My husband and I are separated and looks like we are heading for divorce. We are in desperate need of marriage counseling but he refuses to go because he is convinced it won't work. He even has free counseling at his school, but that doesn't help either.<P>We've only been married 7 months, and I don't want my marriage to end. I still love him, but he says he isn't in love with me anymore, and can't be sexual with me. He has a long history of depression and I believe that is where our problems come from, but he says he was just unhappy in our marriage, to forget him, and find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. <P>We have to wait for another 6 months before filing, so I want to use this time for counseling with hopes we can get through it.<P>Any ideas on what to do?

Fishlady;<P>Definitely see if you can get him into counseling. My first Marriage ended after about the same length of time and it was not a happy scene.<P>One thing to remember though is that he is calling the shots here. I suffer bi-polar and depression and my W has had to endure a lot of my ups and downs. What does he mean when he says he isn't in love with you any more? can't be sexual? Does he mean that he got married and found out it wasn't what he wanted....or that maybe when he got married it became like a ball and chain around his neck and he couldn't go out with the boys anymore....<P>How does he think you deserve to be treated...I personally think my W should be treated like a queen and placed on a pedastal....unfortunately she doesn't.<P>If he has already determined in his mind that this marriage is over, it is going to be hard, but don't give up yet. When you say he has couneling at school, does this mean you are both in college still????<P>Let's talk about it.<BR>We are all here to help.

Freddyb<P> Thanks for you reply and sorry you had to go through it too.<BR> I'm not sure what he means when he says he doesn't want to be married anymore. He says he doesn't think he can handle it...but can't tell me anymore than that. I never had a problem with him going out with the boys or to the bar. It may be that it wasn't what he wanted, but he has repeatedly told me that ideally he would love to be married and have a family...but he is not sure he can do it??.<BR>The whole intimate thing came up for the first time the other night. He is not sure what that means either. He has told me he thinks I'm attractive in the past, but it may be now that he is not attracted to me. But, he also said that night that he can't be intimate with anyone. He said he doesn't know why he can't have a loving relationship. I truly wish he'd get help, there are so many things in his head that he needs to get out.<P> As for the counseling, he just went back to school, and they have personal and marriage counseling free of charge. I finished school last year after being away for many years.<P> One problems lies in the fact that he is 1500 miles away at school. I moved back to my parents after we split and he moved to school. My career is in marine biology and his school is in the middle of TX. I believe he feels guilty that I wouldn't work in my field, even though I told him i'm ok with that.<BR> <BR> I've considered moving to TX, although not to Austin. San Antonio is about 80 miles from him, and they have a Sea World there. If I did that then at least I can be close enough for us to try. He told me the other night that it would be nice to have me there, but we wouldn't be intimate. I can live with that temporarily if he is willing to go to counseling. In the beginning we didn't have any problems with attraction, and my looks haven't changed any.<P> When I talk to him, there are always new things he states are the problems. He is inconsistent but his message is generally the same. He tells me I should find someone who will treat me like I deserve. Someone who is affectionate and attentive.<P> I think his mind is made up, and I know it is going to be hard but I don't know what else to do. I can go and find a job in my field elsewhere and start over, but then there would be no hope left for my marriage. I don't know what to do...<P> Kathy

First of all and as is stated so often in these forums...<P>YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR HIS CHOICES! hE HAS CHOSEN THIS, NOT YOU!<P>Now with that said, if he is 1,500 miles away, that makes a pretty profound statement. <P>I would try to pin him down on just exactly what he is having a problem with.<P>When did you two seperate? <P>Is there anything in your past relationship that has changed since you got married. ie, How long did you know each other before you got married? what did he do, you do, etc, etc...<P>It sounds like you have your ducks in a row and maybe he is intimidated by that....my W is a VERY confident woman and sometimes I can't handle it...makes me feel like a really am her slave....<P>Also my W is a very independint woman...that is hard to deal with at times...<P>It sounds to me like he has just given up...It would be nice to know WHY though.<P>He keeps mentioning the intimate thing....is he having a problem with his sexuality somewhere in there???<P>Just some more thoughts.<P>Remember though, you are a worthwhile person and right now you need to make sure that your needs are being met.<P>Talk to me<BR>Fred

Fred,<BR> <BR>I know I'm not to blame, but it is hard to keep thinking that way. There are times when I feel like I was the one to do something wrong. But, I have to remind myself that I didn't choose this. He did.<BR> <BR>Anyway, we were both living in IN when he decided to go back to school in TX. We separated a month ago, when we only had a week to go on our lease and before the move. We were going to meet in TX in a couple weeks after I visited my family and arranged to move some stuff out of NC. So instead of meeting up, I stayed in NC and he went on to TX.<BR> <BR> We met each other in 1999, we were living in different states and e-mailed and called each other. He was finishing his masters and was under a lot of stress between that and other stuff. He admitted at that time that he was depressed and that he should see a dr. but didn't.<BR> <BR> Anyway, we stopped talking after about six months, on his part...No reason that he could think of, he just did. About 4 months later, we started talking again. This time was different. He moved to a new state, and things were good. We talked almost every night for hours. We started visiting each other and things were great. We decided to marry a few months later. Probably not the smartest idea, but...we did.<BR>We had a great time when we were together, we get along great, make each other laugh...our wedding was beautiful...in Jamaica. Afterwards things were fine for a month or so. Then he started to slip down into his funk.<BR> <BR>I am definately more together than he is. He can be impulsive and compulsive, and I knew that when I married him. Some of that was part of his charm. I can be very reserved at times and his ability to allow himself to look goofy and be free was attractive to me. It still is. We knew the first year was going to be rough, but neither of us expected this. I'm sure it must be difficult at times to live with a woman who is independent. Most of us were brought up with the ideas that women were to be taken care of by men. I don't care what the feminist movement says (please, no hate mail from anyone, I don't mean to offend) , all little girls are read fairy tales, and that image is what sticks in their heads. However, things aren't like fairy tales and women are now allowed more freedom...(oops, got off track..sorry)<P>As for his sexuality, I don't think he is at odds with his preference. But, I know that instead of letting things happen naturally he can "overthink" things at times and that can result in a problem, if you know what I mean. But, I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time someone was fooled.<P> The fact is, he has given up. I don't know why. Instead of trying he finds it easier to runaway. And he admits that. He also has the uncanny ability to push his emotions so far deep inside that he can go on with life. However, they do catch up with him and he usually suffers more. <P> He is a good person, and the last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt me. I truly believe that. I also believe that he loved me very much, might be he even still does. I can't see how things could change so quickly. <P> But, you are right. My needs have to be met and he is not capable of that right now. I wish he were.<P> Thanks for you input Fred. I appreciate the opportunity to vent and your suggestions.<P> Kathy

Hey Kathy;<P>I understand the part about talking yourself out of things...my W reminds me that I have talked myself out of more intimate time than anyone! I would wonder if the time was right, if she really wanted to, does she really enjoy it, will I enjoy it, how do I enjoy it, yada, yada, yada...<P>I guess I have competition in this department now (supposed to bring small smile)<P>Anyway, have you considered that this may be one of those funks again? Like you said, you guys went for four months that one time.....<P>As for the talking on e-mail....yeah maybe the way you guys got together was not the best way (personally, I never understood it....) ....but that is over now. You ARE married. You would like to stay that way.<P><BR>Have you talked to him in the way of "Honey, I know you are in another of your funks right now. Can we stay in touch and when you perk up again, we can sit down and logically discuss this."<P>I too suffer from those funks or mood swings. In my case, the Doc found Bi-polar and depression. With the proper meds and some real interaction with my W and Counselor, I have made some progress.<P>He really needs to see a doctor and have himself checked. Both physically and mentally. <P>Is there a way yo can fly in and spend two or three days and maybe drag him to the doc?? In my case after a particularly nasty episode of mood swinging, my W gave me an ultimatum, "Check into a Hospital for real help, or check out of the house...." I went tothe hospital because I love my W and want to be married to her.<P>He may resist. Try to tell him that you love him and that you want to try everythig possible before you file those papers. That you refuse to let this marriage fall apart. My W told me that this was it, there was no possibility of Divorce. Remind him that marriage is not something you just step in and out of...<P>I wish I had more to offer. He seems to be making some pretty stupid choices right now, like I said before, you sound like you have all your ducks in a row.<P>Let me know what's up.<P><BR>

Hi Fred,<BR> Oh, you definately have some competition. Not only can he talk himself out of things beforehand, he talks himself out things during, rolls over and says "oh well"!<P> I have considered that this is one of his funks. It is hard for other people to see a pattern with him if they haven't lived with him, but it is definately there. <P> He went to an MD a little over 2 months ago, and was told he had all the symptoms/behaviors of someone who is depressed. The Dr. even told him he thought there may be some slight bipolar indications as well. I'm not sure about that, as I have never had any experience with bipolar depression and have no idea what to expect. He didn't have severe highs and lows that I've read about...I'm not sure if there are degrees of bipolarity. Any ideas?<P> Anyway, the Dr. put him on Paxil, which my husband took for awhile but is now off of them because he says he doesn't need it. I know he won't go back to a dr or even go to a therapist because he doesn't see how any of it can help. He has said that he is beyond help, and there is nothing any therapist can say or do to help him. <P> As for now, he is going to be so involved in school and his lab work that he can easily put me and our marriage out of his mind. I have told him I am committed to our marriage and will try everything, including moving to TX to try to make it work. It didn't faze him.<P> He has to wait six months before filing for divorce according TX law. The school provides free legal services as long as it is uncontested. I can contest it and tell him he needs to seek counseling and exhaust all efforts to save this before I could consider going through with it. I'm just afraid that he will then go to counseling on spite and go in stating it won't work and not even try.<P> But then it comes down to this again...I would have to move to him in order for us to make counseling work. That is a huge risk and I need to know if I am strong enough to handle that.<P> How is stuff with your marriage? When your wife told you divorce is not an option, where you at the point where you believed your marriage was over?<P> Thanks, Fred. Talk to you soon.<BR> Kathy

Kathy;<BR>Yeah, I know about talking myself out of it during the act...not very sexy..<P>As for the degrees of bi-polar...yes there are. I used to have pretty severe swings. I had a former relationship where she would be just as nice as nice can be and then just fall off the deep end, get into drugs/alcohol, the works...made for a very interesting relationship that I had to finally let go of.<P>I tried the paxil...didn't work for me either. My doctor right now has me on Wellbutrin along with Depakote. My W has noticed that it has evened the ups and downs out some. I still have my funks...last week was one...I talked myself out of making love to her about three times....<P>I am in a frustration one today...trying to do some work on her car and don't have the right parts....she is shopping at K-Mart yet tells me that we don't have the funds for me to go get what I need.....hmmmmmmm<P>As for moving...that is entirely up to you. You mentioned Sea World at San Antonio....I was just there in March...It is a nice city. Can be hot and humid in the summer though.<BR>If you ahve a job there, I am not understanding the problem. You said he would be, what 80 miles or so away....<BR>Again, you need to look at all sides of this and if he is hell bound and determined to kill the marriage, you are not going to be able to do alot to stop him.<P>Are there aother options for you to do for work?<P>As for my marriage, She tells me that the times that she gets the most frustrated are when I get upset for, what she says, is no reason. She also hates to hear me apologize for my preceived wrongs that I have done to her. The times she has told me to leave, she has meant for me to leave the house...she has also, in moments of frustration, said that maybe we should live in different locations and still be married...for me that is not an option as I think married people should live together. Yes, there have been times I was ready to toss in the towel...those times when I feel that she is being selfish and not listening to reason. But on the whole I know in my heart I have someone who loves me and wants to make this work...<P>Now, I have debated this next thing, and don't take it personally, but if you want to take this conversation off this forum and do it as they say 'the back way', let me know and I will give you my e-mail address....You can say no too.....<P>Stay in touch.<P>Oh, I know what I wanted to ask....How are you feeling emotionally about all this? Like I said, It sounds like you are in control of everything. What do you consider to be your options right now this moment? Where would you like to go?<P>Fred

Saw your post upstairs in Other Topics....I won't bother you anymore.<P>Fred<P>Best wishes for everything good to happen.

