I am 35 years old and have been married to a wonderful man for 15 years. We have two beautiful children and a wonderful life together. With the exception of a close encounter two years ago I have been faithful to my husband. I was date raped at a very young age (14) and a few years following this, became very sexually active. I'm not sure what I was looking for... But I looked a lot. Until I met my husband.<P>Recently I came across an old diary that I had left at my mom's. I brought it home and put it in a drawer. Well, guess who found it. I had never been totally honest about my past. My husband had very few sexual partners and a deep religious background. I didn't think he would be able to handle the total truth and I didn't want to lose him. He read the diary from front to back and practically memorized it. It was very graphic and when I read it, it seems like it wasn't even me. I can't even remember half of what was in there. My husband seems to be hung up on the details and wants to know everything there is to tell. Particularly the six months preceding our meeting. Why can't I remember? I did do a lot of drinking and drugs in my younger days - maybe that's it. Or maybe I just wanted to move on so badly, that I blocked it from my mind. Or do women just have the ability to put that stuff away forever? <P>Two years ago, we were having some communication problems - we weren't meeting each others most important emotional needs. That's when the close encounter occurred. My husband found out about this too. We sought counseling and even at that point, I couldn't be totally honest about my sexual experience. I think that's what's hurting him the most. In addition, he has all these pictures in his mind of me with all these other men. He thinks he doesn't compare.<P>My husband loves me so much and I can't believe the way I've hurt him. How I wish I could just make it all go away! Since this happened (the day after my husband turned 40) I have been trying to show him how much I truly love him. Our lovemaking these last few weeks has been frequent and passionate. Quite often afterwards, though, he zones out and I know he has images in his mind. Sometimes he'll ask questions, but I never have the right answers.<P>I truly love my husband and know I can be faithful to him for the rest of my life. How can I help him get through the pain??<P>[This message has been edited by wildchild (edited July 04, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by wildchild (edited July 04, 2001).]

Your H has a loy to deal with, finding this out suddenly, plus the knowldege that you were unfaithful to him recently (whether "close encounter" means full intercourse or not, I'm sure he feels betrayed).<P>You will probably do best following the plan for rebuilding trust and the marriage following an affair.<P>Great place to start:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A>

Hi wildchild, your situation is so close to mine i almost didn't respond thinking that my wife posted this message. My wife also misrepresented herself to me before we were married and i found out the truth about her past after 13 yrs of being together by reading her diarys, i read them a year and a half ago. She had about 12 journals she had written and her past sounds very much like yours one of the diffences is that she spent over 15 yrs living this kind of life style. She lied to me in the begining of our relationship and contiued to lie about her past when i told her about reading the journals. The truth hurt but the lying hurt worse and made me feel there is no way i could ever trust her again. Maybe me can help each other. I can barley discuss this with my wife because I know most of what she says are lies.Maybe you can help me understand why she was like she was and continues to lie about it and I might be able to help you understand how your husband may be feeling. I don't know if this will help either one of us but i do know i've been searching for someone in a similiar situation for over a year. It's almost all i can think of. It has changed my life and my life with my wife. We also have 2 children.<BR>h

Hello Wyldchyld,<BR>Hey don't feel bummed about the past at all. It was apart of you back then. It's kinda like a tattoo. At the time you loved it but now it's kind of questionable in certain occassions. I look back at my past and smile with a chuckle like an old man. I'm not condoning a reckless lifestyle but to hang on to guilt is a devilish-prosecuters job. Just look at the tattoo and reminisce your childhood. <BR>You've put away the childish things. Hey just be careful your children don't find the book. Now that could be dangerous.

Hey Wildchild;<P>First of all, your husband had no business going through your diaries. My W has loads of diaries around the house and packed away and she has asked that I do not go through them....That is her personal business and not mine. I am sure that your H has some skeletons in his closet that you don't need to know about.<P>What he is getting hung up on is the past, it is done, gone and outta here, it can not come back to haunt you unless both of you allow it to.<P>Yes, I took a peek at my W's diary once. I didn't like what I read. But at the same time, she tells me that she wants to be with me and until she tells me differently, that is what I have to believe.<P>The only crisis here, if you truly love each other, is that he violated your privacy. My God woman, you have been married for 15 years, two kids. If something wasn't going to work, it would not have worked by now. Your diary now has no bearing except to remind you in your old age that you were a 'wildchild'.....<P>Don't let this ruin your marriage....

