I really need some advice for what I'm going to write. I've been married for 1 yr and have a newborn baby. Before my husband (lets call him James) and I got married, my husband wanted to go out with my friend (lets call her Marie). He use to like her so much and he was always following her, calling her and telling her that he liked her a lot. She was seperated and had a baby. I always told him to just be careful because she was probably going back with her husband. Time passed and my friend went back with her husband and I started going out with James. I got pregnant and we got married. When I was pregnant and we got in an argument he always told me that he didnt love me and that he always loved Marie and the only reason that he started going out with me was because Marie had gone back with her husband. When I had my baby I thought that things were going to change and they did but not that big of a difference. Until this day every time we argue he tells me the same - - that he still loves Marie, and when we are happy with each other I ask him if he really loves Marie and he tells me "NO", that the only reason that he tells me that is because he knows that bothers me a lot and he is trying to make me mad. He told me that he could proof to me that he does not love her by calling her and talking to both of us (Marie and me). My husbands brother talked to me and he tells me why dont I leave him and he tells me that I could find somebody that will love me more and will not offend me in that way. He says that he does not understand why my husband says that he like Marie if everytime that we get in a fight James crys for me and says that he wont know what to do if I left him. I really dont know what to do. I really feel that my husband still likes my friend Marie and that is killing me because I love him so much and dont want to loose him. <BR>Somebody please give me some advise. Does anyone think that my husband still likes my friend or do you think that he is saying the truth - - that he just says that to make me mad. <P>Help!

Let's see here;<P>It seems to me that you got married for the wrong reasons. Yes, wanting to have two parents for a child is important, but how long did you two know each other before you were married. Also, if you knew he like the other girl, why did you sleep with him and make the baby??? I know, all water under the bridge...what to do now.<P>He now has to make a hard choice.<BR>You or the other woman. Is the other woman happily married? If so, your H should know that she is a lost cause. What relationship did they have before she got married in the first place? How long had he been following her around. Seems to me if he was following, he wasn't getting very close...<P>You obviously love him because you want to keep the relationship going. But he has your buttons down and he knows how to push them.<P>If he says he wants to go to her...say, 'go ahead.' Yes that would be hard. He knows in his mind that you will always want to keep him..what would he do if you said, 'fine, go...Leave your key to the house here and I will put your stuff on the porch.' Us men have to be hit with a ball bat at times to make a decision. Anytime my W and I get in an arguement and I say 'would you like to leave?' she just says, 'go ahead.' I don't say that too much any more.<P>You have to understand one fundamental fact...and I am still working on it myself...you cannot change him. He has to want to change for you. If he is that unhappy, you may need to let him go...a child growing up in a home where the parents fight is not a good situation...but a child growing up knowing that both parents care, while both may not be there, is certainly better.<P>Have you considered counseling? Either professional or through a local church? <P>Just know that you are not alone. If you look back through these pages, you will see that many other young women and men have and are going through what you are. Know this too, there is another side to this situation, you will make it and if you keep your head on straight and your wits about you, you will be the stronger one for it and he willhave lost out on someone that truly cares...let that be his decision...<P>Bless you.

Thank you for your advice "freddyb". <P>Every time that he tells me that, I tell him to go and to just leave me alone. I tell him that I dont need to be living like this all my life, but everytime that I tell him that he will start begging and cries in front of me and then he tells me that he does not whant to loose me, that he loves me very much and that he tells me all that sh** because he is mad and that he will never accept the idea of me being with somebody else. We knew each other for about 1 yr as friends and he never did anything with my friend, that I know of. My friend did not like him because he is the kind of guy that does not like to play around with women (she use to like dogs, if you know what I mean). He never goes out with the guys, never leaves me alone if we get mad and he likes to be with me and the baby. To tell you the truth, I really dont worry about him leaving because if he leaves is because he decided to leave - not because I did something wrong. But you know something, now that my friend sees me that I love him a lot or when she sees us having fun she tries to be super nice to him in front of me when we are at a dance or something. What I do is just sit back and watch - because when we just got married I use to beg him a lot after we got in an arguement, but now is like whatever. Is not because I dont love him, its because you just get so fed up and you realize that he is not the only man in this world and when I get to the point when I cant handle any more, I'll just leave with my baby. Like people say - - if its ment to be it will be. What do you think?

O.k first of all, you're wrong for going after some loser guy that wanted your friend, and since you took her sloppy seconds, you're the one that asked for it. You said she never even liked him or messed with him, how would you know, and if she did, that's even worst. And for anyone in their right mind to stay with a guy that's constantly telling her that he wants her friend and that he's only with her because that friend doesn't want him, and never even payed him the time or day, they're just as bad as the guy that's telling them that. Girl friend you have straight issues, and for you to stay with him after all the stress he puts you through, you actually deserve it.... And just because you guys had a baby and got married for ALL the wrong reasons, that's just an excuse for you. This evidentally gets to you seeings how you're waisting your time and day telling the whole world how you had a friend that never even wanted this stalker and he finally left her alone by using you to get to her, and then you turn around, slept with him, brought a child into this world by some stalker and then married him, god knows why you did that, and then complains about how he treats you and how he always has this Marie girl on his mind. YOU HAVE ISSUES. and second of all, stop complaining about something that you deserve, ask for and always stay. You have total control over this situation, but yet you do nothing but cry. Get out of there and support your child or stay there, raise this child by a stalker that's after your friend and deal with it and stop complaining, you must like to be treated like this, or else you wouldn't let it go on so long, yeah love hurts, but hurting yourself is way worst. Wake up. This is some harsh advise, but you asked for it, and if you don't take it, then stay with the loser James and quit complaining. Smile and move on...............

We all have our issues and reasons for making mistakes. Blaming and judging isn't at all helpful. Sparkles, if you really want to help others, please check out the MB concepts and use them to support your advice. Disrespectful judgments wouldn't happen to be an issue in your marriage, would they?<P>Girlygirl, I don't have time to fully respond right now, but please know that I'm thinking about you. This was sparkles' 1st post here, and hopefully he/she will learn to be more graceful in advice and support-giving.<P>[This message has been edited by Josephina (edited June 15, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Josephina (edited June 15, 2001).]

Ditto to what Jose just said;<P>When we are in love we becoome deaf, dumb blind and in my case, very, very stupid on several occassions...<P>Girly;<P>I was concerned with the way you responded to my note to you. If you REALLY want to be with him, then the two of you have to sit down and really open up to each other. The radical honesty concept.... I wouldn't stay with him if he is out whoring around just because you need to be with him, or he says he wants you...that is like having your cake and eating someone elses... <P>I thought Sparkles was a little hard on you but look at it and see if maybe there may be just a grain of truth there...as I looked at it I noticed that it related to several of my past relationships...I got what I deserved.<P>Your relationship can be fixed if both of you want it to be.<P>Best wishes and blessings

OH, one last thing...when my wife and I were in our session a few weeks ago the counselor mentioned something that I had never heard...the average couple will take up to two years to get into the rythmn of their relationship. One year is too soon to just give up.