Fred,<P> I'm not following your last post. Did I say something wrong? The other topic post was written maybe two weeks ago.<BR>My husband is not an alcoholic, when he is depressed he has the tendency to go out 1x or 2x a week and drink. He was never physically abusive, nor was he emotianallly abusive. Throughout this all, he has continued to assure me that I am a good person and have a lot to offer. Not once has he put me down or insulted me. Believe me, I've had someone do that to me a long time ago, and this is nothing like that.<BR> So, I don't know why you don't want to talk anymore. I'm sorry if I offended you. Write again if you feel like it or to tell me what happened.<BR> Nice talking to you.<BR> Kathy

I just thought that you did not feel you were getting anything out of our discussion and wanted some other advice. This sometimes happens to me and I am pretty good about getting out of the way for a while..it was nothing personal and I was not offended.<P>Like I said, and if it is not clear, let me restate it for the record;<P>Your husband is blind if he wants to leave you. You seem to be a really nice lady who has her stuff together. Again, you need to fillyour own needs.<P>I will be happy to talk to you any time you need it. Just ask. <P>Fred

Oh yeah;<P>My W says I am sometimes too sensitive.<P>And<P>You never have to say you are sorry. I am the one that didn't bother to read the dates and ask first. duh<BR>fb

Your post about "other topics" appeared before your other one re: the degrees of bipolar. Strange, eh?<P>Anyway, there are other options for me to work. But it would mean to move to another state entirely which then my marriage would probably be truly over. <P>You asked how I am feeling emotionally. Well I have my ok days and my not-so-ok days. Sometimes it even goes by hours. This all seems so surreal to me, its almost like we were never married to begin with. At times, I miss him so much (like now) that it aches. Other times, I feel as if I'm an idiot for wanting to save my marriage when he has stated what he wants. Like I said before, he has been incosisent with his feelings and I don't know what to believe anymore. <P>Now, this is going to sound weird but I find that I am continuously haunted by things that remind me of him. Not things like a certain song or stuff like that, but whenever I'm driving around town, I see license plates from TX and IN. Or, I constantly see references to TX or the name Austin all over t.v. Things like that. I'm not particularly superstitous, but I find this strange.<P>Anyway, right now, my options as I see it are to find a job and move to a new city/state, move on with my life and give him what he wants...a divorce. I could also leave the way things are now and stay at my parents (yikes!) and let him call all the shots the way he has been doing it. Or, I can move to TX. That way I would have a job (even if it is only a foot in the door...but I have wanted to work there for years) and we could see what happens by being close to each other. There are downsides to each of these and I need to decide which one I should do.<P>That is all I can think of right now, but if you can see any other options I'm all ears. <P>When I went back to school a few years ago (before I met H), my goal was to get my degree and move to Orlando, and get my foot in the door at Sea World there. I hesitate to move to Orlando right now b/c my close friend is going through a horrible divorce/custody battle there. There's a long story as to why moving there would not be in my best interest right now. If I moved to S.Ant. then I could do what I planned when I went back to school, just in a different place.<P>I don't know. Sometimes I sound so weak, at other times its strong. This is not a fun place to be.<P>Take care, Fred.<BR>Kathy<P>

I'm glad we're talking again....<P>Now, this is going to sound rather harsh, but bear with me...<P>I say, that if you have always dreamed of working at Sea World in San Antonio...then you pack the car and GO GIRL!<BR>You do have to have a career regardless of if you stay married to him or not. By the by, what is he getting his PhD in??<P>Also, I have been married three times, as you willnote from previous posts, twice was to the same woman. Each time it was over (Only twice as I am married presently) I thought that I was some kind of miserable dirt. What ended up happening was that just about the time I really felt like throwing in the towel...some new relationship fell out of the sky on me. Yeah, some were good and some were bad..but it put distance between me and the 'OLD' relationship that hurt.<P>My W likes to say she picked me and that is basically the case. I didn't know she was interested until she kissed me the first time...there are times I wished we had gone slower, but I think I will muddle through...<P>San Antonio is a huge place and you can let him know that you are on your way to Sea World to work and that you will contact him when you get there...then when you get there, you call or send him a note....If he is still wanting this divorce thing, then you still have your career and about 500,000 guys to choose from (SA has a pop of about a million).<P>I also think you need to put your foot down and tell him that you both made a vow, a sacred promise and he is breaking it....he should at least be man enough to TRY to work it out...at least try to find out what is driving him to do this.<P>One more thing...if he really wants out, he is the one that will be missing out onthe best thing to ever happen to him...not you because you already know you are! <P>The cycles of pain and numb are normal...don't let them get you down.<P>You take care too<BR>Fred

Fred,<BR> <BR> I'm glad we're talking again too. Thank you for your very kind words. I have a feeling that deep down, my H also knows that he is losing out on the best thing. <P> I'm think I'm leaning towards S.A. I don't think I will ever be "comfortable" with the decision I make, but I need to make one. <P> And, your right. He did make a committment and I should put my foot down. I'm just not sure if it would do any good. He is very stubborn, especially when he has convinced himself of something.<P> As for his PhD, he is getting it in Molecular Biology. Not a dumb man, in the scholastic sense. He is looking at another 4-5 years in Austin, then 2-3 of post-doc. In the long run it will payoff. He'll be under a great deal of pressure which is another reason I think he should see someone. Oh well, that's another story.<P> I didn't follow on your last post...the W you're married to now, you had married her before? or was it your first 2x?<P> Talk to you soon...<BR> Kathy

The first woman I married some, OMG has it been that long, 13 years ago. I married her 2x. Long story. The one I am married to now is a totally different woman.<P>Now, I want you to go back through your posts.<P>You are in Marine Biology, He is in Molecular....I am going to be stupid here for a minute...but just where are these two going to meet at some point where you can settle down, have chilren and be a family????<P>It appears to me that you have different dreams here...<P>Oh, don't be afraid to put your foot down. He needs to know that you are confident in yourself and even though you still care, your needs will come first.<P>Have you looked at the Plan A and Plan B sites? Plan A is basically a way of trying to work out differences in a civil way. Plan be is the big D and we don't mean Dallas <P>So, am I to understand that you have a for sure job in SA?<P>You really do need to make a decision....just rest on it and make sure it is the right one for you in your heart.<P>Til later<BR>fred

Hi Fred,<BR> <BR> When I met my H, he was working in a lab and could have moved to wherever I got a job. He had talked about going back to school for his PhD, so it would afford us a better way of life. I agreed with him, and thought is was a good thing for him to do. In the meant time, while he was in school, I was going to start teaching and from there we would work on our family. We knew it would be tough, but it's what we agreed on.<P> As for me having a job in SA, no...I do not. Before I went back to school a few years ago, my plan was to graduate and take whatever kind of job they had to get my foot in the door....except cleaning bathrooms <P> I would probably work two job, until I could get in there fulltime, but that's ok.<P> Anyway, I've looked into plan A/B. I'm not sure how to use Plan A, while being so far apart. The only contact we have is by phone and that is tough to do.<P> I know I need to make a decision. I'm afraid though that with all of these "red flags" he's thrown up...that I'm being a fool and setting myself up for greater hurt. Is it even worth it? I really do love him but he has truly hurt me.<P> I'll talk to you soon.<BR> Kathy

Hi Kathy<P>First of all, in the words of the great poet...don't know who said it but somebody did ... There is no risk that is not worth taking! ....<P>You will not know unless you try. As to the plan A...yes, it is hard to try being so far apart. <P>Are you in touch with him regularly? I still havn't heard you tell me why he thinks he has to do this....you say he is inconsistant....is there anyway you can pin him down...<P>Maybe say something to the effect of; Oh, tell him to be quite until you have finished...<P>"You know honey, I married you because I love you and want to make a future with you....now you have been telling me to let you go and find someone else....and you haven't even given me a reason why....You are supposed to be in love with me too and you made a promise to stay with me as my husband until we die....now you want to break it. Fine, I will consider it, but you absolutely have to give me one damn good reason why you feel you have to do this. Not some feeling, or some vague notion that you can't handle it. I know you can handle it or I wouldn't have married you in the first place....so listen buster, you give me a good reason and we will talk....if you don't have a good reason then you need to know that I love you, I will not be a party to this and if you insist on doing it, it will be without my cooperation!"<P>Now that is what I would say.<P>As for your job..doesn't Sea World have a web site you can go to and inquire about job openings? I would think that with the world's focus on the environment and particularly the crisis with the fish populations throughout the world not to mention the die off of coral and the other marine disasters going on...that there shouldn't be some kind of opening for you. Hey, go start looking, get that resume fired up and get started with the rest of your life...don't let dufus ruin it because he can't see past his own bellybutton... <P>Stay in touch too<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<BR> I'm all for risk taking but this is the biggest one I've ever had to take, and it is a bit scary.<P> My H and I have talked once on the phone since we've separated and sent an e-mail to each other. The phone call was ok, we discussed us, and there wasn't any arguing. We talked for 1 1/2 hours and agreed we'd talk again.<P> I haven't given you a reason for all this because I don't really have one. All he has told me was vague things like "not in love anymore"..."can't be married"..."it's for the best". I don't know if it is depression that is clouding up his mind and has let it take over his rationalization and judgement. But in his mind, I bet, these are very clear reasons and should be good enough. What I mean by inconsistent is that he flip-flopped about what he wanted. Me to go, me to stay, loves me, loves me not, attracted to me, or not...<P> I like what you said about confronting him. I've told him something similar by saying that I'm committed to him and our marriage and will do what it takes to make it work.<BR>Unfortunately, he doesn't need my cooperation to do this. He can file for divorce on his own and go from there. <P> I have gone to the website, and found the job openings. Nothing in what I want to do, but that is ok. I did apply to an entry level job. I've also sent them my resume in case they have something available they don't post. Now, I'm am waiting to hear. However, I wonder if they don't bother to respond to online applications. I haven't even recieved e-mail notification. I should call them and ask whats the best way to do this.<P>I posted on the EN board today, I had heard on TV the nick-name my husband used to call me, and it just cut me. I needed to vent, and it helped. A little. I'm going off to the beach now, I will talk to you soon.<P>Take care, <BR>Kathy

I did go to the beach tonight. I took a walk and it was a very nice night. <P>I have lived in NC for 4 years, on the coast, and I have searched the beaches for sharks teeth. Not once did I find any until tonight. And I found a whole bunch! I know it's not much, but it made my night. I'm going to go back this weekend.<P>Anyway, I called Sea World, they told me the best thing to do was to come in and fill out an application. Not that easy, eh? I guess if I go, it would be under the assumption that I would take any job for the time being. <P>Well, just thought I'd write about something light instead of my dufus husband.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy

Hi Kathy...<BR>I had sent a reply to you that seems to have gotten lost...but you are doing exactly what I suggested anyway. I hope that this weekend that you are out having a good time, taking care of your needs.<P>I did ask though that certainly besides Sea World, there are other places in need of your services in light of the ever worsening problems in the sea with the coral die off, fish populations dropping and a host of other marine disasters looming.....<P>Yeah, you are problably right, your husband is in a fog and thinks he is right. I understand about how he can do what he wants....if you don't show then he wins, by default....you can always throw a monkey wrench into the works by showing up at the proceedings and saying 'judge, he wants this, I don't.' and seeing what happens.<P>I am afraid though that the more I listen to this, that you may be better off cutting the poor man adrift and moving on with your life...I have had to do that before. At some point you have to decide, do I try to keep this person from drowning in their own bad mistakes or do I save myself because they are bringing me down....<P><BR>Sorry if I sound down...hasn't beena good weekend here at all....<P>Anyway...tell me one thing...just how do sharks teeth wind up on the beach...I would think that they are heavy enough to sink???<P>Have a great weekend.<BR>Fred

Fred,<P> I'm so sorry you're feeling down, I know it's not the best way to spend a weekend. Especially since it makes it seem so long.<P> In answer to your question, there are other places I can find jobs. I have been looking and have sent a few resumes out. There are a few more that I am going to apply for...but it will probably take a long time to find anything.<P> Question...You suggested that I may need to let my H go. How do you do that and deal with the fact that you are still very much in love with that person?<P> I was re-reading basic concepts yesterday and was going over the EN's. I realized that one of my husbands EN's was for recreation. He is a very social person and thrives in social settings. When we first started having our problems he told me that he didn't feel the spark anymore. He said it was sometimes there, especially when we were out having fun and being ourselves. Whenever we did that, he was very loving and affectionate, even up to the last week we were together. Througout the past few months, my husband went out a few times a week because he couldn't stand sitting around the apartment. He usually went to bars to play darts and hang with friends. He always asked me to go, but I said no because I wasn't really into it. He asked me several times to play in dart tournaments with him, I said no. I was afraid of playing badly. Anyway, my point is that I was able to realize one of the things that my husband was lacking from the marriage. I'm not saying that this is the only thing wrong, but that according to Dr. Harley, our EN's weren't being met, and therefore we wouldn't have that "in love" feeling.<P> This hit me pretty hard as I knew how important it was to my husband to go out and do things. But I just didn't do it. Yes, my H didn't do a lot of things either. It's sad that it is now too late.<P> As for shark's teeth, they weight about the same as shells and the small pebbles. Once they get caught up in the current, they are swept ashore. I'm going to head back there at some point today. <P> Take care, Fred. And I hope the rest of your weekend is better. Feel free to talk to me if you want.<BR> Kathy

