Hi all:<BR> We have been married just over two years. About 2 months ago I came accross some emails innocently enough on his computer. They were to/from a woman he works with who he considers a friend. I am fine with his being friends, but there were lots of emails. I read a few, and found that he was expressing feelings to her. Saying he could be happy with her, but that he was stuck with me. I won't go into details. I confronted him, he said he told her how he felt, and then moved on with his life. I believed him, and had been working on regaining trust. <P> This last week he has started acting more strange again, and his behavior this morning made me very suspiscious. The other woman has moved out of state, but I was sure he was still contacting her somehow. I dug around a little and found an online email account he had with her name as the password (good guess on my part). I read the emails, and find that just 2 days ago he told her his offer (?) still stands and that he wants her in his life. <P> I suspect that he will continue to hide this better each time if I confront him. I also suspect that he is waiting to hear from her. Perhaps if she doesn't want him he will come back to me with open arms. Who knows. <P> I am looking for any input / support / opinions that anyone has to offer. I am trying not to make a rash decision on how I react to this. <P> Thank you for your time!<BR> blueyz

I feel your pain! My H and I have been married just about 2 years. Before we were married, he "quit smoking". Well, apparently everyone knew that he hadn't, but me. Well, needless to say, I feel like our marriage isn't exactly whole. I feel as if I have been lied to the last 10 years of my life, and do not know how I'll ever be able to trust him again. I want to suggest counseling, but he is very hard to talk to. I guess I'm not offering much help, but it feels good to vent. Any suggestions?

I know the trust thing. I have yet to find a work around for it. I still havent' confronted him, but last time I did, he didn't seem to think this was a reason for me to not trust him, which outraged me. <P>I have started going to counseling on my own, since he won't go. It helps to have someone to talk to. <P>Good luck ... and keep your head up. I'm trying to. <P>blueyz

I was one of the ignorant people who thought sending emails back and forth, (since it was on a computer and not in person) was okay and not cheating, since it isnt real. Well that was totally wrong! I regret all of it.<BR>I was caught by my husband. He confronted me (after 3 months of not knowing what was wrong with me) and after being cornered, I told him I wanted to leve him. I hurt him so terribly bad, and I hate what I did to our marriage. We had an awesome marriage until he had the 2nd job for about 8 months. <BR>Well I can tell you from my experience that the cyber relationship was not anything worth leaving him for. <BR>I didnt really ever want to leave him, either, I just reacted because I didnt know what to do when he caught me. I now want my wonderful husband back, and I will do anything possible to fix it. I had been lonley (he was working 2 jobs) and that was very stupid of me. I dont know what triggered your husband, but with me it was because I needed attention, and I wasnt getting it from him like I thought I should be. And that is absolutely NO excuse. Hopefully your husband will open his eyes sooner than I did, and not do something he will regret just because he was caught and confronted with it. I dont know what to suggest, but thought maybe you would like to hear from someone who actually was having one of those email relationships and felt guilty about it <P>I wish you the best<BR>tryin2fixit

<BR>Hi, Blue,<BR>You have every right in the world to put your foot down, and put it down now! Take it from one who's "been there", this is time to get serious. It is clear that your H is having at the very least an EA, and an EA is just one opportunity away from being a PA. <P>Have you tried Dr. Harley's Plan A yet? Complete and TOTAL honesty is needed in your marriage, and it's needed right now. Your H's feelings for another woman could develop into something much more serious--and if you do nothing at this point, you will only have yourself to blame later on. He told this woman that he wants her in his life: so, where does that leave YOU? Are you wanted in his life, too...or...?? This is something you need to find out about and the sooner the better.<P>He is cheating on you by professing his feelings for another woman TO her, and dont' let him convince you otherwise! My H tried that one on me, and it didn't wash with me. "She's just a friend." Right. "We have some things in common." Yeah. The whole purpose of marriage is for two to become one--and when a partner steps outside those bounds, the bond is broken.<P>You need to sit down with him and tell him it's time to put it all on the table, and that means YOU being honest with him, too. You have to tell him how you know what you know. I know that's hard, but having it done it myself, believe me when I tell you that it is MUCH harder on the one who is guilty of being a WS! Just let him know that you need to know, one way or the other, what is on his mind and what he wants. If it isn't you, then you have to be prepared for that. But...you can't get anywhere by hiding the truth, so good luck to you and do what you know you have to do.<P>Hugs..<BR>Winny<p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 10, 2001).]

small piece of advice? Don't confront him. I am going thru something a little like that and I did confront my husband and now I am in jeopardy of loosing the love of my life. Until you actually catch him doing something physical with her let it go, it may just be an emotional output on his part. My husband says I was never there to talk to and he found her to talk to and be nice to him. If only I had known----I would have been the one to be nice to him.

blueyz --<p>I'm sorry for these problems in your life. It's very hard to take and certainly hard to understand it all, frustrating and painful.<p>I'm glad you're in counseling; you need that for you! It does help to have someone to talk to. We're here too anytime you need to chat or vent between counseling sessions.<p>Sometimes confronting too early is not smart because the A just goes deeper underground. On the other hand, how long can you go on knowing what you know and not addressing it with him? Not fair to you in either case but I believe that it must be dealt with. If confronting doesn't happen, he's living a lie and you're living a lie. Two wrongs don't...well, you know. I think this needs to be aired out--for you and for the relationship. What's your counselor say? <p>Winneytoo is right: your H is CHEATING on you. As hard as it is, you need to get it all out. It's part of your responsibility to your marriage.<p>Hang in there and please post again and let us know how you're doing. We care...<p>Ammon<p>Catbird: I must disagree. An emotional A is just as damaging and maybe more so than a PA; more insidious and threatening long-term and takes a lot longer for recovery. Waiting until you "catch him doing something physical" is just asking for bigger trouble than you've already got--then you've got two major and deadly issues: a EA and a PA! I understand where you are with this and I understand why (I posted to your message in the Resolving Conflicts forum) but you need to remember the Doormat Syndrome--you didn't cause your partner to have his A; he CHOSE to do it, he decided to act. You want to blame yourself (if only...) but while you may not have done everything right (who does?), this isn't your fault! Nothing you did or didn't do caused his A; you can't walk on eggshells about it. It's not fair to you and it's not realistic.