I've been reading these posts for a few months now and I realize that i am not dealing with some of the things that you folks are with A's - but I do got a problem. <BR>3 months ago - H and I argued and it got really ugly. both said things (LB) that we shouldn't have and next day H had D papers drawn up and brought them to me to sign. I reacted by going to our bank the next day and setting up my own individual acct and transferred funds from our joint acct. so i could pay bills for the month and changed my direct deposit from my job to go into my acct. the reason i did this is because he was acting so crazy that day and just from past experiences - I know he would have taken most if not all the $ we had - to move out and set up house somewhere else to prove his point - and then me and my kids would have been left high and dry that month for bills and expenses. well needless to say - he was pretty mad and did the same thing when he found out and now has all of his income going into his own acct. i need also to mention that we have 5 kids and his income is almost double what I make so unfortunately - we are financially dependent on him. and he knows this. <BR>time did it's magic and things have calmed down considerably - he's not saying he wants to D anymore - but he has refused to change the bank accts back to where they were prior to this event. I changed mine back almost immediately (within 2 weeks) - because after I calmed down and it was discussed between us that we needed to try and work on our marriage instead of just calling it quits - i felt that we shouldn't keep those kinds of things separate. we've been together for 17 yrs and have always had a joint acct. which we both used. also after reading G&T - I realized that what we had done totally was not in accordance of the POJA and the situation needed to be back the way it was before. course my H hasn't read this book. when I asked him why he refuses - he said it was "because of what I did". so he's punishing me. <BR>I guess what I have a problem with is him telling me on one hand that he wants to stay married - but on the other hand wants to have this acct that i have no access to or no control over. I don't even know what the balance is in there. in fact - he's even got the statements and correspondence from the bank going to his brothers house. all I know is that it's reeking havok on our joint acct because he only transfers what he thinks I need to cover the bills into it and keeps the rest. I work because we have a large family and we really do need both incomes to cover all the bills and live in a comfortable style.<BR>I have been working Plan A for the last 2 months - and I have seen some improvements in the way we are getting along. I have also come to recognize my own LB's in the marriage and am making a consorted effort to change that behavior. so i have asked him (respectful request) to change the acct. He doesn't seem to understand that this really bothers and hurts me that he won't do it and has stated that he doesn't care what i think because it's his money and he will do what he wants with it. he thinks as long as he transfers what he has determined is "his share" into the joint acct. that I shouldn't have any say over what he does with the rest. <BR>any way - so as soon as things start looking better for us then payday rolls around again and this starts all over again. I am to the point where if this is how he is going to be - then I want to tell him to take his %&#@! money and live somewhere else. I am in a field where if I wanted to pursue it - I could earn as much or more than he does so the hardship would only be temporary. I am in the job I'm in now - only because of the benfits and hours work well with my family life and children's extracurricular activities. <BR>what should I do? because this is just not right.

Confused,<P>I understand how hard this must be for you.<P>Have you sat down and done up a budget for the household. Listing everything, groceries, insurance, gas for cars, lights,heat,cable....etc.<P>Then doing a percentage...IE..you earn only 25% of what he earns. So you will put 25% will pay 25% of the bills .<P>Then figure what you need to deposit in the Joint account per week to meet that expense and he can put in the other 75%. Then he can have his own account and you can have yours.<P>Maybe it would give him a feeling of independence to have some money to spend on himself. I understand this has become a bone of contention, and I think that since you keep going back to it, a sore spot with him.<P>Is just a thought. It would also give you some independence too.<P>-Kat-

I guess my point being - is this is a total LB on my side - because everytime this comes up- I am feeling less and less sure that I want to stay married to him. this is only one of the many issues that we are working on and I am at a dead end on this one. why should he have his own acct and money to do what he wants with? I don't - we simply can't afford to have that kind of funds taken out of our joint money on a weekly basis and still be able to cover everything. our family is too big and we have too many things that need to be covered. I am just hoping my checking doesn't overdraw this week before I get paid again. <BR>also it's the point of his not caring how I feel and and that he's hiding the details from me that really hurts the most. what happened to the honesty in our marriage? when things were going good for us - we never kept things from each other and talked about everything. He was my best friend - I don't feel that way anymore. <BR>I feel direspected and that my opinions don't count anymore. I'm tired of being told that I shouldn't feel the way I do. but I guess Honesty is a definate EN for me and I don't feel it's being met right now. I have put up with his selfishness for years and if things don't start changing soon - I'm afraid divorce is inevitable.<BR>thanks for letting me vent.

confused,<P>Venting is good and a necessary thing.<P>How many of the bills are in his name? <P>If he is trying to make you responsible for the lions share of them.<P>Have you sat with him and showed him what needs to be paid, and say here honey I can't pay this out of the household acount, can you get it out of yours?<P>Maybe once you quit pushing him about it and just hand over the bills he will see where the need for the joint account is necessary.<P>I understand the need to have feelings validated and not negated, that is very hurtful a real case of LBing. Read all you can at this site. Try and get some other input....<P>-Kat-