Hi Kathy;<P>Thanks for taking time out of your Sunday to reply.<P>Let's deal with the letting go thing first... I have been 'in love' about four times in my life. I mean really in love, let me be with you the rest of my life kind of love. My first ex-fiance left me for another woman....real ego buster and then I married the same woman twice and I think if I recall correctly there was one other woman in there that I really should have married and I ended up messing it up badly. Anyway, the point is that deep down, I still care for and love these people very much. At least once or twice a week, their memory will pop up and I will spend a pleasant moment remembering some nice thing that happened.<P>I have never really let them go, they have just been put in a different part of my brain and memory. My first ex-fiance, the one that left me for the other woman....she kept me on a short chain for 4 and a half years before she had enough of me and moved on...I even moved her over a thousand miles to be with me and she was, for 90 days before she moved out. She also sent me in to bankruptcy....and even after all that... I still don't hate her to be quite honest.....<P>My current W wants me to hate my ex.....I can't. I mean we made four kids together and yes, I will probably not see them again, but I still care for her.... funny huh.<P>It is very hard to do this, but like many things that we do even if we don't like them, we just have to put it behind us and move on. Oh, I am not saying that you have to let him go....I was merely saying, (I think) that you need to be prepared for that to happen if he will not recover from this severe case of cranial/rectal inversion he is going through.... <P>As for him being a social animal... I wish I could relate to that...personally, I am more like you, I like to stay home...to me, going to a bar and spending money is a waste... occassionally, my W and I will go out and bowl or shoot pool or something. Our biggest pastime is to take walks in the forest near where we live.<P>My Wife at first had to practically drag me kicking and screaming to get me out...now I go pretty easily...<P>As for this weekend...I have been talking myself out of things again. Last nite I was up for four hours from midnite to four in the morning. She had left the tv on and I had drifted off around 10, then when she turned it off at midnite, I was in the mood and she wasn't.... Then this morning, she asked if I needed anything...we had to get ready for church and I hate rushing....so I did it again.<P>I really wonder why making love is so hard?! My problem is that she is past that stage in life and her sex drive is way down, while mine is still way up....Also, I like 'making love' to her, the fondling, touching, caressing and all that. For her, she is open to 'quickies' unless her homrmones are peaked on what is left of her cycle....<P>I also have some things to accomplish yet today and I need to get started so I don't think anything will happen when I get home...(I am at the office now).... I just wished this married thing came easier to me. For her, everything is hunky dory....she just lives her life and I overthink mine...sorry, didn't mean to get too carried away.<P>Thanks for telling me about the shark's teeth...I didn't know that....what kind of shark did they come from? Also, can you theoretically find teeth on any beach?<P>Hope you had a good weekend<BR>Fred<p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited July 01, 2001).]

Fred,<P> I have thought I was in love a few times, you know, when your young sometimes things pass for love. Anyway, I was with someone for 4 years, he was 10 years older and acted as if he were 10 years younger! When we finally broke up, I was devastated. However, it was one of the best things in my life. He was a dreamer, but never acted on them. Whenever I had a question about what to do with my life, I would ask what I thought he would do, then did the opposite.<BR>It works. I did that when I made the decision to go back to school. I looked at my job, which was pretty decent, and asked if I want to be stuck in this for the rest of my life like my ex. So, I packed up my life and moved 600miles to go to school. It was a great choice, not one regret. It's amazing, that he influenced me like that and has no idea. <P> I know I need to prepare myself for what is likely to come. It's hard to do that and have hope at the same time. I went to the divorce busting site today. Perhaps I'll go to the bookstore and look at it.<P> One of the things that attracts me to my H is that he is so social. He is very funny and quick witted, and people are drawn to him. And he doesn't have a problem with looking goofy. I'm like you, I over-analyze everything. As if you couldn't tell by my postings. But, I can be too concerned with what other people think. Perfect example...I just came back from the beach again. While I was looking for the teeth, I was worried about what people thought of me as I squatted on the sand looking through a pile of shells. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so overly concerned that it would prevent me from doing it, just enough that I'm aware of it. Kind of annoying. <P> Can't help you on the sex thing. I'm the one that has a higher sex drive than my H, so he rarely (if ever) had to ask. <P> As for the marriage thing, can't help you there either. I wish I could. All I know is that being alone is no picnic either. There really should be a class given to high school students about how to survive relationships. They teach sex ed. but send their students into the world without any guidance or sense about what to do with their most important relationships. No wonder why there are so many of us on this board. <P> In answer to your question, I would presume you could find shark's teeth on any beach. I guess it would depend on the currents. They're hard to find, so if you go looking, remember that they are black, not white (fossilized). I don't remember the beaches in NY having too many shells and such. So I'm not totally positive.<P> Hang in there, Fred. We're all here for you.<BR> Kathy<BR>

Hey there! Thanks for the reply....<P>I wish I had your guts to just go off and do things like that...believe it or not, you are not as timid as you may think...and the part about what people think...I usually don't have a problem...it is my W I worry about. I really think that I times I am imposing on her....taking up her space....she is 8 years older than I. In her mid 40's now...and she is now working to the part of life where she just wants to enjoy living....sex and making love are about number 15 on her list of things she likes to do....me, number 4 or 5....so I HAVE to ask.... <P>As for the class for kids on marriage...on of my W's kids, the oldest (24) said that people should get a license for 4 or 5 years and when it is up, get it renewed or let it expire....interesting thought....<P>I have said this before....I wish we could get all the people on this board who have low sex drives together and get those with higher ones together...It has just been my luck throughout my life that I am always attracted to women who end up telling me that they just don't like it as much as I do.....maybe one day I will get it right....<P>As for the teeth...black eh? I guess they don't brush after each meal do they.... <P>Thanks for the encouragement....I know it is there. I am also trying to get used to the new meds the doc put me on last Thursday....more Depakote and Propanadol...a beta blocker he thinks may help....<P>Well, got to get back to my project...I am working to correct a project that I did for my W last week....I thought I did it just the way she wanted....it wasn't so now I have to take all my work apart and put thinkgs back the way they were...hmmmmmm I wish she would make up her mind sometimes... <P>Thanks Kathy<BR>Fred

Good morning, Fred.<P> Hope you are getting your project done. Too bad it's for the second time. <P> I think your W's kid is on to something. They give you extensive tests on learning to drive, make you have a waiting period to buy a gun, but let you go free-handed into marriage. Sometimes, when I look at some kids/parents in the mall I think there ought to be a license for having kids too. Who knows, it may cut down on the problem of child-abuse and overpopulation! Just a thought...lol<P> I hope those new meds of yours are working, with very few side effects.<BR> <BR> I went to the beach last night, but it was too windy. The sand was wipping on my legs and it was annoying. But I did find some teeth, not many though. I'll try again soon. So, have a good day, and i'll talk to you soon. <BR> <BR> Kathy<BR>

Hey there;<P>Just got into the office...I will finish up here in a few minutes..then I have some more work to do. This will be my last day in this job...stillhave a desk and storeroom to clean out....my W's position was cut the last day of the school year so we will be moving....we have the computer at home, so I will not be out of touch.<P>The meds are kicking in nicely I think...I feel kind of blah at the moment....just don't want to do anything....<P>I always thought it was stupid that you had to get a license for all sorts of stuff, yet could run out and get married....and about the kids thing...I will be mean and take it one step farther...if you look, somof these people should not be allowed to breed.....I teach agriculture and we call it selective breeding.....I now, I know....BAD BOY! Slap hand! <P>Sorry to hear about the wind. I know about wind and sand...being a desert dweller and all...<P>Well, I guess I had better get on with it.<P>More later<BR>Fred

Fred,<P>I must admit I agree with you about not allowing some people to breed. It sounds horrible but I'm sure many would agree. Oh well, guess we just have to live with it.<P>I've had a lot of the blah feelings over the past few months. I just can't seemed to get myself motivated sometimes. I'm having lunch with a friend from school. He always makes me feel good and I haven't seen him in a long time. He calls us kindred spirits, which is kinda nice. He's been married for 26 years so maybe he can give me some encouragement.<P>Even though it's hard to start, just get yourself doing what you need to do, and it will be over before you know it.<BR>Good luck.<BR> <BR>Talk to you soon.<BR>Kathy

have fun at lunch and don't be afraid to ask any of the hard questions that you need to have answered....<P>Still early morning here...we have barely all sat down to breakfast. <P>see you later

Hi, <BR> Lunch was nice, although it was quick. My friend was naturally inquisitive about what had happened. It had been so long since I've seen him that the last time, I wasn't even with my H! He supports the move to TX. He thinks if I love my H then I should fight for my marriage. <P> Afterwards, I went to the bookstore and bought "divorce busters". I have read about it and visited the site, so I'll see if it's any good. I think the ideas are similar to MB's, especially Plan A.<P> I'm still dog-sitting, and had to take my sister's dog to the vet today. She has been having trouble breathing and the Dr. told me she has a severe case of congestive heart failure. The prognosis is not good, but gave her some meds to see if it would work. Everytime I pet-sit, someone gets sick! I'm not sure I'm going to agree to it anymore. Anyway, I hope she is ok. Especially until my sister gets home on Fri.<P> Well, hope you got your project done. Talk to you soon.<BR> Kathy

One project done, one more to do before I can go home today...<P>Have a great evening!<BR>FB

I called my H tonight. I can barely type this because of the tears. The phone call wasn't bad. It was very cordial. I was trying not to LB, I was acting like a friend and thought I sounded upbeat. I didn't bring up the subject of us. However I did ask him if he wanted some pics of our cats that I had developed and mentioned that I had developed the lost role of our honeymoon pics. He just sort of mumbled somthing about that and I let it trail off.<P>I can't tell if he sounds like he is happy or not. He talked about the city being a lot of fun, but said he doesn't have much money to do anything that often. He said he has a couple of friends and hangs out in the pool or plays volleyball. He did say that it is sometimes like it was in IN, how he sits around and plays computer games.<P>Part of me was being positive and talking about him going out and doing things and how good it could be. But, and I know this sounds cruel, the other part of me was glad to hear him say he sits around sometimes like he did when we were together. Perhaps it will show him that it wasn't the marriage that was so bad. Just the habits. I want to know if he misses me as much as I miss him. But I guess if he did...he'd tell me.<P>I bought the divorce busting book today. There was a concept addressed that stuck out at me. It made me see how something I did could have been perceived by my H. Not too long before this stuff started, we were making the decision to go back to schoo. Well, my H was making the decision. I think we both went on this power trip and I was looking for him to come to me and we made the decision together. I think he was waiting for me to tell him that I would support him and go with him. There was never a question in my mind that I wouldn't go. But, I made the mistake of letting him believe he might lose me if he made the decision to go. It wouldn't surprise me that he would feel hurt and rejected. And even start doubting my committment. The more time I'm going through this, and the more stuff I read, the more I realize that it was both of us that did this. He is not entirely to blame. It's amazing how peoples ego's can get in the way of love and chip away at is foundations. If only I could go back and show him how happy I was for him that he got into school and that I never stopped supporting him or loving him. I don't think it would matter to him now.<P>I keep crying, and I'm not exactly sure why. We are communicating, if even on a basic level. We aren't fighting nor do we hate each other. That should be something, right? <P>I miss him so much and just want to be with him right now. Other than being cordial/friendly on the phone, there is nothing I can do right now. <P>I''m sory for venting, even though there wasn't much to vent about. Perhaps, i'm upset because i'm so worried over my sister's dog. I don't know.<P>TTFN<BR>Kath

my sisters dog died tonight. i tried rushing her to the e.r. vet but she died on the way. i feel so guilty that i didn't do anythng sooner. why didn't i notice her cough over the weekdend and bring her in tehn? maybe she could have beebn treated with the meds sooner and she wouldn't have suffered as much.<P>i dont even know if i should tell my sister or wait til she gets home.<P>sorry for dumping...i'm by myself and am so miserable...

