My marriage has been in trouble for a while. I recently read "His Needs, Her Needs" and found great insight. Unfortunately, he won't read it. He won't go for counseling or anything else. I've had an "ill" feeling that either he's cheating or thinking about it. Last night I caught him on the internet talking to and exchanging pics and info (minus the fact that he's married) w/young college girls that live near us. When I confronted him about it he lied. Then he said it was no big deal and he didn't feel like arguing about it. I found out this morning that he got on the computer before I did and tried to erase e-mails, etc. Fortunately, everything leaves a trail. What should I do? I'm at a total loss and very heart broken. I don't want to wait until he cheats. When I asked him to read the book, he said why should he since everything was fine since I read it. Someone please help me.

Welcome...so sad you need to be here.<P>Read everything you can. You find unbelievable support.<P>You can not control your H's actions, but you can choose your own actions and reactions.<P>It isn't going to be pretty or easy. You will feel like you are on a sick roller coaster...but you can get through it.<P>Sorry, can't stay longer...spend some time reading these posts.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I'd no too good on advice right now, but i do understand your frustration. My h is one of those who thinks as long as he's content, I should be too. Try telling him what you are afraid of, as for chating, exchanging pics ect.. I know a lot of peoples affairs here started like that, if he won't talk, then you watch that computer like it is a new born baby. Don't tell him you know how to check it, try to get all passwords you can. If you find something, print it, save it,<BR>when and if you ever have proof of improper relationships going on make copies of your proof, and give them to him you keep the original print outs,<BR> As for getting him to read any relationship book, thats not easy, I got my h to at least start men are from mars women are from venus by giggling while I read it, same thing about this site, I just talked about the wonderful friends I found here, after awhile he started lurking, then he posted a little, but he still lurks daily, says he's addicted.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Thanks so much Faith and Deb for support and words of wisdom. I just feel at a total loss. My biggest fear is that even if nothing is going on yet that he is now looking and what's to keep him from looking offline? The worst part is that we have 2 children involved in all of this and I'm trying very hard to do what's best for myself and them. Unfortuantely, if he is telling the truth, I don't know that I believe him. Thanks again.

Rngrwfe,<BR>If you can afford it and you really thing it is important for him to her, buy the h needs/h needs audio cassette and play it when he is around. I started going to church two years ago and they make copies of the sermons on audio. I would play the sermons that I really wanted him to hear. Eventually he started making every effort to go to church with us. We have been going to church as a family for a year and a half. All his playing around ended real close this time. I saw a change in him as did my family. We actually had no clue that he had an affair until two months ago and he confessed all for fear of the op telling me. Things are better here but more to my story too....hope all goes well with you....<P>------------------<BR>INLOVE.....<BR>LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS HOPING WE ALL HAVE ONE...<P>

There's a program you can download called snadboy. It logs everything done on the computer in a hidden file. I think it may have password program too? I never could get it to work, and husband doesn't hardly use this computer at home. <P>Go to plan A right away. No lovebusters, and trying to meet his needs. <P>Use the "I feel" statements - I feel.... When.... I need.... (Assertive communication)<P>My husband denies denies denies, but I am carrying on as if he did - and it is working. We aren't "there" yet, but I'm working very very hard to get us there.<P>God Bless.

Have you considered emailing these girls and telling them your H is a married man and you'd appreciate them not interacting with him any more?

Actually, I did that w/one the other day. These other 2 just happened last night so I haven't had the opportunity yet. Unfortunately, I believe that he is the instigator and I doubt he's telling them he's married. Also, unfortunate that sometimes these young women don't care. I can't even imagine having that mentality. Also, he has a profile set up and it says that he's very happily married. Apparently, this doesn't matter to some. Including my husband.<p>[This message has been edited by RngrWfe (edited August 28, 1999).]