Hi this is my first time on the site. I caught my wife of 9 years with another man about 3 weeks ago. I must admit that I cheated on her about a year ago. Not only did I cheat but I was convinced that I wanted out of our marriage. She wouldn't let us die. I finally realized a couple of months ago that I was happy and made slight attempts to let her know of my new attitude. I guess that I should have made more effort because I came home from word one night to find her, in the basement of our home with a co-worker at her part-time job. My prob is that she says she doesn't know why she did it. She claims it wasn't revenge, she says she doesn't have real feelings for the guy. Can someone out there reassure me that you can share that and not have feelings. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Blane,<p>First, welcome. You are not alone and you have come to the right place to help you rebuild your marriage. I encourage you to read everything on the site--read it three times or more---it's chockful of wisdom and help.<p>I encourage you and your wife to do the Emotional Needs questionnaire--it really helped me indentify areas where my h and I need to concentrate. Read about the Love Busters and the Love Bank. <p>Come talk to us when you can't talk to anyone else---we are here for you.

Hey Blane! I got the same thing here so you're not alone. My wife says her affair didn't mean anything to her too. Which I can half believe because she can have sex (with me) with absolutely no emotional involvement. Said she didn't know why she did it. Wasn't for the emotional ties. More the "danger" and "excitement". I myself can't see becoming involved with anyone I didn't have SOME feeling for. But your in the right place here. Surf the other topics here and especally the main site and you'll find the answers you need.

OH, BLANE!!! <p>I totally missed the most important part of the post...<p>Let me assure you that yes, you can share *that* and not have feelings...it's the difference between having sex and making love. I had sex--a physical function (like eating) that fulfills a physical need. Making love is a connection-physical, emotional, and spiritual-between two people who love each other.<p>I had sex with OM...and since there was no emotional fulfillment in it, it was not even good sex.
I make love with my husband even when it's a quickie with little or no foreplay...to truly have it mean something you have to share more than body parts.

diddallas...thanks for both replys. There have been developments since that post maybe you can shed some light on. Last w/end she was supposed to go out w/a female friend. I follow her b/c I found out she had lied to me about a phone #. She droped off the kids and went to her pt job and HE drove up they went to play pool for a couple of hours then drove off together. I stopped them at a payphone and demanded he get out of my vehicle. We talked, came to find out they were about to go take my 4x4 mudriding. She swears they're just friends and expects me to forget that they have been intimate. Am I wrong to assume the worst?

You have got to be kidding me here. You wife is caught having sex with her OM in your home and tells you it means nothing. She then lies to you and you catch them spending hours together and driving off together and she tells you they are just friends and you should forget they were screwing in your house? My friend you would have to be in real denial to accept this. She is continuing her affair with this guy and lying to you. I would demand that she cut off all contact with this guy and have both of you immediately go into counseling. If she refuses then contact a lawyer because she is making a fool of you and clearly thinks you are an idiot to believe such things.
The fact that she has sex in your home with the OM and tells you she does not know why would be too much to take for most men. In addition, if the OM is married I would inform his spouse. You need a sit down talk with your spouse and inform her of the repercussions of her actions. If I were you I would get tested. See a counselor or see a lawyer.
I wish you luck.

well, in light of her continued contact with the other guy, I guess I would have to agree with most of what Bryanp said. It's clear she is involved with him and is unconcerned about hurting you, your kids, your marriage.<p>It's one thing to make a mistake, be remorseful and try to make it up/move forward. It's another to get caught, continue the affair and lie about it. <p>I think you are at a crucial moment here. Please read all you can on this site before making any moves. I would not consult an attorney unless you are sure you want a divorce. I would tell her all contact must cease--she can find another pt job.

I see relationships as a river ride...somtimes you can paddle back and change course but sometimes you pass a bridge, a turn, a fork past which there is no return...the course is irrevocably charted. Frankly, sexual intimacy is one of those 'bridges' under which water passes only one way. Once they have been intimate, it places the relationship on a different footing and I doubt many people find it possible to return to 'platonic friendship'. And if they are only friends, why do they sneak around and why aren't you included in their activities? Because they are still involved sexually.<p>You're not wrong, IMO, and it's not an assumption--they've been caught 'red-handed'.