I am in a dilemma. About 2 ½ years ago my wife of 10 years betrayed me. And I will admit my mistake of slapping her rather hard up the side of the head when I found out – something I’ll always regret. After much anguish and thought I decided to stick it out and give her the chance she asked for to repair our relationship. I’ll admit that to a large part I decided this for the sake of our kids.<P>So, we sat down and discussed what to do. I told her that I had a hard time trusting her now, that my “manhood” was insulted and she’d made me feel inadequate. She needed to go the “extra mile” to repair our relationship.<P>“What can I do?”, she asked <P>“Well, you can start by making me the priority that I’ve always wanted to be in your life. We rarely go out or spend time alone together. Show me that this relationship can be your number one priority. Improve our sex life. Be more sensitive and have some empathy for me.”<P>Three weeks later she took a full-time job. Of course this has gotten in the way of her making our relationship #1. She has finally admitted that she took the job because I hit her and she was afraid she’d be on her own. Yes, she’s too afraid to be on her own but she’ll stay with me anyway.<P>Now here I am, 2 ½ years later and here’s what I get from her:<BR>1. Completely unsatisfying sex life.<BR>2. Little affection.<BR>3. The last time we went out or spent time together was six months ago.<BR>4. Incredible lack of trust from HER! She must know where I’m at, even demands to meet me for lunch every day, snoops through me stuff, even work stuff.<BR>5. She has become very combative and insists that she’s done everything I’ve asked her to do, even when I’m telling her the opposite. “Well, am I not entitled to an opinion? I can’t be perfect you know!”, is her standard reply anymore. Even if I’m explaining to her my feelings!<BR>6. Few promises she makes to me are kept. At least that’s my “opinion”. Her “opinion” is different, and she tells me so, regardless of how it makes me feel or what I say.<P>I’ll admit I’m no saint - I’m hot tempered - but this is becoming intolerable. She complains that I’m asking too much, that she can’t be perfect, that she’s got too much work to do (Hey, I do help out around the house too)! I feel I’ve been more than patient and compromising with her and tried to work things out; after all she betrayed me. <P>What can/should I do? <BR>Just accept it and go on for the kids sake?<BR>Is there some other approach I can use to get her to work with me in getting out of this rut?<BR>Or should I just divorce her and move on with the rest of my life?<P>------------------<BR>Bernie in PA

You're not going to like this reply. <P>Why should she want to be in marriage with a person that sounds so totally like a control freak?<P>Go back and read your post. All those I statements and me statements. What are you going to do for her?<P>Also, once you hit her, she could never trust you again...did you ever think of that? The common rule in relationships is that if the other party hits you, you are out of the relationship....<P>'Your manliness had been insulted" What the hell does that mean?<P>You are asking too much. It does not seem to me that you are willing to give anything in return. She is a human being, she has rights, desires, dreams just as you do and she deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. <P>She is not your slave or your whore...don't treat her that way.<P>

I really hope you'll both consider counseling. It definitely saved my marriage. When my husband was trying to justify his affair with my best friend, I threw a ceramic dish in his direction. It didn't hurt him but it did shatter. So I can relate to your feeling of uncontrollable anger. That was almost 6 years ago and since then with counseling, I have only been physical once when angry. I know you would both benefit. With trust issues, anger management and most importantly how to communicate. <P>An affair is the worst thing to have to work through. But it is very worth it in the long run. I hope you will both consider this, it's very valuable. You may have to shop around for a counselor you both like. Good luck.

Wow! Even with complete strangers my words and actions seems to cause venom!!!<P>As for being "a control freak", perhaps you should ask a few questions prior to passing judgement upon me. “….all those I and me statements”? Goodness, you're just like my wife.......passing judgement without all the facts.<P>So, let me "inform" you:<BR>1) I warned the "other man" and my wife NO CONTACT between them.<BR>2) Two days later I caught them red-handed together obviously right after a nice, long session of screwing around.<BR>3) I beat the living **** out of him. My wife was stuck when she attempted to intervene on his behalf. I cannot understand the immediate defensive reaction some people take with this. What was I suppose to do, hug her and shake his hand? Ask if they had a good time?<BR>4) I moved out……SHE TRACKED ME DOWN……and asked me back. Which I did for the reasons I stated.<BR>5) She made me promises as the basis of staying together……promises that have not been kept.<BR>6) I have never hit her since the day I caught her buck-naked with someone else.<BR>7) I posted my original message after finding an address book belonging to my wife with you know whose name in it!<BR>8) She is now possessive, snooping and wants to know my every move I believe because of the lack of trust between us. To sum up what I think she’s saying: “I screwed around, so you will too”.<P>As for my “manliness being insulted”……..I really don’t think you’d understand. But here goes anyway – I’ve repressed my sex drive for years just to be with her. She has always claimed “you sex drive is just higher than mine.” Then she screws around? Give me a break!<P>“…..a human being, …….rights, desires, dreams just as you do and she deserves to be treated with respect and dignity……” Your post seems to imply that she’s the only one entitled to such. Don’t I receive the same?<P>“She is not your slave or your whore...don't treat her that way.” I have no idea where you got that. Perhaps you should re-read my first message……I am asking, no, begging her to be my partner. To do things with me. “Slave”? “Whore”? Give me a break!<P>Anyway, thanks for your comments. And its not that I didn’t like your reply, you made some valid points. But where’s a solution or ideas?

