I am still surprised by the last revelations that my husband (we have been married for 6 years) presented to me a couple of months ago. I (and everybody around) thought that our marriage and family was the most beautiful they knew. We both looked so happy, so commited, so much in love. The truth of the matter is that my husband has never wanted to be married to me, and feels absolutely sick and tired of pretending and faking he wants me. His remarks were the answer to my questioning about his withdrawal after four month geographic separation. He says he has known all along that I was not his sexual partner and because he was afraid of hurting my feelings he decided just to let it go. Ignoring the problem. I my self thought he was a quiet lousy lover. However, my love for him made me tolerate the situation and only very seldom comment that we could improve our sexual life. <BR>We have talked a lot about this matter and I cannot understand how he can think we can live in a marriage without sexual fulfillment. He would never try therapy, and he would never divorce me neither. He says now he loves me and I and our 2 kids are his priorities in life, but sex with me seems to him a job, or so antinatura as having sex with his own sister!!!!!!. He just does not notice me, does not look at me, does not approach me emotionally in any way. It just does not occur to him. He thinks that time will show us what to do. I simply have no idea what would be the miracle that would give us a solution to this terrible conflict. By the way. He refuses to talk any further on this. It makes him so tired, and in his own words he has no new things to add to the matter. Does anybody understand how I feel?. I love this man. I have adored him all the time!.<BR>Julianna.

I would buy a beautiful nightie, light some candles, and do something you have never tried before (sexually). If you need some ideas , I guess you could look them up on the web, I am not talking about porn, this is your husband, he may be bored. Show him a different side of you. Really open his eyes! Make him see that you are a sexual person. The least that could happen is he doesn't respond the way you want him too. The best thing that could happen is you could be satisfied in Bed and him too!<P>

Julianna,<BR>Something is clearly blocking your H from any sexual desire for you. My questions to you would be have things always been this way between you two? Was there a time when you really felt sexually happy/compatable with him? Does it seem like this is something new in your relationship? <P>I have some things I'd like to share with you because I was in a very similar situation (hubby was away for almost 4 months), but if I knew a little bit more about your situation, then I'd know what to say to you. <P>By the way, I am fairly new here, by MB standards. My H had an EA and we are now in the recovery phase, although it's only been about 5 months. Please let me know a little more about your situation, ok? I'd like to offer some help...<P>Hugs,<BR>winny

Hllo Winny!! How nice that anybody takes interest. I cannot possibly discuss this issue with my family and/or my friends because I live in my husband's country (In Europe), and I am quiet lonely here. I also feel much better if I know that the listener (reader ) would be able to relate to such concerns. My parents would certainly never understand the compassion one needs to solve this type of problems. Well, here I come with more pieces of information that are not very encouraging neither!. NO!, he has never been a good lover, in my opinion, and we never had a type of relationship that sparkles because the passion. Even if I am terriby passionate my self and also emotional. I am not shy nor have any fear of intimacy or closeness. He is a very "private" individual in his own words, and simply does not feel that we have ever been compatible. We do not satisfy each other sexually and I only knew about this 2 months ago (I thought it was boring because his low sex drive and lack of interest in sex, he was always pretending he wanted me and loved me badly). I read the advices on trying a new costume, or being very suggestive and sexy BUT, the problem is so complex, so deep, all this stuff would be taken by him like a joke, and of course I do not feel any natural in doing this. I would have, 8 months ago, not anymore. It is very clear his lack of interest. He explains it like this: "there should be something before sex that makes me want to be with you. I lack it!, there is no foreplay of course because you are not sexy and have never been to me!,I do not want to touch you because I feel like you are furniture and I am wasting my time. Of course I can pretend and make love to you all night long: BUT I DO NOT WANT TO PRETEND ANYMORE!, I do not feel disgusted neither, but just it does not occur to me that you are a sexual individual, or that I would find any satisfaction by being with you. I just do not feel like having sex with you." It is not going to be really fixed with quick arrangements. He is not affectionate or sweet anymore, and I do understand that pushing him in anyway to be so is not the correct answer. I sincerely do not want him to act out of an obligation again. <BR>I just need to know if it might happen that his mentality is more positive and receptive to me, and if it is worth to wait and try. Maybe there will never be the necessary chemistry between the two of us!. As I mentiones earlier: he is a wonderful tender and passionate lover with those that have been his partners. He explains this phenomenon with the following rationale: "...Maybe the fact everything between us has been kind of imposed, the right thing to do, I just rebell against you in this way. But I have no idea how to change the feeling because I married knowing I did not want to marry at that moment (we decided to marry because otherwise each of us would have gone to a different corner of the world and we wanted to continue the relationship, although not married. His country's imigration law did not give me a resident permit unless the marriage took place), and then we had a child sooooo soon(wrong timming for him as well, perfect for me), and those are facts already. Unchangeably!.""...When I am with another woman is because I have wanted, and I am the one that approach her, and I feel this is the role. our relationship was so overwhelmingly intense and the need to marry so strong that let me powerless into that relationship. I do not remember even an instance in which I could say I felt we were connected. I was simply not there..."<BR>I cannot change the past and do not want to dwell upon this stuff. He insists on going back in time because he never rationalized before what was going on....this is the first time he seriously reasseses his life. It wouldbe more constructive of course to look to the future what can be done.....I do not even want to think of past....I was unconcsious or what???. How could I be so blind, so wrong?<BR>I felt his love. Well, the least his commitment. And he was very discreet about his affairs. One of these days I found a card he was to send to one of his lovers, thisone cyber -or so he assures- it was so sexy, so full of intimate sharing and lust and everything. All I had always wanted him to be with me. <BR>Do I just ask him to leave? Is it my only choice to be in a defective marriage?<BR>So I have listened to his feelings and complaints, but not yet to his interests, because he does not yet know what is that that he hopes for or is looking forward to live....he is only sure that as for today I am the ideal wife (not in bed) and he cannot nor wants to imagine his life appart from me and the kids.<BR>Does this resemble in anything your experience? I have been a member my self for a week only. I love the site, and this board is really interesting. Thanks!, I ahave also read your comments and support to others.<BR>Julianna.

