My husband and I love each other very much. We both go to graduate school full-time and are home many hours a week together. We walk together, study together, go to the gym together, and talk and laugh a lot. We will be married 3 years this June and I am 23, he is 24. <p>There is one issue that we cannot compromise on. He wants to move, I want to stay. This has been a conflict for the past two years, and I wish we could resolve it. We have talked about it and sincerely listened to each other’s point of view. We also both feel bad for the other person, but we still cannot compromise. <p>We are living in Florida. I was born in this city, and husband has lived in the area since age 5. I LOVE the area and both our families and my friends are here (he doesn’t really have any close friends here. His only real close friend moved.) He says he has always hated it here for climate reasons. He says there is nothing here for him to do because he burns in the sun, he doesn’t get to see a change of seasons, and its too hot in the summer. <p>Moving would not benefit us job-wise nor financially. Our degrees will practically grant us the same pay and job positions anywhere in the country. This area does offer us plenty of jobs as well. <p>Husband has many places where he would ideally like to live. Seattle, Oregon, California, up-state New York would be his ideals. He has never lived in these places and has never even visited Seattle, Oregon, or California. As a “compromise” he told me that he would live in North Carolina so he could still have his cool weather and change of seasons and I could be closer to my family than if we moved across the country. <p>I understand this is a sacrifice on his part. However, the conflict is not that he wants to live in one place, and I want to live in another, so we pick a state in the middle. The conflict is that he wants to move out of our home area, and I want to stay in our home area. I have tried and cannot see any compromise to that conflict. <p>There are only a handful of options that I can really see. 1.) We don’t move. I get to be home, with my family, my friends, in a city, a climate, and scenery that I absolutely love. But husband is miserable. 2.) We move. Husband is happy and has things to do. I am miserable, depressed, and miss my family and my home. 3.) We live seperately as a married couple. Him wherever he wants, me here. 4.) Divorce.
Neither of us want 3 or 4. <p>One thing we thought of was that we could have a trial. We would move up there for 1 year and if I was absolutely miserable we could move back here. The problem is I’m afraid it won’t be that easy. I am afraid he won’t let me move back if we move somewhere. He might find some “loophole” in this deal, and I don’t get to come back. And what happens if we do come back? It is the same old thing again. He is miserable and complaining about the weather, and I have my friends and family but have a very unhappy husband. <p>Our school offers free marital counseling and I desperately want to take advantage of this. Husband does not. He is afraid the counselor will take my side and he won’t get to move. <p>Can anyone give me any opinions/suggestions/insights into this conflict? Have you dealt with something similar? Thank you in advance!

hi~
I can see both sides but let me tell you first one thing that I see:<p>My dh is similiar to your dh in the way he is trying to "coax" you to the new location with the promise you can move back if you are not happy.
DO NOT DO THIS! (unless you do it as a "two wk vacation" and not as a permanent move). I think this is the BETTER way to check out the location--take vacations to the areas you are interested, check out the jobs in that area and see if you like it there. Thats not long enough to tell completely-but it would be helpful.<p>What I see--is what you see--your dh will get you to move there & then "find reasons" not to move back to FL. "My job is going so well here." "We could have a baby because we have great health insurance here...if we move back, we'll have to wait..." I can SEE him delaying you and delaying you til you give up and continue to live there.<p>TAKE it from someone whos been in your shoes--I would HAVE MOVED ANYWHERE for my dh BEFORE we were married and had children. After this fact....I wanted and needed to be closer to family. THIS is really a plus. Families (MOST anyways) will help you in some way that really benefits you....that friends usually do not do.<p>Maylin

I would urge you to not move unless you both are in full agreement and peace about this. Are you Christians? If so, seek the Lord by praying and reading the bible, which is His Word that can help us and give us wisdom and direction in our lives. In addition to that, if you feel you need counseling, it would be best to go to a Christian pastor. As far as your moving conflict, I would caution you about this situation you are describing in several ways. First, do not rush. Scripture warns against making hasty decisions. Do the things I described above. I can speak from the voice of experience. I have been married over 20 years, and went through a similiar situation when we were newlyweds. We moved away from my home state to another part of the country. He had moved to my home state to go to college. Later on, after we were married he wanted to move to his home state. Looking back, I can't understand how I was persuaded, but he really wanted to and kept pushing for it. (It's been so long now, that I can't remember much of the details or conversations, just the knowing that this is what he wanted, and there wasn't any major pull to stay other than my family being there.) Somehow, I allowed myself to be talked into it, through deep down it wasn't what I wanted, and I had a shaky feeling inside..an uneasiness. We moved and had not been there long and I knew we had made a terrible mistake. It was very hard. We had many trials. Because of situations involved, we argued, which we hadn't really done before. It took a lot of money to move and it took a while to recover financially. It was a terrible mistake and I have wished probably hundreds or thousands of times...that we would never have moved in the first place. Several years later,after praying and asking the Lord's will and guidance for direction, we finally moved back to the area we had been originally. (Let me say though that while we were there in that place where I felt we should not have moved, in time, certain things did work out. We had jobs we liked, we (and I) made friends, and I felt somewhat at home. Still, deep in my heart, I felt we had made a mistake. Eventually, my husband began to see that we had made a mistake and were probably hasty in the decision to move. He started to pray about it, asking the Lord to guide and help us.) Once we moved back, it again took a lot of money and time to move and reestablish ourselves again. I have gone on too long about our details, and I wish I could share more specifically, but there isn't space. I just want you to know I have been in that same situation. It is unwise to move or do anything unless you are in unity.
I didn't gather from your message whether you are working now or not, since you are both full-time students. Let me tell you...some things are much more important than the "weather", the "seasons", or even your job(s). They are...joy and contentment and peace. Family and friends. (This is not to say that I think no one should ever move away from relatives! Every one's situation is different and God has a different plan for each person.) If your husband wants to experience the seasons in a greater way, he should just plan on you two taking your vacations during the winter (or whatever season he chooses) and going to a place that offers that time of year with the weather he would like to "spend time in". He can always visit other places to catch the seasons. (Not everyone has the problem of wanting to leave what to many others, is a dream vacation land. : ) Furthermore,pertaining to his desire for activities. He can fit in those activities during vacations and holiday seasons when traveling. Actually, I'm sure that there are a number of things in your area that he could do which would not require him to be exposed to undesirable heat or humidity. There's always things like: indoor racquetball, indoor tennis, indoor swimming, indoor basketball, anything a gym or YMCA has to offer. He could go bowling. Some men go fishing at night. I have heard of some that go on a chartered boat with a group of men. Do you have any male friends you could introduce him to? Are there any couple(s) you both know that you could invite over for a dinner, a cookout/potluck or plan an outing with? If you are part of a church, (which I would encourage), get involved in a Sunday school class and/or fellowship group for young married couples. God's word instructs us to be content with the things that we have, and the situation we find ourselves in. (Not that he never directs or wants anyone to change or to move!) But what I am saying is that no matter how things are, we are to be content and trust in him. Our happiness can't be based on a place or even situations, but only in the peace and joy that comes from a relationship through Jesus Christ our Saviour. Unless one has that inner peace, a place will never fully satisfy. There may be a temporary false feeling of satisfaction, but it isn't lasting. Being in the right place in that relationship with God is the most important thing. The Bible says to "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." -Matthew 6:33 In another passage, Proverbs 3:5-6, it says "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understanding, and in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." I hope this situation works out for you and that you both surrender to God's will and blessing upon your lives.<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Been thereb4 ]<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Been thereb4 ]<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Been thereb4 ]</p>