My husband and I have been together for over 9 years but only married for 3 and things are going just down hill. All of a sudden we have a money issue and my husband emotionally abuses me because of this matter. To make a long story short, my husband pressures me every day about what I'm going to do as far as coming up with ways of bringing more income into the household. Currently I am unemployed and have been for about 4 months now. I was laid off and prior to that was on sick leave due to surgery. You would think that he would be concerned about my health, but he wanted to know how soon was I going to be back on my feet so that I can help out with the bills. It has gotten to the point now that he does not want to go out with me or be with me because he feels that it's my turn now to work a little extra and take him out, pay extra bills and more. I'm a mother of 2 children who are five and three. My five year old is starting school this week. My husband's concern is that we will have someone take her to school and watch the other one, he just wants me back to work so I can "help" him out so he always says. He verbally abuses me with things like, "when are you going to step up the plate and help me out?" or "my wife should help me out". It's always something to help him out. He forgets that I was and still is the one who takes care our children: bath, cook, clean, wash, etc. and worked 40 hours a week before I was laid, but I still find that I have to prove I work just as hard as he does. He makes almost twice as much as me, but I thougth we were in this together regardless of how much we make. It has always been him that has made big purchases and has added more debt to what we already have. He NEVER listens to me when it comes to making financial decisions and is very good at belittling me. Now he's about to let his day job go and go into his own business and he hounded me to change what I have been doing and pursue not only health insurance to cover the family, but more hours at work, etc. Do I deserve this. Everything is basically HALF. You have to pay half of the bills in the house is what HE says. I never once forced him into doing something different or changing his job because we need more money or for anything else. He even went out a couple of days ago and because he could find any of his male friends, he called up a female friend and had drinks with her. I asked him why didn't he call me and his response was one, he did not want to be with me and two, if I did come along he would have had to pay for drinks. In other words he's tired of paying for everything. I'm his wife and the mother of his 2 children, how could one be so mean He has done a lot of other things that would make you wonder if he really loves you. <P>Bottom line is that he's unhappy with the fact that I'm unemployed for one, the second thing is that I don't make enough money. I told him how I felt about him hounding me and the way he verbally abuses me all the time. His response is "well get a real job and then we can do some talking." <P>How does one deal with that kind of behavior?

<P>Dear Wzh, <P>I don't think your H is being mean. He feels very strongly about his opinion maybe, but not mean. Have you given any serious thought to finding adequate childcare and getting a job again? I am not saying that is what you should do, just wondering how much you have thought of "his" opinion and his need for your financial support. How is your health now? Can you physically handle emplyment at this time? <P>You said that he has a female friend. I would take this as a red flag. Don't panic, but I feel that the two of you have issues that need to be dealt with. Have you looked at the "his needs/her needs" quiz? I suggest that you print out two copies of this and fill one out for yourself and then fill the other one out as you think your H would answer the quetions and see how that looks to you. <P>Your marriage needs some serious evaluation, a few months down the road you may look back and think that what you are dealing with now is nothing in comparison. Please take serious what he is saying to you and try to find answers before it gets out of control. HE IS STILL TRYING even tho it may seem to he is not. <P>Sorry things are difficult for you. Find the answers now!<P>Negative Balance <P>

Do you think it's really all of a sudden or has resentment been building up in your H during your layoff/surgery recovery? I have to admit I've said similar things to my H. I won't hijack your thread by describing what went on in my situation, but I do believe a lot of our problems boil down to each of us having expectations, and those expectations were matching. For example, if an option is scaling back your lifestyle so you can stay home with kids, the two of you would certainly need to discuss it. My H does things to help out too, but the help that I NEED is often a different color, shape, and size. It sounds like the two of you are on different pages with different expectations. A POJA is definitely in order! I get the impression that communication is strained between the two of you?

