Hi Maggie,<BR> Thanks for responding to my post. You asked how long my EX H. and EX B-Friend were sleeping together????? Well, from what I'm told it started the summer of 98. We I moved back to Alaska from Vegas. I flew because I was so sick, and he stayed behind to pack things up. I moved up in May and he got here in the middle of June. Since then, he's met 2 women on the computer and left me for both. Each time crawling back. In between the 1st and 2nd he made a trip to Vegas and I was suppose to go with, but I couldn't because I was too sick. From what she told me she just about lived there with him. She told me that most of the time I was trying to call, they were in the bed. By the way, that was July of 2000. Now he's gone off on one of those little, (need to find myself trips). In Feburary of 2001, he called me and said he was confussed and thought he wanted to come home. He called my friend to talk to her for awhile. I met her through him. They worked together and were very good friends BEFOR. I do believe both of them that nothing ever happened befor I met her. She and I have been friends for about 7 or 8 years. Anyhow, he called her to talk about what he should do. I bought him a ticket to come home. He never got on the plane. She called me about a month after crying. I need to tell you something she said. I just said, you guys slept together. She said yes. I asked her when it started. She told me. You won't believe what I did next!!!! I TRIED to comfort HER!!!! I think I was in total shock. Telling her that it didn't supprise me. She wanted to start in with details and I said, LOOK, IT HAPPENED, YOU TOLD ME, I KNOW NOW, AND I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ANYMORE. YOU 2 SCREWED EACH OTHER AND THAT'S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS.... So I then asked her WHY NOW. He's been gone for 3 months. WHY are you telling me. I've been going through a seriously hard time and then you tell me this???? She said, when he called to talk to her, he was ready to get on the plane. SHE CONVINCED him not to come back to me. Telling him that she cared so much for me and it wouldn't be fair for him to do this to me again. He is always hurtting me and she just couldn't STAND to see him do it again. Then she said, that's not the truth Dar. I told him that because I didn't want to see him with you. I was jealous that he wanted to come back to you. All I could say was, "I have to go, I have an app. to be at" which was true, but not befor I spent the next 45 min. throwing up. In that conversation with her, I also found out that he had slept with our neighbor while he was down there. We own a condo, so it's not like the neighbor was in danger of being hit by a car crossing the street to get to MY bed. He said he is going back to Vegas to PROVE to me that he truely loves me. How am I suppose to know. I'm in Alaska. He said he wants 3 months to prove it. I told him to go. If that's what he thinks he needs to do then do it, but I'm not putting my life on hold. He also said that he told her that it won't happen again, and that he still wants to be her friend and if she can't do that then their won't be anything at all. At first I felt really really bad about getting as far as talking on the phone with him, and not even being able to THINK about her. But actually, after reading your response, I realized that if I took on BOTH of them at the same time, it would be way to much. It's been 6 months since I found out and even to this day, I can't talk about it without crying. I can't say her name. My mom had the same thing happen with her best friend, and first husband, and she told me just last week when I was starting to cry about it, Darlene, Not even the DEATH of a loved one hurts like this. When someone you love dies, you grieve, and beggin to heal and move on, but they are both very much alive and people can tell you all they want that they know how you feel cause their spouse or partner cheated on them, but it's not the same thing at all. She said, you weren't lied and deceived by 1 person you loved but by 2. I didn't look at it that way. I asked her how to get through this? She said, You drop the SO CALLED FRIEND, and don't talk to her again. I asked about him? She said it's really up to me on that one but would understand either way. 14 years is a long time to just forget about. I haven't talked to her at all. She's tried to E-Mail me once or twice but I didn't even open the letters. He thinks I need to put it behind us and move on. I told him "DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD IF I COULD YOU IDIOT???" As for HIS friend? Nothing will ever happen between Mike and I. We both aggree that most of our attraction comes from not going there, if that makes any sence. We both love my Ex way to much to even THINK about doing anything and then hoping he won't find out. In MY eyes, that makes me the better person and I like that feeling.<BR> Dar

Wow, you are sure dealing with a LOT. My H's affair lasted I think about 3 months. But looking back, I think he was in love with her 6 months before that. When she was engaged to his friend, the friend was going to break if off. My H convinced him to marry her. When I asked him why he'd do that if he wanted her, he said "I didn't want her to move away." Can you imagine that!? He stood in this friend's wedding, all the while wanting her. Sick.<P>I've also been sick to my stomach over all of this but haven't actually thrown up. I did when it was all happening however (but I thought it was EA only).<P>My counselor gave me more forgiveness stuff when I was there Thursday. I feel like a failure but it's just way too soon for me. He lied for almost 6 years, and still would be if he could. And I'm supposed to forgive in 6 weeks? Maybe some people can but I'm not one of them.<BR>I very much resent having to go thru this twice. I bought that book "Torn Asunder" yesterday. It really helped me to see why I'm feeling like I am. It said that if you don't work thru the whole thing, all the anger, depression, etc. and "solve" things too quickly, it will come back later. You may not even realize it, but you can get depressed, etc. years later if it's not resolved. That was exactly our case. I took him back after 9 months and we went to counseling together. The affair was just looked at as a symptom and nothing that required working on. What a joke! <P>Your mom is right. Death is final, betrayal and its pain just go on and on.<P>I do have a lot to be thankful for now. My H agrees to go to counseling. He has said he was wrong and that I am totally justified for feeling how I do. He told me to talk to people about it if it helps. But a part of me wonders if he still really wants her (she broke it off) and if the opportunity came up, if he'd be gone.<P>I'm sorry to hear about your being sick. I don't know how you handle it all. I hope you are getting counseling and have anti depressants if you need them. I'm back on them and they help me to get out of bed each day. Somedays, it seems easier just to stay there.<P>Good luck and stay in touch!

