I don't really know where I should be posting, but me and my H have been together 10 years and of that we have been married 3 years. We have had alot of problems with domesitic chores, me not supporting his dream of making it in the music business. After going to counseling who which by the way was no help at all, he told me he wanted to separate. After he told me this I found this website and read alot of different things and found that I had not committed myself to alot of things but I expected him to. I shared alot of things with him that I read here. I printed out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs survey. We filled it out, however he told me that he is not sure if he wants to even fix our marriage and that it is the 10 year of the same problems that has him numb to our relationship. He has decided that he can't leave right now, his reason is that its the holidays, financially I cannot live at our current residence even if he provides me with child support. I have written him letters with my concerns and he tells me we will talk about it. My question is how do you spark feelings up again or is it impossible to do?

I don't think anything's impossible...but remember, sweetie, it does take two.<p>If you're talking about getting the magic back, do things that show your support--go to concerts with him, ask about his music..plan date nights-don't even have to go anywhere-just no kids, no tv, romantic music, smooth music, soft bed...talk to him--maybe he'll talk back.<p>Maybe this is wrong to say but I'm gonna say it...use the fact that money is keeping him home now. Try to meet his EN the way he wants...sometimes relationships are all give on your part--I think the problem is when they are always give on one person's part...don't think there's anything wrong with it sometimes being all for one. Maybe as he sees you trying so hard, it will warm him back up.<p>As for domestic chores--ugh the never-ending battle--at our house, one of us will say, 'I'll clean the bathroom, would you mind sweeping while I do it?' It usually works because we know that we are both helping. But H has said in his perfect world he wouldn't lift a finger in the house---yeah, well, in mine, I'd stay home and write all day...life is hard.
Sometimes we have to do what we don't want to.

Thanks very much for answering me. I have decided to use that as a leverage, however I have also decided on working on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have been battling for sometime now in loosing weight and for one time or another gotten sidetracked. I am not that heavy but I have a goal weight that I would like to be at. I think my H needs to miss the relationship so I am giving him some space. A few people have told me to stop acting like a victim, like I can't live life without him, and show him that I can make it and that I will make it and maybe he will see the light.

I think you're on the right track here...I'm sure he wasn't initially attracted to you because he thought you were a wimpy clinging vine he could lead around. He fell in love with your vibrant personality.<p>I know it's hard but I would try to just live my life as if I was not married, putting myself first---what would YOU like to do? Go to a movie? Learn to knit? Find some hobbie, read up on something you've been curious about. I mean, just start living YOUR life and I'll bet when he sees it, he will want to be part of it and notleft out.<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>