First off i'd Like to say hi to everyone here. I have been married to my wife for 5 years now, we have 3 wonderful children (Shieanne 5, Jake 4, and Jerimiah 3) and my wife told me she is filing for divorce. We married at 18 and had our daughter 9 months after the marriage. We have not had the perfect marriage but up until a month ago i had no doubt that I would grow old with my Wife. Over that last five years we have gone through some tough times and had always seen them through until this last year of our marriage. I'm not saying we had a perfect marriage, we fought from time to time, nothing to serious. But about a month ago we had a fight and I lost my temper and went through my bedroom door. I honestly didn't do it intentionally. The door didn't open when i shoved on hit harder than I should have. I have always had an anger controll issue. I spent the first 3 years of high school in anger control managment and thought I had it under control. But it seems that the stress of the last year finally broke me down. That night she told me that she wanted a divorce. Since that time I have tried to talk about it with her numurous time. She says she wants to run and hide instead of dealing with our life together. That night I came to a real "awakening". For some reason I couldn't see where I have lacking as both a Husband and a Father. And I see it now. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I really wish I could turn back time and change the way I have acted at times, but I know thats not possible. But I honestly am trying to change. I know that a month isn't enough time to say that I have completly turned around, but I have put every wakeing minute into trying to change my ways, but that is getting harder everyday I hear her tell me she doesn't love me and that I'm a horrible father. I'm even trying counciling which is something I have refused to do in the past. I have beg and pleaded and told her the way I truly feel about her, all to no avail. I honestly love my wife and my kids, I know I'm still young at 24 but I meant every word of my wedding vows and am desperate to keep my wife. I even resorted to sending her a letter to help her understand my feelings. But she hasn't even read it yet, she refuses too. I am just wondering if anyone can give me some advise. Should I let her go or should I try to save our marriage? Every essence of my being tells me to hold onto for dear life. I can't imagine what my life would be like without her and the kids with me. Please, I need some kind of advice....

Curtis,<p>I am sorry for the pain that you are going through, you are very wise to get counseling. Let me try (as a woman)to tell you what I see in your letter.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>we had a fight and I lost my temper and went through my bedroom door. I honestly didn't do it intentionally. The door didn't open when i shoved on hit harder than I should have. <hr></blockquote><p>This is a outward display of temper that can be very intimadating to your wife as well as the children. How many times through the course of your marriage has there been other incidents like this.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>She says she wants to run and hide instead of dealing with our life together. That night I came to a real "awakening". For some reason I couldn't see where I have lacking as both a Husband and a Father. And I see it now. <hr></blockquote><p>Did you ask her why she feels the need to hide? and has she tried to tell you before what she needs? You say you see it now. BUT are you seeing what you want to see? or what she NEEDS you to see<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I even resorted to sending her a letter to help her understand my feelings.<hr></blockquote><p>This is going to sound very cold, and I don't think there is any way I can soften this.<p>At this point, it is not up to her to understand your feelings. YOU need to hear her. Really hear what she is saying. Trying not to take it personally validating what she is saying and then trying to correct the issue.<p>If she says "I am afraid of you when you are angry"...you need to beable to say. "I understand that, the way I act is not appropriate and I am sorry that I have made you afraid" <p>Go to the emotional needs page and print out the forms. Try and get her to answer the questions on there to give you a better understanding of just what she needs in the marriage.<p>Good Luck to you<p>-Kat-

Thank you for your support Kat. It does mean alot and to answer your questions, No that has never happened before while we where fighting. She has seen me loose my temper before, but in all situations it was either in her defense or in the defense of a few friends of ours. And I have asked her why she feels she needs to hide, her response is always "it's what she is good at". Honestly I don't think that is true but I told her I understand that she feels that way. And unfortunatly she has tried to tell me before what she needs. And not to sound like I'm not at fault, but I have always listened and tried to give her everything she says she needs in almost all situations. I am finding out though that she has not told me everything, she assumed I would know what to do. And thats where I come up short. I know to hold her and comfort her when she's hurting, I know how to try to cheer her up when she's feeling down. But I just havn't learned how to read her well enough. And over the last year I havn't been able to read her at all. I know I havn't been seeing what she needs me to see, and it's true I might have seen what I wanted to see, but until I can get her to open back up to me I am confused as to when I was lacking. Honestly I havn't taken anything she said personally, some of it hurt, but she is still the women I love and that has always shone through when I get upset with her, but maybe I am not hearing her right, I will definatly have to try talking to her agian and listening more intently to what she is actually saying. I have remained very open to her feelings through this all I have gotten defensive at times but have always took a deep breathe and took a better look at the situation. When she told me she was scared that night I did not try to justify it, I really am sorry that happen and told her that I told her it wasn't right and that I would even go back to the anger management so I could controll it agian. I have my first session already set up for the first of feburary. I am really worried about that myself. I have always known that I would never harm my wife or my children intentionally, but it never even crossed my mind that I might do it untentionally. I grew up with a mother who was abusive to myself and my brother and swore that I would not turn out that way when I had a family of my own. I will print out that page tonight and thank you for pointing that out to me. I'm hoping that I am making progress with her, she has a seminar she wants to go to tomarrow, something about talking to your gaurdian angel, but she did not want to go along. I offered to go with her, even though she knows it's not something I'm very excited about, she acted very excited that I said I would go with her. So who knows what it really means but it could be a good start. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] thanks agian

Curtis--<p>Just wanted to welcome you. This part of the board doesn't get too much traffic, and I didn't want you to feel ignored by everyone except Kat.<p>You are doing a lot of things right. Not trying to mae excuses, signing up for anger management, offering to go to the seminar with her. Congrats [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ! I hope she will give you the chance to make these changes and prove you can be a great H & father.<p>By the way, there is a guy posting in the "Emotional Needs" section of the board with some similar issues. You might want to read a thread by "DWANE"; and you might have some suggestions for him.<p>Kathi