Maggie,<BR> I wish I was strong enough to walk into a counselers office and do this. This is the most I've even been able to talk or think about their affair since I found out in Feb. My Ex called tonight and we spoke for about 5 hours. He says that he knows what happened in the marriage. He said he knows now how I was feeling because he found himself begging his ex-girlfriend for the same exact things I begged him for. EXAMPLE: spending more time together, going for a walk, talking, paying some att: to me. He said he never could have known how alone I must have felt all that time untill it happened to him.<BR> <BR>Like I said, he's going to Vegas to sort some things out on his own for awhile, and I told him he needs to do that. Normally I would be begging him to come here, but talking on the phone is one thing, but seeing him in person is another. I told him I'm not sure that I could handle THEM being friends. I said, you do what you need to do, but do NOT and I mean NEVER stand befor me on her behalf and ask me to try and forgive her and be friends again.... He said, NO, NO, NO, I would never do that. I told him that if she ever has the nerve to look into my eyes and ask for my forgiveness, the only thing that I'm gunna say to her is, I hope my husbands *^$@ felt good for that short time cause it cost you a best friend. <BR> My problem is, I don't know where to start. HOW to start. Almost 7 months later it still hurts that bad to even think about it, I don't know how to even hear myself say the words.<BR>Dar

It's so unfair isn't it? They sit back and decide what they want, while we die inside and have to keep going. When my H had moved out, he would drive thru our neighborhood looking for her, refused to pay the mortgage, etc. (I don't work in the summer), did the "woe is me" thing with his family (they still don't know the truth to this day), etc. It's really hard to forget all of the hateful things he said. He looks back and can't remember most of it. Maybe the 'fog' thing is real.<P>I know with God's help and counseling, I'll get thru it. You have to take care of yourself now, I know it's hard. Many an affair has led to ruined health of a spouse.<P>Counseling can do wonders, I really hope you are able to go soon. It was funny, when my 'best friend' called (still claiming it was nothing, just checking up on me, etc.) she said to make sure I go to counseling cuz she should have when she got divorced. I thought that was strange as I didn't plan on getting divorced. Anyway, it was the day after they had sex in her car and I didn't know it. I really hate that they both lied to me for so long. I'm sure in her mind she's still lying. Sure glad she moved away anyway.<P>I can't believe you had to hear from her that they were in bed when you were trying to call. Is she totally trying to destroy you? You have a lot more to deal with because there were other women too. The hardest thing for me is that I really do think he loved her and did for a long time. I often feel like 2nd best, what he settled for.<P>I wish you much luck. Hope to hear from you soon.

Hi Maggie,<BR> As I was reading your post to me, I kept thinking, GOD, can't imagine how that must hurt. HE loves HER???? It's so strange how our situation is almost the exact same but really different. I can't even immagine how it much it must hurt to be where you're at and then still have to look at him. When my friends found out about what had really happend, one of them actually offered to have his legs broken for me. Of course I turned them down, but I said "he's in another state". They said, that's ok. I think if it would have been the other way around and he loved/loves her I might just have taken that offer. <BR>Keep in touch.<BR>Dar

He says he no longer has any feelings for her. But I know how totally engrossed with her, emotionally and physically. I'm glad we were separated so I didn't have to continue to see the "I'm so lonely without her" crap. In the middle of it, I was worried he was suicidal. So like a fool, I sat here while he told me how he cared about her, she was smarter than me, dressed better, they had more in common, her H didn't treat her well, she had no sex life (like I cared), etc. It was terrible and I would NEVER do it again. Unfortunately for me, I can remember things that happened to me when I was 18 months old so you can be sure I'm having a hard time forgetting all of the hateful things he said and did.<P>He now claims he's so sorry and can't remember half of it. I wish I had that luxury. Today when I was painting what will be the new bedroom, I got so angry. Angry at both of them and at myself for working so hard to give him a decent place to sleep. He sure doesn't deserve it right now. I told him he can put in new outlets and lights. He should do at least part of it. I don't trust him to paint though, too sloppy and we have a great old house with wonderful woodwork. <P>Last night her ex H was here with us. It kills me not to tell him the truth. He may not care and he may already know but I feel like a hypocrite for not saying anything. My Counselor says all I can do is pray he'll tell him. I doubt it. I think he's too selfish to admit anything.<P>Well, I have to go and paint again before my brush dries! Keep in touch.