Hey there Kathy;<P>I am sorry to hear about your sister's dog. You should call her and let her know what the vet had said and that you had done every thing that you could possibly have done. Do not kick yourself over it. We personally have cats at our house andtwo weeks ago one of them was shot through the eye with a BB. The kids, especially the one that begged for the cat, don't seem to care...I was the one that ended up taking care of her. And I don't even like cats that much. <P>As for you H. I know you are hurting. I know you want to be with him in all those ways and I know that you are crying a lot.<P>I want you to go back though and re-ready what you wrote me last nite (Sorry I didn't get back sooner...). I want you to pay particular attention to the facts that he doesn't seem to be as broken up over this whole thing as you are. You are right, if he really missed you, he would tell you. <P>Yo are also partly right in that it is both of you to blame....yes and no...it takes two people to get into this mess, but he is the one that chose to leave...that wasnot on your adgenda. <P>He obviously didn't want the pictures or he would have said something. I mean, my goodness Kathy, this is going to sound cruel...he doesn't even sound like he misses sleeping with you or holding your hand or anything....<P>I am in the process of doing it again with my W...I think I have talked myself out of stuff about 15 times in the last few days.....I really want to be with her and just about the time I think everything is going ok to that direction....wham! I kill the mood for me all the time....but that doesn't mean that I am going to leave...although she is timred of hearing me ask if I have done anything wrong for the 40,543 time....where does confidence come from in people...I have it with my kids in class, family members, but when I look into those startling green eyes of my W, I turn to mush...<P>Sorry, I am venting now. I wish I could give you a hug, I know you could use one. So here is one like they do on these forums {{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}<P>Let me know how you are doing. I am going to be in and out today as I have mucho errands to run. You are not alone, I am thinking of you and hoping that you are doing ok today.<P>Take care and try to relax. It really will get better.<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P> This has been a bad day. Besides feeling awful about my sis's dog, I feel awful about my marriage.<P> I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my husband wouldn't say he missed my. After all, he is the one that said this is the best for me. <P> I e-mailed him late last night, I wanted to tell him about the dog. I think I was looking to see if he still cared about me. Anyway, he wrote back, again nothing too personal. But he did close with a reference to a memory we shared. 3 days before we separated we were in the pet store and found a little pug. We both fell in love with him immediately. But we agreed we should wait until we were in TX to get a dog. Anyway, he said that whenever he was feeling badly, he thought of that dog, and mentioned that he still wants a pug, badly. I know it isn't anything. But, I guess my heart wanted to hear that he thought about me and the good memories we share. <P>Oh, when I wrote about the pics, he said he didn't want the pics of our cats just yet. He was afraid he'd lose them or ruin them since he is still living out of boxes and will move soon. He mentioned then that I could send them.<P>I'm just grasping at straws here. I know. But I just don't want to give up. Sometimes I think that if I did move there, then we would be able to build on what we have now. We would be able to live some of our dreams we had, and perhaps build new ones. The DB book gives me hope when there probably shouldn't be any. But they talk about marriages that were in worse off places succeeding, and I can't help but wonder...<P>I don't know, I'm sorry for always being such a drudge and dwelling on false hopes...<P>K

Don't be sorry, your ot a drudge...what is that anyway....<P>You stillhave choices to be made only by you. I know that deep down inside you want ot move to TX and see what happens. As I said before...go for it. San Antonio is a huge city and you can build your own life down there and still be close to him. What may end up happenig is that the two of you basically start over with your life together.<P>You need to quit wringing you hands and just do it. Make your arrangments, pack your bags, load up the little car (or is it an SUV) and off you go.<P>We had some excitement around the house here today...I am installing a ceiling fan in the bedroom and I look out the window...(Oh, background...it had been a REALLY STRESSFULL afternoon...) anyway, I look out the window and here is this fairly large brown bear waling outside the window...pretty cool...we called game and fish and they said that they had been trying to catch this particular one for six weeks...<P>You love your husband. Deep down, he loves you. You will not know what will happen unless one of you makes a move and gets on with life. Right now it is limbo...go do something about it.<P>I am off to bed now...see you tomorrow.<P>Take care Kat.<BR>Fred<p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited July 03, 2001).]

Happy 4th of July!!!<P>I'm not sure why I used the word drudge...I have to look it up to see what it even means.<P>Yesterday was a bad day. I was so distraught over my sister's dog, and was sad after talking to my husband.<P>I know what I need to do. And you are right, it could be a chance to start over for both of us together or a chance at a whole new life. <P>So, you had a bear in your backyard? Where do you live?<BR>My parents live on a golf course and there has been sitings of black bears coming out of the infringing woods. My sister works on a military base as a teacher, and there have been times when the students can't go out on recess because of a bear walking across the field.<P>All the wildlife that i've seen outside my window was a few deer, red foxes, and some toads...I love the toads. Never had them growing up, so I love playing with them.<P>Hope you have a fun day today. I'm spending it with my father, it's his birthday. I'll probably be home before it is even dark.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy

Happy 4th right back at you!<P>What a coincidence..taday is my W's mom's B-Day too....we went up and barbecued ribs and kicked it back a while. I live in the White Mountians of AZ...about 175 miles from Phoenix....when it is 110 down there, it is usually about 85 here...we called game and fish and they are still looking for this fellow.<P>I hope you had a good day. I need to get off to bed now...we just got back from the fireworks...been a long day.<P>More later;<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<BR> Glad to hear you had a good, albeit tiring 4th! My father and I went to lunch and then took a quick drive to the beach. My dad is not much of a talker, so sometimes it can be weird.<BR> Told my sister yesterday about her dog. She and my mother were in Assisi when it happened. It just so happens to be the home of St. Francis patron saint of animals. That p*ssed my sister off. I felt so bad, I didn't want to tell them but couldn't hide it in my voice. They were supposed to leave Italy on Fri. but had to leave today instead. Something about the airport closing and not being able to their original flight or get on any later flights...Over all, they seemed to have a miserable time. Too many bad things happened.<BR> They had invited me to go on the trip, and I'm so glad I didn't. Originally my H and I would have just moved and it would be a strain financially and on our relationship. But after we separated, my sister looked into it (I had no desire to do anything) but it was booked. I'm glad because I really could not have afforded it.<BR> Not much else going on...I filled out a job application today for a job here in NC. There are a few others i've seen, but I'm hesitant because I feel as if I need to work on my marriage. Not sure if that is a good idea or not. <BR> Well, hope there aren't any more bear sitings. Have a good night,<BR> Kathy

Your sister will forgive you in time....As for dad being quiet...mine is the same way...his family was one of those where feelings were kept inside and not expressed.<P>As for you looking for a job....it is going to be awfully hard for you to work on a marriage if you have no money.....<P>remember, you have to get you act together in order for everything to work out.<P>Well, got to go, I am trying to patch the bird holes in the house so I can paint it....someone painted this house a very light shade of blue up here in the forest....we are going to restore it to a more earth friendly tone...<P>Stay in touch<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P> I just got off the phone with someone who wanted to set up a phone-interview with me re: a job. I sent my resume to them about a position they had advertised just to see what would happen. The problem lies in that the job is in Alaska!<BR>I know all I have is an interview, and I really don't know if I'm all that qualified for the position...it's working with birds, and I don't have much experience with them except for a bit of work with penguins...anyway it is such a long shot, but I'm a little frightened. Not about the interview, but what happens if I get offered the job? Do I really want to live in Alaska? What about my H? My marriage? I wasn't crazy about spending the winter in Indiana what would Alaska be like? AUGGHH, i'm gonna make myself crazy. There is nothing I can do, but I wish things were easier.<P> Anyway, good luck on the bird house. I'm painting the woodwork in my sister's bedroom. Gives me something to do, and I love to paint. At one point I thought about opening up a house painting company...except that I hate ladders! <P> Hope you had a good day.<BR> kathy

So, what do they want you to do exactly in Alaska? What kind of birds? <P>I can tell you that it does get a little chilly in the winter up there....the winter days run down to an hour or less and in the summer the days get really long....<P>Don't throw the job out just out of hand...take a look at it...it has been my experience that the jobs that come out of the blue are the ones that you need to look at the hardest....<P>As for your marriage and stuff...remember, you need to take care of you right now....check this out....<P>As for here, had to stop patching holes, we have had some wicked lightening this afternoon....the monsoon has kicked in this year...hopefully it will go a while...<P>Well, got to get back to some research I am up too...<P>You are sounding a lot better....It sounds like you are not obsessing as you were in the beginning...<P>Take care<BR>Fred

hi Fred,<P> Just checking in...my sister came back yesterday, and it was pretty sad to see her walk in her house in tears knowing that her dog wasn't there to greet her.<P> I'm not exactly sure what kind of birds the job in Alaska deals with. I know they research puffins but there are so many others that it could be. They are sending me a job description on Mon. I doubt i'm really qualified, and I am pretty sure I don't want to live in Alaska. I think the environment would be great, but i'm not a cold person. And with those days that are dark almost all the time...yuck! i would become so depressed. But an interview is always good experience.<P> Not much else happening here. Hope you had a good weekend. Talk to you soon<BR> kathy

Hey there;<P>I hope you gave your sister a hug when she got there.....<BR>As for your interview...you will never know about the job until you look over the info and do the interview....you might decide that Alaska is the perfect place for you...<P>Things here are going to get hectic this week....my W and I are getting ready to move to Montana....my W's position was cut the last day of school last year (did I mention?)...anyway, we could'nt find a job for her around here, so, she was tied into a computerized data base and we interviewed in MT....were hired on the spot and now we have to get our house here ready to be shut up before we move. This week is paint the house, install a new water heater, and we still have to go and fill in a couple of holes (Used to see if you can have a septic sysytem) out on a piece of property we had purchased in the country....I nearly threw my back out yesterday shoveling dirt (sorry soil...I am after all an ag teacher... )<P>Let me know what is up this week. I may be in and out, so if I don't reply right away, don't panic. <P>Think happy thoughts and as you are probably already noticing...even if you don't realize it, your life is taking on a new order, organizing itself in a way that puts you first......let it happen, you deserve it!<P>Fred

Hi Fred,<BR> <BR> So, Montana? Wow, a bit of a difference in climate than Arizona. I wish you all the best in your new home.<P> Things here are ok. I feel like i'm just going through the motions of life, and am really beginning to feel depressed. I've read so much on the subject, but now i can relate to how it really feels. Blahh!!! It sucks. Everyone keeps telling me what to do with my life...I need to apply to this job, try this, go here. I feel like i'm going to snap.<P> I got an e-mail from my MIL, she said she couldn't tell what's going on with my H, but said he feels bad. That makes it sound like all he feels is guilt, like he cancelled plans on going to the movies. I know she doesn't mean anything by it, but just the thoughts in my head makes me want to cry.<P> I'm sorry to dump on you, Fred. I need to get myself to a counselor, but haven't even been motivated to even do that. <P> Write when you can, hopefully by then I'll feel a little more up.<P> Take care,<BR> kathy

Don't worry about dumping on me..hey, in a minute, I will dump right back on you...<P>Anyway...yes, you are going to feel numb right now...it will last for several more weeks or so...no biggie....What you need to focus on is what you want to do with your life. What do you want Kathy? We know you have job stuff coming in....we know you are going to check it out.<P>We know you are still in love with you husband. Throw the MIL stuff out. She is just trying to help and you just need to take it as information...nothing more. We have already determined that your option for hubby is to move to San Antonio and look into the job prospects....get on the internet and see if the San Antonio paper is online and look to see what is available...<P>You do need to see a counselor. But hopefully you will get more out of it than I am.....I am still hanging up on the putting it to work part.<P>Your friends are trying to do what they can to help....bless their little hearts...and you are just about to die inside because no one understands what you are feeling....I can't even understand it all...but I can listen. <P>Now, make something happen...set down with a paper and pencil...when will you go see the counselor, what are your job prospects and what is the time table to send resumes and interview...then put it into motion.<P>Things here are getting pretty bad...I am definitely thinking about a divorce. My W's idea of a perfectly good sexual relationship is if she is satisfied once a month when her hormones are on an upswing. Me, I could make love to her everyday and as long as she was satisfied, and I was satisfied, I would be happy...she says it is because of my moods, who would want to be around me...and she is right. Who would. I am lousy at this relationship business. I feel so left out of everything. I have to do everything at her convenience....<P>It all comes down to sex...last nite, I fell asleep because I didn't want to disturb her while she was watching tv and working on some stuff she has to get ready for the school we are going to....when she turned out the lite and I asked it we could and she said no, I lost it...I just don't understand what is so hard about this....this is the same woman, whom when we started living together told me to just let her know and we could....actual words were 'roll me over and stick it in...' now she tells me that because of my attitude, she doesn't want to.<P>You know, I wouldn't want it all the time, if I could get some of my needs filled once in a while....<P>OK, I am done, thanks for letting me dump.....<P>Let me know what is up on your end....<BR>More later<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P> I'm sorry your feeling as bumbed out as I am. I'm feeling a little better today, but as you know, it has its upswings. I have that job interview w/alaska people at 3:00.<BR>I know I'm not going to take the job, however it does sound good. It is just too far, and the expense of moving is too great. I would have to get a new car, since mine would never make it in such cold. The interview is good experience but I feel bad about wasting their time. It really is too bad that it isn't in the lower 48 somewhere.<P> As for things with you, it sounds like you are under a lot of stress right now. With the new jobs and the huge move. Give it some time and don't rush into anything. I assume you are going to get a new counselor in MT? Make sure you keep trying until you get one that you are comfortable with. You know, try reading the Divorce Busters book. It talks a lot about keeping a positive mental attitude and how acting as if something doesn't bother you has a huge impact on other people. It's pretty interesting. How old is your wife again? I remember you saying she is older. It probably has a lot to do with her hormones, or maybe it is something else physical. She should have a checkup w/her gyno to find out. <P>I wish I had some magical answers to keeping a positive attitude. It is extremely difficult at first, but from what I hear, once you make a habit of it it becomes second nature. I'm more positive than some people I know, and that isn't saying much right now. However, I also know that it can be draining to always being around negativity. Try your best right now to stay upbeat, I think if you can start convincing your wife that you are, then she will come around.<P>Take care, Fred and know that you can always come here to vent. That way you can keep it away from your family. Good luck and write soon.<P>Kathy

Thanks for the reply....how did the interview go????<P>I am looking forward tot he move to montana. We are supposed to make it into a vacation....the rocky mountains, yellowstone...it will be nice. <P>In the mean time I am doing the one job that every American loves to do...paint the outside of the house....I am trying to miss the thunderstorms in the afternoon.....Right now the house is a very light blue...does not go well witht he browns and greens.....when I am done it will be a nice shade of Dakota plains (Sand) and a brown on the trim....a little more in tune with the environs around it...<P>Sorry for the negativity..that is the same thing my wife says.<P>As for you, you really do sound better now than you did when you first came here....<P>I will try to find that book.<P>Well, gotta go for now....I am just dead beat and I have to go to my final counseling session here before we move...talk at you later.<P>Thanks for being around<BR>Fred

My H had an affair with my best friend almost 6 years ago. I just found out the truth 2 weeks ago. Back then, I was sure he was depressed and kept asking his counselor to do something. She basically implied that I was trying to take the blame off of myself (ha ha) and try to make him look like he had a problem.<P>Well, lo and behold, last summer he started acting that way again. We went to counseling AGAIN and I told the counselor I KNOW he's got a depression problem. It runs in his family, etc. Well he finally agreed to take some medication and he is so changed. No longer obsessive or gloomy. I thank God someone finally listened to me.<P>By the way, the counselor told me that when someone is depressed they don't love ANYBODY, including themselves. She said it's like they're looking thru a black curtain and can only focus on the bad things.<P>My H also told me he didn't love me, never had, and didn't want to feel sorry for me so "please don't cry." He said this the day he moved out to pursue her. I was devastated. Last summer he also told me he didn't love me. That was before the medication and current counseling.<P>Depression is an awful thing, but very treatable. I pray he will get help and consider medicine and counseling. They can do miracles. Good luck.

