Sorry I had you scared...it has been a very frustrating time for me. The doc did not have any suggestions yet for PITA. <P>In our conversation, it was basiclly that I needed to learn to ignore and do my thing and let my W do what she is going to do. After all, I am getting reminded that it is her daughter and not mine....sooooooooooo.<P>Sorry to hear about your dad....hope he is getting along well.<P>Am starting to think that coming here was a huge mistake. Only three weeks into the school year and I am ready to just walk out on these people. It is say one thing but do something else. Today is the last full day of homecoming week and it has been a total disaster...my boss came down on me this morning for doing exactly what I thought that she wanted done....oh well.....<P><BR>I guess I had better get some real work done this morning.<BR>Stay in touch.<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P>Sorry 'bout takin so long to reply. Haven't been on computer much. Thanks for your thoughts about my father, so far, everything is ok. He has to go in for a CAT scan sometime soon though.<P>I just got off the phone w/H. We mostly made small talk but eventually brought up us. We talked about what he would have to do for me to come back. I told him he would need to go to therapy to work on his personal issues. Still wasn't too receptive on that.<P>We talked about divorce. Admitted that we both went to see a lawyer. He told me that when he first got to tx. he was intent on getting one. He is now not sure. He doesn't want to keep hurting me like he has if we stay together. <P>He also told me he didn't want to get back together for the wrong reasons. I asked him what his were and he replyed "having a family". Is that a wrong answer? I'm not sure anymore. he didn't say it but I guess he is afraid of not feeling any love for me.<P>We left off still needing to finish talking. It's good that we are finally talking and at least i'm not crying throughout everything (only after I get off the phone). I still love him very much, in spite of all he put me through. I wish it were easy to turn off these feelings. My stomach can't take much more....<P>Well, i need some sleep (yeah, right. like i can sleep). <P>Hope all is well with you. Don't stress about school. The year is still fresh.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy

Good to hear from you.<BR>No, a family is not a wrong reason. The only way it would be wrong is if he said it only because he intendes to use you as the egg donor.<P>He needs therapy. You cannot work through your issues unless there is some kind of help.<P>What are your reasons for wanting to stay married? You haven't said anything about seeing a lawyer....<P>Yoiu need to want to be married to him because you love him with all of your heart and soul. You need him to comfort you and be your friend. You need to want his body next to yours as a lover and just for comfort. You need to know that no matter what, he will be there for you. That is why you want to be married to him and he needs to feel the same way.<P>This is what I am still working onhere with my W. I am really getting the mesage deep down that there are some of those reasons that do not apply to her. She is a woman that 'needs' a man in her life...not so much for the loving and stuff but to just 'be' there. I need the physical side of it too. Tell me that is not wrong......I keep getting that I am over sexed or over this or over that....then on top of it all, I am told, 'just be you.' What a joke.<P>Well, I had better get off, need to get back to class.<BR>Stay in touch.<BR>Fred

Hi there Fred,<P>Hope you had a good day.<P>What you said in your last past was touching. And yes, I do love my h very much. I want to be his best friend and his lover. I want to be the one to comfort him and cry on his shoulder when I need to. I want us to have a family together and grow old together. His face is the last i want to see at night and the first in the morning. Even if he snores...I want to be the one to make him laugh so that little crinkle between is eyes shows up....sigh....guess I really do want to make the marriage work <P>He needs therapy, badly. He still won't go. I'll settle for just personal therapy and not marriage counseling. i believe he would benefit tremendously from medication (of course, he'd have to stay on it this time). <P>Right now, he needs to make he decision about what he wants to do with our marriage. I would rather have the depression treated first because he might be less clouded, but I'll have to take what i can.<P>he has many fears, guilt of what he'd done, guilt of might happen again. Feels my family hates him (not true). Afraid something better out there, is convinced he is a bad person. I know there is nothing I can say to take these ideas away. i can only hope and pray that he can see past them and know there is a better life.<P>Oh well, patience my friend....<P>As for you, a question. Have you read Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy? i know your not headed for divorce but there are some great ideas in those books that might be worth looking at. maybe check out that BB as well.<BR> <A HREF="http://66.111.66.234/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi" TARGET=_blank>http://66.111.66.234/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi</A> <P>Not trying to get rid of you of course. Just that there might be something in those books that may help. There is a section in Divorce Remedy about sexual compatibility. As well as an article on the website about varying levels as well. Worth a look.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy<P>P.S. The lawyer was way back at the end of June. Just a consultation to know my rights. Never pursued it.<P>

