My husband wants to know who the other man is. He wants to see him, know as many details as possible about him. I've tried to discourage this but he seems hell bent to have his way. Are there any words or...? that I can use to reason with him?

If the roles were reversed would you not want to know who the other woman is? You need to be open and honest with your husband or your husband will always think that you desire to protect your OM is more important than the feelings of your own husband. Is this indeed the case?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>If the roles were reversed would you not want to know who the other woman is? You need to be open and honest with your husband or your husband will always think that you desire to protect your OM is more important than the feelings of your own husband. Is this indeed the case?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No. Or at least I don't think so. I thought I was protecting my husbands feelings

My h had 2 A's...1st one...he told me a lot of bulls*** about the OW. I didn't know here anyway, but I wanted to see what I was up against. He told me she worked with him, she was white, she was blond, her nationality, her economic position....it was all lies.<P>I found out later of course when he decided to tell the truth, and it brought such a lot of pain to think he told me these things not to protect me, but to protect HER. Are you protecting OM? This is what your H thinks, believe me, and it is insulting.<P>2nd A...I knew this one, friends had suspected and one of them told him to tell me or she would...so he wasn't game to lie.<P>Keeping the truth from him will NOT help. He needs to know so he can deal with it...he wouldn't ask if he didn't want to know. Many BS's are hurt just as much by the lies as the A.<P><BR>I vote for tell him if he wants to know.<BR>

You may believe you are protecting him but in reality you are not. Your husband probably has a list in his mind who it could be and probably feels very insecure everytime he sees you talking to someone or hearing another man's name in a coversation. He is wondering to himself is this the OM? I know you do not want to do this but you are mentally torturing him by refusing to tell him who it was. Again your husband's only reasonable conclusion is that your priority is with the OM and not him. Your husband probably also believes that by not telling him then the affair may not really be over.<BR>By not telling him he will believe that the affair is continuing or could start at anytime because he does not know who it is. I think what you are doing is very damaging to your marriage in the long run and very hurtful to your husband at the same time. He has asked you and you have refused which is a continuation of disrespect you are showing him. He forgave you and you still will not be open and honest with him. I know this sounds harsh but this is the way betrayed husbands think. Clearly this is very important to him. Do you wish to save your marriage or not?

As a BS, I would feel the hesitancy to tell meant that you still wanted to protect your OM. My H did that, lied to <BR>save HER marriage for almost 6 years. Unfortunately, I knew her only too well, my former best friend. I am still sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my sewing room after finding out they were in MY bedroom. Makes me sick.<P>Anyway, please tell him. His imagination might be worse than the reality.