I have been married just under 7 years. The job I have takes me away very often, usually a couple of weeks at a time. This time, my job has taken me to another country, for a year. I have been here for a month now and my wife wants a separation.<P> Well over the last 2 weeks I have received a couple of e-mails from some good friends. They were ads, on personal sites my wife had placed. I also found some very adult and very graphic chats, with a man that is married. They have exchanged pics and I am not sure if they were nudes or not. She has a few and will not even send them to me. She says see does not feel comfortable sending them to me. She is self-conscious about her body. Well the pic posted in one of the ads is her in a bra, from the waist up. <P> At this point, she does not know that I have this knowledge. Two days ago, she has changed her tune toward me. She is now trying to work out our differences. But I am not sure if I can do that. It hurt so much to find out that the woman of my dreams is looking for another man. Having cybersex with another man. <P> I really love her and would give my life for her. There is nothing I would not do for her. But I am not sure how to handle all this. I am so angry and so hurt. But I am also scared to loose her. I will listen to any advice that is given. Please help, I do not know what to do.<BR> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

looking,<BR>I am not sure how much you have read here at MB about emotional needs and the Love bank, <P>But I am wondering, with you being gone so much if your W isn't already feeling or in the past has felt like she was married to a phantom?<P>She might be needing more from you then what you can give with a job that takes you away like this.<P>Is there anyway she could travel with you?<P>-Kat-

I am tring to get her here with me now. She did know before se got married that I would be gone alot. We have been having this problem for a long time. The first time we realy started to have problems I left for a 3 month job. 2 weeks after I was gone she was with another man, while baring my first child. It took alot for me to forgive her. I grew up in a family that talked about what was wrong and settled them fast. She will hold on to the past and through it in my face years later. After I have opoligized and tried to show her that I was sorry. I am always paying for my mistakes, they never get settled. And now she has done this. The married man that she had cybersex and exchanged pics with was her best friends H. That realy hurt. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I am sorry that you are going through this pain. I can understand how hurt you are.<P>I am not defending your W by any means, but I do know that I will hang onto an issue if I feel that my feelings weren't validated.<P>A lot of times all it takes is. "honey, I am so sorry, I sure can understand why you feel that way"<P>And as for her knowing before you got married that you traveled a lot, sometimes the knowledge and the reality are two different things.<P>You should not have to repeatedly have to apologize for your mistakes, and she needs to learn how to comunicate with you better.<P>Read the information on this site to help you, in teaching her how.<P>-Kat-

thank you for sheding light on thigs for me. I will look at the site and take it to heart. I realy want us to work. Again thank you.

you welcome, and come back and talk if you need to that is what this forum is all about<P>good luck<P>Prayers for you and yours<P>-Kat-

I want to know how you accessed that information! I would like to get into my H's computer for proof of his A BEFORE we separated.

I got it form her best friend. she thought I sould know about it. The add was a fluke. A friend of mine that knows my W came acrossed it looking for a mate.<P>I hope you have good luck in getting it. I know it will not be easy. And thank you agian.

Dear Lookingforananswer,<P>It seems like you are in a bind. I really don't think her faithlessness has anything to do with your being absent for long periods due to work. You are working for your family's benefit not just your own. <P>I think you need to accept the reality of the situation that she is not committed to the marriage. Taking her back will just mean you will be facing the same problem over and over again and getting hurt repeatedly. <P>Ending it when you found her cheating when she was pregnant with your child the first time would have enabled you to have moved on earlier. <P>It hurts to be separated from someone you love but eventually that hurt will end as the mind always heals as a cut heals, but staying in this situation and hoping she will change will hurt more in the long run as you will be hurt over and over again (like picking at a scab over and over again so it never heals). <P>It becomes almost an addictive process. You hope the person will change (you hope to win the jackpot), you see small signs (you win a little here and there) and this keeps your hopes going so you keep trying and taking her back. Break the cycle. Understand her. Understand that you can never change anyone. The only thing that you can control is yourself. <P>If you can accept her as she is then take her back. If you can't and want her to change, don't. Changing yourself so that she will change doesn't work. I don't think there is anything for you to change as you sound like a good person, so why do you have to apologise?<P>I think the quicker you decide to cut loose this relationship the quicker you will heal. You will go through depression and all the other stages of gireving. Don't fight them. And more importantly try to forgive her - don't take anything personally. I know from experience that you will find it harder to get over it if you harbour ill-will. I believe you can still be angry and forgive. It is just important for you to acknowledge your feelings and in spite of how you feel, forgive her, remenber that she did love you once. <P>MsAnna.

I want to thank you. I just had a long talk with my W. She told me she has finally realized that she has been running from me for the last 6 years. That she was not giving me the chance I deserved. This is the first time she has said this. I think, if she can stop running, we will work things out. She is listening to me now and hearing me with her heart. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I now that I have done somethings that hurt her pretty bad over the years. I think now we could finaly get closure on all issues we have. Thank you all for your support and I hope everything works out for the best with you.

MsAnna,<P>I very much have to disagree with your advice in this matter.<P>We all have a certain responsibity in marriage.<P>You are right in the fact that he can't change her, he can only change himself. But he needs to look at what she might be needing in the marriage that she isn't getting.<P>The idea at MB is to Save Marriages if at all possible. I think maybe it would do some good to go read some of the information at on the home page. There is life after an A if you and your spouse can resolve the issues.<P><BR>Hang in there Looking good luck to you and your wife.<P>-Kat-