I am not sure if he is lying when he talks. It is hard to decide. He speaks so genuinely. He never cries, not in his nature, but he tells me while stroking my hair that he won't cheat again. That when I worry it is just hurting myself. That he loves me and wouldn't do it again. But then I find stuff on the phone bill or reciepts that are suspicious. The worst part is that I trusted him so much before that he could do anything and I would have never known. But now I look through ever and anything just to catch him. It's almost masochistic. I don't want to be this way, I want to trust. But it is so hard I don't know if I can. Would a good person lie like that? Look you straight in the eye and tell you a bald faced lie? I don't think I would be capable. I don't want to think he is capable. But he's done it before. Do any of you think a good person is capable of lying?<BR>

Jenni,<BR>EVERYONE lies at some point or another in their lives. Even little "white lies" are still lies, regardless of what we call them. Even very 'good' people lie, it's just a part of being human.<P>Just like you, I desperately want to believe my H (the former WS) when he tells me he was innocent and there was no A. I want so much to believe him that it's almost a physical pain!! However, I caught him in so many lies, from little white ones to huge whoppers, that I find an issue with trusting him now. I think any BS does. It is really a self defense mechanism kicking into gear, and who could blame us? The pain and horrible emotions that a cheating spouse causes in the BS is so intense that it causes us to go into a period of grieving and actual mourning. <P>I wish I had some words of advice to offer you, Jenni, but I don't. Just hang in there and keep on reading and posting here. I just sent for the SAA book and can't wait to read it. I think from everyone's opinions on it that it must be a great book full of very useful information.<P>Sending you some prayers for peace of mind and a few hugs, too...<BR>Winny<P>

Thank you Winny for your kind words. I just don't know if we are being made fools of or not. You mentioned in your post that everyone lies. That is true. I find myself lying about checking up on my H. When he asks, have you been checking my voice mail? I always reply NO! Even though we are supposed to be able to according to the no secrets part of the agreement. I just don't want to hear him complain. But to actually be able to look him in the eye and say I hadn't slept with someone when I know I had, I am not sure I could do that. <P>He has been trying to be good about letting me know things. Every once in a while we can really talk. I always try not to be critical or to be overly inquisitive when he is discussing anything about the A. I know that he doesn't want to give me details. But I just feel like he continues to fantasize about what his life would have been like if he had stayed away. And although he did stay with me, I always feel like maybe I was second prize. The one he had to stay with because we have children together. So now he lies to keep his family together and he lies to OW to keep the "true love" in his life.<P>Thanks for listening<P>Jenni

Jenni - my husband would lie to me right to my face and it hurt me bad. I felt betrayed and taken for granted. I would never confront him about something unless I knew the truth first (which I always found out from someone else). And when I would confront him, he would tell me right to my face, a big fat lie. My husband left a month ago today and we had our first counseling session this past Wednesday. Believe me, I found out things I did not know that bothered him because there was definately lack of communication in our marriage. He did admit to the therapist that he lies to me and she told him that if you lie to others, your lying to yourself. He told the therapist the real reason he left was because I caused him stress. Well, I never knew how to calmly discuss things with my husband and when he did lie to me, I would flip out at him and bring up the past and all the wrong things he has done since I have been with him. I have learned that doing what I have done was totally wrong. I know its hard to trust someone who has lied to you so many times, I've been there. I definately have a hard time trusting anything he tells me. I told him he is like the little boy who cried wolf. I've been reading a very good book called Fighting for Your Marriage and in one section it states that 1. Trust builds over time 2. Trust has the greatest chance of being rebuilt when each partner takes appropriate responsibility 3.If you've lost trust, recognize that you can do more today to further damage it than to regain it 4. Surveillance doesn't increase trust. <P>I just wanted to share my experience because I've been there too, your not alone. Good luck.

Hi, Jenni!<BR>You're very welcome,new friend. Believe me, I know how hard it is when a spouse wanders! My own H had an EA/?A last year, and suddenly, "truth" went out the window. I never knew him to tell such bald-faced lies before, but when I tumbled on to what was going on, I guess that at first, he felt he had no choice BUT to lie. It was rediculous, of course, because the lies just compounded. One lie led to another and so on.<P>That was last year and this is now. While our relationship is far from perfect, it is still MUCH better than it was a year ago. My H now knows that if he tells me the truth, I will not attack him or use disrespectful judgement on him. I truly do care about his feelings and he knows this now. I urge you to read all of Dr. Harley's information. The man really does know how to help marriages in trouble, and he has helped mine tremendously.<P>Just remember that you cannot change another person. The only one you can change is yourself; the trick is in knowing what to change and how. Good luck! It was good to hear from you again!<P>Hugs always,<BR>Winny

Thank you ela for your words. You have no idea how much your response has imacted me. Especially the end when you said that surviellance doesn't help with trust. Those words really touched me. I am definately going to read that book. <P>Thank you too Winny! your words of wisdom always make me feel better. <P>I am really learning alot in this forum. It is helping me cope with every day life and I guess that is what it is for! sometimes I get so busy I forget to look at the forum but then it seems at the end of the day when everything is quiet, I remember my friends here. Thank you all so much for your kind words and generous advice.<P>Jenni