Dear Julianna,<BR>I am so happy you found this site, too! In time, you will find it a great source of comfort and I think you already feel that way. It really does help to let it all out, and to 'talk' with others who can relate to you.<P>Thank you for your reply to my post. Now that I understand your situation a little better, I hope what I want to say does not confuse you--but there are a number of ways of looking at what your H is telling you.<P>One way is, he is telling you the truth. From what you wrote, it sounds like it was a marriage of convenience. However, you both knew that when you entered into it, so it was not an unexpected surprise. If this is the case, then unfortunately, his sexual feelings for you may never happen, but who is to say? Your last paragraph indicated that he wants to stay with you and your children (child? sorry..I forget!) and cannot imagine life apart from you. Now, that could be a very good sign, Julianna. At least he is not telling you he no longer wants you in his life.<P>Another way of looking at it is that he might be lying to you. He may have another woman in his life and desires a fulltime relationship with her. Not knowing how to get out of his marriage gracefully, he is telling you things that are very hurtful (and while honest, I think a bit cruel), and is perhaps hoping you will be the one to walk away.<P>How do you know the difference? Really, unless you have proof of some kind of extramarital affair/relationship, you won't know. Or, unless he decided to be 100% truthfull with you and tell you about an affair, you won't know for sure.<P>The choice is now up to you. You can either walk away, or try to stay and save your relatioship. The question here is, will you be happy in a sexless marriage? Do you think it is at all possible that his desire for you will grow or happen? From what he is saying, it sounds like he feels very close to you in a platonic way, as in very good "friends." If this is enough for you, then by all means take that chance and start Plan A as soon as possible. IF his desire for you ever happens, that will be a tremendous plus. However, if it doesn't, then at least you went into this effort knowing what the worst case scenario might be. You already know that he has been with other women, but did you mean before your marriage, or after? If it was after, then you have to ask yourself how you feel about staying with a man who is unfaithful to you.<P>My own H told me pretty much the same things not so long ago. He refused to even touch me, but this was after 12 years of a very loving and sex-filled relationship. I KNEW immediately that something wasn't quite right--it was just so bizzare. People don't change just like that for no good reason, I thought, and I found out I was right. He was in the middle of an EA, and I stumbled onto it. Your situation sounds a bit different, by your own admission that your sex life with your H wasn't so great. So, the problem doesn't seem to be all on his side, Julianna. Perhaps the two of you were not sexually matched, or in this country we call it being "incompatable." <P>Only you know the answers down deep in your heart, and it's up to you which direction to take. Plan A can work if there is love (or was love) on both parts. But, if the right kind of love never existed in the first place, you can Plan A until the cows come home and wind up very disappointed. I pray this isn't the case with you, but if it is, you are better off knowing now, while you are still young, than spending a lifetime in misery and wonder.<P>God bless...and many hugs,<BR>Winny<P>

