Is there anyone out there who is having/has had trouble with H having affair with XW? I would like to know how you are handling/have handled it. Seems I don't see anyone with this prob in my searches and I think we have unique probs that others don't understand. Would like to hear from you---support for/from each other!!!<p>[ December 12, 2001: Message edited by: inthedark ]</p>

I had an EA with XH: there is no difference with any other A, but it goes really fast the way it unfolds. Because the old feelings are still there, hidden deep inside, they unleash so fast and very powerful. I was not looking for any of it but when my XH and I met: it was like a storm. It still is: it's been almost a year since we saw each other.<p>The plan A is still your best bet in your fight for your M. Your H already divorced his XW once: she hasn't changed. She might be grown up, but she is the same person. They had their reasons for divorce: I don't believe the reasons go away, only on the surface it can look like it. <p>My H implements plan A not even knowing that and not reading any material from the MB site. But he does prove to me over and over again that he is my best friend and best lover and just simply the best.<p>I don't know your circumstances and if my message helps you, but basically read the rest of MB site and try your best. I think that old flames are more serious that other A, but you can go through them the same way. Good luck!

Thank you for your reply. It is serious, I know. TGhat's why I get so upset. I am Plan Aing. How does/did the 2nd wife in your situation handle this? Does she know? Might be helpful for me to know. Thanks.

I am glad to help, because I am still recovering from my EA. My XH is very "protective" of his W and I don't think she is aware of his feelings towards me. On other side we know from MB principles that the protection is not to protect a spouse but to keep a secret from her so he can (at least in his dreams) have both of us in his life. The rest depends on your H personality. <p>I know that both my XH and I have strong attraction to each other but we have the same problems in communications as before when we were married. So we agreed at one point that even if we were single right now it wouldn't work out as marriage. But the relationship is going on and it is very hard to break up, even we are very far in distance and have no hope to see each other any time soon. There are feelings that are older than my love to my H, so they seem to have priority in some way.<p>I can tell you that I always thought that whatever his W feels ot thinks: it is not my business. I always felt that I had some rights to ask him for a favor or to contact him whenever I felt like it. As a friend: I didn't expect him to fall in love with me again. I tried to look at it as friendship, but XH didn't buy to it. And even now when we talk once a month I try to make sure that he still loves me. I know it is wrong but if you want me to be honest here: I feel like he still belongs to me and it is only up to me to decide what I want to do about it. It is wrong because we are both married, because we have no future together, but he might feel the same way about me. Just trying to give you a hint what is going on in his mind...<p>If you don't mind I'll ask: What is going on in your case: do they see each other? How long has it been going on? Did he confess to you?

Thanks for your posts. Boy, am I naive, is my first reaction. I do appreciate your honesty. H and I have been married 12+ years. Our former M's were each for 20 years and each resulted in 2 kids, both grown. <p>The probs started with X's 3-4 x a week letters re everything under the sun---why did our marriage fail? Why can't we get back together? Why am I hurting when you have everything? Lots of "poor me" stuff. I began telling my new H that I thought her letters/phone calls were bordering on the ridiculous. For whatever the reason, he disagreed. It went on and on and on and on... Even his sec got fed up with all the calls to work. Eventually, it began to affect our marriage adversely. I did all the wrong stuff---begged, pleaded, cried, our marriage was a shambles. H began to confide in HER about our probs. Bet she LOVED THAT. Anyway, after 4 years, H decided he had to go see her to see if he wanted her or me. TWICE. Supposedly he made the decision for me. But there was no effort to repair the M. We did go to Retrouvaille and I thought for a while things would get better. He told me I was definitely his choice. But communication with X just kept on keeping on, like the Eveready Battery. Things just went back as they were before. OMHO case of having cake and eating it too. (Can you relate??? Sorry, had to throw that in.) M is still a shambles. I have made the decision to Plan A but wonder, especially after hearing your situation, if it is worth the effort if EA is going to continue like with your X. What's the point if there is no commitment to M---one foot in one M and other in other M? Is there anything your present H could do to encourage your complete commitment to him??? Please tell me where you are coming from!!! As for my H's X, she does not recognize our M even after 12+ years.

