Lord please help me and if any of you can give me some advice please do. I think I am addicted to snooping. Every single day I snoop. For months I won't find anything and then all of the sudden I will find something that will enrage me and he always denies it. Some stupid excuse that I can't believe but end up trying to. It just makes me snoop more. What is worse is that I always tell him that this time will be the last. It never is. I want to keep trying, hoping that the A will finally fizzle out like the book says. It has been 3 years, when will it happen?<P>Should I continue to snoop even though it doesn't seem to make a difference If I find things or not? <P>Also, OW always calling his cell and leaving no message, but the number shows up on the message box. I wrote her a letter saying to stay away, that she must not think much of herself to stay with a man who will obviously not leave his wife. But then again, I must not think much of myself to let this go on for so long. I really want my family to stay together. But what is the cost to my heart?<P>Please advise....

Oh, can I sympathize with you!<P>Three years you've been going through this? I don't know how you keep your sanity. It's just been four months for me and sometimes the paranoia overwhelms me.<P>If I am reading your post right, you aren't really addicted to snooping, you just want to make sure you're not made a fool of once again. If you're like me, you're just waiting for the bomb to drop on your head at any moment. You don't want to be caught off guard again.<P>I concoct all sorts of scenarios of how the affair could actually still be going on without me knowing. Of course they're pretty out there, but from the things I've read on this board, anything is possible!<P>You have to determine if this affair is still alive and well. Three years and her number still comes up on the cell phone? Seems to me that there is still contact.<P>Is your husband a willing party in the rebuilding of your marriage? Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books, esp. Surviving an Affair? <P>I wish there were a magical number, a set amount of time that you would be convinced that you are not being betrayed. I feel that we will always be on guard somewhat.<P>In one of Dr. Harley's books I read, "Give yourself time to get over the resentment and anger (about 2 years)." <BR>Yikes! I hate these feelings! Two years?<P>Good luck to you.

I'm sorry, in re-reading your post I see you have read Surving an Affair.<P>I know I reference mine all the time to reinforce the concepts. My husband was very responsive to Dr. Harley's books (amazingly!--he hates the thought of therapy). Without his involvement as well as mine, I know we wouldn't be anywhere. It takes two to make a marriage work. I think we're on the right path.<P>Granted, as I said, I wouldn't call it smooth sailing, but I am confident we will heal.<P>I hope you find the strength in you to make the right decisions for your life and I hope your husband supports and believes in your marriage. If being married to you isn't what he wants, the least he can do is be honest about it. Don't let this other woman provide him with what he could be getting from you (emotional needs). It's not fair to anyone. It requires A LOT of work from BOTH of you.<P>Hope it all works out.<P>

Been there done that.... This was about 3-4 years ago. My husband was having an affair when I was pregnant with our last child. I KNEW it was going on. I like you was snooping , so much it was driving me INSIANE! I checked ash trays for her brand of cigarettes, I checked my car for Moutain Dew pop cans becase that is what she drank., I checked pockets, caller id etc... Everyday I would beg him to just admit it already and stop this game. He would laugh at me and say I was crazy. Which I was at that point. I knew he was doing it I had to hear him admit it! Finally he did when I seen her getting out of our car. He then ended it but she didnt nor did her friends and family they stalked him and I for almost a year after and we eventually moved out of town to get away from her. I hope he finally admits his actions and then you can work on your marriage, till then stop snopping you are just driving yourself crazy with it!

I found a phone bill on Saturday from my husbands office. It had OW cell phone number on it. a call for 17 minutes. I confronted H about it and he swears he never spoke to her. He says he was talking to her mother who was supposidly sick and couldn't find her because she had left the house and left her cell at home. H says mother thought she was having a heart attack. why would she call him? why wouldn't she have called 911? mother does not speak english but I don't care. I don't know what to do. He swears up and down that he never talks to her. but it seems obvious to me that it is not the case. should I make him leave over what I think might be not true?<P>Please help!<P>

Jenni70, have you read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson?<P>It's time to put your foot down with this h of yours. That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard for his 17 min phone call. <P>Will h go to counselling with you? Is he ready to REALLY change? I pray that he is or will be very very soon.<P>If H won't join you, find a good therapist and go for your own sanity. I agree that you are definitely not a snoop. Your h is hurting you horrendously and unworthy of your trust as yet. <P>Lord God, please lead Jenni's h to You...we know you won't force him but put every roadblock in his way when he denies, tries to contact OW, open his eyes to his wife given to you by Him. We seek a miracle from You to save this M. Your Word says You are MORE THAN ABLE to accomplish things beyond our wildest dreams (Ephesians 3) Thank You that this is not too difficult for you.<P>Hugs, Jenni70. Wish I had more comforting words for you. It is best to stay together but you have to stay sane too. I hope you have good friends to surround you and support along with your friends here on MB.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Thank you so much for your prayer. I know that we will be ok someday. We have too much riding on this marriage, including two beautiful children. But I just don't know how long it will be before he leaves OW alone to fend for herself. The problem is that my H is from south america and so is OW. Although I have fully accepted and embraced his culture, OW found us and has been a cling on ever since. H felt sorry for her and gave her a job at his office. Actually I insisted on giving her the job. Because I felt sorry for her too. SHe didn't speak english at the time and so she helped him with the filing and such. OW used to always tell me, I wish I had a man like yours. He is so kind and caring. Little did I know she really meant that literally! After D day I made him fire her and promise to never see her again. Obviously it has been a long haul since then. When I find out about any contact, H swears he is only helping OW with small things she can't do because of the language barrier. I say, if you can't learn english by now GO BACK HOME!! <P>Not sure how much more I can take, however, we have been through plan A and B. H is back. Been 1 year almost. I just don't think it all worked like the book said it would. Do I go back to Plan A again? or do I go directly to plan B this time?<P>Jenni70

Hi, Jenni...bumping your post in hopes someone who has more experience with Plan A and B will come help you. I am not all that familiar with them as H forgave me and we chose to stay together. I know many people here have survived Plan A and B.<P>Isn't amazing how we think we can help someone only to have them turn on us? Trust is so delicate. I thought I could help OM spiritually but it turned out he had plans from before I knew him very well at all. <P>Don't get too discouraged and keep giving to H while making sure you have some rest and support, too.