Background. H had an emotional A in 1998. Never acknowledged. Communication in marriage is better, but not where it should be; as both H and I are conflict avoiders.<P>Yesterday H received a letter in a handwritten envelope in the mail. I handed it to him and he didn't open it, but put it aside. I asked, "What is that?" He opened it, and said, "I know what it is." I asked what, and he said it was for someone at work who is moving and asked if she could have mail sent to our address for a few weeks. Sounded fishy, but OK. Then he went upstairs with it, reappearing without it. I asked, "What's the big secret?" His reply, "No secret. I just wanted to put it in my knapsack."<P>This kind of deviousness sets up huge red flags for me. So after he went to bed, I went into his knapsack and found the letter. <P>The good news is that it's got nothing to do with another woman. The bad news is that it appears he got into a minor fender-bender with another vehicle, presumably in our new car (which explains the 1" gash in the plastic bumper) and offered to pay the cost of the repairs. This letter was sending the estimate and asking if he still wants to pay for the repairs rather than going through the insurance company. The amount is a little over eight hundred dollars.<P>Now, I'm of course not happy about the money, especially when we're having work done on the house. And H should be getting money from his father's estate soon (though now I wonder if he got it already and is just not telling me). But it's not a killer amount. What does bother me is the secrecy about it. He does have too many accidents -- usually one every 2-3 years, which is too many. We are already in a lower rating category because of an accident he had in 1997. We live in NJ, which has the most punitive car insurance rates in the country.<P>I know what he's trying to do here. He's trying to resolve the problem without me ever knowing, so that a) he doesn't have to listen to me fuss at him about being careless and the expense; and b) so that our insurance doesn't go up. But the lying and secrecy bothers me a lot, because it makes it hard to trust him about anything else.<P>But then, I found the letter by snooping, which is kind of devious also.<P>So what's the best way to handle it? I know how he's going to pay for this -- he's going to take Visa cash advances, which drives me NUTS.<P>

Dear DandC,<BR>My H and I used to be conflict avoiders, too, and it led to his having an EA with a married woman. It just doesn't do any good to stuff negative feelings down in an emotional toilet, DandC. Sooner or later, it will overflow and when it does, stand back! It usually isn't very pretty.<P>Yes, what you did was sneaky, and what he did was sneaky, too. Dr. Harley says that married couples should have no secrets from each other and after the year I've been through, I have to agree with him. If this were me, I would tell my H what I did--and why--and listen to what he has to say. If you don't, this will only eat at you like acid slowly eating away at metal, and it will color your actions and words in negative ways. Your H will have no clue as to why you seem so aggravated and he will make assumptions of his own, and that isn't good, either. <P>You seem worried that his past affair might not be over. Or, are you just feeling residual hurt/anger/jealousy over it? These are things you really need to talk to your H about, or you will not get past them. Like ghosts in the attic, they will continually haunt you--and THAT is definitely not good. <P>MOst of all, from this point on, be truthful with your H. If he says or does something that bothers you, tell him about it right away. You should have told him how you felt about him hiding that envelope before you snooped. He might have told you the truth.<P>Have you read all of the articles on this site? If not, please start ASAP, beginning with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. He makes a lot of good sense and I do know that coming to this site and learning what I learned helped to save my marriage (my H had an EA last year). It's funny,but there are no courses on how to have a good marriage being taught anywhere--and marriage is THE most important committment any of us could ever make. These principles set down by Dr. Harley are a real "How-To" course for marriage and I think anyone who is considering the big M should read them all.<P>Hope you keep on posting here, DandC. Let us know what your thoughts and feelings are and please know a lot of folks on this site are very kind, concerned and helpful people.<P>Hugs and best wishes,<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 16, 2001).]

You're relatively new here, Winny, aren't you? <P>I've been around here since 1998.<P>Well familiar with the concepts.

<BR>HI, DandC!<BR>Yeppers, I'm kind of new here! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel minimized, if that's what happened. It's just that I am so happy to have found this site--and know that it's made a world of difference in my life--that I want to share it with everyone! <P>Wow, you've been here for three years now? How has your marriage been during that time? Do you feel that the concepts and teachings of Dr. Harley have helped you any? Being new, it really helps to know that over time, these teachings really do hold up. I'm so sorry for any pain you may be feeling right now and hope that it's only a temporary thing. <P>I'll send some prayers and positive energy your way, D! God bless you..<BR>Hugs,<BR>Winny<p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 16, 2001).]

Winny: Yes, the concepts here have helped me a LOT. H was involved in an EA at the time, and because he was not head-over-heels and it was not PA, an immediate "Plan A" got me almost immediate results.<P>As I said, we do communicate better than we used to -- or rather, I communicate better than I used to and he goes along for the ride. (H is kind of out-of-touch with his emotions.)<P>My sister has suggested that H is doing this so as not to worry me -- albeit in a ham-handed kind of way. She suggests sitting tight and waiting to see how it shakes out. If he lets it slide and it ends up going to insurance, I'll find out about it and I can then talk to him about the secrecy AND his carelessness -- and then I'll make him get his own policy.<P>I think this is a good approach.<P>What's the reason YOU'RE here? Any words of wisdom I can impart?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dazed and Confused:<BR><B>Winny: Yes, the concepts here have helped me a LOT. H was involved in an EA at the time, and because he was not head-over-heels and it was not PA, an immediate "Plan A" got me almost immediate results.<P>As I said, we do communicate better than we used to -- or rather, I communicate better than I used to and he goes along for the ride. (H is kind of out-of-touch with his emotions.)<P>My sister has suggested that H is doing this so as not to worry me -- albeit in a ham-handed kind of way. She suggests sitting tight and waiting to see how it shakes out. If he lets it slide and it ends up going to insurance, I'll find out about it and I can then talk to him about the secrecy AND his carelessness -- and then I'll make him get his own policy.<P>I think this is a good approach.<P>What's the reason YOU'RE here? Any words of wisdom I can impart?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi, DandC,<BR>I'm here because I suddenly found myself in the same miserable boat as virtually everyone is who finds their way here: my H of 13 years had an EA last year, and it nearly wrecked our marriage. You can read some of my earlier posts in JFO, GQII, and a couple on Resolving Conflict. I started posting here this past March, so that should help you find some of my posts.<P>Just like so many here, too, I never thought I would find myself in this situation, but it happened. I was devastated and thought my life was over. My H is one of the most giving people I've ever known and in fact, that is one of the major problems between us. His priorities are all mixed up, but I am hopeful that this past year's events has taught him some good life's lessons, too.<P>It's good to know that Dr Harley's principles helped you, too. Your ideas on your car insurance problem are good, too, and you can think of it as an opportunity for your H to learn some things along the way, also. <P>As for me and my marriage, things have calmed down about 100% from where they were just a few months ago. He is coming out of the withdrawl from the OW stage, thank God, and seems to be more like he used to be. All we can do is try, right?<P>Thanks for your post...hope to hear from you again soon!<BR>Hugs,<BR>Winny<P><BR>