But what if I think it's broke and he doesn't. And in my attempt to fix it, I upset him? How can I make him understand there are unresolved issues that maybe I alone have, but that I need him to help me deal with them? Or do I?<p>I have EN that aren't being met. An A is out of the question. I've been down that road and never want to go there again. This brings me so much pain that I just want to WD and not deal with it. But then why even stay together? He thinks everything would be ok if I'd just "relax". Maybe I need medication.<p>Thanks for the input. Thank God for this forum.

You might need medication but it isn't going to resolve the issues that you feel. <p>Have you done the ENQ and given it to him? Even if he doesn't do one for you, it may give him some insight into what you are feeling. Sometimes, too, it's easier to put it on paper than to try to talk - if talking always leads (as it does at my house) to arguments.<p>And if you think it's broken, it probably is at least cracked, I think. If you perceive it needs to be fixed, then it does.<p>[ December 05, 2001: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

Thanks for the response diddallas. Yes, we did the ENQ, but he thinks these things are "stupid" and a waste of time. I don't care through what vessel the info comes to me, as long as it helps. Religion, therapists, books, all seem useless to him. He thinks I should stop trying to fix things and let them be. Good answer for someone who just doesn't want to do the work, huh? I wouldn't try to fix it if I didn't think it was broken.

strwbryncrm,<p>I wish I had an answer for you. When I read your post I couldn't help but feel your pain. Your husband sounds like my wife! I have been trying to tell my wife that there are unmet needs for several years. She tends to think that my needs are "false expectations" and that I shouldn't expect so much. This will sound like boasting but I am the one who is reading the self help books, trying to meet her needs with the hope that she will meet my needs, going to counseling etc. My wife has refused to go to my counselor because she thinks I am the one with the problem and she doesn't understand how talking to a third party will help. She has made a step and recently accepted the counsel of friends and called a counselor, went for the first time by herself and we have gone together three times. I still think she thinks I am the one with the problem but I can always hope for the best. Another book I would suggest is The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. It is one of the best books I have read. Now if I can just get my wife to read it and apply the principles!<p>Anyway, I am sorry I am not much help. I guess what I am saying is that I can relate to how you are feeling.<p>P.S. I like your name.

Well, I DON'T like your name...it's making me HUNGRY!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

No expert but have a suggestion:<p>My H feels the only problem with our marriage is my LBs. So, I'm gritting my teeth, biting my tongue, putting my hands behind my back, and venting here.<p>My H does not accept the POJA so, from what I've gathered here in my perusals is to try one-sided POJA. The idea is "Never gain at your Husband's expense". It's very much one-sided in that if your H is gaining at your expense, there's very little recourse for you(other than to let him know, honestly, but without LBs, how you feel). But it is supposed to have an advantage that you will be eliminateing thoughtless behaviors that harm your H's love for you, and you will also be demonstrating how the policy works.<p>So, my advice is try it for a while as an experiment and see what happens!

First off, thank you everyone for the great input. <p>I looked through the MB articles and found one of interest entitled "When Do You Tell Your Spouse 'We Have A Problem'". It helped me realize how to approach my h with the valid points in our marriage we need to discuss. I also realized, in retrospect, that some of the "issues" I have are trivial. I do tend to blow things out of proprtion and when he doesn't treat them with the same sense of urgency as I do, I mistake it for not caring enough. <p>The advice given in the article will give me a foundation to work from when serious issues arise. <p>I'm still interested to hear how others handle these situations. Thanks again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]