I am a 45 yr. old female living with a 47 yr. old male. Shortly after moving in, I discovered he was chatting in BDSM/Role Playing rooms. I shared with him that I thought it was wrong and that he was "emotionally" cheating on me. He disagreed(and still does) and said it's no different than reading a dirty book or watching a dirty movie. He says it does nothing for him sexually and that it's just fantasy, an "escape" from the stresses of life and that I have nothing to worry about. He says he feels nothing for these women that play Master/Slave games with him. Am I overreacting or am I justified in demanding it stop?

Well, you can't make anyone do anything. It's truly up to them. <P>I, however, would also be terribly upset and my H would definitely feel the consequences of his "choice" of behavior. I'm not exactly sure what that would be except some form of alienation - not to manipulate him but to demonstrate that this does come between the two of you in your mind and if that's his choice, he may have to live with the consequences of that choice. <P>I may be wrong here... but I don't believe you can demand anything... but you don't have to just smile and take it either.<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Thanks for your response, OvrCs. This has caused alienation between us, but that seems to give him the excuse to do his sex chat even more. He's constantly contradicting himself. One minute he says there is nothing wrong with what he's doing and the next he's saying how disgusted and embarrassed of himself he is and wants me to help him. How can I help him? Police him all night? Disable the pc? Cut his hands off???? I think it's gone beyond my help. I think it's an addiction now and he needs some kind of professional help but of course, he'd never consent to that. Anyway, thanks again for your input and we'll see what happens.

Hi... I once read an article on Focus on the Families website about sexual addiction. Here is the link. I'd suggest that your H take a look at this and also on website - Focus.org He can do a site search on "sexual addiction" and come up with many stories and suggestions for help. Try this link for one physician's story:<P> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/physmag/marriage/a0011726.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/physmag/marriage/a0011726.html</A> <P>This should help get you started... in the meantime, continue praying for him. Don't look at him through your eyes... try to get the Father's eyes for him... your H is uniquely and wonderfully made and is trapped in a web of lies and false securities and needs to be set free. So, without enabling him... support him in prayer and information on how to help himself. You cannot change him but you can be a friend in a time of need. Lay aside your own needs and disgusts for the time being and give it your all if your marriage is what you want.<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Oh, here are a couple of more articles on this subject right here on this website! I hope they help!<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5050ap_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5050ap_qa.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050b_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050b_qa.html</A> <BR><P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

I feel you are right and you are stopping something before it starts<P>He must not do it again and put you first in his life and stop with his sneaky cheating behaviour<P>Otherwise he must go with you to a professional counsellor who can iron out the problem <P>He is engaging in a love buster<P>Tell him it kills your love feeling for him and you do not want that<P>Tell him you need to see him doing things that are pleasing for you so that his love can flow through you<P>Because you are together tell him that you are both one and you do not feel comfortable when he pulls into a world of his own because it makes you feel ignored and it is a cold feeling<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshows@hotmail.com<BR>

I think you are totally entitled to feel this way<P>You are right and he must stop straight away<P>I feel you should look for a minister or counsellor<BR>in your area to start giving you counselling about<BR>this issue<P>It is cheating yes and is darn unfair and abusive<BR>to your feelings<P>Get counselling soon<P>See <A HREF="http://www.prayertoweronline.org" TARGET=_blank>www.prayertoweronline.org</A> and <BR> www. allexperts.com<P>Carol<BR>

Finding out my H had an internet affair is why i found myself on the MB site. He would go into chatrooms and chat with many people. I too, being so trustworthy believed it to be innocent. Well the friendly chats then became flirty and before i knew it, he ended up have a PA through it. So now i am in a whole new world of pain from this betrayal.<P>Please make sure you seek help. Go together and seek counselling to stop this from from going any further. I urge you to do this asap. Otherwise the consequences are far more difficult to deal with and repair,if the situation worsens.<P>Tears <p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 03, 2001).]