I don't think your H is being mean. He feels very strongly about his opinion maybe, but not mean. Have you given any serious thought to finding adequate childcare and getting a job again? I am not saying that is what you should do, just wondering how much you have thought of "his" opinion and his need for your financial support. How is your health now? Can you physically handle emplyment at this time? <P>You said that he has a female friend. I would take this as a red flag. Don't panic, but I feel that the two of you have issues that need to be dealt with. Have you looked at the "his needs/her needs" quiz? I suggest that you print out two copies of this and fill one out for yourself and then fill the other one out as you think your H would answer the quetions and see how that looks to you. <P>Your marriage needs some serious evaluation, a few months down the road you may look back and think that what you are dealing with now is nothing in comparison. Please take serious what he is saying to you and try to find answers before it gets out of control. HE IS STILL TRYING even tho it may seem to he is not. <P>Sorry things are difficult for you. Find the answers now!<P>Negative Balance <BR>[/B][/QUOTE]<P>Thanks for the reply. It's has been almost a month now that my husband has not communicated with me. It was hard in the beginning, because usually I'm the one always running to him begging that we need to stop all this madness and give it one more try. So far, I have not given in yet either. He continues to come home late at night and he has not given ONE night yet to spend with the children either. I can understand the pressures he's experiencing with the house and bills and him operating his business too, but I STILL THINKS THAT HE HIS BITING OFF MORE THAN HE CAN CHEW and putting more pressure on me. Without repeating my whole ordeal, my husband knew that I was unemployed but instead he went ahead and signed a $1200.00 lease for a facility not to mention that he has to pay for liability insurance, electric, tow truck note, pipe bending machine,etc. plus our family bills. He also will be dropping our medical insurance as well. I guess I am not happy with how he is handling things and I feel like he's ordering me around so that HIS needs will be met. I don't see an end to this chaos. I told him that I wanted a divorce and he said OK like it was no big deal. I've talked to several lawyers<BR>and if I had the money to afford one right this minute.........I'm am receiving unemployment benefits right now up until March of next year and it equals to the same amount I was bringing home after paying someone to watch our kids. <P>As far as his needs my needs, he's the kind of person that thinks doing stuff like that is bull%$$^*(. He also feels that it is pointless in seeing a psychologist. So it's either get out or give in ((<BR>

I know how hard it can be to communicate about money! You've described how your H has made financial commitments without your input. For the two of you to be an effective team, each of your opinions must be treated with respect. I'm not very good at doing this myself, but I'll make the suggestion to you in hopes you'll have better luck. You need to speak up to your H and inform him that your opinions of financial matters in the household are worthy of respect. You expect to be treated as an equal partner in this marriage, and your opinions regarding financial decisions MATTER! Or, ... if your H wants to handle all the financial decisions, perhaps you can handle that too... if he provides enough financial support for the entire family so that you can be a stay at home mom. <P>In fairness, he is probably stressed out over the money. The two of you should be each other's safe harbor in this world. It's a shame for either of you to treat the other as an adversary.