Thanks for the kind words...<P>BTW, what IS sexual compatibility???? <P>I have not ever been able to find it....I am starting to think that women really DON'T want a man that is thinking of their needs more than his.....<P>I'll read the website. Gotta go, bell just rang to start the day.<P>Fred

Dear Fish,<P>I'm not too sure about the problem. Use the following tool might help you diagnose it:<BR><A HREF="http://www.aiculator.com" TARGET=_blank>aiculator.com</A> <BR>Good Luck!<BR>Cucu

Yo Kathy;<p>Long Time, No Hear!<p>How are you?<p>Fred

Hi Fred,<p>I've been very slack lately, sorry. Hope all is well with you. Things any better w/wife and step-monster?<p>Things here are ok. Still at my parents.<p>H and I had a long talk last week about what we are going to do. We agreed that something has to be decided because this limbo-land sucks. He wants to stay married but is extremely afraid of not being able to handle it. He told me he is not sure he has any idea what it is like to be in love. In his mind he knows that the butterfly-mushy feelings won't always be there and that is normal. But there is something inside him that goes off when he doesn't feel that. He starts doubting himself and works himself up into a emotional wreck. He just doesn't want us to go through all that pain again and that is understandable.<p>However, I believe the risk is worth it. I don't want us to spend the rest of our lives wondering if we ended it only because we were afraid. I know I don't want to live like that. <p>We talked about me moving there (to his city). Not sure if we'd move in together right away or hold off a few months. John wants to know if I feel as if it would be the best thing for me or would it be better for me to move off and start a new life somewhere else. As of now, the decision is mine. He wants me to be there, but made me promise to think about what is really best for me and to act on that.<p>So, I have a couple choices. To move on (which would be out of fear) or to work at my marriage. Hmmm....not much of a decision there, eh? Of course i'll choose my marriage. He knows that too, but wants me to be sure. <p>I've started to write a few times since our talk, but always found myself stopping. I was trying to have a little input as possible so I know this was a decision I made for myself. So we will see what happens for next. There is still a long haul ahead of me. Hope i'm up for it.<p>Write soon,
Kathy

Here's another update:<p>H called me last night. It was a long conversation and it was productive. I can't say that I feel great about it but at least we're being honest.<p>H was talking about how much cheaper it is to buy a trailer w/ lot rent than it is to pay his rent. He saying"we" when referring to living in it. I asked him "what did you say?". Now my H is a mumbler and usually he repeats what he says but this time he knew exactly what i meant. So, it sounds as if it was intentional. I'm glad he's considering me when he thinks of the future. <p>He was telling me how he would have to learn how to love me and he is not sure if he can learn. He did tell me he loved me and listed reasons why but he said he wasn't "in love". He was though when we married he said. He just thinks that when feeling goes it's all over. <p>The worst part is that he told me his friend from back home is visiting over Thansgiving, which happens to be a 40 yr old woman. he's been friends with her for years and she is looking to move somewhere else (hopefully not tx). It was something that was planned during the time we weren't talking. He denies that there is anything more, and that there is no way she can even measure up to me. However, I made it clear that I was worried about it and that I was afriad that it can turn into something more. I don't know what to think. On one hand he told me about it, although it wasn't something he was planning to. On the other hand, I wonder if this woman has an alterior motive. I know that in the past this woman had offered to take him on a golfing trip to Scotland that never came about. John said he wasn't interested in her, but there are a thousand stories here that are similar. I know there is nothing I can do, but just wait it out. However, it is going to be a long few weeks.<p>Well, i've rambled enough. Thanks for listening.
Kathy

Hey there, so good to hear from you. I have read and re-read your posts and you are right. Only you can make the decisions that you have to make. As for the other woman, Let me ask one question....why would your husband mention it if he was planning some ulterior motive type thing? He is trying to be honest with you. I too have female friends that I would call if I was not married or with my wife. I understand the place he is at. He is not wanting a physical relationship necessarily, but a female presence to talk to and have reassure him that he is ok. Don't go reading to much into it or you will sabotage the reunion before it takes place.<p>As for me, we are back in the Southwest. The kids in Montana just ran all over my wife and step monster. We heard that jobs were open in a school we used to teach in and we called, were hired and so we quit and came back.<p>Right now I am in my office on my computer as I have had another fight witht he wife over the step monster. It seems that she can yell and scream and carry on when ever and there are no consequences and if I do it......oh baby, here we go again. I too am at a point where I have to make some decisions. There are a few open units in the teacher apartments and I am thinking about asking for one. The rent is cheap and the utilities are all paid for. It would give me some necessary breathing space. But I degress....<p>If you need to bounce ideas, please ask. I will always be happy to be your mirror.....I already know that what ever decision you make, will be the right one for you, for no matter what happens, you will finally KNOW what is really going on...<p>Fred

