My H and I have been narried for 5 years-he is 55, I am 46. He is controlling and loud and paranoid and insecure--he is also a narcissist and a genuis (got a perfetc score on his SAT), and I have just had it with him. I don't want him to TOUCH me at all--he is absolutely addicted to sex, wants it 3 times a day, every day, talks aboutit endlessly, and is violent without enough of it. I hate sex and him--what should I do?

Um...my first question would be, was he this way when you married him five years ago? If so, what made you marry him? If not, what happened to cause him to be this way? I am a mere 31 years old and my husband of ten years is seven years older than I...he is not the man I married, but after looking long and hard at our life together and at the future, I have come to the conclusion that he is the man I want to be married to. Can you honestly say that about this man? With mid-life re-assessment for you both, there may be more than just selfish lust going on here. Just my two-cents' worth.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. My husband was not like this when we were "dating" for lack of a better word (seems like a young person's word, and we sure aren't that!)He became very controlling, demanding, and IMO, over sexed literally the day after we said I do. (The first time he became violent was on our honeymoon, and he threatened to drop me out a window because he wasn't getting enough sex.) He informed me that his idea of a good marriage was a "10 year honeymoon" (read: sex all the time), a submissive mouse of a wife, exclusivity (read: no intrusion of friends or family) and "respect" for the fact that he's 9 years my senior and a genius. In our 5 year marriage, I have been the recipient of abuse both verbal and physical so many times I can't count, and have developed a drinking problem and severe issues with esteem. I was sexually abused as a pre teen, and have been married twice before, so I really wanted to make this work. I converted to his religion (Catholicism), and have been trying to hang in for the sake of my daughter (She is 24 years old, but hasn't seen much of a good example from me over the years.) If I had money and could lose this incredible fear that if I leave my husband, he will do what he has threatened and hurt my daughter and my family, I'd be long gone. Simply put, he has me afraid for my life and I have no where to turn.

felicity,
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have no experience of the situation that you are in but I think you must leave. <p>This guy is crazy. Leave and don't be afraid to call the police everytime he calls, shows up, whatever. Call your local women's shelter, they can advise you on how to get out safely and where to go. As can your local police. Nobody has the right to abuse you.<p>And I realize that sometimes abusers do act on their numerous threats but most of the time, it is an intimidation tactic to keep you in line.<p>Good luck.. Post soon and let us know how you are.

So he's smart, big deal. It is no license to be an a##hole, which is what he is being. Frankly he sounds worse than that, psychopathic. I know there is a great range in sex drives but 3 times a day for a 55 year old has got to be at the top of the scale. <p>I can't see how staying with someone who verbally and physically abuses you is a good example for your daughter. You were married twice before, what was he doing for the first 50 years of his life? <p>You need help, physical abuse or threats to you or others are criminal acts. Talk to someone soon, a women's shelter, abuse hotline, someone who can provide immediate help and advice.<p>Be careful.

I'll tell ya what, there is no excuse in the world for a human being to put up with anykind of abuse from a person who says they love you. Love it not adn excuse for actions it is a way of life. I beleive the time has come for you to make a descion, stayand suffer a very long time, or go on witht the rest of your life with some hope still in it. I know its got to be had this being your third marriage but its still no excuse to live a life of misery. If youreally do want to get out and you do fear for your family there are ways to do it. Before you go on though you need to make your descion and stand by it at all costs. Don't stay that your leaving just to go back, because it sounds like you might not get that chance again. This guy you with sounds rather scary and he may need help too. Just don't fall into the classic battered housewife syndrome and "turn your cheek" whenever soething happens. Sorry i feel very stronly about men who abuse thier wives. Myself being a hubby for 3 yrs and in the military have seen this in a few families before. Nothing good can come of sorrow. Good Luck.