I know it can be hard when you are unsure of the steps your husband is taking in starting his business, but it would probably help the situation a great deal if you would be supportive of him. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him, and all the work he does. Just as you want to be appreciated for the work you do as a wife and mother (which is truly a full-time job) - he wants to be appreciated for his hard work and sacrifice. Don't wait for him to tell you he appreciates you to tell him that you appreciate him. Let him know that you trust him to take care of your family. He probably resents that you are trying to *talk some sense into him* regarding financial decision when you don't contribute financially. I do think you have a right to be involved in the decisions, but you must understand how he feels. That would be like him telling you he didn't like the way you clean the house / cook dinner / take care of the children. If you are trying your hardest, and he isn't supportive, you would probably be a little upset. You might ask him "When are YOU going to start cooking/cleaning/etc?" I know it's so difficult to be supportive when you feel so withdrawn, but please try. It might just soften him up. Also, would you consider a part time job? Would that help? Best of luck to you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 4given:<BR><B>I know it can be hard when you are unsure of the steps your husband is taking in starting his business, but it would probably help the situation a great deal if you would be supportive of him. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him, and all the work he does. Just as you want to be appreciated for the work you do as a wife and mother (which is truly a full-time job) - he wants to be appreciated for his hard work and sacrifice. Don't wait for him to tell you he appreciates you to tell him that you appreciate him. Let him know that you trust him to take care of your family. He probably resents that you are trying to *talk some sense into him* regarding financial decision when you don't contribute financially. I do think you have a right to be involved in the decisions, but you must understand how he feels. That would be like him telling you he didn't like the way you clean the house / cook dinner / take care of the children. If you are trying your hardest, and he isn't supportive, you would probably be a little upset. You might ask him "When are YOU going to start cooking/cleaning/etc?" I know it's so difficult to be supportive when you feel so withdrawn, but please try. It might just soften him up. Also, would you consider a part time job? Would that help? Best of luck to you. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Also I thank you for your suggestions. I would like to sit and talk to my husband without him telling the same thing all over again. This time I wish he would really listen to me and how I feel about the decisions that he has been making without me. However, being that I know how he is it's going to be the same thing again; me feeling like the child and him acting like the father He has not spoken to me for almost a month now and I do literaly mean not talking. I feel like I'm giving up my ground if I make the first move and suggest to him that we should talk when he is the one who said that he was just going to be himself from now on since he's not getting any help around here. The only thing he has said to me was,"where is my blue cross card", and "did I get any mail". Other than that he comes home usually late at night and goes to bed and then wake in the morning and leaves. No good by or I'll see you later. He does not call to check on me or the kids and night or even during the day. I'm telling you he has been a true ******* in my eyes. Whe does it always have to be me who has to start the communication again? I hate that. If he continues to be like this...........I don't know.<P>But thanks again. I truly see your point and I do know that my husband is stressed OUT! But my question is how does he expect me to want to hear is plea and be understanding if he's going to be an *******. Sorry about the language.<P>Thanks.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wzh4mq:<BR><B>He NEVER listens to me when it comes to making financial decisions and is very good at belittling me. Now he's about to let his day job go and go into his own business and he hounded me to change what I have been doing and pursue not only health insurance to cover the family, but more hours at work, etc. Do I deserve this. Everything is basically HALF. You have to pay half of the bills in the house is what HE says.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wzh,<BR>Uh oh. I'm sorry, but I do not agree with some of the other posters here. "Been there, done that" and am there NOW, too, and wish to say to you that you are not wrong in your feelings. I do not wish to steal your thread, either, so I won't go into detail of my own situation, but, I do want to tell you a couple of things.<P>First, you ARE working just as hard, if not harder, than your H. If he had to PAY for someone to do child care, housekeeping duties, laundry, and all the rest, he couldn't afford it! Some big psychologist once worked it out on paper and discovered that the "fee" for all that a wife/mother does comes to more than $100,000 per year, if one had to pay for those services! <P>Second, there is a big clue in the paragraph I copied/pasted above that you wrote. He wants YOU to support his latest hoped-for venture, a business of his own. He probably cannot afford private health insurance, so it's necessary for you to find a job with all the benefits. Another 'clue' is where you said he makes all of the big purchases in the family and has put you both into debt. Now he sounds angry that YOU are not helping to dig him out of the hole and my advice here is watch out. <P>I found out the hard way that there is something very wrong with a situation like this. Your H sounds controlling and I think you are starting to feel that way about him too. His behavior towards you is inexcusable and is not proper by any means.<P>No one has the right to demand, decide, or otherwise cajole someone else into choosing a life's path for them. To me, that is not a sign of 'love.' Love is being supportive of each other and that means respectful of each other's feelings, hopes and desires. It should be talked out together and whatever decision you make about how to live your life should be met with a supportive attitude. Let me ask you this one question: did he talk over his desire to start his own business with you and ask for YOUR input? I bet he didn't! Just a hunch here, but like I said, "been there, done that." <P>Any man who demands his spouse help support the household has something going on inside of him that is not quite right, I'm afraid. It shows a lack of respect and willingness to live up to the marriage vows. "Love, honor and cherish" means to hold dear--and there is NO price tag attached!<P>Just remember this: when respect flies out the window, love is sure to quickly follow it. <P>Good luck to you...just wanted to offer my two cents' worth..<P>Hugs,<BR>Winny

Hi,<P>I was there too, I wasn't working because we had agreed that I would care for the kids until they were at school. But at every opportunity, he kept pushing me out the door to get some money in. This was especially so when we were OS (he still is I'm not), where he was making a lot of money anyway, so it wasn't financial for him....more of a feeling of "the wife should be pulling her weight, here". I just felt he belittled the job I was doing at home.<P>Well, I didn't realise how strong his feelings were about me working until we split up....and I said, I will have to get part time work until youngest is in school. He gave me a multitude of things I could do with youngest child while I worked full time. Course, now I suppose he wants me to work to reduce his child care payments!!!<P>Well now, you have a legitimate reason for not working, and you can see some of the true attitudes coming out. I feel for you...it's not something you will be able to change. Look at the family of origin...what did his mother do?<P>My MIL stayed on the farm until the kids were grown (hence my stupid belief that he would be supportive of my decision to do the same), and then she went out to work. My mother worked all her life, which for us meant childcare or coming home to an empty house, and responsibilities we shouldn't have had at such a young age. That is where my belief comes from, that a mother ought to be there for her kids. The family of origin (FOO) can be a big influence, but I never saw my H's mindset coming!!!<P>Not a lot of help I know, just thought I'd let you know there's another man out there like yours!<P>