No one should put up with a mediocre marriage. If both of you are unhappy then what is the point of staying married. If your marriage cannot be fixed than the logical next step is to divorce.

You're not going to like my answer either.<P>But, from the tone of your post(s) it doesn't sound like you are accepting any responsibility for the affair. I too will advise that you both need some counselling. I would also recommend one of the books, either His Need Her Needs or Surviving and affair. Either way, you need to both sit down and talk "peacefully" and rationally about what's happened and how you can repair the damage. You have a lot of anger that is bottled up and potentially dangerous, do everything you can to control that when the two of you talk, dont let it get in the way or whatever is resolved will be quickly destroyed. It would be like 2 steps forward 3 steps back. Every time you lose your anger and "blow up" you lose credits.

Ok You will be happy with me I think! lol<BR>I totally disagree with those who are putting you down. You did nothing wrong here from what I can see. You were there for her she is the one sneaking around and having the affairs. You are the one who wasnt getting sex from your wife but some strange man was. I can totally see you going off the wall and knocking him out and blasting her one. People have been known to do worse when catching their spouses with their pants down. She asked you back so you could "work" it out. You said yes but she had to do some things to fix the damage SHE had caused. She hasnt done those things and because of you lack of trust in her she has no trust in you. If she can do it so can you. <BR>What you both need to do is sit down and be honest with each other. Can you imagine spending every day of your life without this woman? Can you picture her not there when you wake up? And the same for her. How important is she to you? How important are you to her? Is it really worth it? <BR>You marriage is a mess and I think your kids would be much happier if their parents were happier that is what you need to work on.<BR>Good luck!

Okay, here’s an update. I need some input please.<P>I have given it “one more college try”. Counseling was suggested and rejected outright by my wife. I’ve now developed the sense that my wife is ashamed of what she’s done. But it’s not a shame that is tender or heartfelt towards me. More so, she just wants it all to go away because she just can’t deal with it. <P>I told her that I sincerely wanted the past to be in the past. “We’ve both done things that are wrong. Let’s look to the future. What’s in it for us?” Her reply was that she wants a “happy, normal marriage”. Since I don’t know what that means I asked for specifics. This resulted in a major argument that hasn’t ended yet!!!!! She’s like: “Why I’m I dealing with this again!”<P>Simply put I am asking for a future together that gives both of us the maximum we can get. This means communication, understanding and compromise. I can’t even get her to explain to me in terms that I can understand what a “happy, normal marriage” is. Here’s what I think she really means: “You’re asking too much. I can’t be perfect and do everything right by you. Put what I did in the past because I can’t change it. Now go away, stop all this and take what I give you!”<P>I’ve now recognized that her tacit is to say “I can’t be perfect” or “I can’t do everything right by you” because there’s no possible comeback. But I’m not asking for any of that. I’m asking her to address specific issues or problems – like why I found her former lovers name and number in her address book – not be “perfect” or “do exactly what I want”. She speaking in global terms that really takes us right up to the edge of an abyss that allows no wiggle room to negotiate. To me the only way to resolve our problems is to take them one at a time, be specific and fix what’s truly causing the problem.<P>By the way, her idea of my being too demanding is:<BR>1) I’m asking for more sex than she wants to give. And this coming from the same woman that screwed around! Plus, part of our agreement that brought me back 2 ½ years ago was a promise from her that our sex life would improve. Now she has the gall to argue with me when I tell her that I’m still not satisfied. Is it too demanding to expect a promise to be kept? And what I want is nothing wild or outrageous.<BR>2) I’m asking her to do too much to spend time working on fixing our problems. What I’m asking for is time for us to go out, do things together, and rebuild our relationship. But she can’t do that? Maybe her job is getting in the way???<BR>3) I’m asking her to understand that the choices she makes are rather insensitive sometimes. And at her request I’ve given her specific examples. Such as – I tell her how I FEEL or how I’m HURT about something and she says, “Well, I disagree” or “I have a different opinion”. How can she disagree or having an opinion about me hurt feelings?<P><BR>Folks, what else can I do? What else to try? I do still want to work this out for the benefit of my wife our kids and me. But I’m reaching the point of INSANITY!

You need to lay her affiar to rest. I know its hard but it eating you alive and its not helpful to your relationship. On the other hand I dont think she wants to make this work, not one thing you said sounded like it was coming from a woman who cared about her marriage. Do you think she could still be having an affiar? I cant tell you what to do, none of us can. I would do what my heart tells me to do.

I had an Affair 4 years ago on my husband. He just found out last month after 4 years of suspicion. I hate to talk about it because it hurts and the guilt is hard to deal with. It feels like being stabbed a thousand times every time we talk about it. I know my husband needs to know some of the "grusome" details so he can move on, so I try to tell him everything even though it's so painful. I get disgusted when I think about the details, I cry a lot, and I just want to curl up in a ball, but I bear through it.<BR>Maybe you should try to ask your wife what she really wants out of life. Don't be demanding cause it will push her away from you, I know! When you talk about your opinion state "This is my opinion ect. or This how I feel ect."<BR>If I were you I would go to counseling with or without her, and maybe she'll try to go. Ask her to go just once to see that it's not so bad. I perfer a christian counseler. It has really helped us.<BR>Good luck my prayer's are with you both.S<BR>