Hi Maggie,<P> I'm sorry to hear what the depression did to your husband and your marriage. It amazes me sometimes how we can see the things that others can't see. We live with those people, we know them better than anyone, yet we are the ones who can't help them, and those that can are fooled by the uncanny acting abilities of the depressed person. I'm referring to my husband and the way his family and friends have been fooled for years about his depression. He admits he puts on an act for them and they don't know the true him. It truly is sad. He adores his mother but won't go to her for help because she can't handle it. She takes his problems and makes them her own and takes all the blame.<P>As for now, my H won't get help. He got rid of what he thought was causing his depression, the marriage. Although he fails to remember that he was depressed before me.<P>What made your H seek therapy & medication? How long were you separated? I am glad to hear that your husband sought the necessary help and is feeling better. I can only imagine the difference it makes.<P><BR>Fred,<P> Make sure you are not over-doing it in the heat! I bet MT is beautiful this time of year. About yellowstone, do you need reservations to get in? I remember hearing something about that. My H's grandfather lives in Idaho and we had always planned on taking a trip to visit. I've never been out there and can only imagine how amazing it is.<P> The house sounds like it will fit in perfectly. Stay cool.<BR> <BR> Kathy

FreddyB....<P>Just checking to see if you made it to MT alright. Hope all is well.<P>Kathy

Hey there Kathy!<P>yep, we made it...finally...had some minor problems along the way...trailer broke, could not go fast, lost a couple of items....but all in all it was nice trip. Went through Yellowstone, tetons, all that good stuff.<P>Now we are here and it seems that the same problems are here too.... oh well, why did I think anything would change. The only difference is that I am trying to go without my meds for a while and see if it helps or not.<P>How are things with you? <P>Talk to me<BR>Freddy

Hi Fred!<P>Sorry took so long to reply...I was in NY and just got back. I've been having trouble getting into website until now.<P>Glad to hear you are safe. I was beginning to worry a little, but I know how difficult and time consuming moving is.<P>Sorry to hear that your problems followed you. Unfortunately problems just don't go away by changing locations. Give it some time for the problems to begin to go away, afterall moving does create a lot of stress.<P>What problems where you talking about anyway? Do they have to do with your wife uninterest in getting close? <BR>Have you ever tried to do anything different? I mean like pull a 180 and do something she would never expect. Because if what your doing now isn't working...perhaps something else will. We can brainstorm over ideas, it might help having another womans opinion.<P>As for me, things are ok. I haven't talked to my H in over a month, and he hasn't made any effort to contact me. I guess i shouldn't be surprised, but it does sting. Besides my b-day was on wed. and he didn't even remember. Now that hurt. His mother sent me a card and said she hoped my life is turning around for the better and that hopefully my next move will be closer to the ocean. I'm not sure if she wants me to live in it because right now I'm less than 30 miles away! <P>I'm not exactly sure why i haven't contacted John. I guess I needed time away and was afraid to hear any horrible news he may have. Actually, i'm going to write him an e-mail today, just to say hi and see how things are. I had a marriage counseling session last week. It wasn't Dr. Harley, but someone from divorce busters. Although I really believe in MB, I think the way my situation is right now, I needed more of a solution-brain-storm. It was a good session and i'm glad I did it, although it was expensive. Every year i treat myself to something for my b-day and I figured what better gift. The session gave me hope, although he has said the same thing that everybody else says. He doesn't see any hope for my marriage if I stay in NC or move anywhere else but TX. He said my situation was unique and he coudln't think of anything else for me to do. Although he did suggest I start contact with him. <P>I haven't made any firm decisions on moving yet. My mother is going in for surgery on the 20th and i'm gonna have to wait and see, plus I don't want to add any unecassary stress to her. I'm thinking that the earliest i'll move is sept. anyway.<P>I haven't found any work yet. I've signed up for some temp agencies, but never got anything. I'm looking into subsitute teaching but even that will take at least 3-4 weeks to get going.<P>I have to find something though, it is going to cost a lot to move. I had a job interview for a job in fort worth, tx but have yet to hear. It is about 3 hours from john, but at least it is something.<P>It was nice to visit ny. I did wind up seeing people who weren't aware of my need for a decision and they pretty much all said the same thing. I'm also still seeing references to TX all over the place. I got 2 separate travel info packets from San Antonio and Austin in the mail. I didn't even order them!! How weird is that? They were addressed to my maiden name which I don't use anymore. Sometimes I'm wondering if i'm being smacked over the head with what my decision should be because of all the pointings to tx. <P>I did see an ex-boyfriend when I was in NY. I had gone to his house after not seeing him for 6 years. I was with him for 4 years and aside from John, the only one I was ever that serious with. This is the guy who put a whole lot of head-trips on me, with a side of emotional abuse to go along with it. I guess I was looking for closer and got it. I looked at him and saw nothing of what I felt for him in the past. And couldn't believe I had ever wanted to marry the guy! We were totally wrong for each other. Complete opposites and incompatible. But it was good seeing him, in a way I miss his friendship...he was my best friend for a long time. He was able to get me to feel really unattractive about myself while we were together. It really put a dent in my self-esteem. But, the other day, I looked good and he had said so and admitted that it wasn't that i wasn't attractive afterall but that the age difference bothered him. It caught me off guard that he said that but it made me feel good, although I couldn't believe that I believed him for all those years. I was foolish to give him that kind of power. It was a nice sense of closer for me.<P>Well, I talked your ear off. Write me soon, and i'm glad your finally settling in.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy<P>

Hey there, Don't worry, you did not ramble too much...<P>First of all, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!<P>I don't have a lot of time tonite to write, but I will over the weekend. We have to go out of town early in the morning, and I just wanted to get a quick reply off to you.<P>Hope you have a great weekend.<P>Fred

Hi Fred,<P>Just hoping your weekend went well. Write and let me know what is going on. <P>Kathy

My weekend was a rush. Off to Billings one day and then to Miles City the next. When we moved, we only brought clothes and a few essentials...so now we are trying to furnish the house with some of the stuff we could not bring. Plus it is hot up here, temps int he 90's and above and no a/c.<P>All in all, I am looking forward to the job. As for the life at home...hmmmmmmm<P>The step monster has been a real pain. I have never come across an 11 year old child that acts more like a 6 year old. I have been driven to tears on more than one occassion because of my frustration. My W tells me to just ignore her....I just do not understand how you ignore a child.. I miss my own children sooooooo much, today was my middle child and only daughter's Birthday and I feel such a hole in my heart....<P>Then there is the situation with my W and I. She is just not in the mood anymore for anything...oh she has helped satisfy my need for a release once ot twice, but since we have been gone from AZ we have not had any kind of an intimate relationship at all.<P>I am coming up on the edge of a nervous breakdown again and it is not a pretty sight. I have to concentrate on my job so that I can be the best there that I can be and learn to just leave this home stuff here..<P>I guess I have griped enough for now. I hope you had a good weekend. Talk with you again soon.<P>Fred

Fred,<P>I'm sorry you are having a rough time. It seems as there is just so much stress on top of each other, and you are getting buried. Take time for yourself...go off and do something that you love doing. Clear your head and let some of the stuff go. I hope you are going to find a new counselor in your area. Are you still on your meds?<P>As for your step-monster, what is she doing that is so maddening? 11 is a hard age, perhaps she is wanting to be babied in hopes of getting extra attention from her mother. Especially if her mother ignores her. What about giving her some responsibility? I remember when I was her age a friend and me earned cash by doing some chores around the house. We basically did the stuff that everyone else hated to do. It made us feel as if we were doing something important and we made some $$. It must be hard on her in the new town with no friends. What grade is she entering? She will make new friends soon, and that should help some also.<P>I'm sorry you are missing your kids so much. Are they in AZ still? How old is your daughter today? <P>Now, as for you and your wife. I don't get her. How nice it would be to have someone who is so interested in being with her. Sounds like she is taking you for granted in some ways.<BR>How about showing her no interest for awhile. Perhaps she'll begin to wonder and become more interested. Just an idea. There has got to be tons of stuff written about this, maybe it's time to do some research.<P>Take care of yourself, and try not to think about having a breakdown. You could be adding extra pressures on yourself.<P>Write soon,<BR>kathy

Thanks for writing back. You may have something. I may just take a half a doy or a whole day and go do something. It just seems like there is always something that has to be done here.<P>My daughter was 8 yesterday and she lives in NM with her mom along with the rest of my children. There are 4 and since I have remarried, I have had less and less contact with them as their mother, for want of a better term, is very jealous that I found someone else and moved on.<P>My step monster is just so maddening to me. She constantly is talking back, being defiant, saying no and actually getting away with it. She is ADHD and she is also gifted and that can make for an obnoxious combination. She is very hard to be arund. She also acts like she is four or five in the way she talks. She has already made the gossip circuit here in town as she is a very bossy young lady too...you get the idea. The problem is that her mom is an enabler of this type of behavior and there is little I can do.<P>As for my meds. I went off of them while on vacation because we were all getting along so well. Then when we got here....oh well. I am back on them. I have to find me a doctor so I can get my Rx filled.<P>As for the intimacy. I have tried just about everything. The thing is, it is so easy for her to jsut say no and she knows that I don't want her to fake anything...so I get stuck.<P>So how is everything with you this week? Doing better I hope. I am actually looking forward to my new job and have been puttering around in my office and class and shop for the last week or so. Trying to see what works and what doesn't, figure out the system and such.<P>Well, I had better go for now. Need to get a shower and get ready for bed. Maybe a good nite's sleep will help.<P>Later<BR>Fred<P>

I think a day off will do wonders for you! I'm no doctor or anything, but I'm not sure you should be taking yourself off the meds. Even if your feeling better. Find someone who can renew the Rx, it will help ease the pressure.<P>As for your step monster, yikes! She sounds like a handful. Why doesn't her mother do anything? Are you able to step in or does your wife freak out?<P>Things here are ok. I've been looking for a job with no luck. I'm trying to find temp work so in case I move soon. I'm going to go and try retail next. Oh well, something will come up. Today at the temp agency i got to talking to the interviewer and I told her I wasn't looking for anything permanent b/c I don't know when i'll be leaving. We got to talking about my H a little, and she asked me what my heart told me to do. I said to go to TX and fight for him. She said to do it, she was in a similar position recently (didn't go into details on either part, just separation) and she was celebrating her 30th anniv. today and back with her H. Not common job interview stuff, but it was nice to talk to someone face to face, who is in a similar position.<P>I sent an e-mail to my H on fri and have yet to hear back. I'm trying not to feel hurt, but can't help it. I got a note from his mother tonight. She didn't say anything about her trip to see him except that she went and that everything seemed ok, just a huge change. G*d, all I want to hear is that he misses me. Instead she tells me that his bro & sis-in-law are pregnant. That just put a knife right through me. Why is it that I had to get the more screwed up brother? From outside appearances you could never tell.<P>What the hell am I doing? Why do i love him when he doesn't want me? Why can't it be me who's pregnant with their first grandchild?<P>'Member when I told you about my counseling appnt? Well, I post on that BB as well. I wrote about how my mind is almost made up to go, and received a reply from the author of the book. She told me that she was glad my appn't went well and to see I had a good plan now. First, it amazed to hear her respond. She rarely responds to peoples thread. I know it is good for her b/c it encourages others to get help, but still it was nice. But, do I actually have a plan? I don't know. I don't know what to do once I get to TX. At this rate, since not hearing from him, i doubt he would even want to see me. <P>I'm scared. I'm living in this little cocoon of my parents house and am safe here. I can spend the rest of my life living in this town being safe. But all I want is to be with my H. And that is not possible right now, if ever.<P>I guess that e-mail from my mil has gotten to me. She never says anything bad, it just hurts to be reminded that he no longer loves me. I'm sorry for dumping. bad night.<P>kathy