hello. Yes....it takes lots of courage to admit that someone will simply never love you in full. He knows now (after intensive thinking)that it was his cowardy that did not let him walk away in due time. Before we married even. Yes, he has had very recent relationshis, all ocasional but one. He returned to his first love with whom he says he reaches the deepest connection and the only one that causes any crave for spiritual closeness. She left him 17 years ago, while he was in the army and married another man from whom she has been separated already 10 years ago. She also went crazy for my husband and "realized" that leaving his soul mate, his first and only real love was the most stupid decision of her life. He anyway is appart from her 3 months ago, and says that he is sure that he does not want a life with her. His attitude now is extremely patiente with my evident sadness, but along with total emotional withdrawal. He also is in the self search process. Reassesing all his life and what he expects from future. He still repeats to me every day how he deeply and truly loves me but in 7 years have not ben able to want me. (WHYYYYYYY??????)<BR>I cannot understand. I am just trying to escape (being away from them, I mean husband and 2 children) to sleep over in some friends house, travelling to relatives, etc. I am unable to work for this family, because it is just not feeling right. I do not feel like cooking and listening to his "you are the best cook", or "how nice you paint" comments. I do not need only friendship from him. I cannot stand making the bed or grocery. I have given too much. I am just growing bitter. the option is to be crying all the time. What has helped you? Please tell me what helps for relief!!!!!!. I cannot enjoy anything while I am feeling his indiference. I cannot just separate because it would mean 30.000 kilometers distance. Quiet definitive. I am desperate. I am lost.<BR>Julianna<p>[This message has been edited by julianna (edited August 28, 2001).]

HI, Julianna...<BR>It was good to see your post today! I've been thinking about you and hoping you are ok. My heart goes out to you, Julianna, and I know how painful rejection can be. I have something to say to you that I hope you will understand. Here goes:<P>A very wise author/poet, William Shakespeare, once wrote: "Above all, to thine ownself be true." Most everyone knows what that means--to be truthful with one's own self. But, the key words here are "Above all." That means, FIRST honor yourself by being honest with yourself. If we can't do that, then all of life goes out of whack (English idiom for "wrong"). In my humble opinion, you need to decide what is good for YOU first, what is important to you and what you need from a life's partner. Once you do that and make up your mind to follow a path, your life will take on new meaning and it will be opened up to new possibilities. To stay where you are at now with the way things are going in your marriage is to only invite more pain and confusion into your life. It will be an endless circle of pain, rejection and disappointment.<P>You didn't mention if you believe in God or not, Julianna. Do you? For the time being, I am going to assume that you do believe in Him and will talk to you in that way, ok? <P>You are NOT alone! God is always with you, dear new friend. He knows your pain, He hears you and He wants to help you if only you will ASK Him. You do not have to feel so hopeless and lost because He is right there, by your side, right NOW, as we speak, waiting for you to invite Him in! Your heart is hurting because you feel an empty spot in it--the spot left by your husband's lack of honest desire for you. This is not the way God would have a marriage, not what He intended it to be for us. Ask God to come and fill in that empty spot with His own devine love, and He will. It is a much quieter and more fulfilling love, and right now you desperately need to feel it.<P>You are clinging to this man for many reasons, some of them good and right, and others not good and not right. That he can dishonor you by having sex with other women is a sin, and it is very hurtful to YOU. People who love do not do hurtful things, they do things that are positive and productive for the other person. You are very lucky,Julianna, in that you know how your H feels towards you. He is being honest with you, but he is not being 100% honest. As I see it, he "loves" you as a friend, as someone who is almost like a mother to him. You take care of his basic needs (cooking, laundry, cleaning, his home, etc.) but, he is not taking care of YOURS. Not all of your needs, anyway. Unfortunately, many man cannot make love to a woman who has become a replacement mother to them, and that is what I think is his problem. This is why he has no sexual desire for you, I believe. That he would allow and EXPECT you to stay in this relationship with him is him being dishonest with you: he is only thinking of his own self and his own needs, wants, and desires. He is NOT thinking of yours and that is going back on his promise to you, therefore, it is dishonest.<P>Now, your problem is two fold: you honestly think you love him, and you are afriad of losing him. In a way, you are addicted to him. I say this because there is something not right with someone who "loves" someone who treats them so badly and who has shown quite clearly that desire is 100% lacking. You are clinging to him out of fear, I think, and out of being hopelessly attracted to him. Julianna, this is not a good situation for you, or for your wellbeing. <P>If you are being truthful with yourself, and TO yourself, you would see that any behavior that brings you misery is behavior to avoid. Also, you don't need to be full of fear. God will help you through this, and give you the strength and power to do what needs to be done. Again, He will do this if you only ask Him to. <P>Perhaps you could give yourself (and your H) a time limit. That is, make up your mind that if things don't improve in say 3 months (or whatever time period you choose), then you are going to do something GOOD for yourself, such as end the marriage. You are in a no-win siutation right now, and if God has intended this man to be your husband, things will work out. That's something a lot of us forget to consider: sometimes what WE want is not what God wants for us. You need to find this out. You find it out through prayer and quiet thought, Julianna, not in agonizing in pain over a loveless marriage. <P>So, please, turn this over to God right now and give your soul a chance to quiet down. It has been hurt enough, and YOU have been hurt enough and it is time to set things right again in your life. Please keep on posting here, and know that I and a lot of folks here will be praying for you.<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited August 28, 2001).]

sorry...it double posted somehow!<p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited August 28, 2001).]