My H, of 31 yrs, blurted out to me, 2 days before I was having Bladder(Sling)op(3 wks ago), that he no longer was in love with me and couldn't see how his feelings were going to change, demands separation (I'm sure only to validate that he will feel much better once I'm gone) and I need to get over it, accept it, move on. Didn't mean to tell me until after my recuperation, but blamed me because I pushed the fact that h was acting mad and all I asked, what was the matter. Although completely and utterly in shock, I tried to calmly ask as many questions as I could. He's been thinking about this for at least 2 years and finally made decision 6 months ago (he almost lost job of 31 yrs 6 months ago) because of some stupid incident (h model employee). It would have been really nice to know he was considering all of this. Excuse was never seemed a good time to discuss, knew how I would react and didn't want to deal with it. Have never even seeked info from a marital web site before. I found this site yesterday and I'm reading & printing everything I can. Realize how this has & could happen but have no idea what to do! He is the most up-standing guy you would ever want to meet, but not now. Won't discuss, nothing to discuss. No longer respects me or our marriage (you can hear the hatred). I told him wks ago, the only way he was going to help in my recuperation, was at least be as nice as he possibly could be w/me. Besides reasons that this happened, there are so many other variablesn. He only thinks in absolutes and I deal w/emotions, try to gather all the information I can possibly find to help deal w/things. H has always had problem communic., I'm opposite. H would never seek counseling and now totally unwilling to read or consider anything else. The 1 thing I do know, shouldn't be confrontational w/h at all. I totally blew it tonight & have probably ruined any chance there may have been, although I don't think there is, the way he's acting. I asked when h might be able to talk about this. He aboslutely refused to discuss. I got mad, shouting started (can't remember when that has occurred). I said he had every right for how he feels, but I do to. He's totally & completely irrational! The 1 thing that I thought h could have at least done was to let me in on it before now, after 31 yrs. I no longer know who this guy is. I suffer from depression & stay sick half the time because body just can't handle stress. I'm only child, mother has Alzheimer's (7 yrs), father 87 & has just recently gotten sick. Are 3 1/2 hrs away & refuse to move near. Only place I have to go, guess that's where I'm headed. More I think about it, I don't want to separate but am trying to be at least reasonable. Menopause & H has classic signs of mid-life crises (won't even consider). Both 53. He totally denighs A. Who knows anymore. After all this, I am still completely in love w/H & will try until I can to save. I told him same thing 20 yrs ago (which of course is part of his validation) & I know exactly how he feels. However, mine was last ditch effort to save marriage. I had begged for affection & attention for several yrs. I, at least gave him options, & although loathed him, did't want him to leave. I know that things can completely change for better, just knowing he really cared. If anyone has any advice, please share. I have had a set-back in surgery, I have felt panic like I have never felt before. Please pray for both of us.<BR>

Dear Scotter,<BR> My story is similar. Difference is my H just MOVED OUT, while I was at work, left a note on the TV, said "Don't want to be married anymore, I filed for divorce." Sure enough, divorce papers were in the mailbox! That was 3 weeks ago. I cannot make contact with him, he will not take my cell calls. I leave messages, etc.<BR> <BR> What strikes me as similar is that your H "kept it to himself" or thought about it for a long time. I feel mine did, too. He sure put on a good act, though if he did! There was NO hint, NO yelling, fighting, maybe a little more distant,e tc, but we were remodeling a new house, readying to move into, I attributed it to "stress" - plus he hurt himself while working on it, got laid off in the middle of it, etc. So, he just RAN AWAY!!<P>Anyway, in your case, your H is still there, at least for now, you two are still under one roof. Implement Plan A immediately!! Get a print-out, post it where you only will see it, do it, all day, every day. Read all this great MB stuff, and begin to try to meet some of his EN. There's a chapter in one of Dr. Harley's books about restoring intimacy with a "withdrawn" spouse (which is what you've got). Read, find it, or order the book that has those concepts in it and begin using those concepts immediately. I agree, your marriage can be saved, but you've got to do all the work right now. I know you are hurting from your surgery (I had major surgery a year ago, and now wonder if that's why my H held off till now), but you've got to find the strength to do this NOW.<P>I will be praying for you both. If you want to continue to discuss,but in depth, you can e-mail me privately at "mk91upo@strato.net"<BR>Lupo