O'key, let me give you a little history. I'd been married for 2.5 years, no kids, then I initiated divorce. Now I know that my EN were not met: no affection, no communications. I left my XH and got married again, almost 17 years ago. My H gave me what I was missing in the first marriage.
16 years went by, 10 years we didn't see each other and we met again, because I visited my hometown. My XH got married 9 years ago. He told me right away that I am "the love of his life". I didn't expect that and was totally shocked. Then after I came back home I slowly started to realize that my feelings for him are not totally gone and there is something that going to stay with us forever.
I still struggle with that. I tried to be honest with my H, but he couldn't deal with that for a while. I didn't want to accept cake case: to have and to eat it. I felt very strong temptations to keep communications with XH and very strong guilt right after each conversation. I tried to figure out what was going on with me, got depressed, lost weight, saw a therapist, cried to XH over the phone, cried to H, talked to friends. There were days when I thought I was leaving my family (we have young kids), my life was falling apart. I made myself emotionally dependent on XH's calls, couldn't wait for them, called by myself, felt bad and down, worthless...<p>I stopped all cummunications with XH, then started them again. We all wanted to be loved and I felt I don't want to cut XH off. My therapist said that it is typical addiction. I started looking for problems in my marriage and asking myself what made me so vulnerable to this relationship. My H felt really threatened by the whole situation, but didn't show it. He started helping me more at home, paying more attention to my mood swings, went to the therapist with me. I wanted him to take a stand and asked me for promise not to contact XH any more, but he wouldn't do it: he said that I had to deal with EA by myself. It would encourage my commitment to him because I can't lie. But he doesn't ask me questions, so I still struggle with the whole situation.<p>My XH and I went thru the same questions: why did we separate, is that possible to get back together, bla-bla-bla. He firmly said that he can't leave his family right now because of the child, that he doesn't care about his W that much, that he would like to go on vacations with me, etc. At the same time he thinks that I am high maintenance emotionally, too demanding, too impatient. I blaimed him for not calling, not writing e-mails, which means not giving me enough attention. I told you already that I felt I had a right to do it, even knowing that it was wrong. <p>I can't give you advices, but if you feel that the plan A doesn't worth the effort, go to plan B. Did you read the book "His need, her needs"? It explains the addiction factor and you'll understand what you H is going thru. I will never go back to XH, I see clearly now what the differene between him and H, and H wins, but I still think "what if?" and still like to hear from him and keep in touch. I wish I can help you more. There is a web site www.lostlovers.com and the message board like this one. There is a section "Trying to forgive a husband's rekindled romance". Read it and let me know what you think. <p>Good luck! Don't hesitate if you have more questions.