Don't worry about dumping; I have been lately...<P>As for a plan, why don't you set you mind to go to TX and see with your own eyes what your H is up to. In your mind, plan on giving it 6 mos or so and say, "Ok, I will give it until Feb 28 of 2002 and if he is still being like this, then I have no choice."<P>I still love my ex, you will always love your husband and care and want him. The question is, will you be able to live with him and sleep in the same bed as he does. If the answer is no, then it is time to move on and put this pain in its proper place....Kathy, remember, you will find someone again. Even me, mister triple extra larger person, when I thought I would be alone the rest of my life, out of the blue, someone came to me.<P>I don't know if that helps or not, but as we say in the west, 'it is time to poop or get off the pot.' You need to break out of the cocoon, the longer you stay, the more reluctant you may be to go. Pack the car, get in it and drive west. Don't look back until you get to TX. Find your H and have your face to face. Tell him you are going to be around for 6 mos and that you want him and your marriage to work. If in Feb, he is still being a **** (Pardon my language), then sweetheart, he is not for you and you will be wasting your love on someone who doesn't want it.<P>As for here, yep, the step child is a hand full and the mother does not help much. I am trying.<P>I also am looking for a doc who can refill my meds. I am tired of breaking down.<P>Well, I had better get going, need to shower and get to work.<P>Let me know what you think.<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P>Thanks for the uplift. I had the blahs last night after hearing of my SIL pregnancy. It still hurts when I think of it.<P>I know I have to make the best life for me. If that means my H gets to share it then, yipee! If not, then like you said, there is someone out there who deserves my love. My H had it pretty good with me, so I don't know what the problem is. I'm not ugly, pretty-smart, have a decent figure, great sense of humor and am very loyal, thoughtful and easy-going. Plus, I rarely turned down his advances.<P>What a big-weenie! <P>Anyways, my mother is going in for surgery on Mon. I want to wait until i find out how serious things are. Plus, I don't want to add any extra stress.<P>I don't understand why your wife puts up with your SD's behaving like that? She ever give you a reason?<P>Also, you hadn't answered my question about not pursuing any intimate contact with your wife for awhile. Could that possibly work? It sounds like it would completely through her off guard and she might begin to wonder. Be very nonchalant about it all.<P>Oh, by the way....did I ever tell you that I have a cat named Fred? He's great, but a little quirky. My FIL nicknamed him (this is so awful) special-ed Fred. Only because he is obsessed with getting his belly rubbed. He's a weird cat but I love him to death. Just thought that might put a smile on your face. <P>Take care,<BR>Kathy

Glad i could help.<P>As for answering your question. In all honesty, she would not care if I stopped making advances...in her way of thinking, it would show her that I was getting control of my emotions and hormones and that we could move on with our marriage. She has said repeatedly that sex/making love is not high on her list of priorities in a relationship...I just did not realize how low on the totem pole it was....She just wants it when her (Whats left of her) hormones are up....<P>My problem is that if there is not a release once in a while I actually get uncomfortable and ancy.....maybe it is all in my head, although I have read several articles that show that men are affected by all the hormones just as women are during their periods....men just have one constant period I guess Something else too, I actually like pleaseing my wife, caressing and touching and stuff and it doesn't matter to her....she just wants someone to 'be' with.......<P>I hope your mom is OK.<P>Yes you H is a weenie, as I have said before, you sound like a woman who has her stuff together, mentally, physically and in every other way. You just happen to have married a weenie......<P>As for the cat.....That's OK, I like my belly rubbed too once in a while. If your cat is anything like ours, when you start with the belly, they roll on over on their back and even though they say cats can't smile, I would swear that there is one on their face....<P>Stay in touch, have a great day!<BR>Fred<P><BR>

Just a quick note to say hi. I can't talk long, i'm on my way out to the dentist to get a crown put on. Yuck!!!<P>Hope all is well, keep me posted.<BR>take care,<BR>kathy

Oh, btw...just was wonderin what you thought....<P>It's been over a week since I e-mailed H and no response. It has been 1 1/2 months since we've talked. Should I e-mail or call him? I feel so weird about it and really scared.<P>Any advice?

Hope the crown went on ok...<P>Thingshere are a little better. We actually found time for some intimacy yesterday....<P>As to your btw....<P>Detach you mind and look at this for a moment as if you had a friend asking you the same thing....<P>Kathy;<P>My W left me and I haven't heard from her in months. I e-mailed her last week and I know she got it, but she hasn't replied....what should I do?<P>You would say something like....well, it doesn't sound like she wants to talk to you.<P>It seems that you H really doesn't care....stupid idiot...<BR>I wish I could have some sage words that would give you some kind of hope.<P>If you really have to go and SEE him, then after your mom's hospital thing, pack you car and GO! Don't think about it, don't analyze it, don't worry about what people will say, just DO IT and go see for yourself.<P>Also, don't be scared. There are only two ways this can go; He will want you or he won't. If he does...GREAT, you will go and make a baby of your own and stay together. If he doesn't want you, the he is a supreme idiot and he doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground and you need to move on to find someone more deserving of you love and affection.<P>We just got back from Miles City and I need to shuffle off to bed. <P>Before I go though, let me just say that regardless of what you feel in your heart at this moment, there really is someone out there for you that is worthy of you and that you will be happy with. You will go on with your life and be successful and fulfilled. You need to get through this time and see with your own eyes what your H is really like and then you can move on from here to what lies ahead.<P>I'll be around this weekend and I will check in from time to time.<P>Talk to you later<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P>Sorry I haven't written back. I didn't see your last reply until now.<P>First off, the crown is fine. Annoying to get though.<P>Secondly, way to go FRED!! Glad you and your wife found time together. Hopefully more since we've last talked.<P>I did call H on Thurs. Still no reply. I know what you said, and you're probably right. He doesn't care. But who knows. Perhaps i'm clinging to lost hope, but it's all I can do right now.<P>I told my parents that i'm going to move. My mother wasn't surprised, my dad was though. But neither put up much argument. Of course, they are worried about me being hurt more, but they understand it's something I need to do. The worse part will be telling my sister. She'll be the worst. Aside from H.<P>So, looks like the plan has started. I'll keep you posted.<P>Hope all is well. Write what's new.<P>Kathy

Glad to hear that you are doing ok.<P>Things here are so-so. Today was the first day of school. Great Kids. Nice Day. We are finding that we may have moved to the wrong place though....things we are hearing about our school board....<P>W and I have been finding some time. I am trying to work on being a little more assertive in what I want and trying to be understanding of her needs too.<P>Let me know how it is going with you and your H. Go and do this thing....see if works or not with your own eyes and set a definite time limit. If it isn't working, don't beat a dead horse as we say in the west....<P>Gotta go, getting close to my bed time now that we are back at work.<P>Take care<BR>Fred

Hi fred,<P>Hope all is well. How's school going? Can't believe it started back up already. What's going on with your W? Is she being any more receptive to contact?<P>I called to congratulate my SIS on the baby, and she had told me my H said was really happy for them, but added that "at least he hasn't made a mess of their lives as he did his and mine." Well, I guess he is a bit remoreseful.<P>H still hasn't made contact. He has done this before, a few months after we met. We weren't dating or anything, just friends, long-distance. <P>People keep asking me to make sure that i'm moving for ME, but how do I know that? Nothing feels right anymore so how do I know if i'm making the right decision? I know they are only looking out for me because they care, and don't want to see me get hurt again. <P>I've been reading a lot of people's stories about getting through this, and the advice is mostly the same. Take care of yourself, do things for you.....you've heard them. But my situation is different in the respect that I am 32 years old and have no permanent home, no job, scattered friends, a career choice that limits my locations and income, and no money. Others can immerse themselves in work and friends. They have homes to take care of and established routines. I have so much work to do and so many decisions to make. My life is in such limbo that I'm sometimes overwhelmed and become immobilized. I'm in that place right now.<P>I'm sorry to keep dumping on you but it helps to write it out. You've been a big help to me and I really appreciate the time you take to write to me.<P>Thanks, Fred,<BR>Have a good night,<BR>kathy

Glad to hear from you!!!!<P>You are not dumping. Let us just review everything again and please stop worrying about your decision.<P>Yes, you are 32...so,,,,, I am almost 40 and I have been wondering for years if I had made the right choices for my life. I look back on it and see two failed marriages, numerous failed relationships and I wonder if it was all worth it.<P>You need to do what YOU need to do. We already know what you are going to do....so just do it. Do you have limited opportunities...Yep. So, you are married right now. You took vows and you need to KNOW if they were worth keeping or not. That is the most important thing right now.<P>You will get in your car and head out west and you will give your H this one last windo of opportunity and if HE chooses to ignore it then you can pull your self up by your bootstraps and walk off down life's path in another direction. Will you be a failure....nope...just wiser to what you need to do.<P>As to my W....welll...it is same-o, same-o.....I want it too much and she doesn't.<P>School is great. Good kids....I think it will be a good year.<P>I have had a couple of minor meltdowns....over intimacy. I have been trying to ignore how I feel, but it is hard...<P>How is, was it your mom in hospital? How is she doing?<P>Well, I need to be toddling off and get some things done before it gets too late.<P>Tell you what if you would rather vent in not such a public forum e- me at dell9284@hotmail.com<P>Not a problem being there. I look forward to your mails. <P>Oh yes, your friends and family do care about you...but only you can live your life and I can tell from your e's that you will always wonder what if, unless you go do this.<P>Take care and stay in touch.<P>Fred<P>We will be out for the weekend, but I will be around Monday evening. Have a great Labor Day Weekend. Go to the beach, visit a friend or just get a deck chair and veg...

Fred,<P>I know you're away, but i'm sure you will read this once you get back.<P>I want to thank you for being such a good friend and listening to me over the past few months. This BB has provided me a place to vent and to learn. Most importantly it has provided me with comfort and new friends.<P>You truly are a special man. I'll write soon.<P>hope you had a great weekend.<BR>Take care,<BR>kathy

Thanks for the compliment....I don't really think so at times.<P>Had a disastorous weekend. Had a major break down saturday on our way out of town. All over sex as usual. Whenever there is a long weekend, I look forward to some nice relaxing romantic time together....well, unfortunately this did not fit into her plans of time schedules and doing other things.<P>I need to get a hold of a doc and get back on my meds...I hope it helps.<P>Let me know what you are up to.<P>Hope you had a good weekend.<P>Fred<P>By the way -- You are a special person too. You care and that is what makes you special. Remember to care about yourself while you think of your H.

Hi Fred<P>Sorry to hear your weekend didn't go so well. I definately think you should look into going back on your meds. It will probably relax you a bit more. Try not to dwell too much on the intimacy (tough, I know). Let it go for awhile and see how it plays out. Perhaps it will ease the pressure off your wife a bit. <P>But most importantly, take care of yourself and relax. <P>Talk to you soon,<BR>Kathy<P>p.s/ thank you for the compliment too!<BR>

Just wanted to check in and see how things were going?<BR>Any news that is new or just same-o, same-o?<P>Let me know....<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P>Sorry i've been slack. Nothing has changed. Still haven't talked to H. I'm recieving a lot of flack from my family regarding my decision. Had a big fight with my sister this morning about it. I guess if I was getting any kind of feedback from H they would understand a bit more.<P>I know I need to bite the bullet and tell him. <P>How's things in your camp? Any news with the wife and that situation?<P>Write soon, i'll try and not be so slack. Take care and have a good weekend.<P>Kathy

Kathy;<BR>OK I missed something...did you make a decision that I didn't catch. What do you have to tell you H. <P>Whatever your decision is, make sure that you are comfortable with it in YOUR heart and to hell (Pardon my language) with everyone else. You are the only one that has to live in your mind and in your body and deal with your life. Only you can do what is best for you.<P>Stay in touch. I am going to try and have a good weekend. It has been a heck of a week. Second week at school, car broke down (Nothing serious, just needs a part that had to be overnited from Denver)and the continual battle with the W goes on...she promises 'tonite' and we have continued to reschedule. She promised for tonite after we are done here at school....I am not holding my breath....<P>I degress, let me know what is up.<BR>Fred

I hope you don't mind, but I need someone to vent at and this is the only place that I can do it at.<P>I am really thinking about checking out permanently....This whole marriage and relationship thing is just totally helpless. I don't get it. I had another blow-up yesterday and again she told me to get ready to move out.<P>Of course it was all over the brat child that thinks she is an adult. Maybe the W is right and I don't know how to handle children....Hell I made four of my own with my former W and now she has them and I will never be a father to them. I also will never have the chance to be a father again.....<P>What a loser I have turned out to be. What is the purpose....I obsess over sex, I get in trouble for reprimanding a kid with a mouth on her that won't stop and then I get put in a position where I have to deal with all of the W mistakes and try and clean up the mess....<P>What is the use? It would be so easy to just take a walk a couple of miles out of town and pick a nice little gully, hike up it a ways and politely dispatch myself....no fuss, no muss and since I would not be found...she could still get everything and go on to live a nice long happy life with all her bills paid and no problems.<P>I am always the one that has to change. I use to think I was pretty cool, now....who knows.....I am just an oversexed, size triple extra fat person with no hope of a future with anyone......What a waste of time and energy. <P>I sincerely hope your life is going better. Don't let the naysayers get to you as they have to me. You go out there and live your own life and above all else be good to yourself because no one else is going to be.