I, too had a somewhat sordid past in some of my "young and stupid" years. Although I have not gone into explicit detail about it with my (new) husband, alot of which, I too have put in the far back attic of my memory, I have always been completely honest with him, that he wasn't was first walk around the block as it were. I even would joke that "I've tasted every flavor of ice cream in the store, but he oughta know I like (his name here) flavor best". I think what matters most is the here and now. The past is the past- but on that same token honesty is of the utmost importance. If you had kept that part of your past a complete secret from him, I can understand his hurt. Like and earlier poster has noted- you've been together and happy for so long he should know of your complete and utter love for him. <BR>What you can do is to try to get him to be forthcoming with how he feels about the whole thing and offer a sympathetic ear. His religious background and prior inexperience probably has a lot to do with why he is having trouble moving on. Try a role- playing exercise where you are him and try to vocalize out loud to him how you think he might be feeling about it to show him that you comepletely understand his point of view and you will do your best to help him resolve his negitive feelings, move on, and learn from the whole thing. Try to explain to him where you were coming from in those days and how much you have grown and changed since then- changes that resulted in you growing so much that fate brought the two of you together as life partners. Its a very windy road that leads some of us to where we are today, and some wisdom is learned the hard way. It may have not taken him such a bumpy road to be ready for mature commitment with an indivual, as it did you, but that does not mean you are any less a valid, loving life partner for him. Talk, talk, talk, - try to talk about it intellectually- what causes young girls (and boys) to be young, stupid, and promiscious. Show him by your actions, leave no doubt in his mind that you are not the same person who wrote those diaries. You are a much more mature, committed, wiser, caring, karma conscious person, that by knowing him, have learned what it truly is to love another person.<BR>Good luck!

Of course, what you did before you got married should be disregarded by your husband as past history. However, there is no excuse for screwing around on your husband 2 years ago. You committed adultery not just a close encounter. When your husband looks at this more recent immoral behaviour in light of your promiscuous past the only conclusion that he can arrive at is that you are still the same immoral person that you were before you married. The fact is you were dishonest with him. The fact is you fell back on your old behaviour when you had a marriage problem with your husband. This is what worries him. Can you blame him?

Hmm... close encounter- yeah, I didn't really address that in my reply. What *is* that exactly? A serious flirtation with someone else? A passionate make out session? Or a full-on affair? Perhaps its not your far past that's bugging him, but your more recent dishonesty, coupled with your dishonesty about the past along with that. You two have got some serious talkin' to do. You've got to trust him to love you lumps and all, but you must also be completely understanding about his trust issues with you. He has good reason, because of the "close encounter" to mistrust you. From now on, you must be an open book with him. You must answer truthfully every question he throws your way, even if you think he might be hurt. If he's not doin' the talkin', you're gonna have to do it for him, by putting yourself in his shoes and imagine what he might be feeling and what kinda stuff might be going through his head. My advice is still talk, talk, talk.<BR>And remember- "forsaking *all* others". That's a serious vow. Give the guy a break for having a hard time with this. I probably would- and not about your past- mine's certainly checkered as well- its about your honesty in the present and your fidelity in the recent past. Hopefully you'll work it out.

