My w has been asking me the following question lately and I'm not sure how to answer it, whether to love bust or lie<BR>The question is:<BR>How would you feel if someone met all your needs like the op is doing for her, wouldn't you turn to them ?

I guess I would agree that everyone can be tempted. We do not have to act on our temptations.<P>If we know what is right, and do what is wrong it is either by choice of weakness. One seeks to avoid pain or seek pleasure. Out of the two, avoiding pain usually wins. We tend to do what is easiest. We tend to do what we percieve is best for our own interests. Selfish is the word when we put our own interests ahead of others and the others suffer.<P>Marriage or any relationship, even job, is a combination of dedication and constraint.<P>Dedication is you want to do what is right and you want to do your best. Internal constraint is choosing your actions based on your values and beliefs even when it isn't easy. External constraint is whatever influences us. Sadly society today puts little constraint on a marriage. Many times family and friends do not either.<P>So to sum up, the answer would be. Could turning to someone that I percieve to meet my needs in the moment be tempting? Maybe. Is that reason enough to act on that temptation? That depends on an individual's value and belief system. It is a matter of character.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I would turn to her with the most serious of tone and say "Since I know first hand the pain that it causes all other people involved I would run, not walk away screeming at the top of my lungs STAY AWAY FROM ME, it's just not worth the destruction, besides it's all based on lies and deciet. You asked me this question too late, I know both sides of the coin...."

I'd say, No - instead I would communicate my needs to my spouse and try to find ways for my spouse to meet those needs. And I would ask myself what I could do to meet the needs of my spouse. <P>I would NOT turn to the other person because right is right and wrong is wrong. I am responsible for my own happiness, and I am responsible for my relationship with my spouse. Hopefully, my spouse wants to meet my needs. But if he/she doesn't, happiness is MY responsibility.

RWD, I would say no. Of course, my opinion is very biased! Marriage is a commitment. If my spouse were not meeting my needs it is my job to communicate my needs. If my spouse still does not meet my needs, either because they can't or won't, then it is time to move on. Not all marriages work, but there is never an excuse to turn to someone else while still committed to marriage.

RWD,<P>I would answer her as follows:<P>"If my partner were not willing to learn what my needs are and how to meet them or if my partner did not care whether my needs were met or not, then I would turn to the other person. In our marriage, I am willing to learn what your needs are and how to meet them, and I care more than anything that I meet your needs. Can we make time together to share what our needs are?" <P>If you put commitment to the marriage first and that is why you stay together, then you have to have a partner who is also willing to stick it out whether or not their needs are met. Obviously, that does not bode well for a fulfilling, happy marriage, but the pride in doing "what is right" might be their priority. To each their own. In your case, your wife gave you an opening to find out about her needs and to be proactive--meet them before she leaves!<P>Betrayer, your point is right on. Sometimes a person must move on, but doing so after the marriage is over is the proper time to do it.

An affair can never meet ALL my needs. Because I have a great need to be a responsible, honest, trustworthy person of integrity. I have a need to be the best parent I can be. I have a need to keep my promises, including my wedding vows. I have a need to look back from my deathbed and be proud of the life I have led.

Everybody's right on about this RWD!!<P><BR>Come up with a response that combines all of these aspects and your answer is all set.<P>Let us know how it goes when you get the opportunity to give it to her.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

RWD,<P>Unless the OM is paying all of her bills he can't be possibly be meeting all of her needs. Does he support her financially?