Hi everyone!
First off I'd like to say that I'm really glad that I found this site and that I'm very new to bulletin boards and things like that, so forgive any mistakes I make! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Anyway,my husband and I have been married for about 3&1/2 years and we've been living together since about a year before that. We got along perfectly when we first got together, and then he started having his son come to spend nights in our home - that's when the trouble started!
We cannot get along at all when it comes to his son. And his son will not respect me or listen to me at all. And I feel that if a person is in my home, they need to respect me. I'm not wrong about this, am I? In my husband's eyes, his son can do no wrong, and every thing the child does my husband uses his ADHD to excuse his behavior. And when I try to discipline him, I'm the one that ends up looking like the villain!! I don't know what to do. My husband and I live in a tiny one room studio apartment which is barely big enough for the 2 of us, let alone a child with ADHD. So I've been begging my husband to please wait until we move to a bigger apartment before we have him stay with us overnight. But my husband will not listen to a word I say. Believe me, I'm not trying to keep him away from his son, I would never do that. It's just that I cannot handle being around him. I've tried suggesting that my husband go to see him instead of him seeing us, but after about 2 weeks of doing that, it always reverts back to the same way it has always been. I don't know what to do. I've even talked to his ex (the child's mother),but she won't take the situation seriously. Please help me,because I don't want to leave my husband, but I refuse to stay in a situation where I'm constantly on the verge of losing my temper.
I'm open to suggestions........

Belinda;<p>First of all, Welcome to MB.<p>I want you to know, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!<p>I have a step daughter that is ADHD. I met my now wife in August of 1999, we began dating and we married in January of 2000. In december of 2000 I had had it with the step daughter to the point that I lost it with her and I attacked her. The attack came as a result of the same things you are going through now....would not listen, blew me off, always getting away with stuff, mom could see none of the same things I can....basically, no respect for me. I did not harm her, but it sure scared all of us to death and it tramatized her some.<p>I began the new Century and the New Millenium in the Aspen Hills Funny Farm in Flagstaff. I learned the following that I hope to pass on to you.<p>First of all, you are not this child's parent, period. This was the shocking news that my Psychiatrist, two counselors and numerous others in the groups told me.<p>My step daughter is ADHD-Gifted Intelligence which makes her very obnoxious. I was told that I have to ignore her. Not to have any kind of contact with her. Even when she is talking to me, I just pretend she is not here. Is it hard, yep. Especially when she doing stuff that she should not. But, if the other parent, Her REAL parent is letting her do this, then what can I do???<p>I do occassoinally point out to her when she is being especially rude. Can I have a civil conversation with her...no...she questions, disputes and generally argues with everything I say. Her mom says that is the way she communicates....sorry, I don't.<p>If the child is doing something that is blatantly off the wall, then you need to tell the dad. But other than that, you need to bite your tongue. If the child is doing something to you, you need to politely inform your H. If he does not believe you, then you may need to do what I do, and that is "Well, the next time this happens, then I am just going to get up and take a walk, or a drive, or something while you have a talk with YOUR child about why that is not a correct behavior."<p>I wish I had better news for you. My personal situation is day to day. Some are better and some are worse. Over the weekend, I had a minor meltdown and she informed me that maybe she should move out for the sake of me and her daughter.....Will it happen, we will see...<p>I am just trying to get through each day and stay away from her.<p>I will be happy to try to help in anyway I can....I have been reading this book by a professor, just on handling ADHD.....interesting, and I have been finding out a great deal.....<p>Stay in touch and Best Wishes
Fred<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: freddyb ]</p>

Wow -<p>If I ignored my step-daughter (no diagnosis) I'd be chastized for that. When she verbally or physiclaly attacks her brothers I intervene with her resulting wrath.<p>Sounds like pure survival mode. Is this as good as it gets!

