I've been with my common law wife now for about 6 years. In the past we've never had any of these problems that I'm going to discuss. We have 2 children and have lived together for 5 years we are both 23 and we started our family very young. Throughout our relationship I was the one that was working and she stayed home with the children as we arraged. Started about 10 months ago I had lost my job and she wanted to start working and have me stay home. I had no problem with this and I supported her in the situation. She began working and as far as I knew we were very comfortable together no fighting and continued to go out and havea good time together. about 3 months into working there she decides not to come home for about 10 hours after her shift of work ended. When she did eventually come home she told me she went to a guys house from work and just talked with him because she was unhappy with things in our relationship. I was extremely hurt by her going to another man for her problems and it made me very insecure and seriously effected my trust in her. She had admitted to me that she though this guy was cute but she claimed to have no interest in him in any other way but friends. We talked it over and she ended up leaving her work place to transfer to a new store that was opening. It was closer to home but she told me it was because she knew how much it hurt me to have her at work with this guy. <P>7 months pass and now another situation in her new workplace has arrose. She's stayed in the same field (waitress in a family restuarant). There was a mutual male friend that was one of the managers at her new work that was a great guy and spoke with me frequently as well as her. This guy has a serious interest in another woman that works with them but this girl has no interest in him. He's persued her for about 4 months and she's never returned any of it but he refuses to give up. This person had also been dating another woman that works in the same restaurant as them but it ended and this guy has been persuing this new girl. The new guy found out some bad news and turned everything around onto everyone he knew except this girl he was angry and rude to everyone because of how upset he was. My wife was very upset with him not speaking to her and she would come home daily telling me that this guy was still being really weird and not talking to her.... the story continues..........................<BR>About 2 week's ago this guy returns to being his normal chipper self and this is where the serious issues and fear has began for me. In the past 2 weeks my wife has started to work out for the first time in over 3 years, she went out and spent 200 dollars on some new clothes(even though we are on a tight budget with our 2 children) She went out 2 days after that and spent 100 dollar to get her hair proffesionally cut and dyed. She calls me on a sunday night and ask's if it's alright if she goes out with some friends to a bar for a drink after work. I ask if this new guy will be there and she tell's me yes but so will a lot of other people. My wife didn't return until the next day at 12 noon saying that she spent the night at a friends house because she didn't want to come home. She goes off about how she doesn't think she can ever be happy with me no matter what I do for her which is really shocking to me because just 2 weeks earlier she was telling me that I was her soul mate and she loved me more then life itself. She's admitted to me that she's got some kind of obsession/infatuation about this new guy so much to the point where she turns on the computer before she goes to bed just to see if he's online in ICQ. She doesn't even message him she just checks if he's online. I've confronted her about it and she proffesses that they are only friends and she's not interested in him in any way but friends.... after she arrived home that day from being out all night she tell's me to take the kids and to leave her be by herself for a few days.. I take the kids and I gave her the space she asked for and she calls and tells me to come home afterwards. She tell's me she loves me and that she wants to be with me but I don't feel it anymore...She shows me no affection and seem's distant whenever she's at home with me. She's not her normal self anymore and I get a bad feeling in my gut. It's almost like when she tell's me she loves me that I don't believe her. I don't feel it at all. Up until this happened my wife would tell me she loved me before she got out of the car or off the phone.... She has totally stopped that and will only say she loves me in response to my telling her I love her. I'm totally confused, my gut tell's me that she has a thing for this other guy but is refusing to admit it. My gut also tell's me that she doesn't love me anymore. Please give me some advice I have no idea what to read into these things if anything at all.<BR>

As I read the post, it sounds like there may be something going on there. I would think that the most important thing in both of your lives should be your children. You need to sit her down and very calmly ask her if she has thought this all through. Yes, she has now had a chance to go and spread her wings so to speak. Don't bring up affairs or staying out all nite, just ask what she plans to do from this point on in your lives. I have been divorced twice and for me the end of a relationship is the hardest thing to do, but when I have control, it is easier. Right now she has control and you are the one who is out of the loop. If she plans to go on with this kind of life, maybe you need to evaluate where you stand with her.<P>We cannot change other people. We can either accept them or allow them to move on down their path. Whatever happens, remember those children. Do NOT raise your voices in front of them. REMIND them that you love them. They probably already know something is wrong with mom and dad and they are probably already starting to blame themselves, make sure they are reassured they have not done anything wrong.<P>Also, when I had ended or had a relationship ended on me, I thought that I would never love again. Evertime that it seemed that I was about to fall into the pit of dispair, Love would fall out of the sky. Remember that.<P>I ask the Lord to bless you to have the patience to pray on this matter, to open up your heart to what HE wants you to do and that you will follow HIS lead. Amen