Hi Fred,<p>I think I missed something. You moved again? I know you said you weren't happy in Montana but wow, that was a fast move.<p>I'm sorry to hear your thinking of moving out. It makes me sad for you that your wife doesn't realize or appreciate what kind of man you are. It takes a sensitive, caring man to keep coming to a site that is devoted to marriage. She's a fool [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Do what you feel is right, but make sure it's not just easier than to do the hard stuff.<p>You are right when you said to calm down about that other woman. It's easy to become obsessive when things are bad. <p>Well, yesterday I sent a Halloween card to H. It was a picture of our cat (Fred). He's black w/bright yellow eyes and I did a pretty good job on the pic (if I do say so myself). He sent me one back. It was a dart board on all the darts are trying to hit bullseye. One finally does and it says "Miss U very much". His note along with it said he "really does miss me" and "I honestly hope we can be together soon". WOW! What a surprise! That was something my "old" H would do. i'm giddy, but again must remain calm....I sent him one back sending him a big hug and told him i missed him too. We'll see....<p>Hope you are having a good week so far.<p>Take care,
Kathy

Hey there;<p>I must have just missed your post.<p>Yeah, it happened all of a sudden in the middle of October. My W was actually making the students do work and they were complaining to their parents and the parents were calling the school every day. Then when she was reprimanded by the principal, that was it. On a Wednesday that happened and by Saturday we had loaded a Uhaul and we were on our way back. Now, just a week before we had heard that there were two jobs open in the school we used to teach at and it happened that we fit the bill so hey, it must be like kismit or some kind of higher karma....or maybe God just wants us to be back here....<p>Anyway, I am trying my best to understand what is happening. I am not happy, but part of that is walking in and seeing seven years of work down the toilet! Also, I am off part of my meds until the insurance kicks in....And the step monster is just being a pain in the A%$!<p>My W tells me that any decision I make is mine to make....that I have to live my life.....that whatever I do is what I have to do....notice how she never says , I would like you to stay...or you know I love you even though all this is going on....nope, no such luck...all she can tell me is how alike the step monster and I are and how she is just about ready to walk out on the both of us...how reassuring.<p>I did check with the land lord today and there are some one bedroom units still available. I may have to do that....get one and have a safe haven.<p>We also had a meeting at the school yesterday about step child and she will start getting therapy and counseling as soon as they can shove the paperwork through the bureacracy....<p>Now, to you....I am happy for you that things are taking an upward turn. You are right to be calm, but I say catch this wave and ride it until it ends. What is the very worst thing that can happen? Really?? You may end up where you are now. Or you may end up fixing the relationship and living the fairy tale....I sincerely wish for you the latter.<p>He needs to see the need to have counseling....maybe do it together....It really can help.<p>Stay in touch
Fred

Hi there Fred,<p>Just want to check in and see how things are going. Have you made any changes (meaning major moves/decisions) since our last contact? What about your new job sitch, any better than last one?<p>Not much new here. Haven't heard from H since the e-card. I remember him saying these last 2 weeks were going to be rough, tests and all. Anyway, I did find out that he never opened up the card I sent in reply to his missing me card (it said I do too). I know there are a lot of times he doesn't even check his mail let alone delete anything. So it's probably sitting in there layered in junk mail. I'm not worried that he ignored it, i'm more worried that he didn't think i replied to it. I know it's nothing to really be concerned with, it's something that will be cleared up when we talk, but still...<p>That's about all the excitement in my life right now. I hope all is well with you. <p>Take care,
K