I see a long of posts here but no reply from wildchild, what is that?<BR>h

I thought I better take a minute to reply to you all since you've been so kind to reply to me. my H and I have been reading the posts and I've been trying to decide how to reply. We've spent the last week or so spending a LOT of time together and talking a LOT. I'm trying really hard to answer all of his questions - I need to make him realize that he is the one that changed my life. That I am a better person because of him. I truly believe that and I am so committed to saving my marriage.<P>FreddyB - Thank you for the wake up call. I'm not really upset the my H violated my privacy. I think he was looking for something in the cupboard and then once he had his hands on it, couldn't help himself. I think I feel too guilty about having secrets of this kind - what he did is minor compared to what I've done... When my H read your post he couldn't agree more with what you said. You really hit the nail on the head. But I have a feeling it's easier said than done - especially because I haven't always been totally honest. Why should he believe me now when I tell him he is everything to me? This is what I need to make him see. I think also you helped us realize that we have built a life together and that neither of us can imagine life now any other way. Thank you!<P>Blokeysgurl - I did own up to some of my past before we were married. In fact, I met him at a party and slept with him the first night I met him. He had a clue from the beginning... I didn't go into any details, but my husband knew I was experienced. In hindsight, now he says he knew there was more to it, but never asked the right questions and I didn't offer the information. I think what he's having hard time dealing with now is the number and how easy it was for me to have sex with really no feelings for the other person. I also think he wonders if he was just the idiot that fell in love with me when nobody else would. Your post really helped me. I figure I just have to prove to him how much I really do love him - that I'm not the same person I was then. Not even close! <P>For some background information, the close encounter happened with a guy at work. My H and I have been trying to remember the events that led up to this night, but really can't pinpoint it. All I know for sure was that we weren't doing a lot of talking nor were we doing much lovemaking. I felt like he didn't take much interest in me other than for sex and that I was just kind of non-existent. He was doing a lot of fishing and stuff with his single friends and I felt he liked being with them better than he liked being with me (he has admitted to feeling this way on occasion). He felt like I wasn't interested in him sexually and that bothered him a lot (since then we've determined that I'm way more sexually interested in him when he's emotionally supportive to me). Some coworkers and I went out to the bar for my birthday. This man and I got to talking and I started blabbing about how my H and I had been together for so many years, why I thought he didn't he appreciate me, blah, blah, blah. This guy said all the right things, made me feel interesting, worthwhile and beautiful. One thing led to another and we ended up making out in my car. I do want to point out, though, I put a stop to it. I knew in my heart I did not want to cross that line - I believe it does exist. <P>In the two years since this has happened, we have made great progress. I'm being more affectionate to him which seems to be what he needs, and he's being more responsive to my emotional needs. This latest episode, though, has given my H more reason to doubt me. Supposedly I came clean two years ago when I told him I had five partners. I wish I would've been able to bring myself to tell him the total truth then!<P>Max - You are absolutely right! In the eyes of God and in my husband's mind, I did commit adultery two years ago. The close encounter consisted of kissing, but even being with another man in this way constitutes a violation of my wedding vows. But, like I said above, we stopped before there was no turning back. I also think that during that past two years we've worked through that issue. We know why we weren't as happy as we should be for awhile and we're both determined that it won't happen again. For what it's worth...<P>Howard - Seems like one big difference between your situation and mine is that I'm done with the lies. I am answering every question that my H poses to me as best as I can - even if the answer sometimes is "I don't know." In a strange way, I feel almost relieved. Now he truly "knows" me - my good and my bad. I can't tell you why your wife chose to have multiple partners. If I think about me, I would have to say it probably really has something to do with the rape - I'm not sure but I think sometimes girls lose their sense of worth following a rape and they become promiscuous. Another thing I've thought of, is that I wanted a "real" boyfriend so bad, that I think I might have thought if I could get them in bed, then they would like that and subsequently get to know me and find out they liked me for a person as well (which never happened until I met my husband). I should point out that the timeframe that this was going on in my life was between my 15th and 19th birthdays. I did a lot of messing around in four short years...<P>We've decided to seek counseling. My H went alone on Friday and he did a lot of talking. He brought my diaries with after making sure it was okay with me first. We thought that maybe if the counselor could read it, he might be able to tell me why I wrote of these flowery encounters with such great sex when I only remember feeling unhappy. I'm going alone next Friday and I must admit I'm pretty nervous. This man is going to read some pretty shocking stuff and I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel. I've decided I want to do it, though, if it'll help.<P>What do you think - are we going to be okay????<P><p>[This message has been edited by wildchild (edited July 15, 2001).]

What I am curious about is why you would keep diaries that reveal your promiscuous past. Why wouldn't you destroy evidence that reflect this shameful past. Why would you bring these dirty books into your home. Maybe you wanted your husband to find the truth about you.

I brought them home to get them out of my mom's garage. I guess I wanted to read them because I was a little curious myself. I honestly don't remember much of it. I intended to destroy them following that; however, he found them first. Maybe somewhere deep inside I was hoping he would. In hindsight that's easy to say because I do feel a lot better - coming clean so to speak. Now with the exception of a few missing months (that he definitely wonders about) he knows every thought I ever had. At first I was kicking myself for being so stupid, but now I'm relieved.