<P>I let my H know this afternoon that I am tired of the lies. He explained that he was to never talk to ow again, but I and he knows this is a lie. He will just find another way. What broke my heart is when my son told us how happy he was in our family. That he was lucky because the majority of kids in his class had divorced parents. That he loved his brother and all of us. (we were having lunch all together after school). <P>My husband says if I kick him out he will dissolve the corporation that we have together, because I told him that I would not work with him anymore. He says we will loose everthing and have to go back to living on a very small salary. He said without me he would kill himself. He said he would only make it a few months and would die. I have NEVER heard him talk like this before. He says OW is an addiction that he wants to get rid of but doesn't know how. Is this to say that he doesn't want to live like this, but at the same time he won't read a freaking book to help himself? I am so confused. After everything I continue to be the only one who has supported this marriage. I have done everything I can to make things right again between us. I do believe I have his love but I also think he still loves OW. What should I do? If he does't let her go my son will be another statistic in his class. If I don't let go I will go crazy. If he doesn't do something to fix this, our entire family, the way we know it, is gone forever.<P>I am scared as hek, and I am sad very very sad.<P>Jenni

Well,<P>If I had kicked my h out aftewr the first A, the second may not have happened. I just didn't have the guts.<P>You are telling him what is not acceptable, and he is giving you all the reasons why he can't do this...but don't leave him or he'll kill himself. Ask him this: Is it worth dying for or at least losing his family over? Must be a hellava lover affair if it is. <P>You must make a stand, but you must do what feels right in your own heart. Looking back, if I had left when I said I was goimg to, when he still had strong feelings for me, it might have turned out differently.<P>Staying may have meant to him that it was okay to have affairs....cos he did it again.

jenii- I was in a similar situation with my H a few months ago. He was in a very involved EA/PA with a single coworker and told me he was out of love with me and in love with her.He said our marriage was hopeless and counseling wouldnt help. That our marriage was over in his head before his affair turned physical. We had no intimate life for 6 mo. during all this. It WAS an addiction with him. I asked him to move out which he did for a month then he moved back home saying he wanted to reconcile but still didnt stop secret contact with OW. Finally OW pressured him to file for divorce on me in April and thats the thing that snapped him back into reality. He filed on me and I was served with papers and that very night he broke down and agreed to go to counseling. He said he didnt know how to stop the cycle he was in. Our counselor told him to get control of his thoughts because they lead to his feelings which lead to his actions. Maybe you could explain this to your H. We are now in recovery but its been very difficult and counseling and no contact has been a must! Take care- lifeismessy

Thanks a lot for your posts. <P>It is so helpful although sad, to know that I am not alone in this fight. I did want to mention to lifeismessy that the phone cards is how my H had been contacting OW. When you get on the phone at least on Voicestream, you can dial *easy it will take you to a menu after a few seconds that will let you hear the history of all phone calls. Including the history of any day that you choose. I have become a "private investigator" after all of this.<P>The other thing is, we own our own business. Recently we had someone who quit and we had to hire someone in a pinch. H asked if he could hire OW's brother in law. I said NO WAY! but then he reminded me that he doesn't know what happened. That if he did OW and her sister would be extremely embarrased and Horrified. (they come from a different culture and this is true although it seems really weird they are not open to discussing things like we are here) So after much thought I wrote a letter to OW. Saying in the letter that her new brother in law was going to be working for us, as she probably already knew. But that what she didn't know is that if I see her number on the caller ID at work, and that my secretary at the office downtown was on the look out for her number, and that if she tried or contacted my H, I would tell her brother in law EVERYTHING! Not only that but he would be fired. (this is a job that he REALLY needs). I felt like a real B****. and it is totally out of character for me to make threats, however I have come to my last straw. I am happy to report that OW is no longer calling my H office downtown. Also, he is giving me free reign on his telephone, I can check it whenever I need to including the form that is a way he has no idea of how to do and that is to check the history. there have been no calls as of yet. Now, I realize that the chances are pretty good that they can just call from payphones or whatever. But what else I know is that it is much harder to keep up a relationship when you can hardly ever talk to each other. <P>Seems like these problems are so trivial in comparison to the terrible tragedy of yesterday. Trying to put things into perspective.<P>Jenni

Jenni,<BR>I am relatively new at this, but from your letter it appears to me as if your H is using blackmail to continue his marriage with you and his affair.<P>He is trying to keep you with him through both a financial need "closing the business" and an type of guilt trip "killig himself".<P>You would never allow someone else to get away with blackmail. Why let him? He needs to make some decisions on what is important to him. If the OW is so important that he can't give her up then that is his choice. You will survive.<P>If he chooses to try to kill himself, again that is his choice. Not your fault or your responsibility. Urge him to get some help. But don't allow him to blackmail you.<P>KatDoll

Thanks a lot for that reply. I think you are right, I am going to have a talk with him today. I think this is just gone too far. I need to consider myself. But do you know that the worst thing about this, it makes me mad, because I know if I make him leave, she will win. Sometimes I think about just keeping him around for a while, I will just have my own life and I won't let him know that the reason why I keep him around is so that she can't have him full time and her life will be miserable. I don't have to say why I am keeping him around. Just make him think that it is because I want him. I feel so evil sometimes. I know I wouldn't do it but sometimes I really feel like it.<P>Sorry if this is rambling, but people keep asking me questions here at work while I am trying to write this as fast as I can.<P>Thanks for your help!!<P>Jenni

Jenni, <P>I certainly understand your wanting to get even with her and keep him around to punish her. But, if you let her **win** as you put it. What is she winning? A cheating spouse? Sounds to me like that is not much of a prize. If you go and read the DR.'s articles on Honesty the one on Past honesty makes the point of, IF you did it before you are liable to do it again.<P>OK, so if she wins, he is liable to do to her what he and she did to you. There is no need for you to punish her What goes around comes around.<P>OH,BTW ty for your post to my letter.<P>Good luck to you<P>Katdoll