Fred!!!<P>Are you there?? I just got to read your last message. Don't you dare do anything to harm yourself. You are an important person to many. Including me. <P>The incidence with your wife was just that, an incidence. It will pass and it will be forgotten. Just because you reacted to a spoiled little brat, doesn't make you a bad person nor a bad father. Actually, I would say you are a good father. You care about that child even though she makes your life hell.<P>Please, e-mail me or post back. my e-mail is babao69@yahoo.com<P>I'm worried about you and if you don't respond I will have to contact the webmasters/harley's.<P>Call your doctor. If you haven't gotten one yet, call the local clinic or a hotline. <P>Take care of yourself, and yes, people will miss you. Very much.<P>Kathy

I'm back and feeling some better. With all of the events of the past few days...it has been hard. Things at home are not any better. I guess marriage is supposed to be just two people occupying the same space and just existing....<P>Thank you for the kind words. I have a doctor's appointment for next Wednesday...the earliest they could get me in. The car should be done tomorrow (Cross your fingers and legs).<P>Now what was the big decision that you made that I missed?<P>What is going on there?<P>Let me know. No, I will not hram myself yet. I know logically that to do so will only injure me and not anyone else. I just want to be happy and enjoy life, may marriage and just being a live human being on the face of the earth.<P>Hopefully I will get there.<P>I will contact you throught the backdoor and let you know I am still alive in case you don't get this for awhile.<P>Fred

Don't know if you are still there...<P>Finally got in to see the doc yesterday...very nice lady...<P>I have a new acronym for my step daughter P.I.T.A., Pain in the [censored]! I thought it was kind of cute....<P>Got back on my meds....very expensive with the new insurance...<P>I do feel better though now....<P>Let me know what is up with you.<BR>Fred<BR>

Hi Fred,<P>Glad to hear your feeling better. I haven't gotten on the computer much over the last few days, but I am still here.<P>I think that even though the meds are expensive in the long run it will be a good investment. As for your SD, PITA sounds like a fitting name. Any suggestions from you counselor on how to deal with that situation?<P>As for me, things are fine. Having a bit of a scare re: father. He had prostate cancer a few years ago, and now they are wondering if it spread somewhere. He had a bonescan yesterday to see if it was in the bones but that was negative. Now he has to undergo a CAT scan sometime soon.<P>No other news to report. I'll write more soon.<P>I am truly glad you are feeling better. You had me scared <P>Take care,<BR>kathy

Sorry I had you scared...it has been a very frustrating time for me. The doc did not have any suggestions yet for PITA. <P>In our conversation, it was basiclly that I needed to learn to ignore and do my thing and let my W do what she is going to do. After all, I am getting reminded that it is her daughter and not mine....sooooooooooo.<P>Sorry to hear about your dad....hope he is getting along well.<P>Am starting to think that coming here was a huge mistake. Only three weeks into the school year and I am ready to just walk out on these people. It is say one thing but do something else. Today is the last full day of homecoming week and it has been a total disaster...my boss came down on me this morning for doing exactly what I thought that she wanted done....oh well.....<P><BR>I guess I had better get some real work done this morning.<BR>Stay in touch.<BR>Fred

Hi Fred,<P>Sorry 'bout takin so long to reply. Haven't been on computer much. Thanks for your thoughts about my father, so far, everything is ok. He has to go in for a CAT scan sometime soon though.<P>I just got off the phone w/H. We mostly made small talk but eventually brought up us. We talked about what he would have to do for me to come back. I told him he would need to go to therapy to work on his personal issues. Still wasn't too receptive on that.<P>We talked about divorce. Admitted that we both went to see a lawyer. He told me that when he first got to tx. he was intent on getting one. He is now not sure. He doesn't want to keep hurting me like he has if we stay together. <P>He also told me he didn't want to get back together for the wrong reasons. I asked him what his were and he replyed "having a family". Is that a wrong answer? I'm not sure anymore. he didn't say it but I guess he is afraid of not feeling any love for me.<P>We left off still needing to finish talking. It's good that we are finally talking and at least i'm not crying throughout everything (only after I get off the phone). I still love him very much, in spite of all he put me through. I wish it were easy to turn off these feelings. My stomach can't take much more....<P>Well, i need some sleep (yeah, right. like i can sleep). <P>Hope all is well with you. Don't stress about school. The year is still fresh.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy

Good to hear from you.<BR>No, a family is not a wrong reason. The only way it would be wrong is if he said it only because he intendes to use you as the egg donor.<P>He needs therapy. You cannot work through your issues unless there is some kind of help.<P>What are your reasons for wanting to stay married? You haven't said anything about seeing a lawyer....<P>Yoiu need to want to be married to him because you love him with all of your heart and soul. You need him to comfort you and be your friend. You need to want his body next to yours as a lover and just for comfort. You need to know that no matter what, he will be there for you. That is why you want to be married to him and he needs to feel the same way.<P>This is what I am still working onhere with my W. I am really getting the mesage deep down that there are some of those reasons that do not apply to her. She is a woman that 'needs' a man in her life...not so much for the loving and stuff but to just 'be' there. I need the physical side of it too. Tell me that is not wrong......I keep getting that I am over sexed or over this or over that....then on top of it all, I am told, 'just be you.' What a joke.<P>Well, I had better get off, need to get back to class.<BR>Stay in touch.<BR>Fred

Hi there Fred,<P>Hope you had a good day.<P>What you said in your last past was touching. And yes, I do love my h very much. I want to be his best friend and his lover. I want to be the one to comfort him and cry on his shoulder when I need to. I want us to have a family together and grow old together. His face is the last i want to see at night and the first in the morning. Even if he snores...I want to be the one to make him laugh so that little crinkle between is eyes shows up....sigh....guess I really do want to make the marriage work <P>He needs therapy, badly. He still won't go. I'll settle for just personal therapy and not marriage counseling. i believe he would benefit tremendously from medication (of course, he'd have to stay on it this time). <P>Right now, he needs to make he decision about what he wants to do with our marriage. I would rather have the depression treated first because he might be less clouded, but I'll have to take what i can.<P>he has many fears, guilt of what he'd done, guilt of might happen again. Feels my family hates him (not true). Afraid something better out there, is convinced he is a bad person. I know there is nothing I can say to take these ideas away. i can only hope and pray that he can see past them and know there is a better life.<P>Oh well, patience my friend....<P>As for you, a question. Have you read Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy? i know your not headed for divorce but there are some great ideas in those books that might be worth looking at. maybe check out that BB as well.<BR> <A HREF="http://66.111.66.234/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi" TARGET=_blank>http://66.111.66.234/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi</A> <P>Not trying to get rid of you of course. Just that there might be something in those books that may help. There is a section in Divorce Remedy about sexual compatibility. As well as an article on the website about varying levels as well. Worth a look.<P>Take care,<BR>Kathy<P>P.S. The lawyer was way back at the end of June. Just a consultation to know my rights. Never pursued it.<P>

Thanks for the kind words...<P>BTW, what IS sexual compatibility???? <P>I have not ever been able to find it....I am starting to think that women really DON'T want a man that is thinking of their needs more than his.....<P>I'll read the website. Gotta go, bell just rang to start the day.<P>Fred

Dear Fish,<P>I'm not too sure about the problem. Use the following tool might help you diagnose it:<BR><A HREF="http://www.aiculator.com" TARGET=_blank>aiculator.com</A> <BR>Good Luck!<BR>Cucu

Yo Kathy;<p>Long Time, No Hear!<p>How are you?<p>Fred

Hi Fred,<p>I've been very slack lately, sorry. Hope all is well with you. Things any better w/wife and step-monster?<p>Things here are ok. Still at my parents.<p>H and I had a long talk last week about what we are going to do. We agreed that something has to be decided because this limbo-land sucks. He wants to stay married but is extremely afraid of not being able to handle it. He told me he is not sure he has any idea what it is like to be in love. In his mind he knows that the butterfly-mushy feelings won't always be there and that is normal. But there is something inside him that goes off when he doesn't feel that. He starts doubting himself and works himself up into a emotional wreck. He just doesn't want us to go through all that pain again and that is understandable.<p>However, I believe the risk is worth it. I don't want us to spend the rest of our lives wondering if we ended it only because we were afraid. I know I don't want to live like that. <p>We talked about me moving there (to his city). Not sure if we'd move in together right away or hold off a few months. John wants to know if I feel as if it would be the best thing for me or would it be better for me to move off and start a new life somewhere else. As of now, the decision is mine. He wants me to be there, but made me promise to think about what is really best for me and to act on that.<p>So, I have a couple choices. To move on (which would be out of fear) or to work at my marriage. Hmmm....not much of a decision there, eh? Of course i'll choose my marriage. He knows that too, but wants me to be sure. <p>I've started to write a few times since our talk, but always found myself stopping. I was trying to have a little input as possible so I know this was a decision I made for myself. So we will see what happens for next. There is still a long haul ahead of me. Hope i'm up for it.<p>Write soon,
Kathy

Here's another update:<p>H called me last night. It was a long conversation and it was productive. I can't say that I feel great about it but at least we're being honest.<p>H was talking about how much cheaper it is to buy a trailer w/ lot rent than it is to pay his rent. He saying"we" when referring to living in it. I asked him "what did you say?". Now my H is a mumbler and usually he repeats what he says but this time he knew exactly what i meant. So, it sounds as if it was intentional. I'm glad he's considering me when he thinks of the future. <p>He was telling me how he would have to learn how to love me and he is not sure if he can learn. He did tell me he loved me and listed reasons why but he said he wasn't "in love". He was though when we married he said. He just thinks that when feeling goes it's all over. <p>The worst part is that he told me his friend from back home is visiting over Thansgiving, which happens to be a 40 yr old woman. he's been friends with her for years and she is looking to move somewhere else (hopefully not tx). It was something that was planned during the time we weren't talking. He denies that there is anything more, and that there is no way she can even measure up to me. However, I made it clear that I was worried about it and that I was afriad that it can turn into something more. I don't know what to think. On one hand he told me about it, although it wasn't something he was planning to. On the other hand, I wonder if this woman has an alterior motive. I know that in the past this woman had offered to take him on a golfing trip to Scotland that never came about. John said he wasn't interested in her, but there are a thousand stories here that are similar. I know there is nothing I can do, but just wait it out. However, it is going to be a long few weeks.<p>Well, i've rambled enough. Thanks for listening.
Kathy

Hey there, so good to hear from you. I have read and re-read your posts and you are right. Only you can make the decisions that you have to make. As for the other woman, Let me ask one question....why would your husband mention it if he was planning some ulterior motive type thing? He is trying to be honest with you. I too have female friends that I would call if I was not married or with my wife. I understand the place he is at. He is not wanting a physical relationship necessarily, but a female presence to talk to and have reassure him that he is ok. Don't go reading to much into it or you will sabotage the reunion before it takes place.<p>As for me, we are back in the Southwest. The kids in Montana just ran all over my wife and step monster. We heard that jobs were open in a school we used to teach in and we called, were hired and so we quit and came back.<p>Right now I am in my office on my computer as I have had another fight witht he wife over the step monster. It seems that she can yell and scream and carry on when ever and there are no consequences and if I do it......oh baby, here we go again. I too am at a point where I have to make some decisions. There are a few open units in the teacher apartments and I am thinking about asking for one. The rent is cheap and the utilities are all paid for. It would give me some necessary breathing space. But I degress....<p>If you need to bounce ideas, please ask. I will always be happy to be your mirror.....I already know that what ever decision you make, will be the right one for you, for no matter what happens, you will finally KNOW what is really going on...<p>Fred

