The first 13 months of my second marriage were great, I married a man 18 years my senior who had raised his 3 boys himself and said he was looking for a spouse to fill his days and be his partner in his later life, kids were ok, we discussed it before the marriage. Although he'd been married 4 times before, I took a chance because my new husband was very attentive and kind, we did "everything" together and shared the bills. He was very good to my children and I thought I'd found my partner for life. But on our second Christmas together he suddenly turned cold and cranky, didn't want to participate in any Christmas activities, downright cussed us over it. In January, he dumped all the household bills on my except the mortgage, insisted I get a full time job (I was working part time), separated every household thing-does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, goes shopping separately from us, etc. He won't eat with us anymore, he dominates the frontroom tv and has put tv's in the kids' rooms (I have a boy and girl, 9 and 14). He says he doesn't want to go back 19 years to the way it was then, says I'm trying to change him into someone he's not. He says this is only his house, I have no right to change or decorate anything, doesn't want me to use any of his equipment or do anything in the yard. He says I should be happy to pay the household bills because after all, he pays the mortgage and house insurance and he maintains my car so I don't have to pay to have it done. He says his definition of a spouse is not a love-partner or soul-mate, he says he's not talking about "emotional crap", but a domestic partner who made an official contract, that's his view of a marriage, a government-registered contract. For the past 8 months I've felt like a houseguest in my own "home". Everyone's advice was that this was just "the honeymoon's over" syndrome and it would get better, but I was ready to file, had a trailer picked out to rent and everything. But the past couple of weeks, he's been attentive again and acting like his old self. I wonder now if I should wait it out and see if it stays better....?

WOW YOU GOT A REAL RINGER. FIRST BEFORE YOU MARRY ANYONE YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS PERSON FOR A GOOD 2 YEARS.TRUE COLORS TEND TO COME OUT DURING THIS PERIOD OF TRYING TO KNOW THE TRUENESS IN A PERSON.4 DIVORSES FOR THIS MAN MEANS TO ME THERES A BIG PROBLEM HERE ..... WHY ??????? 4 FAILURES WITH LIFETIME COMMITMENTS MEANS ??? YOU CAN PROBABLY FIGURE THIS ANSWER OUT ON YOUR OWN , IS THERE A TREND HERE. THIS MAN IS STILL LIVING IN THE HURT AND PAIN OF HIS PAST RELATIONSHIPS AND FALURES.I THINK HE IS DAMAGED GOODS .18 YEARS YOUR SENIOR ??? I DOUBT U HAVE MUCH IN COMON DO YOU WATER SKI TOGETHER , SNOW SKI,SURF, SWIM, HIKE, ANY HOBBIES OR FAMILY ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE WITH U AND THE KIDS ???? PROBABLY NOT !!!! IM SORRY IM NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN BUT I FEEL YOU MADE A BAD DECISION. GET THE HELL OUTTA OF THERE WHAT HES DOING ISNT NORMAL IN THE MENTAL ASPECT. VERY UNHEALTY FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS .THOSE CHILDREN DONT NEED TO BE SUBJECTED TO A JECKELL AND HIDE PERSONALITY AND THINK THAT THIS IS A NORMAL WHY OF LIFE . SOON THEY ALSO WILL BECOME DAMAGED GOODS SHORTLY AFTER YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM <BR>GET OUT NOW AND RAISE YOUR KIDS TO FIT YOUR PERSONALITY TEACH THEM YOUR GOOD MORAL VALUES. IN A NORMAL HOUSEHOLD WHERE YOU CAN ALL EAT TOGETHER EVERYNIGHT AT THE DINNER TABLE AND NOT WONDER IF TOMORROW YOU HAVE TO EAT APART FROM PART OF THE HOUSEHOLD AGAIN BECAUSE HYDES BACK HOME . GET IT I HOPE SO .

1 LAST THING DONT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS ITS NOT YOUR FAULT . THIS CLOWN LED U ON. HE TURNED THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN ON U . AND HE IS FLIPED HEHEH GET IT ?? ANYWAY THIS GUY HAS DEEP SCARES THAT WHERE PROBABLY INFLICTED CLOSE TO OR ON X-MAS. TO PULL WHAT HE DID ON U IS SCAREY. NEXT TIME HE WILL BECOME EVEN MORE BAZAR.. THE ONLY THING U CAN BE BLAMED FOR IS IF U DONT GET U AND YOURS THE HELL OUTTA THERE. HES A JECKEL AND HYDE.U NEED TO RAISE YOUR KIDS TO FIT YOUR PERSONALITY AND EAT DINNER WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT AT THE DINNER TABLE AND NOT HAVE TO WONDER IF JECKEL OR HYDE IS COMING FOR DINNER TONIGHT OR NOT ????? THIS MAN WILL EFFECT U AND THE KIDS MENTALY AFTER AWHILE. SHOW YOUR KIDS A PEACEFULL AND TRUSTING HOME AWAY FROM THIS GUY. HES A CREEP TO HAVE DONE THIS TO YOU .KICK HIM IN THE NUTS ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR LOL HEHEHE REALLY DO IT YOULL FEEL BETTER AND HE DESERVES IT.. BYE GOOD LUCK

