I had a lot of great advice and counsel on my last post, so I would like to try a different topic along the same lines of trying to resolve a conflict.<P>My W and I have two different ideas of what intimacy in marriage is supposed to be about. When she is in the mood, she will ask if I would like to do something and then we will take our time and I will do all the things that will bring her to a nice O.<P>When I am in the mood, I get "All you want is..." "All you think about is" and "This is not the only thing people that are married do...."<P>Also, when I want to start something, her idea of a good time is to throw off her jammies and say, come on in....not very romantic ya know...<P>In a previous post, I was told to seduce her....well, nibbling on her ears and neck only tickles her. Lightly stroking her arms and such only annoys her...and whispering sweet nothings in her ears only bothers her. Now in her defense, she is older than I, has passed that 'time' in life and she does work all day.<P>But I am wondering if any of you have similar situations or can offer some words of comfort...I feel like I am all alone in our bed sometimes...<P>Thanks<p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited June 27, 2001).]

FreddyB..<BR>Maybe the most intimate things you can do have nothing to do with sex. Do you hug, just for the heck of it? Is a kiss and "I love you" only spoken in the hopes of "getting some?" Women love romance, that means flowers, silly cards, hugs, kisses and affection without always feeling that it will always end in sex. Cuddling or massages. Having part of dinner made, doing a chore she usually does, things that show you appreciated her, the work she does, the person she is, are all very seductive to a busy woman.<BR>Why don't you try all those things and not have sex for...10 days...if she's suspicious, tell her..I love you for more than sex. Or tell her you are aware of how she feels and you've declared a moratorium on sex for 10 days..make it a dare/bet...First one to give in owes the other 20.00! grin and ask if she thinks you'll make it.<BR>Think that will work?<BR>T

Thanks T:<P>She alrready tells me that I tell her I lover more than enough....all times of the day...<P>I do send cards and she gets mad when I do 'too many' of the chores around the house.<P>We watch TV cuddling or holding hands...so the romance is there...I am just not catching the rythmn of the relationship yet...<P>I am going to keep trying though.<P>Thanks for the input! <P>Now, the going for 10 days....hmmmmmm...might be worth a try if I don't explode...

I am in a similar relationship and we are in counseling. My wife has asked for help dealing with self esteem issues, which get in the way of our relationship. She doesn't feel pretty or sexy. Sometimes things are GREAT other times its BAD depends solely on her mood at the time. It is frustrating to LOVE so much but not feel LOVED, I beleive making love is the ultimate bond of 2 people. You can make love or have sex they are 2 different things. Sex is an act between 2 people, making love is something special. <P>My wife doen't understand me in this area either, good luck if you get any breakthroughs share them with the rest of us...

Yeah right! Good luck! I figure you're gonna do and do. She's gonna take and take. Wait a mintue---oh yeah that's my world!<BR>10 days aint' too bad. I hate it but it is possible. It causes quite a bit of needless friction in the marriage. Even a helpful hand in this area would suffice. A person can do all kinds of different things throughout the day but one more thing I guess is asking too much. To me it's pure selfishness and thoughtlessness. Yet of course, I'm the one considered selfish by even thinking of my needs. I feel your pain. All the time.

Been there, done that! I am the W in this situation. I have been exactly where you are now. I too thought that my H only wanted to get close to me for sex. That is the only time he payed me any attention. When he took on chores around the house I thought it was because he didn't like the way I did them or that I wasn't doing them at all. <P>I agree that you need to make sure you have intimate time where sex is NOT the end result. Touching, kissing, holding hands. I love sex just as much as the next person but I also love cuddling and non-sexual touching. It makes love feel right to a woman. My H used to tell me that sex was how I told him I love him. How did he tell me he loved me? Sex for his purposes. Not the same as what I needed.<P>Gregory Godek has a book 1001 Ways to be Romantic. Read it. It has some wonderful, creative ways to tell your wife that you love her. Believe me when she feels loved by you she will not be able to stop herself from having sex with you. <P>Now he calls me just to say "hi". He helps me out in the kitchen. He sends me little cards. He brings me a flower sometimes. He tells me he loves me all the time. I feel that he genuinely cares about me now. He is much more in tune with me and I am with him too. We have a wonderful sex life now. I never turn him down because I want it as much as he does. <P>My advice to you is find ways to be romantic that don't always include sex. Sex is just one facet of a successful marriage. Remember when you were first married? Was your sex life good? I bet you spent every waking minute together holding hands, embracing each other, and talking about your dreams and ambitions. Try it again. Rekindle the flame. Then fan the hell out of it! <P>NM

<BR>Even though I feel as if my relationship with my W is irretrievable, I purchased the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Together Forever. I strongly advise purchasing this book and all material relevant. At first you may think, ah mushy books, bla bla...These books are essentials for keeping the spark, romance and intimacy alive in your relationship. Don't wait until it's too late, if you cherish your relationship purchase, read and change with these books!!!!! <BR>

Personally I am somewhat like your wife. I am not the cuddle type and Do not touch my ears the last thing i want is slobber in my ear cannel haha.. I am more about getting to the business at hand and not just having an O but MANY O's<BR>And then of course doing all the things My hubby loves for me to do not only to him but to myself also :X <BR>So not every woman is the sweet and cuddly type. Some are the Wham Bam Thank You Mam type. :::song in my head , 9 inch nails... if you know the song you get the picture:::<P>

Thank you WOLos - I thought I was the only woman that felt like you do. I don't like the cuddles and hugs and warm fuzzies. I guess I have been married a long time (almost 20 years) and when it is "that time" I just want to get to the nitty gritty. I can give myself an orgasm, but it takes a real man to really have sex with me! LOL That is an inside joke I have with my husband. Incidentally - my husband is the touchy feeling one of the two of us, I'm sure he would love long hours of foreplay and lovemaking but that usually doesn't work for us. Everyone is different. If people are really in love and want to make their spouse happy - they make concessions, even if they are tired. I know I have "given in" on many occasions even though sex is not the biggest thing on my mind. Maybe I'm actually from Mars! <P>My suggestion to get what you want sexually is lots of verbal praise and words. I know that I couldn't say no to someone who is telling me constantly how much they want me and how uncontrollable he is when he is around me. Alot of that kind of talk can wear me down any day of the week.<P>Good Luck - sex is so hard to figure out, especially in marriage!!!