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confused husband:<BR><B>I've confronted her about it and she proffesses that they are only friends and she's not interested in him in any way but friends.... after she arrived home that day from being out all night </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First of all, I totally agree with Freddyb. Those children are the innocents in all of this and they should come first. I just wanted to state that first because....<P>You should listen to your gut, CH. When I first realized that my H "might" be fooling around with an OW, I only kidded myself by trying to rationalize things. My brother said something to me that really hit home and I want to share it with you:<BR>He said, "You have lived with him for so long that you know him like a book. You know every nuance, every mood, every little detail about him that anyone could possibly know. In fact, no one on this earth knows him in the way that you do, and you alone can tell even the smallest changes in him. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, then believe it. Something is wrong."<P>I couldn't have said it better myself, CH. Whether or not your wife is cheating on you is important for you to know, but what you are missing is that there IS a huge problem between the two of you. Any married woman (and a mother, at that!) who suddenly takes interest in her appearance, buys all those clothes and starts staying out all night long is definitely sending her H a message! It's one that you may not want to hear, or are not ready to hear, but it is there. Your gut is telling you that already. <P>To top it all off, she tells you that this sudden "interest" of hers and she are just friends and nothing more. Right. Do you honestly believe that? No, you don't, or you wouldn't be worried enough to post your letter here. Believe me, CH, all of us who have been betrayed by our spouses have gone through the same emotions and fears that you are going through now. <P>It took me several months to come to the conclusion that the problem was not that I couldn't tell for sure if he was unfaithful or not...but that I didn't really want to know or believe it. Once I did know for sure or believe it for sure, then I would have to take some sort of action. <P>Please read all that you can on this site, CH. Start with Dr. Harley's articles (ALL of them!) and keep on going. I'll send some prayers your way, as I know everyone who reads your letter will, too.<P>God bless you,<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited June 06, 2001).]

I've been through this BS, also. You are very likely reading the signs appropriately. It goes from numbness to shock, to anger, to depression, etc, round and round.<P>My common-law W of 9 years (she remained married to her original husband for six years)... eventually got tired of me and of our life together. Thus began our saga last August, 2000.<P>She began to make little comments like, "what would you do, if I fell in love with someone else"? Nevermind that the someone else was an internet romance, living thousands of miles away in another country. She was very evasive about this, very indirect, and she became increasingly infuriated with me over all sorts of things, real and imagined.<P>She also started the same makeover BS: a newfound interest in exercise, weight loss, pot smoking, needing "space", new group of friends, locking the door from 6PM to 2AM so she could chat on the computer, secret post office box, etc, etc.<P>The reality became more obvious for me, with each little thing I found lying around: the instructions on how to clean up the computer files, the email messages, the post office address, the cards and pictures from the lover, the fighting, etc.<P>But here is the most important thing: the kids.<P>Are your children legitimized? In case you don't know what that means, you should find a reputable domestic law att'y PRONTO. If you can, you MUST get those kids legitimized, then file a complaint for custody. Your complaint should strongly establish their paternity (that's you, right?). It should also establish primary jurisdiction of the court in which it is filed. That way, if she tries to take them away, you will be in a much stronger position to fight for them, than if you do NOTHING. Furthermore, they NEED TO KNOW WHERE THEIR HOME IS... in YOUR HOUSE! As much as possible, if she tries to leave with them, do not let her disturb their stuff, their bedrooms, their playthings. Do everything you can to reassure them, and to let them know where their home is.<P>And I also learned this: during this painful journey, your children will be a source of strength to you. They don't have to know the details, and they won't understand. But when you hug them, and when you tell them how much you love them, you will find a surprising strength to carry on with whatever you must face.<P>And PLEASE... don't try to save it at the expense of your own personal integrity and self esteem. Do what you think is appropriate and possible, but be cautious. Show your love for your children by being firm and not being desperate to get her back at any cost. <P>And don't forget: you CAN'T FIX IT all by yourself.<P>In my case, I eventually realized that I don't have the same deep love and admiration for my partner as I did prior to her wreaking havoc on me, herself, her daughter, our son, and our relatives. As a good friend said, "You know she done tore her [censored] from your family, don't you?"<P>Although I was willing to work at it, I guess I was just too slow-moving, emotionally speaking, for her. Out of insecurity and a deep need to feel loved at all costs, she eventually reverted to the new lover anyway. <P>In retrospect, once these things happen, and if you're not legally married, then it is EXTREMELY difficult to repair. Ironically for us, I had told her about six weeks before the affair was revealed, that I would marry her.<P>Good Luck.