with her track I would think she would<BR>continue to do this down the line and I would think about other options in your life. I wish you luck.

I don't know if she has been faithful or not! I have suspected it but she says no. But now I know her ability to lie and I am more worried about her being or having been unfaith then ever. I know she would never tell me if she has been.<BR>h

Are women with this type of sexual behavier before marriage more or less likely to have affairs after marriage?<BR>h

Howard,<P>This is tough. You say you have suspected but you are not sure. The general consensus has been if in your gut you feel she is cheating then she usually is. You also say should would lie and never tell you anyway. What a dilemma. I guess a real question is simply to be honest with yourself. Will you be able to overcome this confession and do you want to overcome this problem. There is no easy answer. This is just my opinion Howard but if I was in your situation and you have suspected in the past of her being unfaithful; the knowledge of her past behavior would always lead me to feel insecure. I don't know if I could overcome it. I suggest you been totally honest and open with your wife and explain your feelings about this and the feeling that you have that she has been unfaithful in the past. Only you can decide how you wish to live the rest of your life. I wish you luck.

but are woman with her past more likely to be unfaithful?<BR>h

Hello Howard,<P>I will take a stab at your question. My guess and I am no expert would be yes. The reason I would put this forth is that her past indicates that she was into sex big time as a recreational sport and she enjoys it tremendously. I would think if things are not going great at times at home she would be more likely to have sex with others. It is possible she would likely turn to having sex with someone else as a release from pressure or stress. Her past indicates that she may have been a sex addict who enjoyed different men. I would think it may be difficult for her to ever be faithful to one person. This is only my opinion and I am not an expert.<BR>Good Luck.

I am not an expert either but my feeling on this is very similar to what you have said. I need to seek advise from an expert. <BR>h

Well, as a woman who has never actually kept track of the number (I'm impressed that she can remember that it's precisely 34!) I can tell you that I, for one, have never had an affair. I've never had sex with anyone else's husband (well, OK I have, but the wife was there too), and I would never cheat on my own husband. I never used sex as a recreational sport, I used it to convince myself that I was desirable and loveable. A lot of counselling, and a loving husband really helped.<P>I would never cheat on my H. Once, I developed a crush on a coworker and told my H about it because it made me realize that he wasn't meeting my most important emotional needs.<P>Why do you think your W would lie to you? She told you the truth about the number of lovers she's had even in spite of your response (disrespectful judgment). I don't know whether women with a history of premarital sex are more likely to have affairs than those without. I do know that women with husbands who lovebust are more likely to have affairs than are women whose husbands do not lovebust.

It sounds as though you were honest to your husband and I admire that. You found someone you loved and didn't keep secrets from. I'm finding out after 14 years.She not only didn't tell me the truth she fabricated a lie to lead me to believe she had every few lovers,I was honest to her about my past. And over the years there were many times that she used my honesty to remind me of what a low life I was because of my past and how she had been so much better then I. I lacked disgretion. It was all a lie.<BR>h

That was then this is now. Fretting over the past is not healthy, you asked for honesty, guess what you got it. Then you behaved in such a fashion as to not warrant her honesty in the future. So now you must work to gain her trust, not her to gain yours. Why would she be honest about anything that happened during your marriage when you OVERREACT to her past. "Thou shalt not judge" that is left to our lord, get into counseling quick to help both you get back on track. You need to prove you love her now, by accepting her past & moving on. There shouldn't be any correlation between past number of partners & infidelity once married, especially if you are meeting her needs.

All I know is it is drivimg me insane. I wish i could take your advice bandido but how do i put all of my emotions aside? I'm trying, i love her i love our children. I want to let it go but it keeps haunting me. I try to intitelualize this situation but it's not working.<BR>h

Hello Howard<P>Have you thought about totally explaining your feelings to your wife and that how her past has made you feel insecure.<BR>Tell her about your fear of her straying. Put it out all on the table and see what you wife says. Tell her your feelings <BR>about infidelity and how in the past you have felt insecure about her lies in the past. I think you need to have a complete open discussion about your feelings with your wife about your fears and see if she can put them to rest. Tell her your fear that having so many sex partners in the past will lead her to stray in the future. Be sincere and open with her. I think her responses to you will tell you a great deal about her and the state of your marriage.<BR>Good Luck.

It should not make any difference if she had sex with 5 men or 10 men or 34 men before she got married. People do crazy things when they are young. It does not mean that they carry on with this same behaviour into the future. People mature and their values change. Your wife is not the girl she used to be. You are wrong to make her pre-marriage history into a problem. Accept her as the woman that you love and respect and who has devoted her life to you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by howard:<BR><B>All I know is it is drivimg me insane. I wish i could take your advice bandido but how do i put all of my emotions aside? I'm trying, i love her i love our children. I want to let it go but it keeps haunting me. I try to intitelualize this situation but it's not working.<BR>h</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, I understand a bit better now. Howard, you don't need to put your emotions aside. Since you're trying radical honesty, you might want to talk to your wife about how you feel. Don't blame her for it, don't dump it on her, but discuss it. Let her know you -- that includes your feelings.<P>You are saying that you have emotions, but I am only hearing you focus on her. What she said, what she did, etc. Try to focus on you and your feelings -- you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, etc. Then focus on what YOU did and what YOU can do. What part did you play in making honesty so difficult for her early on, what part can you play in helping her understand how you feel, and in letting yourself understand how she felt then and feels now. No need to intellectualize, my dear; emotions are made for feeling.

Ok, Howard, I'll bite............<P>I've had at least as many lovers as your W prior to marriage, and several long term monogamous relationships. I did not marry until age 35, so do the math. I can honestly tell you that I would never, ever cheat on the man I finally married. I found a gem but guess I had to kiss a lot of toads! Having many lovers while single does not, IMHO, predispose a man or a woman to being a cheater. It's all in the moral compass. <P>Have you asked you W why she had 34 lovers?

Thanks Kelski, Your the one I've been waiting to hear from.<BR>h

I just read through the posts to this Howard and I would just like to share a little from another man that has had some of the same feelings you have.<P>My wife is older than I and she was married twice before me, once in her teens and the other in her early twenties. The second produced two kids. Then she went for over twenty years before she met me. In that time, I am under the impression that she is one of these women that needs to be 'wanted' by someone. I know that she has been through many relationships. I also suspect that she has had several sexual relationships along the way too. Some long term, some very short. These have produced two more children.<P>When we met, it was magic and for her an entirely different feeling than she had ever had. The same is true for me. I mean after all I was not a virgin either...Married twice to the same woman (A WHOLE 'nother story) and several other lovers over twenty years....<P>My point is that (And I am having to learn this one day at a time myself) is that the past is the past. It can only harm you if you let it.<P>Does she come home to you at night?<BR>Does she enjoy being in your company?<BR>Are your arms the only ones she wants to be wrapped up in?<BR>Does she still 'want' you in the bedroom?<P>If you and she say yes to those questions, then what is the problem? If, after you look deep in your heart and find that you love her, love her more that she told you this deep secret because she loves you too.

You are more than welcome, Howard. If the number of lovers your W has had prior to you really bothers you, talk to her about it. Before I got married, I told my intended everything about me, and I do mean EVERYTHING! There was nothing to hide. I am not ashamed of my past. It helped bring me to where I am today and was able to recognize a good man when he appeared. My H knows that he can come to me and ask anything about the men I've been with before him and he will get an honest answer. He does the same for me. So far we've had no problems with out pasts.<P>Good Luck, Howard!

And Freddyb says it right.......When we met it was like magic! Like no other feeling I've ever experienced.