Freddy,<p>THANK YOU for your insight. I struggle with the same thing from my step-son (and it is diagnosed) and I'll tell ya -- I could so easily step over to the Funny Farm arena myself. I hear you!!<p>I'm lucky, in that my mother is a psychotherapist who teaches parents to discipline (court mandated class - after they have abused) and she told me the same things you are being told.<p>I am not the parent.
It is not my job to discipline - at ALL.
Protect myself - which is why I stay in our bedroom almost the entire time this child is in our apartment.<p>I too wonder if this is the best it's gonna get -- esp. since I have another nine or so years to look forward to this (he's 10)... very scary.

Hey, Someone does know what it&#8217;s like!
I just stumbled upon this, I&#8217;m usually in the Recovery group. I could have written some of all these posts.<p>Stepson 12 yo, Will tell you it&#8217;s light outside at midnight. No correction will ARGUUUUEE that it is light out at midnight until you just want to choke him. Diagnosed ADD, but both &#8220;real&#8221; parents refuse to treat it, however it has become their standard excuse for everything he does.<p>Freddy and New,
This is great advice but how do you actually follow it? I&#8217;ve sworn to myself 100&#8217;s of times that I was just going to keep my mouth shut, but I can&#8217;t seem too. SS has actually learned to avoid me most of the time, but the problem is when I have to sit and watch him argue, manipulate, be completely disrespectful and flat out lie to his mother, grandparents, and heck everyone that I just can&#8217;t seem to keep my mouth shut.<p>I will say that I&#8217;ve gotten much better as it was one of the major causes for W&#8217;s A. But to be honest I think the saving grace is that he moved in with his father and he now only stays with us on weekends.<p>os

As far as the advice that was given about how to behave around step-daugther with emotional acting out - I will try the advice - I am not her parent - however, I have been in her life since she turned 2.
I apologize for saying this, but I do have a personality clash with her. She bosses others around, is a know it all, constantly goes to her father to asassinate my character and is very loud and strong willed. There I said it.
I had issues and bagage when I got married. Sorry, some of it spilled over into parenting.
My H told me he wanted me to be his daughter(s)mom. I tried to adopt his daughter as she was 2 at that time and her mom had left her with him since she was less than 11 mo old. But he wouldn't approach her for release of parental rights. Mom was in and out of her life inconsistently. Never paid any child support.
H wouldn't even ask.
This has been a losing battle all the way.
The marriage is a casualty, but guess what there are other things that made this situation worse like lies that my H told that affect whether I would believe he actually loved me before I even married him. And lies since then which speak about his character. And I am supposed to just forgive him because he said "sorry" and he doesnot have to allow for me to rebuild my trust in him I am just supposed to believe that the lies are all over. Then I get told I am "whacked out" when I point out a fact which shows that it isn't all me that has problems here.
I have two boys ages 8 and 13 who need a good stable home. They don't have emotional stability and good parenting now. But I will hang on for their sake. I hope that I can move on and not be so depressed and depleted. <p>So basically the problem isn't with my sd, but with my marriage. <p>It is really in ruins right now.

All;<p>I am not perfect. It has been a constant batle for the past two years. Here in the last few months this has been the biggest problem in my relationship with my W.<p>I wish I had an answer other than some days it works really well and other days she just makes me mad by looking at me.<p>We make sure that she takes her meds every day. I make sure I take mine and I try to remember every time that she starts to push my buttons to leave the room or take a walk or something.<p>I would just like to know where Belinda went....