<BR>Hi Shaylene,<P>Sorry to hear you are having a hard time with your husband and marriage. You must want to stay with him and get this right between the two of you or you wouldn't be posting here. I have a few idea's that you may want to think over and see if it could somehow apply to your situation. <P>Could it be that your H was/is stressed out financially? Was the first Christmas an expense THAT HE WAS NOT use to? Everyone has their own idea of Christmas. I am thinking if it was a bad experience financially on the first Christmas together, maybe your second Christmas was "panic" for him. You also mention that he does not want you to decorate, well that too can get expensive. He HAS reason(s) for his behavior, could any of this play into your senerio? Is he feeling neglected in any way or feeling like he is on the bottom of your list? According to you, he has changed; have you asked yourself how you have changed? <P>You say things are better now. First all, I am glad that they are; but have you'all "loving" discussed why he went through such a change in his attitude towards you, the family in general, the finances and how he isolated himself from you in so many ways? IF you do not have answers, you are not on a good "permanent path" to resolving these issues. Because until you know what the issues are, the problems can't be fixed! <P>Take care, <BR>Negative Balance <P><BR> <P>

No financial stress from Christmas, I paid for everything but his mom's gift and that's because he wanted to pick it out himself. As far as decorating, everything I wanted to put up was either already mine or his or minor things, not expensive, and since I have my own income, I can afford anything needed-all I want is to put up curtains in the bedroom and some trinkets in the living room. He wants the house like an office building, books and magazines on the tables and only white blinds on the windows. I have no idea why he changed because whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he puts me off, says it's not an appropriate time to talk, for example, if I try to talk on a Tues. evening, he wants me to wait until Saturday when we can talk about it, but then on Saturday, he says he has to go take care of his mom or something so we'll have to talk next week, etc.

here's a copy of more detail about the christmas problem...<BR>I married my second husband in Nov. 1999, and our first Christmas together was wonderful! We had a real family Christmas, we had agreed to do Christmas eve with my folks and Christmas day with his brother because it was a tradition he had kept before, taking his mother who is disabled up to his brother's every year. We spent Christmas eve with my folks, dinner and presents, then went home and opened the family presents the next morning, then taking his mom up to his brothers for dinner. It was wonderful, I even video taped some of it and sent it to my best freind and she said we looked like such a perfect family. But the next year, I thought it would be the same, we did spend Christmas eve with my folks, but my husband was watching the clock the whole time and told me I should have called before we left to tell my mom it wasn't nec. to make a dinner because we would eat at home. He stayed long enough for the presents to be opened, then wanted to rush off home. On the way home, we discussed plans for the next day and he said we probably should open the family presents that evening because there was some ice still in the area, and we may have trouble getting to his brother's house the next day (his brother lives in a genuine hillbilly tarpaper shack up on a mountain, it's hard to get up there in bad weather even when other roads are ok). So when we got home, I asked him about opening presents and he said he had two phone calls to make and then he'd be ready. He called his mom, and his brother and then I asked him about the presents as it was 10pm and getting late, and he snapped my head off, said we could open them ourselves without him, he was watching tv! So we went ahead, and left his presents under the tree. The next morning, I was still in bed, and my husband was in the frontroom, I heard my boy (7), presenting my husband's stocking to him (which he had filled with my help the night before), and I heard my husband tell him he didn't want it, couldn't he see he was eating breakfast!!, then, after he had finished and I was up, my son tried again and told him there was something very special inside, and he pushed it away and said, "can't you see I'm watching tv, I don't want it!!" I hurried and got everyone ready to go by 8am because he said he wanted to leave early because of the weather, but he watched tv until 10am, we would have had ample time to do our presents had I known that. After we got home from his brother's house, I confronted him, and asked why he was so upset and cranky, and he said "so you're saying I failed as a family member just because i didn't sit down and open your stupid presents like a good little boy?, I'm not letting anyone force me into thier time frame". When I told him it was his idea to do the presents that night, he said he didn't care, we were trying to force him to be in a typical family situation that he didn't agree with, he said he was too old to go back 20 years to that stage (he's 59). He said that this year he wasn't going to his family reunion, Thanksgiving or Christmas because he didn't want to go through all the s@!% again. How do you handle something like that? My boy was devastated, he's never had a dad before (his dad died when he was 1 year), and he was so thrilled to be able to make a special present for his new dad!<BR>[This message has been edited by Shaylene (edited July 25, 2001).]<P>