Hi Fred,<p>I think I missed something. You moved again? I know you said you weren't happy in Montana but wow, that was a fast move.<p>I'm sorry to hear your thinking of moving out. It makes me sad for you that your wife doesn't realize or appreciate what kind of man you are. It takes a sensitive, caring man to keep coming to a site that is devoted to marriage. She's a fool [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Do what you feel is right, but make sure it's not just easier than to do the hard stuff.<p>You are right when you said to calm down about that other woman. It's easy to become obsessive when things are bad. <p>Well, yesterday I sent a Halloween card to H. It was a picture of our cat (Fred). He's black w/bright yellow eyes and I did a pretty good job on the pic (if I do say so myself). He sent me one back. It was a dart board on all the darts are trying to hit bullseye. One finally does and it says "Miss U very much". His note along with it said he "really does miss me" and "I honestly hope we can be together soon". WOW! What a surprise! That was something my "old" H would do. i'm giddy, but again must remain calm....I sent him one back sending him a big hug and told him i missed him too. We'll see....<p>Hope you are having a good week so far.<p>Take care,
Kathy

Hey there;<p>I must have just missed your post.<p>Yeah, it happened all of a sudden in the middle of October. My W was actually making the students do work and they were complaining to their parents and the parents were calling the school every day. Then when she was reprimanded by the principal, that was it. On a Wednesday that happened and by Saturday we had loaded a Uhaul and we were on our way back. Now, just a week before we had heard that there were two jobs open in the school we used to teach at and it happened that we fit the bill so hey, it must be like kismit or some kind of higher karma....or maybe God just wants us to be back here....<p>Anyway, I am trying my best to understand what is happening. I am not happy, but part of that is walking in and seeing seven years of work down the toilet! Also, I am off part of my meds until the insurance kicks in....And the step monster is just being a pain in the A%$!<p>My W tells me that any decision I make is mine to make....that I have to live my life.....that whatever I do is what I have to do....notice how she never says , I would like you to stay...or you know I love you even though all this is going on....nope, no such luck...all she can tell me is how alike the step monster and I are and how she is just about ready to walk out on the both of us...how reassuring.<p>I did check with the land lord today and there are some one bedroom units still available. I may have to do that....get one and have a safe haven.<p>We also had a meeting at the school yesterday about step child and she will start getting therapy and counseling as soon as they can shove the paperwork through the bureacracy....<p>Now, to you....I am happy for you that things are taking an upward turn. You are right to be calm, but I say catch this wave and ride it until it ends. What is the very worst thing that can happen? Really?? You may end up where you are now. Or you may end up fixing the relationship and living the fairy tale....I sincerely wish for you the latter.<p>He needs to see the need to have counseling....maybe do it together....It really can help.<p>Stay in touch
Fred

Hi there Fred,<p>Just want to check in and see how things are going. Have you made any changes (meaning major moves/decisions) since our last contact? What about your new job sitch, any better than last one?<p>Not much new here. Haven't heard from H since the e-card. I remember him saying these last 2 weeks were going to be rough, tests and all. Anyway, I did find out that he never opened up the card I sent in reply to his missing me card (it said I do too). I know there are a lot of times he doesn't even check his mail let alone delete anything. So it's probably sitting in there layered in junk mail. I'm not worried that he ignored it, i'm more worried that he didn't think i replied to it. I know it's nothing to really be concerned with, it's something that will be cleared up when we talk, but still...<p>That's about all the excitement in my life right now. I hope all is well with you. <p>Take care,
K

I am soooooooo happy to hear from you!<p>Things here are perking right on along. not much has changed. My step daughter is still being picked on in school....it isn't so much that she is the only white kid in a school of 450 navajo students (She is part cherokee). It is that she is too smart....go figure. The other kids have been so dumbed down that it isn't funny. I think we will be putting her in a private christian school before too long.<p>The W is same-o same-o. I am very frustrated these days...what else is new. We did get paid today. Our first check back at the old school. We get paid every two weeks and what we made today, we used to get paid once a month. Hey, if this thing doesn't work out, we can always use a good science teacher.....just a thought.<p>Stay in touch.
Fred

ok, spent hours talking to H on computer tonight. mostly about nothing but we were talking about an outstanding check he has owed to him. joking around i said i'd talk to them and show them who is boss. he said that i should i need to be the boss in other situations too to get things done. when i asked him what situations he said nevermind and wouldn't talk about it anyfurther.<p>could it be he meant us? do you think he is waiting for me to just tell him how it is?<p>I told him i missed him and he said "are you positive" but he never said it back. i didn't expect him too, but he said it last week. this is so frustrating. <p>he is not going out like he used to, and is even going to church now. so there are positive things which is good. I guess i'm just becoming impatient and must remember "little steps"<p>oh well, just venting.<p>g'nite

Hey there;<p>I think yuou are on the right track. I think your H is actually waiting for you to show up on his doorstep and say 'Ta-Da....I'm Here.' <p>At some point you have to stop talking and take a deep breath, count to ten, say a little prayer, make sure you know what you are doing....and just pack the car and show up on his doorstep and say, 'Here I am.'<p>I wish I know what else to tell you. You are at a point where you or he, needs to do SOMETHING and kick this thing in the butt and find out what will happen. You won't know until you do it.<p>Let's review;<p>A -- You pack up and leave and head out and show up on his doorstep and he invites you in and you have what you need to have....a heart to heart, face to face talk and you work everything out and live happily after.
<p>B -- You show up and after your face to face, you BOTH decide that it won't work and you go on with your life and use your education to do what you want to do and when you least expect it, BOOM, you meet mr right and you still live happily after.<p>The only loser in this entire mess is going to be him because he can't see that he is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him.<p>Just my opinion.
Fred

Hi <p>You are right, one of us needs to do something and it will probably have to be me. I think H might be to afraid to say it and perhaps wants to know it was my decision so it may lessen any guilt he has. We are both probably waiting for the other one to do something all out of fear.<p>He wrote me a brief e-mail this morning upon hearing of the plane crash in NY. My brother lives within 10 miles of there and he was checking in to see if he was ok. That meant a lot to me, it was a nice gesture.<p>Anyway, hope all is well. You sound in much better spirits then you did over a week ago. Keep it up. Write soon.
Kathy

I think that you are right. One of you has to poop or get off the pot....(Sorry, another of those quaint western expressions....)<p>Anyhooo....Sit down at the table, put it all down on paper...what it will take to move and get out there. Put down the pros and cons....then take a good long look at it and.....walk away for 24 hours....go to the beach, take a day off....do something different. Then come back and look at it and if it is still there in your heart that you love this man and want to have a life with him....then pack that car and GO.<p>As for things here....not really better. I am still as frustrated as ever. Of course the holidays are not going to be any better. We will be going here there and everywhere and she will not be in the mood for love....just in the mood to shop [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, gotta go, she is probably wondering where I am and if I am going to come home tonite....<p>Take care and if you want to bounce that pro and con list off me....go right ahead.<p>More later
fred

Hey there,<p>Sorry for not getting back, never did the pro-con thing the other day. Didn't really feel like thinking about it.<p>Well, tomorrow is my 1 year anniverary. Pretty sucky way to spend it, eh? Don't know if H will even acknowledge it. I sent him a card with a note in it telling him that I love him and whatever the future holds for us that I will be his friend and want his happiness. Probably won't get there til' Mon though. I sent it late wed. <p>H sent me a forward the other day, first time in a looonnngg time. Little while later he sent a photo of him w/some lab partners. He only sent it to his family and no one else. I'm glad that he thought of me that way.<p>Well, just ranting on right now. Keep thinking of what we were doing this exact time last year. We were in Jamaica probably in the hot tub [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . How long ago that feels but not exactly so. Oh well, nothing I can do about it, it is in the past.<p>Hope all is well,
Kathy

Sorry for not getting back to you until now...computer in the office was down. I hope you made it through the anniversary day. <p>I want you to know that I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. We are off to Phoenix to lounge at the pool and visit with my wifes relatives. <p>Gotta go for now....have to finish cleaning the car that is setting in my shop right now.<p>Take care.<p>Fred

HI fishlady, I was wondering about your post name... but then read about your career in marine bilogy... I did not get to read everything and am kind of busy right now and sick to my stomach... ill... so I will keep this short... wanted to mention since I am a texan that there is a water type business... aguamarina springs I think right outside of austin, maybe in georgetown where you might find a job... ask hubby about this, email me back if you need more info, that would be better than san antonio... you can better resolve your problems together than apart. <p>Much luck, lisa [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi again, out of curiosity I search in google and found Aquamarina Springs in San Marcos, of all towns, I think a lot of college kids work there... Go for it if you love him.. he is in school and needs to stay in school, you can go there and work... give it a try and go be with him if you want the marriage.... Granted I did not read all your posts, but I say being together is much better than all this seperation... seperation doesn't really help anything in my mind! LOL! LIsa

Hi Honey, thanks for your replies and the suggestion. I'll definately look into it. H is new to the area (6 months) and hasn't been exploring outside the Austin area, so I doubt he knows much about it.<p>What's holding me back from moving there right now is our indesciveness. He is afriad of not being able to handle it and hurt us both all over again. That includes guilt if I were to move there for him. I'm afraid of him freaking out again and for me getting hurt. Unfortunately, my limbo land is, although maddening at times, it is safe.<p>I am beginning to think though that a decision has to be made one way or another. However safe my world is right now, it is not living. I do believe he misses me at times, but can't get himself to say it. Even though our last few talks have been very casual over the internet, it is nice to be able to have fun again w/ each other. For awhile, too much of our time was spent trying to solve things with words which became frustrating.<p>I haven't read your story yet, but got the gist of it from your post. Sorry for what you are going through. What part of TX are you from? <p>Again, I appreciate your ideas.
Take care,
Kathy

Here's a turn of events...<p>Got a phone call at 4:30 am Fri. night from H. He had been out drinking w/ roommate and decided to call me. Felt bad about the time after forgetting the time difference (yeah, 3:30 would have been much better [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>We start chatting and he tells me he has been thinking a lot about me and wants to tell me what he feels but that he would only tell me another night as he didn't think I would believe him since he had been drinking. <p>So, we continue talking and he tells me that he wants me to come to Texas. He had talked to his roommate about it and he said to let him know, he can be out in Jan. since he has a friend who could use a roommate.<p>Well, we talk some more, but basically he didn't want my decision just yet. He said again that we'd talk more later. <p>Surprise, eh?<p>I'll keep you posted,
K

Sounds promising.....<p>Fred

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by fishlady:
<strong>My husband and I are separated and looks like we are heading for divorce. We are in desperate need of marriage counseling but he refuses to go because he is convinced it won't work. He even has free counseling at his school, but that doesn't help either.<p>We've only been married 7 months, and I don't want my marriage to end. I still love him, but he says he isn't in love with me anymore, and can't be sexual with me. He has a long history of depression and I believe that is where our problems come from, but he says he was just unhappy in our marriage, to forget him, and find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. <p>We have to wait for another 6 months before filing, so I want to use this time for counseling with hopes we can get through it.<p>Any ideas on what to do?</strong><hr></blockquote>

It seems as if he wants to make no effort at making this marriage work, and he's probably seeing someone else. Don't set yourself up to be hurt even more.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by fishlady:
<strong>My husband and I are separated and looks like we are heading for divorce. We are in desperate need of marriage counseling but he refuses to go because he is convinced it won't work. He even has free counseling at his school, but that doesn't help either.<p>We've only been married 7 months, and I don't want my marriage to end. I still love him, but he says he isn't in love with me anymore, and can't be sexual with me. He has a long history of depression and I believe that is where our problems come from, but he says he was just unhappy in our marriage, to forget him, and find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. <p>We have to wait for another 6 months before filing, so I want to use this time for counseling with hopes we can get through it.<p>Any ideas on what to do?</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Kathy;<p>Long time no hear....what's up?<p>Happy Christmas-time<p>Fred

Hi Fred,<p>Sorry haven't posted in awhile, been battling some sort of weird virus-thingy. Had it for over a week now and can't shake it.<p>Have news...H has decided he wants to try and has asked me to come to TX! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Things so far are good and I'll probably be moving in Jan. He has said he sincerely wants to make this work, and is going to try his best. He's mostly been saying the right things but I'm not too concerned with that right now because I know that once i'm there the real work begins.<p>I'm still being very cautious though, haven't gotten mushy on him and haven't told him I loved him. I want that to wait until we are together and the moment seems right.<p>He even said he wants us to re-marry. This time in a church. It really touched me to hear he has been thinking about these things, it's as if his old self is poking through the fog. Let's see if the sun definately stays out this time.<p>I'll be moving in to his apartment as his roommate offered to leave, he found a place closer to campus which is what he wanted anyway. H told his parents and they are glad but they too are cautious. I think that is the same from everybody. Everyone wants to know if he is sincere, but there is no way to tell that right now until i'm there. All I can go on is what he says right now, and it seems sincere. Again, i'm being cautious.<p>I've been meaning to post, but everytime I sit down I just feel so tired and worn out. I'm off to bed right now to crash.<p>How's things with you?? Hope it is well.<p>Have a happy holiday season.
ho ho ho...
Kathy