I would like to give a bit of a different twist to this - the frazzled W, mom, stepmom and exW who is trying to make everyone happy.<p>I have 2 boys (7&9). My 7-year-old has been very defiant, rebellious, and oppositional since about the age of 2 (the age I left his dad). My 9-year-old is a know it all and hates to be told no.<p>I also have 2 stepsons (12&14). The 12yo is ADHD and recently stopped his meds. as he only weighs 70lbs.<p>My H has used my 2 boys misbehaviors as his excuse to have affairs since we blended - not sure what his excuse was before we married.<p>I don't have much in common with my SSs, but even while dating I was the one to bring them to games and such on the weekends when both mom and dad worked. I enjoyed doing this. I think we have a pretty good relationship as far as respect goes. I respect they didn't want this marriage (nor that of their mom and stepdad). I respect their privacy when they are in their room. I believe their bedrooms to be safe havens (as well as my 2 boys bedrooms). When my H is home I do not discipline them. If their dad doesn't say anything to them about something then neither do I, unless he's out of the room and it's blatent then I bring it up to their dad.<p>My exH has remained very bitter since I left. When I remarried he told my 2 (then 5&7) that they didn't have to listen to us and my H was NOT their step dad. I have had major struggles with my 2 boys from day 1. My H doesn't support me in my parenting. He would attack everything I would do or say and would make cutting, sarcastic remarks to me or my boys.<p>I admit it was wrong for my boys to be sarcastic with my H, but he would start it most of the time. My H would get up in the morning and go straight to my boys bedroom then come out and say "did you see that pigpen? My 2 boys have clean rooms ya da ya da ya da". He complains about my 2 chewing like cows, yet will ignore his own 2 cows! My H harps about everything.<p>I was caught in a big unending circle of constant arguements. I was arguing with my H, my boys and my ex. CONSTANTLY!<p>I always felt bitter towards my H for his remarks and I felt as though he was always telling me I was a horrible mother. I couldn't talk to him about the struggles with my boys or my ex because he blamed me and we would end up arguing. <p>We have gotten better in our blended family. I've finally started defending my parenting and my kids. My kids are starting to see their dad for who he is and want to be with us more and more (I have them Thurs. evening until Sunday afternoon). My SSs are with us every weekend. When my H mentions a messy bedroom I tell him I've seen it and I don't have a problem with it at the moment. My 2 are slowly learning responsibility and keeping up their end of the allowance bargan.<p>It's been a huge struggle, but I finally realized that I had to gain control of my kids and ignore my H's comments. He has almost stopped since I don't react to them anymore.<p>My kids are also learning to respect my H because he's not as insistant on his harping.<p>My marriage has huge problems, but I can't deal with that right now. I don't believe a word my H says and I ache over and over at what he's done to me. The best thing for my kids would be to leave the marriage and that may come some day.<p>Isn't it amazing how my relationship with my SSs is so much better and it's because I mind my own business and I don't harp on them. <p>I firmly believe that if my H wasn't having his As during the first year of our marriage then we would have blended much quicker and smoother. My H was very angry and would pick fights so to get out of the house. I really do believe this!<p>Thank God my H takes his meds. everyday!!!!!<p>Sorry this was so long!

Also - there are many websites for blended families! I don't have the links, but you can do a search and get tons of them.<p>Good luck, Belinda and everyone else!

I HAVE A 12 YEAR OLD WITH ADHD, HE'S ALSO OPPSISTIOAL DEFIANT- AND VERY DIFFICULT TO HANDLE, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT HE'S HITTING PUBERTY AND ALL THOSE NEW HORMONES ARE STARTING TO KICK IN. MY H-HIS STEPDAD, HAS A HELL OF ALOT OF TROUBLE DEALING WITH IT- USUALLY TRIES TO OVER DISCIPLINE, AND OFTEN DENIES THAT THE ADHD EVEN EXISTS,MY SON TAKES HIS MEDS EVCERY DAY- SO DO I,(I'M ON PAXIL FOR ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION) GEE, WONDER WHY?ANYWAY IT'S ALL AN UPHILL BATTLE, BUT IT HAS TO GET BETTER, RIGHT?

Interesting thread...and I am so sorry for all the pain all the families on the board are going through.<p>I believe that there are 2 issues here....
1)the role of the step parent who is not a parent ...and I hesitate to comment except to say that no family is well served when a step parent takes on a role of mother or father when the biological mother or father is already serving in that role. This is a fine line and not a factor in my life, but is an issue in terms of their fathers gf trying to take on a parental role. It is not her place to do so.<p>2)LD/ADD/ADHD in kids is an issue which should be researched in terms of how the stress of daily struggles contributes to the breakdown of a marriage itself between the biological parents.
Blended families will be much more fragile when kids with disorders, especially behavioural are part of this package,especially when they are also dealing with their parents divorce and all the pain and emotions that ALL children deal with.<p>There is an ADD/ADHD website wth a chat board. Perhaps this can be useful to you.