I have read every inch of this site and even ordered and read several of Dr. Harleys books looking for answers as to what is happening to us. I'll tell you - I have discovered alot of things about myself (good and bad) and understand my own and his reactions to each other so much better. Dr. Harley's concepts and teachings are so similar to what I already personally believed about marriage - it was great to read his advice because it did validate my feelings alot. I've been told for so many years that my feelings and needs were unimportant and wrong - that it helped alot to see I'm not crazy afterall. I got to the point where if my needs weren't being met and i was unhappy, I thought there was something wrong with me. What sucks is that for a long time (without putting a name on it) H and I were doing everything right. if something was bothering one or the other of us, we would try to figure out a solution that would make us both happy and life would go on. things started changing around the time I was preg w/ child #5 - 4 yrs ago. H has a history of being a hothead - and when things aren't going his way - such as at a job - he just walks off and quits. I have seen him do it many, many times over the course of our relationship. well, during that time, he quit another "good" job and then we discovered I was preg again. my job was only part time because our other kids were still pretty young - and all of a sudden our main source of income was cut off. he stayed unemployed for 3 months. (which i'm sure you can imagine what it did to our finances) I finally persuaded him to call an old friend of his from another company he had quit several years before that - and his friend was more than willing to hire him again. in order for him to take this job though - we had to move back to Colorado where we live now, from Utah where we moved to a few years earlier because of a similar situation with his job hopping. so I called my parents and they were willing to loan us the money to move back (it has never been repaid) and we stayed with his brother in the mountains for 2 months while he earned and I saved enough to get us into a rental house in the city. the job required him to work out of state - so it was really just me and the kids and our dogs staying with his brother and sis-in-law for that time. we only saw H about once every six weeks for about the next 4 months. I wasn't able to get a job when we first got back - we were stuck in the mountains - with an 1 1/2 hr commute to the city plus I was about 3 mos. preg when we moved so it was impossible. he finally came home about a month before the baby was due and then got layed off. BTW - because neither of us had health insurance when I got preg - nothing was covered. this was probably one of the most stressful periods in my life and I'm actually amazed we made it through still married. so during the preg - I made the decision that this would NEVER happen to me and my family again (we were essentially homeless) and I interviewed for jobs at 8 and 9 month preg and was hired to start 5 weeks after the birth of my last child. I have worked full time and have carried the family's insurance benefits on my paycheck ever since. my H is in a field where the pay is excellent when he's working - but it is contractual work and not always steady. I make considerably less, but it is still a respectable income and a steady paycheck. and at least I know that if he pulls this stunt again, I can keep us going for at least a month or 2 while he looks for new work. I never wanted to (or did) threaten divorce in these situations because I would have felt really shallow for making money (or lack there of)the reason. it was kind of funny to read HNHN because I have always thought I was a pretty independent person and could take care of myself and my own just fine with no help - but after reading Dr Harley's definition of finacial support EN - I guess that it is one of my important needs. I want him to have a JOB. <BR>anyway - leading up to what's going on with us now - I am totally burned out. full time job in sales (high stress) kids at 4 different schools this year - not much help with the housework. my day starts at 4:30am and by 9pm - I am wiped out and there's still alot of important things left undone. if i say anything about it to H - then I am just being a B****. so I have gotten to a point where I just don't say anything. so I spend my weekends cleaning and doing laundry etc., to start all over again Monday morning. when I only worked part time, i didn't mind doing all the housework - but i just don't have time anymore and nobody else seems to want to pitch in. it's like the pigsty we live in only bothers me and if I don't like it - then "I" need to do something about it. this money thing is just kind of the proverbial "straw" and I am starting to feel that if he can't at least be generous and responsible with his money and I'm doing everything else anyway - what do I need him for? affection and appreciation are almost non-existant unless he wants sex. sex is not something that i mind doing for him - in fact I love sex too. it's probably what's held us together all these years - but now it's about the only time he ever pays any attention to me at all and even that's getting to become more of a chore.<BR>I don't know - maybe i'm just whining and blowing things completely out of proportion. all i know is that this is not working for me anymore and I am about ready to call it quits.<BR>major vent on this one - i feel lots better.

I wanted to add - bottom line on this is - I just don't feel loved or cared about anymore. if it's something I want - he goes out of his way to make sure it doesn't happen. His LB's have gotten out of control. (AO & DJ) and what's scary - is I feel like he's just waiting for me to say the word and he's out the door. that way he can leave and do what he wants and not feel guilty because I asked for it. I don't think he's involved in any A's but he is so self-absorbed - that he doesn't even want to talk about it.<BR>I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do this.

I feel for you,really I do. I understand completely.Hence my name-hungryheart.<BR>Money is a big issue with us also. I don't know what to tell you to do because I am unsure myself what steps to take next.I am lonely and feel very unloved.Sex happens only if I initiate and I haven't bothered for 2 weeks so we haven't had it.I also can not say that I have the problems some others have. He hasn't had an affair,doesn't drink or do drugs. At least none to my knowledge.He is always working,at least that's what he tells me. I've always trusted him.<BR>So anyway I just wanted to say you are not alone!