my wife and i have been split for 9 weeks now.i have done every thing possible to show her how i am sorry for our problems and am now going to a counsler, reading books doing whatever it takes to understand why i became a person labeled open aggresive anger. i have made great improvement and have provin that i will never again become abusive in any way. i had a wake up call and realized i had become a mean ugly person. i hated what i saw and what i had become and still am ashamed of myself for this behavior and never want to live in such a terrible state of mind again. i created alot of anger and hurt in my wife towards me.we have spent alot of time together lately talking about everything in hopes of resolving our problems .she says she loves me but shes no longer in love with me . same here at first but after my wake up call i realize i have a new found love for her. but she keeps telling me she needs time shes not sure when or if she will be able to open her heart back up to me. she said she wants to be friends again first so she will spend 2 maybe 3 days at our house with me but i will sleep on the couch and she sleeps in our bed . we arent having any type of physical relations at all per her request and i am respecting that and not pushing the issue.she says im beggining to feel like we are becoming friends again but the same old story she isnt letting go of the past and giving us an opportunity to try to work things out by getting back togethr again.ive said to her that you wont feel the love again unless you open your heart up to me and allow yourself to see if your love for me can be rekindled. other wise u cant recieve the package if you dont open the door for the delivery man. she continues to live at her dads and ive found myself to be growing impatient and a little bit resentfull that she still living at her dads. im getting tired of waiting for her to make up her mind. how long will this continue??? should i have more patience with her ??? ive been doing everthing during this seperation by her ground rules but she seems to be on the stall for some reason . she has seen the change in me but im sure she wants to be positive that its not temporary.and i dont blame her .im i wrong for not understanding what the hell she is waiting for.am i wrong for feeling like shes just playing a game of stall tactics?????

LIR,<BR>I was once married to a very abusive man (my ex H). His abuse was the type that was always just beneath the surface, but as time went by, it became very open and very violent. Let me assure you that when a person has felt fear for their own personal safety, especially when that threat comes from one's own spouse, it can take an enormous amount of time, if ever, for any feelings even approaching love to return.<P>Unless you yourself have been in this position, you cannot possibly know or understand the hell that the abused spouse has suffered. So many issues come into play that it would take a book to list them all, so I won't even try. Just please take my word for it, that IF she is ever to develop feelings of love, or trust or comfort with you again, it is going to take time--LOTS of time. Don't think of it as a stall tactic because you can't put a time limit on when feelings will heal. <P>You say you've been seperated for 9 weeks, which to you feels like a long time. I can almost guarantee you that for HER, the first few weeks were spent in just calming down and getting her feet back on the ground again. She is adjusting again to feeling safe, and even that is going to take some time. It is going to feel very good to her, after having felt so bad for so long a time. She probably doesn't want all that much to do with you right now, and having "been there", I can tell you that if she even allows you in the same room with her at this time, that's a good start. <P>You need to be very patient and to understand that the damage that has been done may never be undone. Yes, you said you are taking all kinds of corrective action and that is very commendable. However, it is going to take you a lot of time, too, to become the sort of man you know you want to be. The bad situation in your marriage didn't happen overnight, and so the "cure" isn't going to happen overnight, either.<P>Good luck to you and I hope some of what I've said made some sense. By the way, I divorced my first H and never once looked back. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Let's hope this isn't what happens with you and your W, but if it does, then at least you'll come away a far better man.<P>God bless,<BR>Winny

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Winnytoo:<BR><B>LIR,<BR>I was once married to a very abusive man (my ex H). His abuse was the type that was always just beneath the surface, but as time went by, it became very open and very violent. Let me assure you that when a person has felt fear for their own personal safety, especially when that threat comes from one's own spouse, it can take an enormous amount of time, if ever, for any feelings even approaching love to return. thnx for your reply it makes very good sense you are very wise . i will heed what you said and try to be patient considering your advise thnx again<P>Unless you yourself have been in this position, you cannot possibly know or understand the hell that the abused spouse has suffered. So many issues come into play that it would take a book to list them all, so I won't even try. Just please take my word for it, that IF she is ever to develop feelings of love, or trust or comfort with you again, it is going to take time--LOTS of time. Don't think of it as a stall tactic because you can't put a time limit on when feelings will heal. <P>You say you've been seperated for 9 weeks, which to you feels like a long time. I can almost guarantee you that for HER, the first few weeks were spent in just calming down and getting her feet back on the ground again. She is adjusting again to feeling safe, and even that is going to take some time. It is going to feel very good to her, after having felt so bad for so long a time. She probably doesn't want all that much to do with you right now, and having "been there", I can tell you that if she even allows you in the same room with her at this time, that's a good start. <P>You need to be very patient and to understand that the damage that has been done may never be undone. Yes, you said you are taking all kinds of corrective action and that is very commendable. However, it is going to take you a lot of time, too, to become the sort of man you know you want to be. The bad situation in your marriage didn't happen overnight, and so the "cure" isn't going to happen overnight, either.<P>Good luck to you and I hope some of what I've said made some sense. By the way, I divorced my first H and never once looked back. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Let's hope this isn't what happens with you and your W, but if it does, then at least you'll come away a far better man.<P>God bless,<BR>Winny</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

thnx for your reply you are very wise i appreciate your insight and will heed your words of wisdom and experiance by trying to be more patient,and understanding <BR>thnx again

LIR,<BR>You are very welcome. You sound like a very caring person, and that is wonderful. I hope that in time, your W will see this and allow you back in to her life. Patience...patience.<P>Hugs,<BR>Winny