Hi, Far Away---<p>Thanks for filling me in on your situation. I can see where it would be difficult for your LL to avoid feeling guilty when there is a child involved. However, I wonder if that is not an excuse for him to continue to have HIS cake and eat it, too. Just a thought.<p>I also read the thread from the website you recommended. My initial thought is, why would one go LOOKING for trouble??? Seems to me that if one is married, there is either something terribly wrong with their marriage or they are NUTS. Guess that's pretty judgmental.<p>Reminds me of my mother, married for 55 years, miserably unhappy, hooked on what she CALLED the love of her life, although she never went looking for him. Then, my dad dies (last Jan.) and she grieves over HIM as though HE was the love of her life. Go figure. Maybe it's just the allure of who's unavailable and/or romanticizing.<p>In your situation with LL, you saw what it was like when you were married to him, were unhappy enough to divorce him, and had a number of years to fanticize. You are married to present H now, tell me he Plan A's you to death, but you pine for LL.<p>If it were me, I think I would think about what MARRIED life was with each man and make an emotional decision based on that. (As if we could control our emotions!!!LOL) Just a thought, but is your H smothering you? LL could be a way to distance yourself.<p>Anyway, back to my situation:
Kids are with X, not me, so not an issue. Or, maybe I should take heart in H not going back to her even for the kids. X had used that ploy to get him to the point where he made the trips to see her. H and I take lots of trips together, X is VERY jealous of our M. Read something else recently, about OW trying to get even by creating tumoil in a M. Seems to be what's happening in my case. However, not all her fault. Takes two, or in our case, three, to tangle. Got to thinking today, maybe I should just silently laugh at this silliness. He IS with me, no kids to hold over his head. If I Plan A'd, he couldn't have many complaints re me.<p>However, I do take issue with the way he treated me at D's wedding. <p>I'm also posting as secondwife on Divorcebusting.com. Pretty lively discussion going on. Take a peek, if you want. Let ME know what YOU think. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I looked at Divorcebusting.com, but there are so much there and I couldn't find your posts. Let me know what forum you participate in.<p>But reading about walk-away wife syndrom from the website helped me recognise that I was this kind of wife when I was in the first marriage: I complained a lot, I tried everything I could, but my XH didn't react. When I started walking away he tried to stop me, but it was too late. I think that his second W is happier with him because now he knows better. And I was impressed with him when we met after so many years, the way he opened up to me about his feelings. It hurts, but it is too-too late now!<p>I don't think my XH feels guilty about keeping in touch with me if he doesn't leave his family. I do feel terrible right after every phone conversation, because I know that it is not a friendship and there is always a danger. He manages to balance it out, I can't and that's why it is important to stay away for my sake.<p>I didn't look for the trouble like the guy from the "Trying to forgive...". It just happenned that my XH and I met and our attraction for each other knocked us of the feet. The rest of the year I've been trying to rationalise this emotions, get over them and find a stable ground with my present H to re-build the marriage. It is hard work, we are doing good and get stronger every day. There are some issues with stress in my life (3 kids, career, parents, etc.) I haven't trully realise before I went thru depression, but now I deal with them knowing more about myself.<p>Sometimes people go back in time to reconsile some deep problems, some still alive wounds, to find understanding what really happened to them and their loved ones. I think I know more about myself now, good and bad, than before I saw my XH again. But I've made my choice for H, that's what matters. I think it is the same for your H: he went back and he decided to stay with you. Look at the bottom line here. XW finds the ways to contact him again, but your plan A keeps him with you. It is not easy or fast, but it works. He might have the same problem with addiction to LL like I do and fight with that. Is he open with you about his whereabouts? Does he struggle thru his feelings towards XW? When you marry somebody who was in serious relationship before, you accept that and live with that. It doesn't mean that it is neverending if he keeps away from her, but there is always a chance... Like with any addiction: alcogol is always a threat to a drunk in recovery, even after many sober years.<p>I am not sure what you mean by D's wedding.
You are not judging, we are expressing our opinions here, aren't we? Let me know more where you've posted, o'key.

Hi again---Thanks for hanging in there with me. <p>The name of the thread is: Is OW turned 2nd W Turned OW welcome here? It's in the Newcomers section.<p>Actually, I've just started Plan A. H has been out of town this week on business. So, maybe things will actually get better. I asked for input from some of the others on what they think of Plan A/Plan B.<p>I plan to buy Boundaries and Getting Through to the Man You Love. Should be some good reads. I know I have boundary issues.<p>I think you make sense in what you are saying about LL. I'll have to think some more about it.<p>Let me know what you think about Divorcebusting thread.

Sorry. Double post.<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: inthedark ]</p>

I've read the thread. I agree with GG and you: decide if you really want him, let the wedding go, plan A for 6 months. I don't think I can help you a lot: I haven't contacted my XH for 10 years, just happened to be in hometown where he still is. Our feelings towards each other are more like feelings of the first love, we never had kids, property together and had no conflicts except affection and attention from his side. I think that 2nd W always wins: she gets a man who went thru some problems and he knows better now how to handle things. Look at it from that point!<p>I think he's scared to hurt you, so he keeps it quiet. Reassure him that he is safe with you and it'll get better. He might have feeling towards X, accept that, even it is not easy. That's what my H said: "there is nothing I can do about your feelings, but YOU have to decide where you want to go with the relationship". He is right and he doesn't even know how long we kept in touch after my visit and what we talked about. You can call it "setting up the boundaries". He didn't read any of the books: my H is amazing, isn't he? Would you accept your H feelings? He might be struggling with them, but also realise that M is larger than feelings and it failed. Both my XH and I know that, but we feel like calling each other once in a while. I have a lot of guilt about it, he doesn't. That's the way he is and I left him already, so why should I worry about it?<p>You see I am not your H XW. But she also might want just to keep in touch with him, because there are not so many people we meet in life who we can trust, who knows us so well as I feel my XH knows me ad cares in his own way. She feels close to him, as I do with mine, but she might not want him back. Or maybe she does, then I can tell you that it could be 20-30 years later, when the feelings are still alive... Keep doing what you've decided, trust issues are something that is not related to 1st or 2nd M, but in his character. That's he has to work on. But do your part first, o'key?
That's all I have. Let me know how your plan A is going. Good luck!<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: FarAway ]</p>