Dear Help my marriage...<BR>Your letter grabbed at my heart for very personal reasons. What I want to say to you is most likely painful to hear, but it's from a perspective very similar to yours. I, too, am considered by some as "mildly handicapped" as I suffer from a very rare bone disease, something very much like bone cancer (I've had it now for the past 6 years). I spent about 4 of those years in a wheelchair, but happily, I can walk now. My joints are being replaced, one by one, and it has put a terrible strain on my marriage. Not only have our physical, emotional and mental reserves been strained to the max, but our financial health went out the window, too. <P>About a year ago, my H buckled under the strain and for the first time ever in our whole time together (17 years), his heart and mind wandered. He had an EA with a woman that we both know and who I once considered a friend. Unless someone has been in the position of having a spouse with a serious chronic illness, they can't know or understand what it feels like to them. That goes for the spouse who is ill, too. I had NO idea that my H would ever be unfaithful to me, but once I found out about the EA, the flood gates opened up and we began to communicate. What I found out not only surprised me, it shocked me into reality.<P>At first, I was horrified, then very angry, and then came bitterness. Going through the whole range of emotions, I finally came to the place where I stopped blaming myself and my illness. We did not ask to be ill, but on the other side of the coin, our spouses had no clear idea what it would be like coping with an ill partner, either. I learned to give him room--lots of room--mentally and emotionally. I stopped 'clinging' to him, and learned to really stand on my own two feet (so to speak) and gained a new sense of independence and self worth. This meant that while I still loved him like crazy, I had to mentally distance myself from the situation at hand and concentrate on what was good for me. He eventually saw the change in me and liked it. <P>This is hard to say to you or to anyone in our position, but it needs being said: one of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship is to be too needy. That means, once the spouse/SO realizes or perceives that he or she is necessary in their partner's life for their very existance, a burden has been placed on them. It's a huge burden, and when viewed through those marriage vows ("for better or worse, in sickiness and in health"), it takes on a whole new meaning. The ill spouse must do what is good for them and for their health, and must develop a kind of hard shell. That is, they have to let their partner know that while he/she is important in one's life, they are NOT the be all and end all. We can make it on our own, and make it very well, I might add. Once that feeling of burden is lifted, things can come back to center again and really change for the better.<P>An old saying goes: "It's easy to love a saint." When someone is healthy, active, and productive and able to keep up with his/her partner, it's easy to keep those vows. But throw in a terrible illness or two, and then it's not so easy. <P>Honestly, I think your W is far more handicapped than you are, Help. She has been in and out of the hospital for mental illness which is itself is a terrible handicap. My prayers are with you both, as you sure do need them.<P>Just concentrate for now on what's good for YOU. Read all you can here on this site, and by all means, TALK to her. Don't accuse her of anything, but get her talking to you about her innermost feelings. You found writings of hers indicating an interest in another man, so ask her about them. Do it calmly, without blame or anger, and do it from the perspective of 'what can we do to make our situation better.'<P>Good luck to you and please do keep on posting here. I care, and I'm sure a lot of us here do, too. <P>God Bless...and many hugs,<BR>Winny<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited September 26, 2001).]
