After many many lies and denials over approx 3 years I finally caught my H - with solid proof that he IS doing porn on an almost daily, if not hourly basis. My trust in whatever he has to say in anything is non-existant. I asked him to leave the house while I get counselling and suggested he get counselling as well. As I expected he doesn't think he has a problem and doesn't want to go to counselling (feels ashamed I guess) He promises (again) that he will stop but this time he wants us to sign a legal document that says that he will transfer all his assets to me if he lies, cheats or does porn again. Right now he is staying in a hotel and calls often - even though I have asked him not to contact me until Monday. Would anyone believe him and take the offer of the legal document. He says if he can't quit the porn on his own he will go for counselling. I meet with my counsellor on Monday. Should I ask him not to come back to the house until after I have had a chance to see my counsellor. Thanks for your help

From my personal experience with my fiance. My fiance has lied repeatedly and had slips but DOES admit his use is a problem because he cannot control it by himself. He tried to quit on his own because he loves and respects me and was disturbed to discover that when he decided he'd stop he couldn't. So, now he's reading books by doctors and seeing a therapist. We're both also involved with support groups. <p>I'd say your husband, who has been using for that length of time that often, probably will not be able to quit on his own. Having him sign the document will not help him either. Addicts have lost everything because often they cannot stop by themselves. If he's that determined to keep you and the marriage, ask him to read some of Patrick Carnes books and seek a therapist that understands this is a problem. A therapist that understands it destroys marriages and also destroys the chance for real intimacy and sexual pleasure for the addict. Don't suggest groups for him right away if his hesitation is shame. Do seek a group or materials from a group for yourself. I know of some that are Christian based. You don't need to be Christian for them to work. Like Dr. Harley, these groups beleive all people, no matter what their religion, have a right to a happy and healthy marriage. Let me know if you are interested. <p>And Good Luck! It sounds like you have a husband that's caught in an addiction, but loves his wife dearly.

Willing_to_Work
The day I presented him with the evidence I had collected (screen shots from the computer) I also gave him a book and Patrick Carnes is one of the authors - it is written by several doctors. The book is called "In the Shadow of the Web" and discusses specifically internet porn addiction. He has promised to read the whole book. I'm not sure if the lies are only related to porn. . I think he may also have a problem with honesty in general. Once he starts to work on the problem - how should I handle a relapse?

Have you read the book you gave him? If not perhaps you should. If he's not to touchy on the subject you could offer to discuss it with him.<p>You should consider doing some reading related to spouses of addicts. There's alot of things we women have in common that I thought were just me. Reading about those emotions and reactions from other women in the same situation helped me begin to heal myself and try to stop enabling him.<p>This is the only thing my SO is dishonest about. He doesn't lie about other things to make himself seem like a better man. He doesn't lie to protect my feelings. He has admitted he lies just to avoid conflict and continue the behavior that I'd ask him to stop. Come to think of it that's the reason men lie about affairs isn't it. Just thought of that.<p>Anyway, there are two types of slips. The slips with honesty and the slips with porn. As difficult as it is to hear about his slips with porn, you must try to be supportive of his telling you about them. Not supportive of the behavior, but of the truth telling. The toughest thing for my SO is to tell about his slips knowing I'll get upset. I try very hard to not get upset even though I'm hurt and pissed when he tells me he did it again. I understand the first step is to stop lying and to be able to tell someone about his struggles. Having a doctor to talk to must help him, since I'm not there and the doctor isn't going to judge him as a partner.<p>I've rambled. Please feel free to vent about this here. Your husband knows your not thrilled with the behavior. To continue my honesty, I tell my SO that I post my vents here. He can come look them up if he'd like. I know he hasn't though.

[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I have confronted my husband, as well, I was afraid to give him the screen shots of porn! He knows that I know that he started 3 different email boxes with yahoo's find a partner club and wanted intimate relationships from our area with women with a college degree...we have faught...HE WILL NOT ADMIT THAT IT IS WRONG! He says he will look at porn until he is 99 and that I have a huge problem, and that he is going to post me once a month on his favorite porn site to teach me a lesson.<p>He left once over this, he is quite abusive, physically and emotionally...I have been going to counselling but he hurts me so deeply. <p>I am in a group at www.firesofdarkness.com it is for pornography addicts and their spouses/significant others. They also have a pdf book you can download on the effects of porn on our kids!<p>I like me! I just don't think he does and that brings me down [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I just don't know if I can stay with a man that really doesn't like me or share the same morals as me...I want a happy family not a fighting family. <p>I will pray for you! Jesus Christ says it best...just ask him for help and believe it and he will help you...there is a book you can buy at www.focusonthefamily.org called "An Affair of the Mind" ...very good, it will help you understand.<p>I think you are lucky to have a man that admitted to doing something wrong, my husband won't ever admit fault...it takes a strong man for that. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The effects of porn hurt the addict as well, my sex life is down to 0 maybe 1 time every 2 weeks...<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: thebestwife ]<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: thebestwife ]</p>

Bless you thebestwife. You are right to feel self love and self confidence. You don't have a problem because you don't feel confortable giving yourself to someone who doesn't appreciate that gift. You have the right to not settle for being less than his one and only just as women who don't mind husbands using porn have the right to that choice.