After four years of living with his lies and the constant fighting over the affair that he had, my husband said once again that he wants to go. He has been "helping" the OW. I guess she can do nothing for herself. He says that she makes him feel guilty and terrible and so he feels that If I give him time to help her get back on her feet after the emotional stress he has put her through so that she can live alone, then he will come home. He said that there was a 95% chance that he would be back. But that he wanted to come home to be with me for the right reasons. Not because I am forcing him to do so. I told him that I was not aware that I was forcing him to do anything. He just said that he wants to put us both at a distance, but that he doesn't want to have me worrying about where he is at all hours of the day. He said, "If I go than you will know that I am gone. you won't have to worry about where I am, Maybe I will be with her maybe I won't, but either way you won't have to care because technically I am not with you anymore." I told him that if he wants to get technical, that we are still Married technically! but he just said to let him do this so that we can finally be free of the "cancer" that is infecting our relationship. He actually referred to OW as Cancer! What is up with that? He said that if could help her to see that she could live without him than he would be free to come home and not feel guilty for having left her. I just feel that this is a total abuse of everything I have been trying to accomplish. After all this time, you would think that he would have heard some of the things I have said. Guess not. The only thing I know is that if I want my marriage to be saved at this point I have to take his garbage. What other option do I have? I just feel so used. I really have stuck to trying to meet his emotional needs. He says I am a great wife. He just said that he needs to figure out what he wants. He said there is nothing more I can do. He says he doesn't love her. That is a lie. He says that he loves me, that too I think is a lie. If he did he wouldn't or couldn't do this to me. I just don't know what I should do. What my head tells me is one thing. What my heart tells me is another.<p>Please help.

I'm sorry to have to say this but what a load of rubbish! It sounds like he is trying to keep you as 'plan b' in case 'plan a' falls through. I say let 'er rip! Let him go, I know it's hard, heart-breaking and get on with your life.<p>I'm not sure where you are or what the whole story is here but it may be time for Plan B of your own. That may shock some sense into him. It sounds like he is so far into the fog that he can't even hear the horn blowing.<p>I'd hate to be the OW knowing that I'm a 'cancer'. Ugh.

I need to read over plan B again. I know that there is not supposed to be any contact. It will be hard with the kids. But I do want to work on myself. I need to loose weight and quit smoking. I disgust myself sometimes let alone H. (he never says that but he is very healthy and thin and would never smoke). I think if I pay attention to myself and work on how I am doing, maybe I won't have time to be sad. Thanks for your post dallas.<p>Jenni

Jenni,<p>Losing weight and stopping smoking are both wonderful goals to shoot for but keep in mind that you are GOOD ENOUGH right now. Don't put this A on your not being good enough or attractive enough. Do this for your health and happiness.<p>I know it is tough doing No contact with kids but I guess you're just gonna have to keep a stiff upper lip when you exchange the kids and whatever. If everything works out, we'll all be happy. But if it doesn't, then we'll be here to help you along.<p>You know at one time, I didn't think I could live w/o my xh...now I look at him and wonder what the hell was I thinking?<p>Know what else? He may no be quite so eager to leave after you push him off his fence. And he may not be so happy over in the 'greener grass'.<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>