Hi, Gang...<BR>Need some advice/help here. My H and I are on the road to recovery from his EA of last year. However, he just will not touch me. Our sex life is pretty sad right now and he welcomes my participation in stimulating him, but he will not respond in kind. He did touch me where it counts on two occasions since D day 8 months ago, but that's about it.<P>He has severe spinal problems and had surgery on it last year. He says that he doesn't touch me because he 'doesn't want to start something he can't finish.' I am very sensitive to his feelings and do not say anything that would make him feel bad about not being able to 'perform' like he used to. It is very difficult for him to reach a climax and I can understand and respect that.<P>But...I am starting to feel like I have leprosy or something! WHY won't he so much as touch my arm, reach for my hand, caress me at all?? It's driving me nuts and I'm afraid if I keep on hounding him about it, it will be a huge LB. <P>Could this be a reaction from guilt? Could it be embarrassment or fear that he's lost it for good?? What do both you guys and gals out there think? Any insight would be helpful to me. Many thanks!<P>Hugs...<BR>Winny

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Winnytoo:<BR><B>Could this be a reaction from guilt? Could it be embarrassment or fear that he's lost it for good?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My opinion is that he thinks he's lost it and is ashamed<BR>that he can't pleasure his wife. It's a tremendous blow<BR>to a man's self-esteem. It's very difficult to overstate<BR>this.<P>Now for my second dietary supplement suggestion for the day:<BR>buy some DHEA at the grocery store or pharmacy, in the supplements/vitamins section. Have him take 50mg and see<BR>what happens. He may need some zinc as well.<P>These two, combined, provide a 3-4 hour doubling of a guy's<BR>testoterone level WHICH DIRECTLY INFLUENCES THE STATE OF <BR>JOHNNY-BOY.<P>Bama

HI, Bama!<BR>Thanks for the suggestion re: the supplements. Next time I go to the store, I'm gonna write that down! I tried to do it from memory today and forgot the correct letters. The only letters I could remember were "STP" and figured I'd better not tell the clerk at the pharmacy that! Too embarrassed that I was such a lunk head, I left the store w/o anything for the problem. That's OK...I'm on the right track now.<P>Will let you know how it works out and thanks again for the help!<P>Hugs..<BR>Winny

It's funny, Bama, that you talked about the need for certain vitamins/supplements and I meant to mention this in my last post. As it so happens, my H works double shifts 6 days a week (yes! even in such pain)and eating a good meal is so far down on his list of priorities that it's a wonder he can function at all. He is one of those Type A personalities--that, plus my illness nearly sank us financially.<P>Also, he has a lot of anger beneath the surface at things that happened over the course of our 13 year marriage and he is just now getting it all out. Since I've been doing Plan A, I learned how to really listen to him, and have been filling those EN's that were so sorely lacking before. <P>What is bothering me, I guess, is that a few months back shortly after I found out about his EA (which he STILL steadfastly denies and says it was just a friendship), we were talking in bed one night and he said something that both hurt and shocked me. After asking him why he didn't want to have sex, he said "I just don't want to do it with you." In too much shock to answer that, I just lied there, numb with grief. Months later, I brought that up and he absolutley denied ever saying it. He said I 'heard him wrong', but I know I didn't. Afraid of LB'ing, I let the topic drop.<P>It is now about 8 months since D day and like I said in my first post, we are on the road to recovery. Things are much improved and we can actually sit down and talk together without a volcanic explosion AND, he really listens to me, too, which is a newie. Down deep, I feel he still has some kind of emotioanl attachment to the OW and that is what bothers me the most. I feel that attachment is blocking his ability to initiate physical contact with me because he is truly an honorable person. I think he feels deep guilt and doesn't know how to get past it.<P>My question now is, what if it IS guilt? How do I help him get over it? If I mention anything at all about the EA, that's a LB, right? How does one do this?<P>I would love to believe that his problem is totally physical or the way you described it, Bama. I know that not being able to have sex completely really does bother him. I guess I just didn't realize how much it bothers a man, so thanks for pointing that out to me.<P>Hope I get some responses to this!<BR>Hugs to all...<BR>Winny

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Winnytoo:<BR><B>"I just don't want to do it with you."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know. I really don't. Perhaps he could have<BR>said this because he was in denial about his sexual<BR>disfunction. Maybe not. It's a cruel thing to say<BR>to a woman. About as cruel as a wayward wife gushing<BR>to her husband about how huge her lover's [censored] is.<P>I don't know. Good luck figuring out what's going on<BR>in his head.<P>Bama<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BamaAngst:<BR><B> I don't know. I really don't. Perhaps he could have<BR>said this because he was in denial about his sexual<BR>disfunction. Maybe not. It's a cruel thing to say<BR>to a woman. About as cruel as a wayward wife gushing<BR>to her husband about how huge her lover's [censored] is.<P>I don't know. Good luck figuring out what's going on<BR>in his head.<P>Bama<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HI, Bama..<BR>Thanks so much for your kind words of support. YES, it was very cruel of him and it's good to hear someone else say it was, too. At the time, that was his "fog" period, I'm sure, and no matter what I said or did, it was wrong. It was his way of striking out at me, and I recognized that. <P>I also posted this topic on the "In Recovery" forum, Bama, and anyone else who might be reading/lurking. I wasn't too sure which one it belonged in, so I thought I'd try both.<P>What I think is notable is that he still has not left me, even though a few short months ago all he could talk about was a temporary separation and all that. I invited him to leave, and he backed down. That told me a lot! If he really wanted to part with me, he would. Now that he is coming out of that fog and I do believe in the withdrawl phase, he is more like himself. The ONLY thing missing now is our sex life, and I think that you are quite right about the need for good nutrition/supplements. <P>As for my other theory (guilt), only time will tell. God hasn't let me down so far and I suspect He will continue to reveal truth to me. Patience is what's needed on my part, I guess!<P>Thanks again for your reply!<BR>Hugs..<BR>Winny