A little background...<P>Four months ago my husband confessed to havin a three month affair with a co-worker.<P>Thanks to Dr. Harley's fabulous books, we are making great improvements in our marriage and healing...slowly.<P>I have never been one to go out a lot or hang out at bars, but I do enjoy going out occasionally (seldom).<P>One of my best girlfriends (divorced) invited me to join her and some co-workers this evening at a bar she frequents to celebrate her birthday.<P>My husband works graveyard and wouldn't be able to come with me. I casually mentioned it to him earlier this week with no big response from him. I mentioned it again last night and his response was, "Well just remember if I ever want to go out with Jim or Curt, I don't want to hear it from you!"<P>Not quite the response I was looking for. He insisted he didn't mind, but to keep what he said in mind. I told him I wouldn't go if it was upsetting to him. I don't want to be the cause of his unhappiness (trying to follow that rule!)<P>When he came home this morning, he said that he really didn't mind if I went. He seemed to have thought it over and had a change of heart. I decided not to go after all. I felt that his initial response was how he really felt, and I told him that he was more important to me than going out.<P>Every once in a while he mentions that maybe I would like to cheat on him to get back at him. I haven't given him any reason to think that. On the contrary, I am striving to get back to some sort of normalcy, not to go through hell again.<P>Well as the day went on I started to feel resentment and anger. I knew I wasn't going out to cheat on him! It was only going to be a few hours out with a good friend and then home again to be mom and wife. But again, he means more to me than going out.<P>So all day, my "taker" and "giver" had it out. I haven't come to any clearer of an answer.<P>So tell me.....what would you have done?<P>I'd like to hear from women and men!

If it is the one time I see no problem with it. But in my case it started after 5 years of marriage innocently (2 years ago) just once after work. My wife then started to do it once a week after work, then the nights kept getting later and later until after closing bar time. Then it escalated to twice a week, then 3 times a week sometimes getting home at 4AM. We have been separated for 3 months now so she can find herself, and after the affair and lying I'm seriously thinking of divorce. That was just what she did, but if you are having any marital problems I wouldn't go to the bar without your husband. I've heard alot of stories that turned out just like mine from "girls night out".

My husband refuses for me to go out with the girls to the bars or clubs. "I am a guy and I know what guys are like" would be his statement. It has been that way since I can remember. He and I always go out together. Which I dont mind actually because boys will be boys and when they are drunk its even worse. I honestly do not want to be put in that situation. Drunk guy at the bar picking me up doesnt sound like a fun time. My friends think he is a jerk for not allowing me, and I should be able to do what I want he isnt my father yadda yadda speach lol. I see their point but I see his also and he is far more important to me. Plus most of them are single and have no clue anyhow lol.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that you shouldn't have to give up things like that just because you're married. For him to accuse you of retaliating against him for having an affair is almost laughable. The fact is, he should have thought about that before he did what he did. Yes, there is that chance that you may just get pissed off enough to do it right back to him. But, guess what, he left that door wide open, didn't he? On the other hand, you wouldn't feel nearly as vindictive if he didn't try to stop you from going out with your friends and accuse you of something you haven't done yet, either. The bottom line is don't give up your life just because it makes him uncomfortable. You should only give up the things that are harmful to your marriage. As Dr. Phil says, "If you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, you shouldn't be doing it." I don't think you were doing anything that you wouldn't have done if he were there.

<BR>Hi, Jer...<BR>WOW!! Your letter hit me square in the face today. My H, too, is starting to show signs of not trusting me, something VERY out of character for him to do! The thing is that I suspect he had an EA with this woman that we both know and to this day, he denies it. (however, he exhibited almost ALL of the 'signs of an unfaithful spouse' in Dr. Harley's article on the topic, and I found written proof that there was a definite connection between H and OW). <P>Up until that misadventure of his, we had a wonderful, strong and comfortable marriage, or so I thought. We are in recovery now of sorts (remember, he still denies an A), but this sudden lack of trust in ME was throwing me for a loop. <P>After reading your post, it hit me that when someone is guilty of doing something like cheating, they can't help but feel their partner would do the same thing. Perhaps they'd cheat in retribution? Or, out of deep anger and hurt?? Who knows? <P>Thanks for the eye-opner, Jer, and I hope that you find some answers for your situation, too. Your post made me look at things in a whole new light.<P>As for what I would have done, honestly, I can't answer you. I am so stunned by my own H's "new" quirk that I think I would have backed off, too, but felt like I let myself down somehow. The adult in me says, "You know you have done nothing wrong and will do nothing wrong, so go and have a good time." However, the child in me says, "But if I do, then he will disapprove and stop loving me." It's all in how we are relating to others and ourselves, I guess, at the moment. Sorry I couldn't be of much help....<P>Hugs,<BR>Winny<P>