I am soooooooo happy to hear from you!<p>Things here are perking right on along. not much has changed. My step daughter is still being picked on in school....it isn't so much that she is the only white kid in a school of 450 navajo students (She is part cherokee). It is that she is too smart....go figure. The other kids have been so dumbed down that it isn't funny. I think we will be putting her in a private christian school before too long.<p>The W is same-o same-o. I am very frustrated these days...what else is new. We did get paid today. Our first check back at the old school. We get paid every two weeks and what we made today, we used to get paid once a month. Hey, if this thing doesn't work out, we can always use a good science teacher.....just a thought.<p>Stay in touch.
Fred

ok, spent hours talking to H on computer tonight. mostly about nothing but we were talking about an outstanding check he has owed to him. joking around i said i'd talk to them and show them who is boss. he said that i should i need to be the boss in other situations too to get things done. when i asked him what situations he said nevermind and wouldn't talk about it anyfurther.<p>could it be he meant us? do you think he is waiting for me to just tell him how it is?<p>I told him i missed him and he said "are you positive" but he never said it back. i didn't expect him too, but he said it last week. this is so frustrating. <p>he is not going out like he used to, and is even going to church now. so there are positive things which is good. I guess i'm just becoming impatient and must remember "little steps"<p>oh well, just venting.<p>g'nite

Hey there;<p>I think yuou are on the right track. I think your H is actually waiting for you to show up on his doorstep and say 'Ta-Da....I'm Here.' <p>At some point you have to stop talking and take a deep breath, count to ten, say a little prayer, make sure you know what you are doing....and just pack the car and show up on his doorstep and say, 'Here I am.'<p>I wish I know what else to tell you. You are at a point where you or he, needs to do SOMETHING and kick this thing in the butt and find out what will happen. You won't know until you do it.<p>Let's review;<p>A -- You pack up and leave and head out and show up on his doorstep and he invites you in and you have what you need to have....a heart to heart, face to face talk and you work everything out and live happily after.
<p>B -- You show up and after your face to face, you BOTH decide that it won't work and you go on with your life and use your education to do what you want to do and when you least expect it, BOOM, you meet mr right and you still live happily after.<p>The only loser in this entire mess is going to be him because he can't see that he is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him.<p>Just my opinion.
Fred

Hi <p>You are right, one of us needs to do something and it will probably have to be me. I think H might be to afraid to say it and perhaps wants to know it was my decision so it may lessen any guilt he has. We are both probably waiting for the other one to do something all out of fear.<p>He wrote me a brief e-mail this morning upon hearing of the plane crash in NY. My brother lives within 10 miles of there and he was checking in to see if he was ok. That meant a lot to me, it was a nice gesture.<p>Anyway, hope all is well. You sound in much better spirits then you did over a week ago. Keep it up. Write soon.
Kathy

I think that you are right. One of you has to poop or get off the pot....(Sorry, another of those quaint western expressions....)<p>Anyhooo....Sit down at the table, put it all down on paper...what it will take to move and get out there. Put down the pros and cons....then take a good long look at it and.....walk away for 24 hours....go to the beach, take a day off....do something different. Then come back and look at it and if it is still there in your heart that you love this man and want to have a life with him....then pack that car and GO.<p>As for things here....not really better. I am still as frustrated as ever. Of course the holidays are not going to be any better. We will be going here there and everywhere and she will not be in the mood for love....just in the mood to shop [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, gotta go, she is probably wondering where I am and if I am going to come home tonite....<p>Take care and if you want to bounce that pro and con list off me....go right ahead.<p>More later
fred

Hey there,<p>Sorry for not getting back, never did the pro-con thing the other day. Didn't really feel like thinking about it.<p>Well, tomorrow is my 1 year anniverary. Pretty sucky way to spend it, eh? Don't know if H will even acknowledge it. I sent him a card with a note in it telling him that I love him and whatever the future holds for us that I will be his friend and want his happiness. Probably won't get there til' Mon though. I sent it late wed. <p>H sent me a forward the other day, first time in a looonnngg time. Little while later he sent a photo of him w/some lab partners. He only sent it to his family and no one else. I'm glad that he thought of me that way.<p>Well, just ranting on right now. Keep thinking of what we were doing this exact time last year. We were in Jamaica probably in the hot tub [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . How long ago that feels but not exactly so. Oh well, nothing I can do about it, it is in the past.<p>Hope all is well,
Kathy

Sorry for not getting back to you until now...computer in the office was down. I hope you made it through the anniversary day. <p>I want you to know that I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. We are off to Phoenix to lounge at the pool and visit with my wifes relatives. <p>Gotta go for now....have to finish cleaning the car that is setting in my shop right now.<p>Take care.<p>Fred